I Love This, Definitely Going To Try This At Some Point

I love this, definitely going to try this at some point

Y/n at home alone.

*phone rings*

Y/n: Mr. Sexy's pizza, the special is sexeroni

Billy, as Ghostface: *watching her answer from the window* .....

Stu: *cackling up with laughter*

Billy: *dial tone*

dirty secret

ghostface!regulus black x reader

muggle!au and they are adults with jobs but let's pretend they are on holiday or something.

warnings: smut. sex. I will update it as I go down. dom! regulus and sub! reader. pre-existing consent, dirty talk on the phone, stalking, 'breaking in', knife play (it's fake), degradation and praise, a lil ass play, some spanking, over-stimulation, face-fucking, hair-yanking, reading links his body, face-sitting, and I think man-handling? squiriting.

(just as a pre-thing so I can get right into it, Regulus and the reader talked about her obsession and kink about being stalked and hunted by the killer, Ghostface; he is surprised but is willing to try anything. He refers to the reader as 'boyfriend', it's regulus, but idk thought it was hot.)

This might be the worst or best thing I've ever written.

4.1k words

~~~~~

The summer nights slowly turned into autumn breeze. I always liked having the door open, and the screen door closed when the autumn weather started in London.

It's a cloudy evening, but it still felt good enough to have the door open, I sat in my living room sipping on a cup of tea in my loungewear.

When the phone rang, I picked up the white home phone and held up to my ear.

"Black Residents," I say into the phone.

"Who is this?" A dark voice said over the phone, I don't recognize.

"Uh, who are you? You're the one who called me." I say into the phone, "No one there?" I say into the phone slamming onto the stand for it and not even a full minute later, it rings again.

"Hello?" I say again into the phone and I heard deep breathing.

"Guess I dialed the wrong number," The voice says with a breathy chuckle.

"So, why did you do it again," I say.

"To apologize of course,"

"Well, you're forgiven." I say to the disembodied voice, I go to hang up again, but I hear a sharp, "Wait!"

"Yes?"

"I want to talk to you," Says the deep voice; I could feel a shiver of interest go down my spine, "Don't you wanna talk to me?"

"I don't know who you are?"

"Is this too scary for you, talking to a stranger?" The stranger asks.

"I'm not scared," I say.

"I'd really like to get to know you." He says to me, but there is change in his voice, "When do you think your boufriend will be back."

"Who says I have a boyfriend?'

"Well, I've been watching your house for at least a day and a half and he hasn't been back."

"W-what?" I felt my chest heaving.

"Don't be scared, pretty thing." I could feel fear and pleasure both making themselves down my body, "I don't want to harm you, just want to talk, you look out breath, princess. How about you take a few deep brea-"

But out of instinct, I slam the phone down and get up to close the front door and lock it.

The ringing started again, it felt louder this time more ominous. It filled the whole house, I walk over to the phone.

"You listen to me, you slut; if you hang up this phone again, I will cut you come clit to brain" He groans into the phone, and I sit down on the coach, "Are you scared, now?"

"M-maybe?"

"I can see you shaking, sweetheart. Don't worry; I want to play a little game with you. Do you like games?"

I swaollowed the lump in my throat, "Yes,"

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, sir." I squicked out

"Good girl," He says into the phone, another deep breath, "God, I can practically smell your cunt from here. Are you dripping right now? Do you like being scared?"

"Yes, sir," I say, I stand up, putting the phone between my shoulder and chin to keep held upright,

"If you get these questions right, I'll let you touch yourself. Or maybe I'll have to give you a special gift. " I stood in front of my coach, in front of my back door, that is still wide open. I slowly take off my sweatpants.

"Oh, you're not wearing any panties." He says, and I turn around spanking my own ass as I pull the rest of my sweatpants off.

"I have the perfect view of your pretty pussy," He says, "I want you to sit on your couch with your feet up and knees spread, showing me how wet you are."

I did as he told me to do, I can't say no to a man on the phone watching me, I dipped my finger into my pussy.

"No!" He screamed, "Not until I tell you can, unless you want me to come in there, and cut that pretty finger off."

"What's the name of the girl who gets killed first in Scream?"

"Casey Becker,"

"That's my good whore," He says.

"Can I touch myself now?" I ask and he laughs.

"You have to answer all the of them silly girl," He says, but I could feel myself growing more needy as he talks into the phone.

"Okay, please," I whine into the phone.

"I can't believe this wet for a stranger on the phone, so pathetic, if you're pussy wasn't so pretty, I'd have to gut you for being so pathetic." He laughs into the phone as I let out another whine, "Tell me, what line did Jack Nicholson improve in The Shining."

