(A Spin Off Of This Post. It Is Very Highly Recommended To Read It First If You Haven't Already)

Bruce’s fave pastime is seeing Hal make a fool of himself. Clark is not behind it

draco malfoy being draco malfoy

“if you’re going to get in trouble for hitting someone, might as well hit them hard.”

“he’s got a stick so far up his arse you can see it when he yawns.”

“explain, and do it carefully or you might find yourself being throttled to death.”

“i always have a note in my pocket saying ‘harry did it’ just in case i get murdered because i don’t want him to remarry.”

“i’m a demanding lover, potter. i require care and attention 24/7.”

“THAT’S THE PROBLEM, PANSY. MY EMOTIONAL BARRIERS ARE DOWN, AND I’D LIKE THEM BACK UP THANK YOU VERY MUCH.”

“i would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

“i could devour a whole bowl of alphabet soup and spit out a better statement than that.”

“my moral compass is a fucking roulette wheel, thank you.”

“harry, love, do these trousers make my arse look big?”

“i want to see things from your point of view, but i can’t get my head that far up my arse.”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T WEAR THESE TO WORK? I LOOK FUCKING BEAUTIFUL IN IT!”

“sorry, pans, i’m busy today. i have a mental breakdown scheduled at five.”

“it’s pointless to make fun of you ‘cause it would take the rest of the fucking day for you to figure it out.”

“i totally have a bigger arse than you do.”

“pansy, hold my earrings for me. i have a bitch’s body to hide.”

“a single walk in the woods for me is so relaxing. the fact that i’m dragging a dead body should be irrelevant.”

“get out, blaise. potter and i are going to have sex.”

“did you just say my fucking hair is bleached? honey, do you think bleach would ever produce such fine and silver blond hair like this? yes, that’s right, back away bitch.”

“harryyyy i neeeeed atteeentiooon”

“i love you too. what? no. i said you smell like a shoe. idiot.”

“whoa, it smells like bitch in here.”

“I DO NOT NEED READING GLASSES! MY VISION IS PERFECTLY FINE, THANK YOU.”

“wanna check out my peacock army at home?”

“pff, what makes you think i sleep with a stuffed lion? that’s a lie. you … you have a picture? can i … can i see?”

“i like being organised but i’M TOO LAZY TO BE ORGANISED”

“ME? BECOME A POTTER? I DON’T … actually, draco potter doesn’t sound too bad. where are the marriage papers?”

“please, i’m too classy to top. have you seen me? i have an aristocratic face, and this phenomenal arse. power bottom it is.”

“sweat? me, sweat? i don’t sweat. it’s disgusting, so i don’t do it.”

“i am the prince of destruction, death and … yeah, i’m a cuddler.”

“i do not blush. that is undignified and—POTTER AND I WEREN’T SPOONING!”

“if you win this match, potter, you can do whatever you want to me. are you daft? yes, i said whatever you … what? you want me to spend a night with you?”

“to be fair, professor, i’m not the one who decided to maul my own neck with hickeys. blame potter.”

“YES PANSY SHUT UP I HAD A CRUSH ON VIKTOR FUCKING KRUM ONCE BUT THAT WAS ONE TIME!”

“harry! harry! HARRY! do i look pretty?”

“pans, i need you to tell me your embarrassing sex stories so i can forget last night when harry stared at me and i waved.”

“FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, I DO NOT NEED READING GLASSES!”

after getting fed up of hearing sokka gently implore zuko to consider “using logic and reason to solve his problems” for the umpteenth time, zuko decides that instead of actually giving serious consideration to this all but impossible advice, he will simply name his swords Logic and Reason, and that’s that problem solved. sokka’s only response is to roll his eyes and deadpan, “wow, I bet you think you’re very clever.”

of course, zuko does think he’s very clever, and so he brags about it in a letter to katara, who finds it equally hilarious. and when the time comes for sokka to make the same plea to katara (which doesn’t take long, mind you) she just says, “but I already do solve all my problems with logic and reason,” and holds up two fists. sokka is even less impressed the second time around, because it’s not even an original joke.

