Capybara #130: Pov He Saw You Holding A Slice Of Watermelon

it feels so nice to get all these headlines in my inbox, finally some good fucking news

Not long after, they heard the whinge of engines; soon, two SUVs arrived. Out jumped not local police, but a horde: 15 men armed with bats and axes. The documentary crew broke for Bosutar’s car but couldn’t get the locks in time. The attackers pried the doors open, snapped the key, slashed the tires, and smashed the camera equipment. They beat Mocanu, trapped between the car and the mountainside, unconscious. They clubbed Dragolea in the face. The director dove down the nearby ravine, where he hid under the roots of a fallen tree and called the police, begging them to come with their sirens on. “I said, ‘They’re killing the journalists in the forest, and they are tracking me down,’” he recounted. “I knew cases where people had died in the forest, I saw axes around me. If someone didn’t call, we were going to die for sure.”

been taking those mellodramattic pills today

'Angelic Reeds'

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“Sorry that it all went down like it did”

Chain of Command Chapter 3

Though Yeongdeungpo was by no means a great neighbourhood- with its graffitied walls and copious amounts of street violence- Bambi was unable to get used to the crumbling walls and dirty streets that were distinct features of the area surrounding Hyeongshin.

The school itself seemed a little dingy, with shabby furniture and even shabbier students, so unlike Yeo-il’s pristine hallways and spotless floors. She eyed an overflowing trash can at the side of the corridor as she walked through, before turning away and sighing.

Whatever. She wasn’t a judgemental person. (She was).

She was headed to Hyeongshin’s meeting room, the usual meet up spot for when she came to do business with Forrest Lee. Despite the not-so-stellar quality of the school, she was in a good mood, as she always was when she was about to meet up with Forrest Lee, though it was a little dampened by the news she was about to deliver to him. It had something to do with business decreasing, which would’ve been fine if it was Ganghak, or Yoosun, or anybody with a reputation accumulated after a long time.

But for someone who just lost to another school and had their management changed in the short span that they were an executive (a position that they only gained through snitching on their ex leader), it would not have been the best thing to hear.

The boys from Hyeongshin were already losing part of their commissions, who knew what Donald would do if they continued to mess up? She frowned. Donald’s wrath was something she did not want to be on the receiving end of.

By now, she was nearly off the first floor, halfway up the staircase to the second storey where the meeting room was located, right at the end of the hallway. Though it wasn’t her school, she was well acquainted with Hyeongshin’s layout due to the numerous times she’d visited.

Like Yeo-il, there weren’t many students still lingering in the hallways, most having already left the school to go to karaoke or the pool hall, or perhaps even a cram school. (She snorted a little at the thought.) However, whatever little students were left identified her immediately and soon she had a small crowd of students whipping their heads towards her at breakneck speed, giving themselves a millisecond to gawk before directing their gazes to the ground, arms stiff by their sides.

In other parts of Yeongdeungpo, when people realised of her affiliation to the Union, they tended to stare and whisper amongst themselves.

But in Hyeongshin, when the boys saw her, or any other Union member, they all grew very silent and still, parting before her like Moses and the Red Sea. It seemed like Myles Joo had them trained well.

…

Before he left, of course.

She paid no mind to them, walking through the now cleared path (though there weren’t that many people in the way in the first place) and quickening her pace as she approached the meeting room, reaching for the handle.

Hyeongshin High’s meeting room, though smaller than a regular classroom, was spacious, with a long table on one side and two couches on the other. Though, officially, its purpose was to serve as a room where the student council would gather (and that was what it was used for, at least to the knowledge of the teachers) but the students of the school were all well aware of what it really was; the gathering area for the school head and his friends.

And there the school head was, sitting across the room quietly, frowning and presumably deep in thought.

“Hey,” Bambi tossed her bag onto the couch opposite Forrest Lee, making herself comfortable, before she noticed the unusual silence in the room and the absence of two certain someones. “Where’d they go?”

Forrest seemed to immediately know who she was referring to.

Robin Ha and Sam Lee (or better known as Grape) were Forrest’s second and third in command, though they seemed to be in disagreement about who was who. The two of them followed Forrest everywhere, and it felt strange when they were gone. Grape, who earned his nickname from his curly purple hair, was the shorter and more talkative one of the duo, with a cocky personality and an overt eagerness whenever it was time to get into a fight. Robin Ha, though less talkative than his friend, was by no means less sadistic or willing to punch somebody in the face.

“Hey. Robin went for a smoke, and Grape went to look for him.”

Forrest paused a little before he continued, and the look on his face told Bambi he was only expecting the absolute worst.

“So why’d you come down here today?”

She grimaced a little; it was too bad that she was going to have to validate his fears.

“It involves KHG industries.”

“Hyeongshin’s uniform sales have dipped after your loss to Eunjang. It’s not so bad for Yoosun, since Jimmy Bae’s in charge, but you haven’t been school head for long so…”

She studied his face, and when he stayed silent, she continued.

