A Cluster Of Tangled Up Sentiments Comes Up When Nolan Sees It’s Oliver. Ever Difficult For Him To

there were many things for him to regret in life, but nolan always supposed that came with living. it was impossible for things to be perfect all the time, so mistakes were bound to happen. he could not deny that. could he admit to doing wrong in this instance, though? no, not when he watched her displeasure deepen day by day or when he listened to her complaints of the life she felt locked into. so why the anguish over something he stood by?

seeing her now, getting lost in her eyes all over again, nolan knew what it was he truly regretted. he wished he had made clear what he felt for her back then. shown her that what he had done wasn't just for her, but for both of them. he had been confident it would bring them closer together, not make them strangers to the point where he couldn’t even guess what she would say next.

of course they expected whatever she said to hurt. there was no way to avoid it, but when she spoke, a stinging sensation stabbed him in his chest and almost made him keel over.

a familiar panic began to wrap itself around his neck. he swallowed hard, pushing it down to the pit of his stomach. the acid will eat it away, he thought to himself as a bitterness began to fill his mouth. he refused to believe she didn’t want to ever see him again. if she’d been anyone else, he would’ve let the venom brewing in him to escape and return the pain. with serra, so sweet and so delicate in their eyes however, they couldn’t do it. so they swallowed it down again, the lump in their throat growing.

“i don’t think it’s funny,” he was finally able to get out. i think it’s really fucking sick actually, he almost spits out, but he doesn’t want her to run off and disappear again. he wants his explanation, needs it at this point. so he puts on a mask and pretends he’s fine; he knows how to act after all.

it’s when she stops and faces them that the facade begins to slip. they doubt they’re strong enough to keep it on much longer, so they let her have her way (an easy and natural thing for nolan). “okay. fine. not now,” he surrenders before going onto insist it’s not the end of things. “but we have to talk about this. i’ve missed you.. a lot. i know we can be close again if you only understood, so just… take time to talk to me.”

     "relax," nolan chuckled, "no one thinks you're an asshole." her dreamy gaze and pale face had worried him. it was the reason he had approached her in the first place. "i guess you just answered my question, though," he thought out loud, referring to having asked if she was going to be okay since he'd caught a look in her eye that made him think she might fall over (must've been when the waffle whispered). "listen, just have a seat, i'll be right back," he said as he gently guided her into one of the booths. a few moments later, nolan returned with the chocolate-chipped treat. "here." he slid it in front of, only to then stand up straight and look around the cafe in case anyone around hinted at knowing her. there was no one. he peered back her, clearing his throat. "are you okay to drive?"

open starter location/time: sunrise cafe; late evening

she didn't mean to zone out, she really didn't, but after working four ten hour shifts straight, her brain was no longer functioning. the only thing her brain could focus on was the absolutely stunning chocolate chip waffle in front of her.

"I'm.. not trying to be an asshole, i promise, but i am going to need you to repeat what you just said. i swear this waffle just started whispering to me.. i know that's not the case, but the sleep deprivation is getting to me hardcore."

without any hesitation, nolan reaches for the shot. they thank adrian, giving him a mischievous look before they down it, this time not even bothering to clink the small glass with other's. the spirit lifts him up, makes him stand up straighter as a small shiver goes down his spine. already he feels it working with the previous one to loosen him up. despite the muscles packed on him, nolan is a bit of a lightweight since he doesn't drink often. though lately, he's been indulging more and more. for a moment, he considers if maybe adrian has used substances as a way to blur out reality in the same way nolan has been since coming home. it almost makes him laugh. what does adrian need to run away from? his life is perfect.

taking a quick look around, nolan doesn't see anyone who catches his eye so he turns his attention back to his company. without rhodes around, nolan isn't really sure how to engage with adrian, so he has to resort to small talk. "so.. how are things? saw you swiping earlier. have you met anyone out here yet that you think will be able to tame the beast?" even as he speaks, nolan can hear how cringey the last of his words are but the vodka has already soothed his nerves enough for him not to care too much.

he's perched on nolan's couch, swiping through tinder like he swipes through insta stories -- barely paying attention. every time 'it's a match!' appears on his screen, he copy pastes and sends the exact same message: you're too fucking cute. going out tonight?

nolan's voice eventually pulls him out of his trance; a slow grin spreads over his features, visibly buzzed from pregaming at the yacht club since 2 pm. "aww, just tell me you missed me." adrian sure did; he enjoys their occasional hangouts, might even give him the drunk, sappy 'i love you, man' speech in the bathrooms of whatever establishment they end up at.

