bbqpossum

Latest Posts by bbqpossum

curious to know how everyone got into Dragon Age?

my obsession started a few years ago after coming across fenhawke art on pinterest. watched a few Origins and DA2 playthroughs on YouTube. and so here I am in my own well of Solavellan tears lol

hello kaufmo

I might've added the BG3 Art Book to my dnd assets stash

It's got stuff like the 5e players' handbook, the dm's guide, critical role's explorer's guide to wildmount, baldur's gate and waterdeep city encounters, 101 potions and their effects, volo's guide to monsters, both of Xanathar's guides, a bunch of other encounters, one shots, class builds, and other fun stuff!!

Enjoy some crying Kim Kardashian Kaidan;

I drew this while watching the movie Akira, and the whole time I just kept imagining him going "leave me alone!"

In this link there is definitely not a folder with every Dragon Age eBook, numbered in order of reading plus the two Encyclopedias about the world. Please do not use the link, there are not free books there.

i dont think ive posted these yet.

Reactor finds comfort in having her hair done and i think heavy misses braiding his sister's hair. something something surrogate family in unlikely places

the more I play BG3 the more I miss the way Bioware games organize interactions between companions

It just felt - organic? Other games like Pathfinder are also pretty good, as there are multiple scenes where the companions interact with each other's.

But I miss the Bioware way. The only interaction in BG3 is Shadowheart and Lae'zel fighting, and I think that was it.

I remember that even in DA:O there was some stuff, mainly your companions interacting with your dog. Then DA2 had that amazing Aveline's quest, plus all your companions talking with each other's during actual player dialogue.

I feel like BG3 would improve the feeling a lot if it had all the party commenting during dialogues with npcs instead of one companion chosen at random, even if it would not be actual dialogue like in DA.

AND HOW TO FORGET DA:I??

Sera making pranks on the advisors? Josephine, Cassandra, Cullen and Leliana interacting? Walking in on Solas and Vivienne bickering about Cole, or Varric and Cassandra fighting? The cards night? It was just perfect.

just look how alive it feels

How to fix Halamshiral as a Zone

Inquisition is a flawed game.

I don't think there's anyone who is going to argue otherwise.

The only question is wheter you place it higher or lower than DA2.

One of the things I think it does better than DA2, is that it managed to give every place a soul, an identity of it's own, and at least a distinct, if not always amazing storyline.

The emerald graves doesnt have a very interesting plot, but it has some spectacular side quests, and atmosphere, inculding a haunted mansion, which might be my favorite possession based quest in all of DA because it shows much better than others just how dangerous untrained mages actually are to those around them.

The storm coast tells a story of what was once an important dwarven port, and shows how it fell and was repurposed over time.

The Hinterlands shows the aftereffects of the templar mage war, as well as solas stupid plan to give cory his orb, and the mage rebellion and an actually decent time travel story.

I could go on, but the point is, I usually have at least aomething nice to say about every single region.

All except one.

Halamshiral.

Halamshiral was the single worst part of all of Dragon Age Inquisition for me, and every single time I boot up this game, it's always the last thing i do before the temple of sacred ashes, despite how bizarre the game flows as a result.

And the reason is because i hate everything about it.

I hate it's unique attempt at side quests, i hate the characters involved, i hate the Orlesians who inhabit it, and i hate how this section tries to copy what worked so amazingly well with Orzammar and Denerim during the landsmeet section, and fails every single shot it lines up.

The ONLY good thing i have to say about this, is that it's at the very least relatively short.

So here's today's question. How to fix Halamshiral?

Let's begin with the three main players.

Celene, Gasparde, and Briala.

The big problem with every single option, is that they all suck.

Celene and Gasparde are both fucking awful people without any redeeming qualities, they have no charisma, and there is no prospect of the Empire reforming itself under either of them, the way Orzammar would under Bhelen.