“Anyways, just get your boys to beat a bunch of guys up, or whatever. The method doesn’t really matter, as long as Donald doesn’t lose his commission.” Bambi pursed her lips; she usually never had trouble relaying instructions, but watching Forrest Lee’s cressfallenness made her feel a little guilty. “It’s better for all of us anyways, for sales to be high.”

Her attempt to lighten the tone didn’t seem to work very well, as Forrest continued to stare down at the table in front of him, his eyes never meeting hers. There was a grim yet pensive look on his face, like he was slowly processing the information.

After a moment, he finally responded.

“Yeah, okay.”

Bambi raised an eyebrow.

She’d been around Forrest long enough to put a name to each of his mannerisms, and the tone of voice he was currently talking with was the one he used when he was down- dejectedness badly disguised as impassiveness.

Usually he was brimming with confidence, making small talk and laughing with her, the large smirk on his face one of someone who knew he had power. But today it was different. She thought back to the events of the last Union assembly, sighing inwardly as she observed his downcast form.

She didn’t have to guess to know why.

“Has Ganghak come over to collect the files yet?” She inquired, neither addressing nor ignoring the elephant in the room, choosing to awkwardly skirt around it instead.

“Robin offered to pass them to Wolf, but I’m not sure if he’s arrived yet. I’ll check later.” Forrest’s grim look seemed to worsen at the thought of Ganghak’s leader.

“Okay.”

To be fair, who could really blame Forrest for being disheartened? Bambi certainly didn’t, but she was never really good at situations like this; she was more used to just saying something snarky and leaving.

She directed her gaze back to Forrest Lee, who was now staring at the wall behind her. His eyes were narrowed, like he was contemplating something, and she sighed again, out loud this time.

“Look, man.”

Forrest finally directed his gaze towards her, seemingly apprehensive about what she was going to say.

“I don’t like this new shift in management either. But if you and Jimmy Bae handled the situation with Eunjang better, this wouldn’t’ve happened. Not to mention what happened with Myles…”

Forrest Lee flinched, and for a split second both of them recalled the events that came before Myles Joo’s excommunication.

Bambi had already been suspicious of Myles after his show of displeasure at being demoted after Jake Ji’s arrival; his obvious anger at Jake and Donald Na, and even his hostility towards her and hesitation to follow orders, which had never been a problem before. She had the observers planted around Yeongdeungpo to report to her if Myles Joo was caught acting out, before Forrest Lee came to her all of a sudden with evidence that Myles was betraying the Union.

She narrowed her eyes.

She was pretty new to the Union too at that point of time, so Forrest’s information had definitely helped her in gaining Donald’s trust. Perhaps it was considered cowardly, or disloyal, to go behind your leader’s back to rat him out, but so what? The Union benefited from disloyalty.

If the boys were just going to sit by as their leader plotted a coup, it could end up leading to the downfall of the Union. And she couldn’t let that happen, could she?

“But I guess I can’t complain, since it was beneficial for me, too.” She finished, and Forrest nodded quietly. He seemed relieved that she hadn’t drawn the topic out any longer. Nobody wanted to think about the punishment that Donald had bestowed upon Myles, and the betrayal that had led to it.

“I’m gonna go now. Don’t forget to make sure the files are handed off to Ganghak. See you.”

“Later.”

She caught a glimpse of his face as the door slammed; his expression had shifted into something steely, like the gears in his head were slowly turning.

The sky outside had turned a dark blue while she was in the meeting room. She made her way down the stairs and out of the school gate. Though the school was empty by now, the streets were busy, cars rushing past her in a stream of colour.

She stood there for a moment, idly watching the traffic before a loud roar came from behind, forcing her to jump to the side as a group of motorbikes sped past her.

(God, she fucking hated motorcycles. Every goddamn Union assembly was full of them, leaking exhaust and polluting the air.)

Bambi glared at the bikers, her eyes catching sight of their red blazers and gray slacks. Could it be?  Her eyes narrowed in on the boy at the front of the group, his messy purple hair slowly becoming less visible as he sped away into the distance, turning a bend and disappearing. She grimaced.

Seems like Ganghak did come over to make a pick up after all.

You had fun when you killed everyone here. Didn't you?You can kill anyone you want to kill and save anyone you want to save. It feels like being a deity. Babe, you and I can do anything together from now on. Aren't you excited already?

Ah yes, oxytocin.