"Here's Johnny," I say into the phoen breathlessly,

"Good, just one more question, and you get a special reward."

"What's the next question,"

"Sometimes, getting ahead of themselves, don't you think so, Angel?" The nickname made me moan into the phone.

"Please," Is all the words coming out of my mouth and he asked the last question, but I didn't even hear them, I was too focused on the pleasure.

"10," He started to count down, for me to answer the question.

"Wh-what was the question?" I asked again,

"Should have listened the first time; see you soon," The line disconnected, and I heard rustling outside, I heard the porch door swing open, and I close my knees together and sit up.

"Hey, there," Says the dark voice from the phone, and I nearly let out a scream, "Sh, don't scream, pretty thing." I could see the glimmer of the metal knife in his gloved hand, the plastic of his mask reflecting on the Halloween lights me and my boyfriend had put up, "Who told you you could move?" He asked me; he threw up the screen door and slammed the main door closed.

"Get up, now." I did as he told.

"Pretty fucking girl," He growls from underneath his mask, "You're perfect." He says, he lifts up the steel knife, and my eyes go down to it, "Do you know what this is?"

"A dagger," I replied, looking up at him, I wanted nothing more than Ghostface to manhandle me, to fuck me from behind, to put the knife against me.

He lifted up the knife and put it against my pudgy stomach, "You're smart girl, you know if I wanted," He moved the cold steel a little rougher against me, "I could get you right now and leave before your little boyfriend gets back, or maybe I'll hide in the closet for him and gut him too." I whimper and move ever slightly against the knife, and I feel the knife cut into my skin just a little, the sting making me moan.

"Oh, look at that." He lifts up the knife to his mask, and he takes off it off just enough to expose his mouth and he licks it over the dagger, and if I wasn't wet before I definitely am now, "God, you're so pathetic."

Tears are streaming done my face as he moves the knife around my boob, the cold steel pressing against my nipples, "You're a slut, getting so wet from a stranger who broke into your home. God, pathetic whores make me so horny. Do you want feel my cock?"

"Mhm," I say, looking up and nodding my head, and I moan as the knife rubs against my nipple,

"Be quiet," He warns; he grabs my hand and puts my hand on his rock-hard cock, "You know, I've been watching you for a while," He says, whispering into my ear, "I know how your boyfriend fucks you. I know he's too soft for you," His gloved hands are now twisting my nipples, the knife thrown on the coffee table with a large crash, "You want someone to be rough with you? Does he even make you cum? Be honest." My eyes are down looking at his hands, but they quickly move up, grabbing a hold of my hair and making him look at him.

"I asked you a question, Y/n."

"No, he doesn't." He makes a tsk tsk noise.

"Pretty girls deserved to cum; they deserved to be fucked how they want." I let out a moan and I could hear a chuckle.

"God, I love pinching your nipples. You've got such big titties." He says,

"Thank you,"

"Do you like a stranger playing with your nipples, whore?"

"Yes, Mister. Ghostface." I said, and I could feel the twitch in his cock at the name.

"Oh, fuck." He moaned, trying to hold back, taking a deep breath, and that's when he pushed his fingers inside my pussy, and I moaned loudly, "Shhh, you don't want the neightbors to hear do you? God, you're so fucking wet,"

"For you," I say.

"Shut the fuck up, whore. You don't get to talk, or I'll get my knife out." He turns me around, and he shoves his leathered fingers inside of me again, his rough thumb dragging circles.

"Keep quiet, little girl. You don't want the neighbors to tell your boyfriend about your stranger, do ya?:

I leaned forward against the sofa, "Answer me," He said, his hand coming off her clit, the soft fabric of his cloak against my bare back, his rough gloved hand going to my throat.

"No, I don't, Sir." His hand squeeze my throat, his breath againest my ear.

"Good fucking girl," He quickly moved away from my body, and his hand slapped my ass, "God, I love your ass. It's fucking perfect." I felt his hands go down my back to caress my ass; I felt teeth and salvia on my ass cheek. His hands spread my cheeks exposing myself to him.

"God, damn." I felt warm liquid hit my asshole and go to my clit, "I've been watching you for a week," He says, I hear the ripping off the Valco of his gloves, and I feel his thumb circle my asshole, and it goes down my vagina, "I've been dreaming about this sweet ass, jerking off to you from your window," His bare slender fingers are inside of my now while his still gloved still rubs my clit, a harsh breath comes in, "I saw you last night, you dirty girl, I watched you dip your fingers in this sweet pussy, you left the curtains open. Did you want me to see? Could you feel my eyes watching you? I could see you twist your pretty, perky nipples, biting those perfect lips of yours; I saw your eyes roll back in your head when you were cumming." I whined, letting out a whisper of 'please,' "I wonder what your pretty pussy tastes, but it feels amazing wrapped around my bare fingers. so, tight,"

"Your fingers feel so good," I moan out, I push my body agaienst his fingers wanting him to faster than his painfully slow pace.

