The Master Plan

The Master Plan

[the entire cast standing around in the ruins of Death Star II, aghast] Kylo: [whispers] …what the fuck. Lando: Seriously?! This guy? Again? Anakin’s Force Ghost: [furious] This makes no sense! I killed you! Me! The Chosen One! Just like the stupid prophecy said I would! Luke’s Force Ghost: Yeah, and I saw it happen with my own two eyes! And then the Death Star was destroyed! How could you possibly have – Sidious: [bored, examining his nails] Hmm? Survived? [chuckles] Well you see, you fools, I knew all of this was going to happen. It was all part of the plan. [yawns] Quite underwhelming, I’m afraid. I was hoping for a bit more of a challenge. Leia: What?! Sidious: [sighing] Oh very well: yes, it all goes back to when my Master and I used midi-chlorians to create life. [to Anakin] That’d be you, son. Then, of course, I figured we’d better see to it that he spent his first several years with his mother on Tatooine, forming an attachment and also developing many feelings about slavery, both of which I could use to manipulate him later. Anakin: What. [Two Hours Pass] Sidious: …do you have any idea how expensive it is to pay for a custom-built clone army AND cover the cost of the upkeep on a massive droid army at the same time, and keep tabs on where all the money is going? And also how annoying it is to have to manage all that while having to continually meet with Anakin, and be forced to listen to him blather on about Senator Amidala or General Kenobi for hours at a time, nodding and pretending I gave a bantha’s hide about his feelings!? Force, there were a couple of rough years in there, but I persevered because I knew – I knew – I was nearly one-fifteenth of the way through my plan… [Another three hours. Most of the cast is sitting down on the floor now, and a couple people have nodded off.] Sidious: …I knew that I couldn’t trust Vader any further than I could throw him – or perhaps, any further than he could throw me – so I ensured that, upon being thrown into the abyss, I would be able to keep myself from dying. [smirks] Yes, that’s right, Anakin, I did always know how to do it, I just wasn’t going to tell you… [Two more hours] Sidious: …Captain Solo would of course marry General Organa, and their birth control would fail at a precise, critical point in history, due to defective pharmaceuticals I had queued up to be released to market years before… [Two hours later] Sidious: …directed Supreme Leader Snoke to begin following the young Ben Solo on Twitter, knowing that he would be entirely impressed with Snoke’s – my – takes on democracy… [Three more hours later] Sidious: …thus leaving the New Republic in shambles. Then, of course, it would be only a matter of time before Luke would somewhat overcome his depression with the help of Master Yoda’s ghost, and die projecting himself across the galaxy in an attempt to stop Kylo and the First Order. [smirks] And then, and only then, would the time be right for my full return to the galactic stage. [cackles, shoots Force lightning into the air] Yoda: [scrubs his face with his hands] Rey: I…but how… Sidious: …did I know I could pull it off? My dear girl, it was all too easy. This galaxy is remarkably predictable. And not especially bright. And very easily confused. Especially the uh, male Skywalker contingent. [looks over at them pointedly] Luke: [building a daisy chain] Hmm? Anakin: [whispering, to Kylo] He’s talking about you. Obi-Wan: [facepalms]