"But I finished [Near and Mello] together as a set, and although they aren’t particularly laid out as such, I still feel a bit like they’re twins." —Obata Takeshi

whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same:

i. low sky, mahmoud darwish. ii. the world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire, ritika jyala. iii. kadan, 2008. iv. the dreamers, gilbert adair. v. @nathanielorion vi. nagiko, 2016. vii. elektra, sophokles (tr. anne carson). viii. wishbone, richard siken. ix. inbred, ethel cain. x. the boy who, tirol. xi. monster portraits, del samatar and sofia samatar. xii. in the field, @nathanielorion xiii. death note, "use" ch77. xiv. gut symmetries, jeanette winterson. xv. mystic union; fire and wine: poems, john gould fletcher. xvi. @inukai_0055, twitter. xvii. the carnivorous lamb, agustín gómez-arcos. xviii. my sister, the serial killer, oyinkan braithwaite. xix. the beatrice letters, lemony snicket (text); a quiet visitor, holly warburton (art); @unpardonablesins (edit). xx. ada, vladimir nabokov. xxi. this is how you lose the time war, amal el-mohtar. xxii. the borgias, s3e10, showtime. xxiii. @antaarf xxiv. @vilicity xxv. @boymiffy

this was amazing

I think a lot about The Bathroom Scene™ and how Kaz's selfless actions towards Inej are contrasted with their discussion about whether he's any different from Pekka, but Chapter 26 as a whole also does a lot to show how much Kaz cares about all of his Crows and not just Inej. He spends a lot of time in that chapter thinking about how he's probably about to die, and yet he does everything in his power to make sure his Crows get out alive.

He specifically zeroes on Inej's safety, of course (because when isn't Kaz focused on her?) but his actions, dialogue, and internal monologue are all entirely centered around how guilty he feels for getting everyone into this mess and how desperate he is to make sure he's the only collateral damage of his own scheme at the end of the day:

Kaz sits down and (more or less) fully explains his entire plan to the Crows instead of keeping them in the dark

Kaz gives Jesper's dad the only protection he's still able to give: his own family's name and reputation

Kaz ruminates on why he called Jesper by his brother's name and implicitly acknowledges that it's because he's scared to recognize Jordie in Jesper (that he's afraid to lose another brother)

Kaz thinks "But they’d landed in a trap, and if he had to chew his paw off to get them out of it, then that was what he would do."

Kaz pays off Inej's contract by liquidating "every asset he had" and explicitly tells her "I don't want you to be beholden to Per Haskell. Or me."

Kaz tells Inej about his emergency money stash and charges her with getting everyone out of the city safely if he doesn't come back from the Slat

Kaz tells her "Whatever happens to me, survive this city. Get your ship, have your vengeance, carve your name into their bones. But survive this mess I’ve gotten us into."

Kaz leaves on a suicide mission, telling Inej not to follow, because if he's going to die he wants to be the only one in active danger

And of course Kaz had already offered to serve himself up on a silver platter to the stadwatch and give them a way out even before he came up with the auction plan (though we don't get Kaz's point of view of The Clocktower Fight, I suspect it's also why he picked that fight with Jesper: he knew Jesper would never leave him to die unless he made him mad enough to "walk away" for once in his life).

What separates Kaz from other Barrel Bosses like Pekka isn't just that he would never sell a person or con/otherwise harm children. It's that at his lowest, when all the bravado and scheming and masks are stripped away, Kaz chooses to put himself on the line and sacrifice his own safety over putting his people in any more danger than they have to be. Because despite his ruthlessness and casual assholery, Kaz simply doesn't have it in him to watch those he cares about get hurt if he can prevent it. He ended Chapter 26 saying he intended to leave damage behind when he's gone, but also spent the entirety of the Geldrunner chapters spending time and effort and money he didn't have to minimize the damage as much as possible for his friends (his new family) if the worst should happen to him.

So he gives them a safe place to land where the gangs won't find them. He tries to push them away and make them mad enough that they won't grieve him when he dies. He gives them multiple ways out even if none of those options guarantee his own safety. He gives them money and as much safety as he can provide with the whole city out for their blood. He gives Inej her freedom. And he gives them time to rest, recharge, and prepare for whichever plan they end up doing while he goes off to stage a coup he's not sure he'll come back from.

This is all to say: Kaz could never be Pekka, no matter how tough of a game he talks about burning everything to the ground, because Kaz cares too much to ever become Pekka. Even as he continues to pretend not to care about anything but the money, his love for his city and his Crows are baked into every one of his thoughts and actions in those chapters. Unlike Pekka, who flees first Ketterdam and then Kerch entirely when his son is in (percieved) danger, Kaz stays to fight for the city he bent to his will. And unlike Per Haskell, who lets other people do his dirty work and sells out at the first opportunity for glory, Kaz puts himself on the front lines first even when doing so comes at a great cost to himself.

Pekka chases money and power for their own sake. Per Haskell chases money and power for the decadence, glory, and laziness it allows him to get away with. Kaz chases money and power because he knows what it's like to be powerless and wants to, in his own weird way, protect others from suffering his trauma and himself from losing anyone else he cares about. And that's why even at his most unhinged Kaz could never become Pekka Rollins: his quest for power and fame and riches comes from a fundamentally different place. Kaz Brekker doesn't need a reason, but he has at least five at all times during the course of the duology...and while those reasons are often filtered through his primary reason (Inej's freedom, safety, and happiness), none of them are ever far from his mind.