Meanwhile, Briala is much, much better, but the problem is that we know exactly what is going to happen here if you support her.

Maybe today elves will have it better, but tomorrow, when Gasparde is gone, or celene turns on elves again as she always does all the progress will be repealed, and reversed, along with a few purged alienages.

Its an old story that's been told before in Dragon age.

In short, there is no reason at all to care about this overall plot. None whatsoever.

There were so many reasons to care about both Orzammar and Denerim in the same situation, and every single character involved had so much more charisma than either of these would be monarchs.

So let's fix that.

Starting with Celene, take the idea of her wanting to reform the empire, and actually take it to the next level.

Celene is genuine in wanting to reform the empire, and has already taken grand, successful steps to make the entire thing much better for everyone, even elves, giving them and serfs more rights, outlawing the practice of chevaliers having a tradition of killing unarmed city elves to graduate.

But the catch is, while she is genuinely making progress, she is doing so within the confines of the great game.

Celene has nonintention of changing the great game, no plans of wanting to remove this thing that holds Orlais back more than any other, this center stone of their nobility and it's culture.

Meanwhile, Gasparde is a different kind of reformer, one that takes the ideas he had of him claiming to hate the game, and actually doing something with it.

He is far less progressive, has no love for elves, is far more warlike than Celene ever was... But unlike Celene, his ideas of reform isn't going to act within the grand game.

He's going to break it.

Unlike canon gasparde, this gasparde is hated by every single noble family in the entire empire. His only support, and it's a strong one, is the army. The parts of the army that supports Gasparde, and they are a huge part, are loyal to him personally to the hilt.

And he hates them back. He hates the game, he hates the way it cripples the empire, and he wants to change things. Like Celene he plans to break the serfs free of their chains, for the good of the nation and it's power and economy if not for any progressive reasons.

And he'a going to start with Halamshiral.

For this Gasparde isn't merely positioning men to stage a coup... He's planning to kill EVERY SINGLE NOBLE in Halamshiral. Evety man, every woman, every child there.

He's going to reform this empire by wiping out it's cancerous nobility in one fell swoop, and install himself as supreme dictator to see his reforms through, and wiping out the entire Orlesian nobility that might have opposed him, french revolution style.

And thus the Inquisitor has a dilemma.

Unlike Orzammar, where only one side was a reformer, both of these Orlesians are... But you have to choose one.

Do you choose Celene? The more progressive candidate, who wants a more peaceful Orlais going forward? But who is not willing to get ridd of the grand game to do so, thus making it a permanent risk that all her reforms will be undone...

Or will you support Gasparde, and by doing so be complicit in destroying the entire nobility of Orlais, many of whom are not guilty of the shit that Celene and Gasparde here both hate so much? Gasparde is far less likely to create a peaceful Orlais going forward... But he will have obliterated the Grand Game for good and all, a prize that might be worth this Red Wedding style bloodbath.

Meanwhile there is Briala, the elven spy who has enough influence to allow, or prevent Gasparde's plans from going through.

Here there should be another moral dilemma, quite different from the base game.

Do you convince her to aid Gasparde, in exchange for the Elves getting a duchy of their own in Halamshiral? Do you then back her up with Inquisition forces and support, forcing Him to publicly announce her as such, and trust his own, twisted version of honor to actually stick to it going forward(Something he ultimately does), or do you throw her to the Wolves the moment things get rough?

Or alternatively, do you convince her to side with Celene, and bury the hatchet? And if so, on what terms? And similarly, if she actually wants to get something out of this, you actually need to back her up... Something you may, or may not choose to do.

And voila, here you have an actual story of intrigue, massive, lasting political changes as a result of the Herald's actions, and morally grey on grey choices.

Everything that Denerim and Orzammar had in spades.

Now moving on from the plot to the actual place.

Halamshiral has no soul.

It's a french villa on a mountaintop. Whoop de freaking do.

It has no interesting murals, unique art only found there, interesting geography, or anything really to make it stand out.