and then suki gets involved. meet her fans, Logic and Reason. and toph’s two giant boulders, which, when she crushes them together, create the center at which ideas meet. not to mention mai’s knives, among which are Thinking Things Through, Rationality, and Common Sense.

it is one day that azula laments that she wishes people would employ logic & reason more often and sokka, sick to death of this joke that was barely funny the first time, goes “oh, let me guess, they’re these two giant bodyguards who shoot lava out of their hands.” and azula’s just like “no wtf??? it’s the process of using critical thinking to make decisions????”

sokka’s like “really?? it’s not the tiny knives in your hair or various poisons or anything like that???” and azula seems genuinely concerned that he’s hit his head on a very hard surface. at which point sokka must acquiesce to the fact that azula might be his sole ally in this matter, which truly defies all logic and reason.

I’m not just pretty, no, I’m pretty damn good

-A love song to Anakin Skywalkers flaws-

Did you know that humans are 99% empty space? He was not. The universe filled him up until he could hold no more and then told him to let it out until planets crumbled to his rule and people fell to their knees begging for mercy. His mother taught him to be kind and look down when they speak to you and never ever talk back. Don’t say no and you might survive, and if they want you to leave do so, but never keep yourself in the dark.

Find a way to leave if you can, if you can’t find a way to make sure you’re irreplaceable to those who feed you and clothe you. Ensure your worth and always keep the profit up. His momma had pearlescent eyes and his dad didn’t exist. His presence set alarms off to anyone who would dare listen to the warnings. Such a pity none did. He rescued thousands in his spare time, ensuring none would need to do what he did in order to survive. He dreamt of planets dying and stars going supernova until the images were imprinted onto the backs of his eyelids and his eyes glowed with their dying vicious light.

Blot the blood from his wounds and mould himself to their expectations, just to keep living. His precious hope of freedom, a flighty thing that came and went with the stiff emotions of those around him. Sickly children screamed in the edges of his vision and when he turned to help they were gone. Blundering his way through life he sought help until the one he trusted most was a woman with the makings of a queen, stuck in the body of a child. Bonds forged by steel and grit-- never meant to break, but all good things must come to an end. So when the monster came, he broke and she fell with him. Never his intention but always doomed to happen.

|How do you keep someone from falling when the ground was never stable to begin with? The trick is that you don’t. You fall with them, and then at least you won’t worry for their survival. You’ll either know, or you’ll be dead.|

His thoughts were an unsung melody of heartbreak and survival. He ran faster and faster away from the grasping, reaching hands of the darkness and still couldn’t run fast enough. Why does the universe punish those who wish to help, it is a fickle being, forcing those with too-big hearts and too-soft souls to love and love and love and love until they could help no more and then drown them in its terrifyingly harsh waters. Cold water and higher tides make not a good world to live in, but the world never claimed to be good or kind. Only eternally damning. Songs of the dead hummed in his ears until he was deaf and the sun blinded him until the only faults he could see weren't his own, only others.

The monsters that lurked in the dark saw this, and cried out in glee. This is what they wanted, why wouldn’t they? He could bring trillions to their knees with only a snap of his fingers, and there was no greater prize to them than this.

The fact that Snape is one of the youngest if not THE youngest professor is fucking hilarious.

Midtown decides to throw a talent show, and Tony tries to talk Peter into participating.

Tony: You can dance! I’ve seen you groovin’ before and you’ve got talent, kid.

Peter: First of all, don’t say “groovin’” - it makes you sound ancient. Second of all, my single only talent is the ability to cry on the spot. Watch.

Peter, thinking about those sad animal shelter commercials: *bursts into tears*

Tony, alarmed: Are you fucking okay?

Okay, so like, instead of that incredibly OOC for everyone involved piece of shit Battle for the Cowl storyline, what SHOULD have happened in my EXPERT opinion is they all start fighting for it, whatever, fine, but then Dick is like, fuck it, who even cares, let’s just all be Batman. Except for Damian, because you’re short and wee so you’re stuck with Robin, sorry kiddo.

