If I Could Take It Back (Luke JATP)

If I Could Take It Back (Luke JATP)

Summary: What if 'Unsaid Emily' wasn't about his mother...

Author's Note: This is a bit of a long and sad one.

Warning: death of sibling

“Luke! You don’t have to leave!” the girl yelled, tears streaming down her face. Her heart pounding in her ears as she watched him throw things in his bag.

                “You don’t understand, Mom and Dad will never let me be in the band. You know I can’t live without music.” Luke turned around. His face showing the distress. He hated being the reason for her tears, but else was he supposed to do. He wasn’t giving up his dreams, no way. Not when they had all worked so hard and could almost taste their stardom. He finished packing and took a deep breath. “You know I wouldn’t be doing this if things were different. There’s no other way.”

                The younger girl shook her head, “No, you’re choosing the easy way out. You’re leaving and you don’t care about how I’ll be left behind.” Her voice heavy with betrayal. “You don’t know what you’re doing.”

                “You’re just like them! You don’t believe in the band! You don’t believe in me…” his voice trailed off in hurt. He knows that you supported him from the very start, but in the moment, he felt as though you turned on him.

                “That is bull! I have supported you from the jump, no matter what you did. I can’t believe you would even say that.” Luke stared at the bewildered look on her face. “You know what! Go, leave and don’t even think about how you’re leaving me behind. You obviously have better things to do.” The girl threw a shirt at him. Luke looked down and saw it was a Sunset Curve shirt. The one the whole band signed for her after she went to their first gig, screaming louder than anyone else.

                Luke grabbed his bag and guitar, slinging them on his back. He turned to the door and without looking back said the last thing she would ever hear from him, “I always thought you were my biggest fan.” His hurt was evident through his words even if she couldn’t see his face. Without knowing, they would never speak again.

______________________________________________________________

 “Who’s Emily?” Julie asked looking at Luke’s songwriting book. Reggie and Alex shared a glance while Luke’s eyes widened. 

                “That one wasn’t dog eared!” He tried to grab the book back, but Julie pulled it close to her. Her eyes scanned the lyrics quickly, seeing the emotional words written on paper. She felt bad reading it, feeling as though she was invading his space. She tried to play it off as a joke to lessen the feeling.        

                “Wow Luke, I didn’t know you were such a romantic.” A grin spreading across her face. Julie could see Luke swallow harshly, looking like he was about to break into a sweat. Alex jumped up.

                “That ones actually about-“ Luke smacking him cutting him off. Even though he had grown close to Julie, this isn’t something he was ready to share. This song wasn’t for everyone to hear, it was personal. One written over nights when he couldn’t stop his mind from wondering back to the night he left. There was so much guilt and hurt poured into it. All the words he wished she could have heard from him.

                Julie sensed the mood shift and tried to change the subject by turning the page to look at the next song. She knew this song was something close to Luke’s heart, but didn’t want to open that box yet. Maybe he would share it with her when he was ready.

                Though, within weeks of knowing him, he still never brought it up. Alex and Reggie had taken her to his parent’s house to see how Luke was being town apart from leaving behind his parents. Julie connected the dots to the song, and it all made sense to her. Emily was his mom.

                “Julie, it tore look apart to leave behind his parents.” Reggie told her, distraught over his face. They had all run away from their families while trying to pursue their dreams. Both the boys knew it was harder for Luke, he had left more behind.

                “So, Emily is his mom….” Julie spoke softly looking at the two boys. Reggie and Alex shared a look. One full of remorse and heartache. Neither wanting to speak but felt they should.

                “No,” Alex’s voice broke, “Emily is Luke’s sister.” Julie’s eyebrows furrowed.

                “His sister?” Luke hadn’t brought up his sister before, though to be far he had never mentioned his parents much either. Both boys nodding their heads.

                “It killed him to leave his parents, but what broke him was never seeing his sister again,” Reggie felt the weight in his chest, “Emily was always by his side, supported him in chasing his music, but when he wanted to leave to travel, they got into an argument.” Alex looked down; he had always appreciated how much support she gave them. Always there front row, knowing all their songs. Even after his parents looked down upon him after coming out, Emily was there, telling him that who he loved didn’t matter, if it was someone who loved him just as much.

                Julie let their words settle in her mind. Luke never got to see you again before he died. That song was his apology to you, no wonder he didn’t want her to read it. She wouldn’t have wanted him to read hers if the roles were reversed. After they had left Luke’s Julie couldn’t stop thinking about the song, or Luke. She felt as though the band had given her so much, bringing her love for music back. Maybe she could give Luke something back in return.

                After a couple of days, Julie had found it. She had found Emily’s house. As she walked up to the porch Luke appeared at the same time. His eyes pouring into hers with surprise.      

“Julie? What’re you doing here?” He sounded stressed. She wasn’t supposed to be here. Julie gave him a sad smile.

                “Alex and Reggie told me about Emily after I saw you at your parents.” She confessed, eyes looking towards the ground.