Compare it to Denerim and Orzammar, and the way they fleshed out the entire city's levels of power and criminal underworlds, and you see the difference.

Denerim is a very realistic, squat, squalid medieval city, with it's buildings built on top of every single bit of available space.

Orzammar is a full on high fantasy dwarf city lit up by a lake of lava.

Halamshiral is a villa presented as a city.

How do you fix that?

There is an artist here on Tumblr who pretty much showcased what Halamshiral could have been, if they had taken the idea of the Dalish(who were the original owners) taking inspiration from native americans(amongst others), and use that to build a truly spectacular city, which has long ago been paved over, but the structure is still there.

Make it a city on the water, like the aztex capital of Tenochtitlan, a marvel of canals and stone.

Make it this Venezia like city, with canals everywhere you look, and the entire city running on water. A marvel of Dalish city building, where they took something as simple as a couple of islands in a lake, and built the most beautiful city in the world.

And rather than just limit you to the palace, instead let you actually explore this city.

Expand the entire event from one night, to a week.

Let the Herald explore the city, meet the players, interact with the nobles, become friends with a few like you could with Ferelden's bans, which in turn makes the possibility of sacrificing them for the greater good hit so much harder.

Let you choose what fancy stuff to wear to the balls and meetings, rather than have this stupid motto of forcing you to wear one, pre determined outfit like this game had for some reason.

Let you discover the places where what little Elven Architecture and art still remains can be found, and talk with the elves who still live here, the descendants after the first elves the Orlesians enslaved.

Make the plotting of Gasparde and the positioning of troops be gradual, not instantly discovered and twarted.

And at the end, if you choose to back Gasparde, you mirror that scene from Dragon Age 2, where the Templars sail across the bay, and you either step aside and witness the bloodbath you just allowed to happen, or you fight them and be recognized by the nobility(most of which are horrible, horrible people) as a hero who just saved the day.

Have the venatori plot be to kill both Gasparde and Celene, rather than their involvement mostly be about handing the player the the easy knife for the knot of which monarch to pick without having to get your hands dirty.

Also have the entire group be gathered for once. Every inner member of the Inquisition just like at Denerim.

Each of whom have their own thoughts on the events.

Who supports who? What is the right thing to do? What is better for the inquisition? Are you staining your honor beyond repair if you back Gasparde? Does the Inquisitor maybe have a breakdown after witnessing what they just allowed to happen and they walk through the gardens or rooms filled with corpses? Maybe have the scene at the end with the love interest be about a moment of them truly comforting their lover in the aftermath of it all, understanding(or not) that as boss, it's your job to have to make the tough decisions. And now you have to live with them.

Or if you wanna go the other way, this could be one of the breaking points like Origins had. If you support Gasparde, Blackwall choses to tell you to get bent, and that he will die as benefits a knight. Defending the week, and calling you out on how you are just as bad as he ever was, a child killer who's going to run away from responsibility, to pretend you are some better person than what you actually are. You're a murder. Just like he was. You are just as responsible for the blood that's flowing as he was with that carriage back in the day.

It would have been a far more impressive reveal moment for his crimes, that's for sure.

Cole probably would be the one who would be second most upset, but wheter he leaves or ultimately stays should probably be depended on your other choices and your relationship with him prior to this, probably have his personal quest be the determinating factor of what he chooses to do.

And i could go on, but point is, this would be a return to Origins choices actually mattering. There were choices that could make or break a characters bond with you. Shale would not budge regarding Caridin, Leliana and wynne would stand against you if you choose to defile the urn, Sevran would choose to betray you for his old friend if he didn't like you enough, and of course the age old choices at the end of act 3 in da2, where you have to pick between templars and Mages, as well as anders fate, and chances are regardless of what you do, at least 1 person ends up dead.

If anyone reading this has any suggestions for how to further improve this storyline, feel free to share, but regardless, i think we can all agree that this is a vast improvement of what we actually got.