"Hold still," He says to me, and he pushed his fingers deep inside me making a scissor movement, and I let out a loud moan.

"God, your moans are even better than I imagined. But remember, baby, you got to be quiet." I moaned, as his his finger on my clit went down harder and I let out a whine.

"Please, please, please." She says.

"What do you want? Tell me? Use your words, you pretty thing."

"Want-want to cum. Please, I'm so close. God, please, sir. Please." There's a low laugh; he pumps his fingers in faster and his thumb went around my clit in a delicate circle that felt delicious.

"cum on my fingers, pretty thing. I want to taste your cum on my fingers. Be my good girl."

"Yes, Mister. Ghostface. Yes, sir." With those words streaming out of my mouth, I felt the cord snap and the orgasm rolled over me, and I let out a low moan, shoving my face into the couch cushions.

I felt him put his hands around my waist and pull me to my knees in front of him, I watched as he pulled the mask just above his chin to expose his mouth, he pulls his fingers into his mouth sucks on them.

"You taste so fucking good," He says, I watch him lick his lips, I put my hand to his dick; it was hard as a rock inside of pants under his cloak.

"Someone is being needy," He says with a low chuckle; he takes his hands and rips the cloak off his body to reveal his pale skin, his happy trail on his stomach leading down to his v-line; I wanted to run my tongue down his lengthy body.

"You're drooling," Ghostface laughs as he rubs his thumb on my lip, and he grabs under my arms, lifting me up, his mask still pulled up enough for his lips to be out and he pulls me forward, yanking my head back, with a fistful of my hair, and I yelp as he sticks his tongue in my mouth, kissing me passionately.

"What do you want, baby?" He says, pulling away from me.

"I want to kiss and lick your body," I say with a blush, feeling dirty for saying this about a man I didn't even know.

"Don't get embarrassed now, doll." With a smirk on his pretty pink lips, he says, "Your body belongs to me, now and mine belongs to yours. Do what you like, dirty girl."

I kiss his lips again, my hands going around his torso, my clit still burning from pleasure from my orgasm but it's begging for another one.

"Don't forget who's in charge here," He says, his hands hard on jaw.

"You're in charge," I say, my eyes staring up into the black open spaces where his eyes are behind the permanent screaming mask. I go to his neck, place an open-mouth kiss on his neck, suck harshly, and I hear the low groan that comes out, his fingers kneading my asscheeks. As I went to his chest, leaving hickeys on his pecks and on his soft stomach. I go on my knees, I lick his v-line, lick on the belt holding up his dark jeans, and I let my hand move against his hard cock that is straining his jeans.

"May I?" I say looking up, my hand still going over the outline.

"Good girl, asking for permission first. Go on," He says, and I fumble with the belt, loosening and undoing it, and I pull down his jeans and his plaid boxers and his cock springing out.

He had such a pretty cock; the tip was as pink as his lips and he had a long vein twisting around it.

“Don’t be afraid, baby. It’s just a cock,” He says, he grabs my hair signally for me to suck, but I just pull my tongue out and drag it along the vein, I go to the tip and I lick around it, and I wrap my lips around the tip, and that’s when he thrusts inside my mouth hitting the back of my throat.

“God damn,” He moans out, and he holds my face now, and I look up at him and he thrusts himself inside my mouth again, and again, “Your mouth feels so good but I wonder what your pussy feels like,”

And he drags his cock out of me, steps out of his pants and he pulls up and throws me against the coach with my ass up, and he slams his hand down again.

“Don’t look back here,” He says and I do as he says and I just arch my back and this time, I feel his mouth against my pussy, and I see his mask on the floor but I don’t dare look at him scared that his tongue would stop and this slice of heaven I was in would stop.

His tongue goes in and out out of my tight hole, suddenly he stops, and she could feel his tongue going inside and out of her asshole, his fingers going to work still on her pussy, and the only sound in the room is the sound of my whines, thanking him for his tongue, and the slurps and sounds of my wet pussy.

His mouth went back to my tongue, “God, I need you to ride my face.” He put his hands on my hips, “Close your eyes,” He said and I did as he said, and I heard rustling, and I felt me moving. I opened my eyes, and I saw his cock standing up proud and tall as I sat on his face.

My clit on his strong chin, “ Move your hips, baby. Ride my face, like you’re going to ride my cock.”

“I want you inside of me,” I whine wanting nothing more than his cock inside of me but he shakes his head.