"to boy's night." he smirks, holding up the mini bottle of grey goose (or what's left of it anyway, because nolan sure took his sweet time).

--

they go to adrian's favorite club; he's chummy with the bouncer who lets them straight in, the dirty looks from the rest of the line only fueling his power trip. inside, he orders three shots, downs one by himself before bringing the other two back to nolan, "you've got some catching up to do."

biography. connections. navigation.

     [ … ] ❀ you’re not from around here , are you? i figured because you totally just missed { NOLAN BALLARD } walking by. don’t tell me you don’t know who { HE/THEY } is/are ? they kind of look like { JEREMY ALLEN WHITE } and i could be wrong but i think that they might be { 30 } years old right now. they’ve been living in palmview for the last { MONTH }. and i don’t know if anyone has ever told them this before but they kind of remind me of { SHANE } from { THE WHITE LOTUS }. if you stick around the town long enough you might catch them in action working at { X } as an { ACTOR / ACTIVIST }. you see this town isn’t really that big of a place, some folks like to call them the { THE MANNEQUIN } of palmview! they took a liking to the name too after a while, go figure. oh crap, they must have heard me yapping. they’re coming this way. i got to warn you though, rumor has it they can pretty { VAIN } at times. i wouldn’t take it too seriously though, from the times i’ve spoken to them they seemed pretty { GENEROUS } to me. we see each other all the time since they live in that { FOUR BEDROOM } apartment beside me over in { CORAL COVE }. i better leave you to it. it was nice meeting you!

QUICK STATS

name: nolan james ballard nickname(s): n/a gender: nonbinary man pronouns: he/him, they/them age: thirty dob: may 1, 1994 pob: palmview, florida, usa orientation: bisexual residence: apt #1b, harborview residencies, coral cove

APPEARANCE

height: 5’8 build: short and stocky; muscular ethnicity: italian american eye colour: blue hair colour: blonde notable features: ancient face; bright blue eyes style: quiet luxury tattoos: yes piercings: ears pierced, diamond studs

PERSONALITY

positive traits: candid, confident, informed, resolute, active, stylish negative traits: haughty, hostile, condescending, vain compulsive likes: recycling, meal prepping, dry wine, pampering themself, smoking dislikes: leg day, people magazine, fast fashion, dirty counters, mixing lights and darks

CAREER & EDUCATION

current occupation: actor; environmental activist past occupation(s): brand endorsements

HEAD CANNONS

nolan would rather awkwardly carry all his groceries in his arms than ever touch a plastic bag ever again

vegetarian (sometimes vegan) because meat industry is bad for the environment

not the most well-known actor since he ditched hollywood just as his career was taking off to stick to indies and the stage, but film buffs will likely recognize him from a couple of big titles from the 2010s + some cameos here and there, so as long as he's lowkey, people don't often recognize him much less come up to him

big decisions are always ran by his mother, annie. she doesn’t like most of his ideas so she’s contradicts him a lot, putting him in a weird head space whenever he does follow his intuition and go against her input

very much hates public speaking, but fights through his discomfort if it means educating people/communities on why it’s important to care about the planet

if he's not out socializing or working, he'll spend the evening/night at the gym

on top of the apartment he has here, he has a place in los angeles and new york city

knowing the crowd would be too much for him to jump straight into, nolan grabbed a whiteclaw from the open bar and wandered along the coast. they stood looking out at the horizon, a few hundred yards away from the bustle of beach-goers. he contemplated chugging the drink in hopes of the alcohol to take a quick enough effect to make him ready to be social. he knew lottie would be wondering where he'd run off to, so he tried but the carbonated drink hurt his throat and his coughed up more than half of what he'd wanted to swallow. shaking off what'd splattered on him, nolan was horrified to see that someone had been witness to the whole thing. "looks like i retired the party animal too early." they tried to joke away the embarrassment. // @richardsonlouis

Jeremy Allen White for Saint Laurent (SS24)