Dinnertime.

Hey,

If you're on mobile you can

1. Hold the reblog button to reblog

2. Hold the new post button and drag it around the screen to make a rainbow trail (no functional purpose)

3. Hold the like button to make the heart vibrate

i can only imagine watching spn for the first time hearing “she’s god’s sister” like even when i watch now im like …what

I like to think a lot of the "forbidden knowledge that will drive you mad" in Apocrypha is just like. Knowledge of, including all relevant cultural context, memes from our real life.

Like imagine you're some poor bosmer, doesn't know fuck about any shit that isn't trees, and you stumble across a black book and upon reading it you are suddenly aware of the fact that Andrew Tate was owned by an 18 y/o on Twitter so hard he doxxed himself and got arrested for human trafficking. And you couldn't even tell other people about it. Of course you'd go mad

ROUND ONE PART EIGHT

AVID OBSERVER: It is cold on this rooftop, but none of the trees have a tall enough branch to get a good vantage point on Haven.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT): Mostly you watch folks run around doing errands. Some of Leliana's lot eye you every so often, but she has never brought up your rooftop times with you.

EMPATHY: Perhaps she appreciates having another eye in the sky?

AVID OBSERVER: There are changes every day, but a general rhythm that Haven follows. It's something like meditation watching it unfold.

LOGIC: It makes you feel like you are learning. But you are not sure what. There are so many holes in your memory, it could be anything.

RED STRING: ONE DAY IT WILL ALL PAY OFF, AND YOU WILL SEE! YOU WILL SEE THE BIG PICTURE, THE LINKS!! THE CONNECTIONS!!

EMPATHY: Or, this is a way to hide. From all the questions you can't answer. From all the strangers you're supposed to be saving the world with. A world you can't even remember.

YOU: You flop backwards onto the snow and stare up at the sky. Even away from the healed breach there traces of that Fade green.

THE MARK: You lift up your left hand to inspect it. It no longer hurts you. It tingles a bit when closing rifts, and it still shouts at you sometimes, as many things do. But right now it is quiet. Content to glow lazily in the filtered sunlight.

YOU: You drop your arm and close your eyes. Maybe you can sleep here and avoid having to do anything about reality collapsing or whatever

you guys know that the reblog function is the main feature of this site right ? its that little recycle looking symbol at the bottom next to the like button, you can add a comment if you want you can write something in the tags that your followers and the op will see. its like the main feature of this site

im not trying to sound rude in saying this but i have had 5 people with completely empty blogs follow me in the last hour or so and like im sure that makes sense on instagram or something but here it just makes you look like a bot account here and people will block you under that assumption. go reblog a post you like. go reblog an image of a snail

I made a web app to allow people to easily create all these FromSoft-style text overlays, free to use, for your pleasure

rezuaq.be/new-area/image-creator

I know I posted about this before, but I really wish people put more thought into the whole "nonbinary Pyro" concept besides just "haha creacher go they/them". I feel like everyone is so accustomed to the jokes and shitposts about nonbinary people being "gremlins", "feral goblins", various kinds of animals, etc., that they forget we're also... Idk, people? And obviously there's nothing wrong with seeing a character this way, especially for nonbinary players who main and/or identify with Pyro. But it also reinforces the century-old trope that nonbinary people are somehow alien, different, mythical, and not just, y'know, regular people who sometimes also happen to have man tits, girl beards, FACES, for fuck's sake. Does that make sense?

An (in)comprehensive guide on how to write Heavy's speech patterns, based on my perception of the character and my expertise as someone who teaches English to Russian students.

A disclaimer to quickly mention that this is very subjective advice that you are free to debate, ignore, or use however you see fit. Long post under the cut.

Anyway, aside from a few specific exceptions, I really like how Valve handled Heavy's English. It really feels like a character, not just a caricature or collective image of everything Russian the West considers funny.