“Cum on my face, and then I’ll give you my cock.” He said and I did as he said, I bucked my hips across his face. His tongue entered my pussy as I rock harder against his face, I wanted to yank on his hair. I couldn’t see what color it was but I imagined it dark with curls falling down on his face.

God, I wanted to see his whole face. I wanted to see the killer I was currently riding on. I wanted to see more just his strong chin, his plump lips, I wanted to know this stranger.

I felt his hands on my hips pushing me down father onto his face that was hovering over.

“Are you close?” He hummed which made me let out a hiss of pleasure and I nodded.

“Yes.” I reply, and that’s when I felt a harsh suck to my clit made me recoil, but his hips keeping down, and his tongue going in and out of my hole and it switches between sucking and licking, and that’s when I felt a fiery release, my second orgasm hit me and I moaned loudly but that;s what earned me a harsh slap on my ass.

“You’re going to leave a mark,” I warned him.

“Too fucking bad. I want you to keep me like a dirty secret.” He moves me off me and grabs his mask repositioning on his face and turns me to him, we were both now completely bare, naked with each other beside the mask covering his identity, “I want you to have to hide your body because of how ashamed you are of fucking a killer, because you fucked a stranger over your boyfriend.” His hands went down my body, his cock making contact with my thigh as his.

His hands went to my shoulders, his index and pointer finger smooth across my skin leaving a lane of fire on me as he went down, I could feel the ache of my clit but I didn’t care, I wanted him inside of me, I wanted to feel him, and I wanted to be consumed with just him.

“Can I ride your cock now?” I ask again looking up into the darkness where his eyes were, and he nods.

And he gets up on the coach, and he pulls me up there with me, his knife in his hand, “Get on with it,” He says, almost with a bored tone and I pout as I climb on his lap.

“Look more happy baby, you get what you want now, right? My cock.” He says, he puts the cold blade to my throat as I sit on him, I could feel my pussy stretch to the size of his cock, and I bottomed out, my pussy is slick from my two previous orgasm and the burn of my clit between my legs.

“Move,” He says, the knife to my throat as I start to move up and down on his cock, his other hand went to my hip helping me with my movements, the knife only made me more wet, the danger of it all, in one moment he could slice my throat.

I try to go faster but he didn’t let me, only letting me move at agonist pace, and I could feel his cock squirm inside of me and the low groans he tried to keep in were seeping out of his mask.

“God, you feel good, mister. Ghostface.” I say, I put my hand on his shoulder, and I could feel his hair against my fingers and I wanted to grab a fistful, and yank on it as I rode him, but he moved the knife closer to my throat.

“Fuck me like it’s the last think you’ll do,” He says in a nearly threatening tone, and he moves his hand from my waist, and I put my other hand on his shoulders and I lift myself off his cock and slam myself back on it, and I did it again, and then I thrust myself on his cock, and I could hear his moans.

“God fucking-” He hisses, and that’s when he grabs a fistful of my hair, and my motions comes to a stop and now his hips were the ones going up and down, he held my waist with other hands, and I could feel his cock go up an down inside of me, his balls slapping against my ass, I thrust my hips as he fucks me this way, and I stick my hand in between playing with my clit.

I could feel the pain of another orgasm coming, “I’m gonna cum.” I warn him and he shrugs.

“Do it,” were his only words and that’s the only thing I needed and I came, collapsing on top of him. My record was three, anymore and I becoming a braindead fuck doll as my boyfriend call me.

“Come on, I know you got at least two more in you, doll.” His voice darkened at the nickname like he knew what I was thinking and I heard his chuckle, “Come on, you’re not stupid.” He says, and I felt his lips move against my head through the mask, such an odd feeling of the fabric on my bare skin.

His cock started thrusting inside of me, “Get on your back, you stupid slut.” He said and I did as he told, limping over onto my back, and that’s when he pulled me to the edge of the coach, spreading my legs apart, and putting his cock inside of me, his hand went out my nipples, playing and twisting with them.

I just let my moans out, letting the whispers of please, and felt good just mumbling and not even being able to form a sentence, just letting myself come to the pleasure of the cock of the Mister. Ghostface in front of me. I put my hand out and started to play with his balls.

“You’re such a dumb slut, just want my cum, don’t you.”

“Yes, please.” I say with a nodd.

“You know what I want?” I look up at him.

“I want you to cum two more times,” And I nodd.

“Tell me what you want,” He asks me and I grab his hand that is on one of my legs and move in between my legs and I moan as he starts to play with my clit, and he shoves his cock inside of me even harder.

“Faster,” I ask and he moves quickly inside and out of me, thrusting harder, and I feel the pain in my stomach, and I wrap my legs around his waist to push him closer to me and I moan loudly.