                “You followed me? After your speech about boundaries?” Luke couldn’t help the frustration in his voice. Julie was one of the closest people to him, but this was a lot to expose to her.

                “You visit her?” Julie asked softly, trying to get him to open up to her. Julie didn’t want to overstep. Luke closed his eyes not wanting Julie to see the tears gathering there.

                “I haven’t been able to make it past the door,” He spoke barely above a whisper. “After leaving, I don’t know if I can face her again. So, I just stand here, hoping maybe, she will walk out.” Luke shared; he couldn’t hold it in anymore. His guilt eating him from inside. Julie stepped a bit closer to him making him look up at her slowly. He let out a breath.

                “I don’t even know what I would say to her if she could hear me.” His voice broken as his vison clouded.

                “Trust me.” Julie looked in his eyes with s softness that made Luke nod. He stepped over and rang the doorbell while keeping his eyes on hers. A promise in their eyes.

                The door opened a second later, revealing a woman with a confused look. She looked every bit like look. The same brown hair and wide, brown eyes. Luke’s breath hitched as he looked at her for the first time in 25 years. Though to him it was only an hour he was away, but she had grown up. His younger sister now older.

                “Hello, can I help you?” Emily asked Julie confused on why a young girl would be stopping by. Julie gave a soft smile.

                “Did you have a brother named Luke?” Julie watched as the confusion turned into sadness. Emily’s eyes casting down as her mouth opened slightly. Luke wanted to say, “Emily I’m right here, I’m sorry for leaving you.” But the words wouldn’t have been heard. So instead, he let his eyes watch her, holding his breath.

                “I did,” Emily said looking back up at Julie. A sad smile forming on her face. Julie felt the piece of paper become heavier in her hands. The weight of what she was about to do becoming clear. “Why do you ask?”

                “He used to play in my garage, and I found something that I think belongs to you.” Julie lifted the paper up; Emily’s eyes fell on it. She gave a small nod and opened the door wider.

                “Would you like to come in?” Emily stepped back and allowed Julie, and unknowingly to her, Luke to enter. Julie nodded back and entered. As she walked in her eyes caught a picture frame sitting on a side table. She picked it up and looked at it closely.

                “Is this Luke? And the band?” Julie’s gaze sweeping over the boys she had started to call family. The picture was of a younger version of Emily throwing her arms around the boys after what looked like a show. Emily stepped over and looked as well.

                “Yeah, that’s the boys after one of their gigs. They were so happy with how many people came to see them.”

Luke wanted to say “We were happy you showed up too”

Emily smiled as she remembered the day well. “I’ve never seen a band play like them before. I was their biggest fan.” Luke closed his eyes wishing that he could go back to that day. Back to before everything got bad. “I’m sorry what was your name?”

“Oh, um, I’m Julie.” Julie could feel Luke’s sadness, making her heartbreak. “I was looking through all of the old boxes and came across a song.” She held up the paper, “It’s for Emily.”

Emily felt her chest clench as she looked down at the paper Julie started to hand to her. It took everything in her not to turn away and refuse to look at it. Luke has been gone for so long, but the wound still felt fresh. The love would never fade. Emily looked at Julie uncertain, but Julie gave her a small encouraging nod. With that, Emily took the old paper, feeling as though it weighed 100 pounds. She took a deep breath before letting her eye fall onto the words scribbled across.  Luke knew the words all too well. He spent hours hunched over it, pouring everything he had into it.

As Emily read over it, it was like she could hear Luke’s voice singing it to her. All the guilt and pain. But, also, all the love that he had for her. Tears began to fall as she felt so much closer to her brother than she said felt in years. The words bringing back the fight that she had wished had gone differently. All the memories of her and Luke. When she finished, Luke’s voice fading away, she looked back up at Julie. She could feel that somehow Julie heard it too.            

                “Thank you, you don’t know how much this means to me,” Emily took a deep breath, “Luke was my best friend. I only wanted him to get all he wanted from life.” Julie felt Luke behind her as he struggled with wanting to reach out to Emily. His face covered in his own now fallen tears.

“I write music in the same place he did. I can tell you that the place is filled with so much light and happiness. Luke found the one thing he wanted to live for, and I don’t think a lot of people get to do that.” Julie too had begun to cry. All the love around the room affecting her.

Emily pulled Julie into a soft hug and closed her eyes, “Thank you so much Julie. I know that Luke would be so happy that you’re there writing.” Julie knew that she couldn’t have been more right. Luke gave one last look towards his sister before vanishing. If only she knew that Luke had been right outside her door all along.

Julie made it back home to see Luke sitting on her porch. She walked up as he looked up from the ground towards her.     

“I’m sorry for overstepping.” Julie stood next to him as he shook his head.

“No, Julie, thank you. I just wish she knew how much I love her and miss her. I never meant to walk out and never be able to see her again.” Luke said guiltily.

“I think she knows, Luke.” Julie said making Luke feel a bit lighter. Emily was his biggest regret, but now he felt a bit of closure knowing she had heard his song for her.