The important thing to remember here is that you are writing a smart man. A man who speaks two languages and has a Ph.D. in literature. A man who already has the idea ready in his head when he voices it, and that's important to remember when writing pretty much any foreigner, but Heavy especially. Miscommunication is fun and all, but just compare:

- Someone like Scout, who might stumble over words because he didn't think them through, then add more words, get off track, and end up over-explaining none of whatever he had in mind in the first place.

- And someone like Heavy, who has one concise idea per a chance to speak up (because non-native speakers tend to stay quiet until they're absolutely sure of what to say), and is going to get this idea through no matter what. He's way less likely to add "fill-in" words or get off track, and far more likely to go quiet in the middle of the sentence because there's one particular word he can't remember.

These two would stumble in different places and would pace their sentences differently, and it's a good contrast to always keep in mind. Again, you are not writing a stereotypical dum-dum for comedic relief. You are writing a grown adult with higher education.

Now, with that said, some general don'ts and some dos for the common mistakes I've noticed.

DON'T randomly use simple Russian words instead of equally simple English words. ("да"/"da" instead of "yes", "хорошо"/"harasho" instead of "good", "нет"/"nyet" instead of "no"). People generally don't do that, even when they are struggling with the language. Easy words stick easily. Most of my students start using "yes", "no", "good" and the like before they can form actual sentences. (As a side-note, they're particularly fond of "of course" for some reason, and I headcanon Heavy to be the same way. Nobody likes "sure" though, probably because it's a bit of a bother to pronounce.)

Instead, DO try to precede complicated English words with their translated counterparts. "This chair is very.... *snaps fingers* Uh, удобный. *snaps fingers* Ah, comfortable! Comfortable chair." "Pass me the uhhh.... Сольницу. Солонку. Соль. *indiscernible angry mumbling* Salt! Thank you." It's innovative, it's hilarious, and you can play with the character's reaction to his own mistake instead of just having him randomly say something in his native language to remind everyone he has one.

DON'T avoid swearing. English swearing doesn't count :) It's a psychological effect I don't remember the name of, but basically, unless you've learned the language at a very young age, you don't have the unconditional reflex to tell you it's wrong to say "fuck". So let Heavy say "fuck". Petition to let Heavy say "fuck".

DO have him swear in English in the context where swearing would be unacceptable. DO have him mix up the severity of various swear words because he doesn't know the exact context of a phrase. DO have him misuse everything because he picked it from someone else. (What if he picked "c*unt" from Sniper the Australian and then used it when talking to Engineer the Texan oh mY GOD)

Also, DO have him swear in Russian when it's an actually serious situation. Russian swearing is very powerful and aggressive, I catch myself switching to it when enraged as well. But if you do use it, either go with one word or consult a native speaker. Seriously. Fuckin. Text me and I'll help you. Google will not. Google knows nothing.

DON'T avoid shortened grammar constructs ("I'll" instead of "I will", "don't" instead of "do not"). I've seen people write him speak like a robot for whatever reason, it just sounds ridiculous.

DON'T have him speak about himself in third person because why the fuck would he?

DON'T have him make mistakes in well-established and frequently used phrases ("be right back", "on my way", "up and at 'em", there's literally a ton of those). Think of how you would probably never make a grammar mistake in "c'est la vie" because you've heard that phrase a million times. Words that often go together, stay together in your memory. Heavy has been around English-speaking people long enough to not make such mistakes.

DON'T have him make sentences without a subject. The Russian language doesn't work that way. That's one thing Valve also gets wrong. (Note: a subject is the person or the thing that's performing the action in a sentence.)

If you absolutely need or want to drop something, drop the verb. Especially "to be" in the Present tense, second or third person ("I am" is pretty much mechanical for any non-native and never gets messed up).