To which Damian, naturally, would snarl: How DARE you, Grayson, I AM THE blah blah blah, but then everyone points out that the Robin costumes are literally the only ones that fit him and its not like he knows how to sew, and he’s welcome to TRY threatening/blackmailing/bribing Alfred into making him a pint-sized Batman costume, but like……lol. Yeah. Sure.

And so Dick AND Jason AND Tim AND Cass because she exists, fuck you BftC, are ALL Batman. Yes, even Cass. Jason’s all, shouldn’t you call yourself Batwoman? And Cass just stares at him, dead-eye, and says I don’t want to. And I mean, nobody’s dumb enough to argue with Cass so its like alright, there are four Batmen now. Batmans? Whatever.

And it just confuses the ever loving FUCK out of the Gotham underworld and Rogues, because you’ve got a laughing Batman who freaking PUNS and a trigger-happy shooting Batman and a short Batman who talks and acts just like the real deal except WHY IS HE SO SHORT and a freakily silent Batman who just fucking APPEARS right next to your elbow more quiet and creepily than even the original one ever managed and two seconds later you’re down for the count and you don’t even know what the fuck just happened.

And in the dark, with them all dressed alike, crouching at just the right angles that its almost impossible to tell at a first glance how tall or built they each are, these four Batmen are just freaking EVERYWHERE and you run into one and its like gdi I’m so fucked but I gotta wait til they stand up or say something to figure out just HOW fucked I am cuz like, please let it be any of them but the Batman with guns and then its the freakily silent Batman and you’re like WAIT OH FUCK I CHANGED MY MIND GIMME THE SHOOTY BATMAN I WANT THE SHOOTY BATMAN!

And also, the only thing that’s ever really successfully bonded the Batkids in the past is the opportunity to fuck with people, so eventually, sometimes they start mixing it up and imitating each other’s styles just to REALLY mess with peoples’ heads, with Jason randomly cracking puns so they’re like oh phew, its the laughing Batman, and then Jason’s like LMFAO NOPE and whips out a grenade. And Dick actually CAN be quiet when he wants to, so he pretends to be the freakily silent Batman and just fucking APPEARS in a warehouse full of gunrunners and whispers “Boo” and then he just laughs his ass off when they all run screaming out the door, where Stabby Robin is waiting with his katana. 

And on and on it goes until nobody knows up from down or left from right and you’ve got guys just laying down their weapons and sobbing I give up, like just at the SIGHT of any of them, because they’re so fucking confused and they’re like, maybe I can at least spare myself the headache of trying to figure out who the hell I’m even dealing with this time, look, I’m fucked no matter what anyway so what’s even the point.

And then finally Bruce comes back ‘from the dead’ or whatever that was, I stopped paying attention, something something time travel bat god Darkseid omega energy blah blah who cares.

And he’s figuring Dick has been Batman while he’s gone so he starts trying to get all caught up based off that assumption and THAT goes off the fucking rails pretty damn quick, and eventually he’s just scrolling through files on the Batcomputer like….wut?

And that’s when the kids all roar back in from patrol on and in their varying Bat-vehicles, to the sight of their supposedly dead father, and they’re all like….wut?

And Bruce stares at four different Batman and a four foot Robin who’s basically 75% ominous scowl and 25% bladed weaponry, and he’s like….wut?

And then Alfred comes down the stairs into the Batcave and stops and stares and is like, oh, my word. Y’know, all British-ish and stuff.

And then there are five Batmen.

It does not get less confusing for Gotham after that. 

Han is all “there’s to much Vader in him,” without mentioning that there is too much Vader in Leia too. 

Like, Bail Organa, bless his poor poor soul, tried to politician the Vader out of her. He tried SO FUCKING HARD. 

But the fact that she abandoned politics to be a General in the Resistance says a lot about her similarities to Anakin Skywalker. 

Part 2! 

Part 1