I felt a slap to my nipple, and a pinch of my clit, and a few sluts and I came again with no warning, but that’s when I felt like everywhere he was touching me was on fire.

He slapped my nipple again and twisted it, and I let out out moan and I could feel another orgasm bubbling inside of me as his thrusts became sloppy and his breathing became deeping and his moans come right after the other.

“I’m going to cum. Where do you want the cum?”

“Inside of me, please. Please, cum inside me.”

“I can do that, baby. Cum with me please?” He asks and I nodd, and I let out go, and everything felt it was escaping from inside me and it felt wet, the coach felt wet under my ass, and I could see water droplets on his body.

“Did I pee?” I ask and he shakes his head, pulling his face underneath the mask showing the beautiful face of Regulus Black.

“You're squirting,” He goes down and licks up the moisture on my thighs, “God, it tastes so good.”

“You did so good, baby,” I tell him, my hands going to his curls.

“It was very hot I have to admit, don;t think you’ve been that wet before.” He winks.

“Let’s go take a bath?” I ask and he nods, wrapping an arm around me and he takes me to the bathroom.

270 notes View Post

famouscrusadeluminary

6 months ago

Sigh looks like I'm going to have to burn my ex's house down...again...

Ghost: Fitness tip: never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why not keep going? Why not 9? Why not 10? Strive for greatness.

Ghost: Next time you’re working out do 15 push ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat a whole cake instead of just a slice. Burn your ex’s house down. You can do it. I believe in you.

Soap: There were so many mixed messages in that I can’t-

1K notes View Post

famouscrusadeluminary

6 months ago

CAPTAIN PRICE AND THE CHIPMUNKS!!!🩵

This... Is so cursed 🤣

2K notes View Post

famouscrusadeluminary

6 months ago

I don't know what I read, but I love it and I want 20 more, please and thank you.

Living with a gangster

Mafia man x Gn!Reader

Summary: moments in your life when your weirdo of a boyfriend gets you both in the most randomness possible scenarios. You love him though

a/n: ummm ummm writing for now bc my Apple Pencil broke so yeah!!

You’re on the couch, unwinding after a long day. The soft hum of the TV fills the room as you kick your feet up, enjoying a rare moment of peace. That peace shatters the moment your boyfriend walks through the door, looking like he’s been through hell and back.

There’s even stains on his white pants. Gross.

Bruised, bloodied, and entirely too proud of himself, he barges in with a grin plastered on his face. “I brought you something,” he says, and there’s a certain cockiness in his voice that you’ve come to expect from him.

You turn to look, already knowing whatever he’s holding will be ridiculous. “What is it?”

You ask, trying to suppress the exhaustion from your voice.

With a flourish, he reveals a ragged, battered stuffed bear. Its fur is matted, and there’s a stain that could be blood—or maybe it’s just the bear’s battle scars. One of its eyes is hanging by a single thread.

“A battle bear,” he announces proudly.

You stare at it for a beat. “A what?”

“A battle bear. I had to fight a bunch of idiots to get it. It was a whole ordeal, but I thought you’d want it.”

You blink, deadpan. “So you got into a fight for a stuffed animal?”

“Yup,” he says, a little too smug for someone who just looked like they were hit by a bus. “It’s yours now. For protection, obviously. You’ll be safe with this thing. Like a bodyguard, but fluffier.”

You glance from him to the bear. “This thing looks like it’s seen better days. What kind of fight were you in?”

“It’s fine. Just a little blood. Nothing serious,” he assures, his grin widening. “So? Do you love it?”

You pause, still eyeing the mangled bear. “Sure, I guess. I don’t know if it’ll protect me, though. It looks like it’s seen as much action as you.”

He flops onto the couch next to you, snatching up the bear. “It’s a symbol of my dedication. Don’t downplay it.”

“You could do anything with it cry with it, cuddle, feed it, maybe even tell it about how much you love!”

“Nice try.” It’s just a thought but you are thinking he’s going to be the one to do those things.

It’s been a long day, and you were hoping for some peace. You’ve barely sat down on the couch when your boyfriend bursts in, completely out of nowhere, practically vibrating with excitement.

“I missed you!” he exclaims, then immediately starts some unholy combination of spinning, hopping, and awkward flailing. His hips are nowhere near Shakira’s level of shaking.

He’s rattling like a broken supermarket cart.

You stare at him, eyebrows raised. “What in the world are you doing?”

“This is my I missed you dance,” he says, spinning once again like he’s in some bizarre action movie. “It’s a tradition now. Every time I come home, I perform it to show my appreciation for you.”

You blink. “A dance?”