Also, consider completely dropping "it is" at the beginning of a sentence. Instead of "It's cold outside!" write "Cold outside." Instead of "It's terrible!" write "Terrible." I'm not saying all Russian speakers bend grammar like this, but it does sound more natural than this:

(No disrespect to how gay this is btw)

While on the subject of gay and because everyone likes to write romance every now and then, here's a point about Russians using pet names: we usually DON'T. That's the short story. The long story is that we do, but in a different way than what Google will tell you. Firstly, it's rare. Like, you have no idea how rare. I've seen and been in a fair share of couples in my life, and the closest things to pet names I can remember people using were: - Neighbor - Small wheel - Different variations of the person's nickname (!) - Demon - Little hippopotamus Stuff like "babe", "dear", "love", etc. is reserved either for pretentious teenagers or rare exceptions which I don't believe Heavy to be a part of. And nothing wrong with being a pretentious teenager, obviously, but Heavy isn't one of those either. Now, as for the (!), I've seen people do their research, find out that the general rule for getting Russian nicknames is to add "-шка"/"-чка" ("-shka"/"-chka"), and then try to pull that off with western names. Which... is a mixed bag. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it works but gives the wrong undertone. Sometimes there are many ways to do it. Hell, take Heavy's name - "Миша"/"Misha". You can do, like, "Мишка"/"Mishka", and that's something his sister might call him (though she strikes me more as a "Мишаня"/"Mishanya" or "Миха"/"Miha" type of person). You can do "Мишенька"/"Mishen'ka" (using the ' to show a soft sound from now on because I can't transit properly), and that's one soft as heck, something his mom or a romantic interest might use. And I really hate to be the guy that makes a huge argument only to say "ask a native speaker" in the end, but do ask a native speaker if you come up with something. Try to get someone to read it and let you know how it sounds, because some things just don't work the way you want them to, and there's no way to know unless you feel it, the native speaker's way.

With this advice in mind, you should be able to write a Heavy that doesn't offend anyone and is overall nice and in character. If, however, you are writing something dialogue-heavy (haha "heavy") or are just more in-depth curious about this, I'm going to go over every grammar topic I can remember and remember the most typical mistakes and verbal quirks that the Russian speakers I know all share, and that might make Heavy's speech more unique. So buckle your seatbelts, fellas, and let's dive right into it.

Word order:

Generally, the first thing that the non-natives mess up. Manifests in questions that are phrased like statements. "This is good?" "You are okay?" "Why you are here?" Heavy has, however, used complex question structure (the first example that comes to mind being "Should I be awake for this?" in Meet the Medic, which has both a modal verb and an instance of Passive Voice), so if he does mess up the order, I imagine it's only in rare/stressful occasions, or when he doesn't mind his speech much.

Wrong order of adjectives. "This is a powerful big weapon." (Instead of "big powerful weapon") Love this one because it's not something native speakers immediately catch on to, but it has a foreign ring to it.

Wrong order of the complement part of the sentence. "I told about this to him." (Instead of "I told him about this.") This one's a bit more jarring, use at your own risk.

Plurals:

"Mens" and "womens", "one people" instead of "one person" (all my students have a strange aversion to "person" and often say "human" instead, which is funny).

"Advices". All the advices :)

"Childrens", oh my god. I hear that one more often than my own name.

Possessive case:

Generally using "of" more often than "-'s". "Weapon of my teammate" (instead of "my teammate's weapon")

Much/many/few/little/none:

Using "much" and "many" interchangeably. The only exception, in this case, is the phrases that are used often enough to remember the right word, like "very much" - it's always "very much", never "very many", so it's unlikely to get messed up.

Using "little" all the time, forgetting "few" exists.

Confusing "few" and "a few", "little" and "a little".

DOUBLE NEGATIONS. "I don't like nothing about this plan." (instead of "I don't like anything about this plan.") This one gets beaten outta any student's head early on, so nobody would mess it up all the time. But on occasion? Everyone. Even the best of us.

