The Full Thing For Anyone Who Wants It!

Diary entry #17

Vent I guess

Ed warning and dysphoria and sh

I wish I could be normal about my weight. I'm overweight. If I looked like a guy then I think I could forgive it but I don't and know my curves are more visible everyday and I want to die!! /hj on that last part

The universe is cruel in the way that I can't lose weight unless I eat like triple digits (calorie wise) every day because I binge so fucking much. So I don't fit in normal or even ed communities online because I'm like that.

Nothing I have ever done has ever fixed my binging problem. I think it's a medicine side effect thing but my grandparents don't want me to change them. I don't know why.

When I was in my active ed phase I wanted to shrink to the point where my chest would become small enough to be male passing. That was the main reason. I know I wouldn't pass as male bc of my voice but I just wanted some control over my stupid life.

I feel like a hamster on a wheel, going nowhere. I can't go on T in my house because i would be quickly caught, so I have to move out but moving out is hard. I just want to be a guy and I don't understand why it's a problem.

I wish that there was a way to make my grandparents understand that this dysphoria will kill me one way or another. But I think they've already made their mind, there's nothing I can say. I could try to cut my breasts off and they would just think I'm more mentally ill and send me to the ward.

I could kill myself and they wouldn't wonder why for a second, they would think "oh she was just mentally ill." They don't listen to me and don't want to. I think me killing myself would be a better ending for them than me being trans and thriving, although they'd never admit it.

They aren't even bad people, they have a lot of flaws and this is one of them. A really, really bad flaw, but they really think being trans is evil.

Just ruminating here I guess

An archivist found a long forgotten 8mm film reel in an old metal box, marked “Philippines 1942”. Thinking it was lost WWII footage, he sent it in to be restored/digitized. When he got the footage back, he found puppies instead (via)

One time I found art of Peppino Spaghetti from Pizza tower (blorbo that will not get out of my head) w/ a phalloplasty scar and it felt like a part of my soul healed that day

You see so so many transmasc/trans man characters in art with top surgery scars but almost none with phallo scars.

just remembered I can draw my favorite characters with phalloplasty scars… the world is so beautiful…

Like I know you're a beautiful lady but I'm at work!! I just wanna look at funny and/or insightful posts!!

Diary entry #1 :)

I had a dream where I went through the timeline of my voice on T. Not on T yet, the dream made me so happy and I was so goddamn sad when I woke up. Also it had something to do with furbies, that's all I remember.

Sometimes I watch Jamie's (Jammidodger's) vid on his transition timeline and it makes me want to weep. I've basically had almost 4 years of my life stolen from me bc my grandparents are very unsupportive and I'm nearly to the finish line (getting T and getting my apartment) but it feels like I keep tripping on the track. I could've been nearly 4 years on T if my grandparents just fucking listened to me when I started questioning. Instead of thinking I'm a stupid "girl" who can't think for "herself".

But on a brighter note I'm learning how to drive and also have a job now. Like I said, close to the finish line. I kept on dissociating or something at my job, like my body is technically there vacuuming but I'm somewhere else entirely. Just feels like I'm wearing a suit that doesn't fit how I actually look, and my brain is really, really freaked out by it.

A dumb idea that I had while at work that is now real thanks to me drawing it: the alphabet mafia!! I think the term alphabet mafia is way too funny for conservatives to use, I kind of like it even if it's supposed to be bad lol

I tried to be creative with the designs but they kinda suck, also fun fact the bisexual person is nonbinary because I wanted to include a nonbinary person as well :)

[ID: a digital drawing with a rainbow pride flag background of the alphabet mafia, a group of queer people who have weapons and color schemes associated with their pride flags /END ID]

you look great in that frog costume

Harvey Ball- creator of The Smiley Face

I'm autistic, mentally ill and take SSRI's. I may be fucked I fear.

I hate RFK with my whole soul, and my grandparents still love the guy and the rest of trump's goons.

Hmmm. I wake up to hear RFK suggesting we ban all SSRI mental health medications and send the mentally ill, autistic, asthmatic, and obese people to government run “Wellness Camps” for 3-4 years each.

Huh…. So he wants to “concentrate” the population of sick people in camps where they will work in the outdoors.

Because that fixes autism? All because he believes, with no scientific basis, that these conditions are caused by vaccines. Since President Musk says he has autism I wonder if he will be in a camp, too?

How long will it take to come up with a final solution to that problem…