Me: Yeah I've Been Eating Nothing But Buckshot For Like Six Days Is That Gonna Be A Problem?

If you know you know if you don’t fate has cursed you

Am I just tired or is this like, deliriously funny.

Bus drivers don’t choose that line of work, they are taken at a young age and transformed.

Here he comes!

This came to me in a dream and I am worried

update:

you are not letting go of the spoon oh god oh fuck

@biggest-gaudiest-patronuses i accidentally made you out of expired food.

Bad News: Our boss locked the keys inside the building.

Good News: We didn’t have to wait around for a locksmith.

Bad News: My boss finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory™. I was too embarrassed to admit that the reason I learned was because, at thirteen, I figured that was the kind of skill that would impress cute girls.

Good News: A cute girl saw me do it.

Bad News: It was Maggie, and since she’s already seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just too damn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, she’ll never think I’m cool no matter what I do. It’s too late. She knows.

yeah man hop on uhhhhh......... hop on uhhhhhh........

uhhhhhhhhhhhhh actually never mind

the gang's all here

Modern poetry at its finest

I like to play a game with people I know that I call “point and kill” where the object of the game is to find something I can not kill someone with. In the hypothetical situations the person being killed is not fighting back and is more like a car test dummy. You lose if you get unnerved and ask me to stop.

Everything’s a lethal weapon if used correctly.