He nods, still twisting around, his limbs making chaotic, out-of-rhythm movements. “Yup! It’s a way of showing how much I care about you.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” you say dryly, eyes narrowing as you watch him crash into the coffee table, almost toppling over the lamp. You can’t help but let out a sigh. “Are you done yet?”

He doesn’t answer, too busy still trying to perfect whatever this is. His leg kicks too high and knocks into the side of the bookshelf. He spins again, only to hit his elbow on the doorframe.

“You’re really not helping your case here,” you mutter, leaning back. “How exactly am I supposed to take you seriously when you’re like this?”

With a grunt, he halts his movements, standing tall like he just finished a perfect performance. “I’m a dangerous man, babe. Nobody could top this move.”

You stare at him, deadpan. “You’re a mess.”

He grins like he won the lottery. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

You walk through the door after running a simple errand. But as soon as you step inside, you’re met with your boyfriend standing in the living room, hands on his hips, wearing a look of complete panic.

“Where have you been?” he demands, voice high and tight with concern. “I’ve been worried as shit.. Do you know how long it’s been? What if something happened to you? Like if a Mario cosplayer asked for your number? Or if my boss figures out we make passionate love in ghost face costumes?”

You stop dead in your tracks, surprised by the sudden wave of intensity. “I was gone for two hours. I was grocery shopping,” you say, already regretting not texting him sooner.

His expression doesn’t change. “Two hours? That’s two hours I had no idea where you were! You could’ve gotten hurt! Kidnapped! I could have sent the team after you!”

You blink, trying to process his frantic words. “It was just the store. I’m fine. I didn’t even leave the neighborhood.”

“But what if something happened?” He’s pacing now, completely ignoring the fact that you’ve been walking around the block for the last hour. “You could have been in danger, and I wouldn’t have even known! What if the old man that looks like Santa Claus down the steep seduced you?”

“What—“

“And was successful. Who am I to Santa? Nothing but a little elf whore…”

“Um.”

“Actually fuck Santa. He ain’t shit.”

“Okay.”

“Anyways, Do you want me to hire bodyguards?”

“I’m not a delicate flower,” you say, trying to stay calm. “You don’t have to act like I’m going to break if I leave for an hour.”

He stops pacing, suddenly pulling you into a tight hug, his arms firm but careful. “I know, I know. You once broke my back when we were roleplaying WWE. And in be—“

“Oi.”

“Besides! You’re my responsibility. I need you safe.”

You sigh, your annoyance melting away as his possessiveness becomes more endearing than aggravating. “You’re a freak, you know that?”

He smiles into your shoulder, his tone softened. “And you match it~”

You couldn’t deny that.

You’re lounging on the couch, scrolling through your phone, when you hear the front door open. Your boyfriend walks in, holding two absurdly oversized leather jackets with a grin that suggests he’s up to no good.

“Guess what I got!” he announces.

You glance at him, already sensing where this is going. “What now?”

“Matching jackets,” he says, looking far too pleased with himself for someone who just spent way too much money on something totally unnecessary.

You look at the jackets, confused. “Those things are huge. They’ll swallow me whole.”

“Nonsense!” He’s practically bouncing with excitement. “It’s part of the look. Look how badass we’ll look together. We’ll be like this power couple!”

You pull the jacket on, and it nearly engulfs you. You feel like you’re drowning in leather, and you can barely move your arms.

You glance at him. “This is a terrible idea. I can’t even lift my arms.”

He looks at you with a deadpan stare. “Exactly. That’s the point. We’re untouchable.”

You sigh, crossing your arms, trying not to let the ridiculousness of the situation break your composure. “You realize we’re going to look like two absolute try-hards?”

“Nope.”

He shrugs, unfazed. “I look hot. You look hot. Who cares about looking normal when you look cool?”

You snort, rolling your eyes. “We look like walking couches.”

It happens when you’re having an absolutely normal movie night. Popcorn, blankets, a chilled drink. Everything’s perfect. And then, in the middle of a dramatic scene, your boyfriend suddenly turns to you with a completely straight face.

“I killed someone today,” he says, his voice holding the same tone if he just did a wet fart. “45 years old. Kids. Pretty tragic, actually. But he had it coming. I mean he did—”

You freeze, popcorn halfway to your mouth. “Wait. What?”

He shrugs, clearly uninterested in your reaction. “Yeah, I mean, he was a threat. Had to be dealt with. He won’t be a problem anymore.”

“Are you… are you serious?” You blink rapidly, your mind struggling to catch up with what you just heard.

“Yeah, well, that’s gang life for you.” He leans back, popping a piece of popcorn in his mouth like he’s just told you about his day at the office. “It’s not all fun and games, y’know.”