Also, either confusing "some" and "any" or just straight up not using them. "Would you like coffee?" (instead of "Would you like some coffee?") "Do you have some ice?" (instead of "Do you have any ice?")

Pronouns:

The Russian language is heavily gendered. It's not unusual for us to mistakenly use "he" or "she" when referring to an inanimate object. "This is my gun. Don't touch her*." (instead of "don't touch it") "Eat a sandwich. He's tasty." "That map? I hate her." * - a "gun" in Russian is an "it", a "minigun" is a "he". Heavy's gun being a "she" makes little sense linguistically, but I like it because it's still very in character for him. (Also, I share a name with her, which is cool.)

Here's a tutorial on how to find out a word's gender in Russian. Going to use the word "base" bc TF2-related or whatever:

1. Google translate it

2. Copy it to google search and add "это" in the end, the dictionary cut-out should pop up

3. Grab the words from the red rectangle and copy them into the translator again

Done! A base is a she :)) We love her.

Tenses:

Tenses are the most difficult part of the English language for most, if not all of the people I interact with, students or not. So I'm going to try and go over the most used tenses and how they get messed up specifically.

Present Simple (does): the "-s" at the end of verbs gets dropped, "doesn't" is changed to "don't". "Medic like his doves and his books, but don't like loud noise and stupid people." It's a simple mistake, and in most cases, I'd say Heavy wouldn't make it. But if you feel like including it, go ahead, just don't overdo it.

Past Simple (did): irregular verbs mistaken for regular ones. "His corpse flied all the way over there!" (instead of "flew") Note that the more often used the irregular verb is, the less likely it is to get mistaken for a regular one.

Future Simple (will do): literally the easiest tense in the English language, never causes any issues.

Present Continuous (is doing): if I got a penny every time I heard "they are" instead of "they are", I'd have A LOT of pennies. But, once again, it's a simple mistake, so judge for yourself. Also, not sure if that's of any use to you, but we typically pronounce "-ing" completely. Like, you can hear the "-g". Most of the mercs have the opposite in their accents - workin', doin', speakin'. Heavy would never.

Past Continuous (was doing): YOU WAS. All. The. Time. I feel like Heavy would say it too, especially in singular. "You was great asset to team today. Good work!"

Future Continuous (will be doing): literally never used. Ignored. Completely and utterly disrespected. "I will be going-" NO. "I'll go." None of that fancy.

Present Perfect (has done): substituted by Past Simple where it shouldn't be, because that's what we learn first, typically. "I already saw this film." (instead of "I've already seen this movie", and yeah some of us like to say "film", I feel like Heavy would too). Also, irregular verbs mistaken for regular, but I've covered that already.

Past Perfect (had done): IGNORED. We call it "sequence of tenses" and we hate it. "Engineer said that he invented a new model for teleporter." (instead of "had invented", though to be fair Americans ignore it too, and you can even play funny and have Heavy be the only one who says it correctly).

While on the subject of the sequence of tenses, it gets ignored in Present and Future as well. "Medic said he needs help. He asked me if I will help him." (Instead of "Medic said he needed help. He asked me if I would help him.") Again, complicated. I didn't drop the "-s" in the first sentence, because when you start piling mistakes up, you're once again left with a caricature and not a person. Better less than too much.

Finally, random tense mishaps. He's speaking about something in the past and consistently using the present tense or vice versa. Using the wrong tense correctly. It's kind of endearing, if anything.

Articles:

Look, articles are hard. So you have a few options.

The easy option: drop them all. Just. Don't use them. "Some people think they can outsmart me. Maybe. Maybe. I've yet to meet one that can outsmart bullet." (instead of "the bullet", and I love that little detail, it's very natural. Also notice how he still uses complex language and comes off as intelligent, despite the mistake. That's what you should aim for. ALSO ALSO notice the use of "that" instead of "who", v typical, do it all the time, amazing writing there.) Also, the signature "I am Heavy Weapons guy!" without the "the". Valve did a good job here.

