Pride

pride<3 (brian may x reader)

it was june 9th (69 haha nice) and you were heading to your local pride parade. you were not gay, but you wanted to exploit gay people for some cute photos for instagram. cute! you were attending the pride parade with your best friend, roger taylor. roger was also NOT gay, and was drinking soup out of a can.

you arrived at the pride parade. you were hoping to find a sexiiiiiiii man there (you whore). but oh no! all the guys there were gay because this was a pride parade. who would appreciate your hot outfit (a nun costume with a hole cut out over the nipples) now?!? 

then, you saw him. a tall, beautiful man. it was father brian harold may, the pastor at your local church. he was there to show support to the gay community, but was also NOT gay. there are no gay characters in this story despite it occurring at a pride parade. (a/n: i forgot to mention, i’m allowed to have no gay characters because i am gay).

brian harold may was 72 years old.

you beckoned him over lustfully. “hey….father,” you whispered.

“hey, hottie,” he said, licking your neck. he was an awful priest.

roger, still drinking soup, was deeply jealous of this. he secretly had feelings for you, and he HATED father brian harold may because of the time when he confessed to murder and father brian harold may broke the confidentiality of confession and told roger’s parents.

roger poured the remainder of his soup onto brian harold may’s luscious curly hair. “take that, slut” he said, nutting. however, roger was a fool. this only made you more attracted to the older man. you began wringing the soup out of his hair directly into your mouth. 

roger began to cry. in all the commotion, no one noticed john deacon slithering up underneath your nun robes. in an act of devious mischief, he amputated your left leg. 

“you SLUT” you said, ripping your robes off to reveal the criminal. (you were now naked). 

roger taylor would not stand for this. he quickly began to hex john deacon. but he had forgotten one important thing…you were in the company of a MAN OF GOD.

father brian harold may briefly looked at your amputated leg with lust, then exorcised roger taylor (as priests do). “oh, brian,” you moaned. “exorcise me next”

“i don’t take orders from whores,” said father brian harold may, visibly aroused. he stabbed you once to establish dominance, snatching one of your eyes and placing it in the pocket of his robes. “i will see you at mass next sunday”

he disappeared into the mist. another successful pride!