You can’t form a coherent response, too shocked by the casual way he talks about murder. “You just… killed someone. And then sat down to watch a movie?”

He glances at you, unphased. “Yeah, and? We were supposed to watch this, right? Can we watch breaking bad next? Bald Walter is spank bank material.”

“Um ew.”

“Just don’t sweat the small stuff, babe.”

You stare at him in silence for a moment, the absurdity of the situation slowly sinking in. “You are the weirdest person I’ve ever met.”

“Thanks. I try.” He says it so casually, then immediately falls asleep like it’s just another day.

What the hell.

Jason with his time in the league of assassins

Talia walks into the small modest room where Jason is livening in while he gets back on his feet, having a bunch of brain functions recovered takes a while to get used to. he's been doing physical therapy and occupational therapy for the last couple months, his dexterity isn't exactly back yet.

Talia: Jason? what are you doing?

Jason: well there's this thing I always wanted to try called stop motion animation, and well you got some lego's for Dami but he's a bit too small for them so.. I took them and have been animating. I was bored in-between everything, you don't have any good books I haven't already read.

Talia: well that is an acceptable pass time, what are you making?

Jason: oh it's a weird comedy spoof for kids about batman and the joker being nemesis's, I wanted to make it for Dami since well he doesn't know much about him or the other ones and he's only 3 and well it doesn't seem like much but the time I'm done he'll be 5 and be able to enjoy it. i don't know talia I'm bored and want to make something for him.

Talia: very well, if you so wish. I can get some people in to help you make it if you wish.

Jason: really?

Talia: yes, I can. it does sound like a nice gift.

Jason: oh thank you!

Many months of therapy complete, he starts to retrain and regain all the fighting skills he lost and learn some new ones. in the meanwhile, Jason and 3 other people have been making a complete feature film for Damian who's just turned 4, they were about halfway done and it was looking good.

Talia: so how's it coming along?

Jason: it's been hard and hurts like a bitch, but I'm getting better at flips!

Talia: no. not that, I mean the movie?

Jason: oh it's halfway done! me and the one man and 2 women are doing great we reshot the opening, and we are more than 68% done! so it will be ready by Dami's birthday.

Talia: he will enjoy it I believe.

Jason: of course he would, it's his first ever kids movie!

Talia: why yes it is!

many many many more months pass and it becomes Dami's 5th birthday and Jason and his crew had wrapped up, the voice acting was done mostly by himself, and the crew but he asked some of the league for other voices. eventually after scoring and mixing they met the deadline. they set up the league theatre and put the movie on.

lego batman: [voice over] Black. All important movies start with a black screen... And music... Edgy, scary music that would make a parent or studio executive nervous... And logos... Really long and dramatic logos... Warner Bros. Why not "Warner Brothers"? I don't know... Hmm... Not sure what LOA does, but that logo is macho. I dig it... Okay. Get yourself ready for some... reading. "If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change. Hooo." No. I said that. Batman is very wise. I also have huge pecs and a nine-pack. Yeah, I've got an extra ab. Now, let's start the movie.

Dami: momma? what's the movie about?

talia: your father

lego Alfred Pennyworth: Were you looking at the old family pictures again?

lego Batman: At the what? The old family... Oh, yes! I see what you mean. Look at that! The old gang. Yeah. No, I wasn't.

lego Alfred Pennyworth: I see. Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in 2001 and 2006 and 2008 and 2005 and 1997 and 1995 and 1992 and 1989 and that weird one in 1999. Do you want to talk about how you're feeling right now?

lego Batman: I don't talks about feelings, Alfred. I don't have any, I've never seen one. I'm a night-stalking, crime-fighting vigilante, and a heavy metal rapping machine. I don't feel anything emotionally, except for rage. 24/7, 365, at a million percent. And if you think that there's something behind that, then you're crazy. Good night, Alfred.

lego Alfred Pennyworth: Sir, it's morning..

Talia: *laughs*

Dami: *chuckles*

Jason: *smiles with accomplishment*

lego Batman: [Batman's song] Who never skips leg day?

Chorus: Batman!

lego Batman: Who always pays their taxes?

lego Batman, Chorus: Not Batman!

Talia: *wails with laughter*

Dami: what are taxes?

Jason: you'll know when you get older don't worry about it

The lego Joker: Are you seriously saying there is nothing, nothing special about our relationship?

lego Batman: Whoa. Let me tell you something, J-bird. Batman doesn't do 'ships.

The lego Joker: [Confused] What?

lego Batman: As in "relationships." There is no "us." Batman and Joker are not a thing. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. You mean nothing to me. No one does.

Talia: that is your father's arch-nemesis the joker

Dami: oh okay

Jason: please kill him for me

dami: okay Jason, i will avagange, e-venge, avenge your honour!