The more difficult option: consider why an article is used. If it's a common expression ("by the way", "just a [something]", "like a [something]"), it wouldn't be dropped. But if it's just a noun, with no popular phrase attached, then drop it. Do it in the same sentence, go whack. "I always have gun at the ready." (Note: "at the ready" - a common expression, but not "the gun" since it's just a lonely noun.)

Also also, wrong articles! "Take the shower." "Get in a car." "You are the idiot." (fav)

Prepositions:

Mistaking "at" for "in" or "on" is very common. Also very easy to write. Picture the location you'd normally describe as "at", then try to figure out if it's closer to "in" or "on", and put that.

Confusing "between" and "among". "There's Spy between us!"

Confusing "like" and "as".

Some stuff I don't know how to categorize:

Reading dates as full numbers, not pairs of two. "One thousand nine hundred sixty-eight." instead of "Nineteen sixty-eight."

Different names for chess pieces! He plays chess with Medic, doesn't he? Well, Russian names for chess pieces are... odd. Knights are "horses", bishops are "officers", and rooks are... "boats"? "Barges"? I'm not sure, but it's odd, anyhow. Imagine Heavy calling a knight a horse and someone having a revelation that it is, indeed, by design, a horse. Just sayin'.

"Play on something" instead of "play something" (when talking about an instrument). Haven't met a single Russian who hasn't made that mistake.

Confusing "do" and "make". All. The. Time. Especially using "do" instead of "make" (since that's the one you typically learn first).

Mixing up "oven" and "stove" (I. I did that. Multiple times.)

Complaining about not enough words for colors. Russian is a very rich language when it comes to adjectives, especially for colors. There's never enough of them. I mean, blue? Which blue?!

Saying "problems" instead of "problem". "You got problems with that?"

Saying "for example", which is just. So very Soviet Russia, idk. Native speakers rarely ever say it, even "for instance" sounds better, and most people just go with "like".

False synonyms: - Using "normal" when you mean "alright". - Using "accurate" when you mean "precise". (These are just very intuitive, I'll add more examples if I remember them)

Mixing up "that", "which", and "who". I think I mentioned it before. "That" is practically universal to us.

Mixing up words in "-ing" and words in "-ed". "I am boring." (instead of "I am bored.")

Finally, a collection of Russian sounds that we make in various situations so people can stop putting fucking da and nyet in his speech please for the love of god:

"Ай!"/"Ai!" - sudden, unexpected pain, levels low to medium. The equivalent of "ouch".

"Эй!"/"Ei!" - a cry of displeasure at someone's actions, or a call to "wait up", a close equivalent of "oi"!

"A?" - not hearing or not understanding a phrase, akin to "Eh?" or "What?"

"Кс-кс", "кис-кис"/"ks-ks", "kis-kis" - calling a cat. Dunno why you'd need it, but it's here.

"Ага"/"aha" or "aga" - affirmative. The equivalent of "yeah".

"Кыш!"/"ksh" (un-translitable) - shoo, go away. At animals. When directed at people, comes off as derogatory.

"Мда"/"Mda" - helpless disappointment.

"Ну-ну"/"nu-nu" - a very polite equivalent of "try me, bitch".

"Ого"/"oho" or "ogo" - the expression of being surprised at the quantity of something. Often followed by "how much" or "how many" - "Oho, how many bullets!"

"Тик-так"/"tik-tak" - the sound of a clock.

And that's it! Hope this was at least somewhat useful, or at least an entertaining read! Also, would love to see similar posts on other mercs' speech patterns because I really want a full collection. If you have any links and recommendations, send them my way!

Suggestions, questions, and critiques are welcome. Also, I spent way too many hours writing this, but I regret none of them.

First post I guess

Yoinketh

ayo i found 2 pages with head angles of humans and animals, could be useful to anyone reading this

hoomans

animals