Jason: you have no idea what that means to me buddy *wipes away a tear*

Lego Robin: My name's Richard Grayson, but all the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.

Lego Batman: Well, children can be cruel.

Jason: when I first heard dick's name I unironically thought everyone was just calling him a dickhead so much that the name dick stuck, but nope turns out it's short for Richard. he even changed his name to dick, I personally would never. but he pulls it off flawlessly. *chuckles*

talia: I did not know mr Grayson preferred to be called Dick.

Dami: who's dick then?

Jason: oh he's your older brother.

Lego Robin: What? [Sees Batcave]

Lego Robin: It's the Batcave! Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygooo-! [Bumps into Batman]

Lego Robin: Batman, woah!

Lego Batman: You're darn right, woah!

Lego Robin: Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement?

Lego Batman: No, Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic.

Talia: *DIES OF LAUGHTER* oh Jason this is amazing.

Jason: I wish to impress!

Lego Robin: Hey, I was thinking. If I'm gonna be a superhero, and go on awesome superhero missions like this one, can we use code names? Mine can be Robin.

Lego Batman: I'm sorry, say that again?

Lego Robin: Robin.

Lego Batman: As in the small, Midwestern frail bird?

Lego Robin: Yeah, and I already have a catch phrase. Tweet, tweet, on the street.

Lego Batman: Hard pass.

Lego Robin: And a song. [singing]

Lego Robin: Fly, Robin, fly.

Lego Batman: Harder pass.

dami: *laughs so hard he coughs*

talia: habbibi careful, don't laugh so hard you will hurt yourself

Jason: honestly yeah you can hurt yourself badly.

LegoRobin: Wow! Look, it's the Bat-Sub!

Lego Batman: Wait, don't touch that!

Lego Robin: Over there! It's the Bat-Space Shuttle!

Lego Batman: Please keep your hands off that.

Lego Robin: Look, it's the Bat-Zeppelin!

Lego Batman: Don't touch that, either!

Lego Robin: It's the Bat-Train!

Lego Batman: No!

Lego Robin: It's the Bat-Kayak!

Lego Batman: No!

Lego Robin: It's the Bat-Dune Buggy!

Lego Batman: No!

Lego Robin: It's the Bat... Shark Repellent?

Lego Batman: [pause] Uh, actually, you can touch that. It's completely useless.

Talia: shark repelent is actually a quite useful invention why is bruce beloved not recognising it's full potential?

Jason: keep watching

Dami: does father have all those things?

Jason: sure does!

Lego Batman: We are gonna steal the Phantom Zone projector from Superman.

Lego Robin: [frowns] Steal?

Lego Batman: Yeah. We have to right a wrong. And sometimes, in order to right a wrong, you have to do a wrong-right. Gandhi said that.

Lego Robin: Are we sure Gandhi said that?

Lego Batman: I'm paraphrasing.

Talia: *laughs*

Dami: *laughs so hard he starts coughing AGAIN*

Jason: ghandi so said that btw.

lego Jim Gordon: [sees Robin for the first time] Who is that?

lego Robin: Hi, police man!

lego Jim Gordon: Is that your son?

Lego Robin: Yes, I am!

Lego Batman: [laughs nervously] Is that my son? No, that's just weird.

Lego Jim Gordon: It's weirder if it's not your son.

Jason: this interaction is based off an actual interaction between jimmy and Dick.

[batman and robin arrive at the fortress of solitude]

lego Batman: Hey, kid!

lego Robin: Yes, sir?

lego Batman: You're super nimble, right?

lego Robin: I sure am!

lego Batman: And small?

lego Robin: Very.

lego Batman: And quiet?

lego Robin: [whispering] When I desire to be.

lego Batman: And 110% expendable?

lego Robin: I don't know what that means, but okay!

Jason: bruce really did not know how to deal with a 11 year old child hellbent on murdering a mob boss, so he kept bringing him along on incredibly dangerous missions, it was always fine in the end but this sort of situation happened once.

Talia: really?

Jason: the expendable part was from a wayne tech family event, and they crushed it. but dick had to sacrifice himself to help bruce win, it was so funny. I was there.

Lego Batman: White. All important movies end with a white screen.

Talia, jason, the other 70 league of assassin members and Damien break out into applause for the movie.

Jason: THANK YOU ALL, but special thanks to Gerald, and lily and Rin!!!! I WOULD HAVE NEVNER FINISHED IT WITHOUT YOU THANK YOUUUUUUU

the audience bursts into a large uproar of applause.

Prev | current | Next