fanboy-com

Latest Posts by fanboy-com

I love my friends but sometimes the shit they say it do make me so fucking mad or uncomfortable. Like I get that it was probably a joke but I'm not too accepting to those jokes rn especially with the way the responded when I said smt back. Like you can't be offended when I say that. Ugh. I want sleep.

I hate this place. I hate these people. I want blood. I want violence. I want shouting and aggression. I want them to hurt. I want everyone to scream. They all fucking deserve it. I hate them. How fucking dare these people treat me like this? They need to hurt. I want them gone. I am so done with people. I'm so done being nice and kind and sweet. I'm done being mature. Die. Hurt. Bleed. Cry. Give me the satisfaction of your suffering for what you've done to me. Every last one of them need to feel what I've felt. Every single person I know has hurt me in one way or another or simply pissed me off. The audacity. The fucking gull. Even my friends have pushed me around. I run around making everyone happy trying to please everyone and make sure everyone is comfortable, being mature and keeping myself hidden to make people happy. I'm done. Done. If I make you uncomfortable? Cry. I hurt you? Jump. I'm so tired of making the right choice. Kys. Slit your throat and die. I don't care. I've had enough. You all ALL have pushed me one too many times. You can swallow me then choke on your own pathetic mess of self. I am going to make everyone hate me and fear me because trying to make everyone love me is hell. Everything hurts because of everyone so it's only fair if I return the fucking favor. I want to see their hope dwindle in their eyes. I need them to hurt. God I want them to be knocked off their high horse and feel hopeless. I want them to realize how badly they have fucked me up.

It's not like I even hate her she's cool I think she's awesome. I hate this. I hate being like this. I don't like these feelings. I hate it. Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate.

I don't like him, so why am I jealous? He's not mine, why am I jealous? I am not single, why am I jealous? Fuck emotions.

Low key thinking I'm not ready for any relationship other than one with a therapist at this point. I need to get my shit together but y'know I have friends a boyfriend and a bunch of complicated feelings plus the burning want of affection. KMS istg.

not to keep harping on this but if you HATE shaving your body or any other part of your "beauty routine": stop doing it. just stop doing it, at least for a little while (maybe when you don't have a lot going on if that helps) and HONESTLY gauge how it makes you feel. is this feeling better or worse than the amount of time, stress, and money the routine takes? do YOU actually prefer how you looked before, or are you only worried about what others think? if you stopped doing the routine forever, could you find other ways to feel better about yourself with that energy?

when I was like 19 and the idea of not shaving my legs anymore first occurred to me (bc I had a Cool Progressive Boyfriend that Didn't Care) i just stopped and it was immediately like... a quantifiably large chunk of unnecessary anxiety just sloughed off my life forever. instantaneously I got rid a bunch of effort and stress I had been accepting as normal, and replaced it with more time to do what actually made me feel 'ready' in the morning, like hygiene, coffee, preparing for my activities etc.

and i DONT feel self conscious about body hair personally but even if I did, no amount of shame over hair could outweigh how much easier my life is. not just bc 'shaving annoying' or 'long showers' or whatever, but like. yeah I don't waste as much time getting ready anymore, and I also don't have to realize last minute before some leg-showing event that im unfit for display and have a whole self-esteem plummeting anxiety attack about whether I should rush it unsafely and risk being late, cut up, and stressed out before the event, or go With Hair and feel judged the whole time. i don't have to go through any of those emotions and when anyone does comment on my hair rudely, im in a much healthier place to deal with it and tell them to fuck off rather than validate THEIR fucked up standards by feeling bad.

once I realized I didn't give a shit and neither did anyone I cared about, it also gave me the freedom to cut out a bunch of other shit I was only doing (or Thinking I Should) bc it was what girls Have To Do to be presentable. fuck shaving fuck waxing fuck eyebrow shaping fuck concealer fuck multi step skincare fuck shapewear fuck lip fillers fuck contouring fuck teeth whitening fuck all of it, you do not need to change ANYTHING about how you look Every Single Day.

for those of you about to say "but I like being shaven/wearing makeup/literally pulling hair out of my face painfully every day etc etc etc":

have fun and mod your avatar all you want but for gods sake if you hate it and complain about how long it takes and all the stuff you "have" to buy or do just to "get ready" - you do not have to. you're not just having fun. you are not getting Ready, you are making your mood and experience worse for yourself, which is going to make you feel unready and unprepared for actually being yourself comfortably.

I have this strange yearning in my soul. Idk what it is or why I can't have it but I want it. I need it like the human body needs air and water. I'm starved, robbed, of it. It's hurting me, making me weak and pathetic. I want to carve my heart and make art with it to sooth my pain. I crave what I cannot have and I don't even know what it is.

Feelings and emotions are so abstract it feels like an illness to me. Only my emotions. I want them gone it would make life so much better. But I'd be so empty and dull. It's annoying. I want it dead, all of it, all of me. But not forever dead, just dead enough to reset. A reincarnation.

Someone make my brain normal pls

I hate emotions and feelings, I wish to be rid of those retched things. It's too confusing and time wasting.

I think after graduation I'ma keep a few things and sell/donate the rest and move somewhere and live by myself with a few visitors or smt.

I want to run away from everyone and everything and start new. I don't want to be burdened by this life. I want to be my own new thing. I want to be known by very few that already know me and I want to live in quiet solitude for awhile while I fix the mess I am in. Not isolated but not where I am. Just new. I need to be new in my own way.

s3xu@al assault really makes you feel like you’re only good for sex and sending nudes and that the only way to make things right with someone is letting them use your body huh hahahshhdbxnd

Dear Supporter,

I hope this message finds you and your family in good health and high spirits. My name is Rakan Zaqout from Gaza.🍉 I am reaching out to seek your urgent help in spreading the word about our fundraising campaign. I lost both my home and my school, my parents lost their jobs too, due to the ongoing genocide in Gaza and we are facing catastrophic living conditions.💔

I kindly ask you to visit our campaign. Your support, whether through donating or sharing, will help us reach more people who can make a difference. Thank you for your continued support for the Palestinian cause. Your dedication brings us closer to freedom.🕊

Please note, our campaign has been verified by 90-ghost and aces-and-angels.☑

I can't do much but post this so others can help

I am Dr. Imtithal, living in the besieged northern Gaza Strip. For 11 months, we have lost our lives. We have lost everything. I have lost my brother, my home, our money, our source of livelihood, my profession as a dentist, and all our memories. Our lives have become difficult. We cannot obtain the necessities of life, such as water, food, medicine, and shelter. We live a difficult life in a school as a shelter for us after we lost our home. We cannot obtain a clean life and we suffer from the spread of diseases. Every so often we are displaced. We cannot settle in a place because of the intensity of the bombing. I hope you can help me so that I can protect my family, which consists of 35 people, most of whom are children...

I don't know how to help, not can I because j have my own life issues to tend to but I will repost this so people can help.

Hello my dears! I am asking you to support my campaign to help me achieve my goal. I desperately need your support now to help my family survive and be safe. Gaza is a very dangerous place both in terms of livelihood and life. I need your financial support so that I can obtain the basic needs of my family until the Rafah crossing is reopened to transport my family to safety and peace. Please help a family survive through your small donations or through your contributions to others. Thank you very much for standing with the attendees

https://gofund.me/eb1d4499 please 🇵🇸

I can't do much but someone else can, I'll repost it.

I apologize for what I am going to say to you, but I have to. I am Ahmed from Gaza, married with two children. We live in the shadow of war and destruction. I lost my brother, my home, and most of my relatives. We have nothing left. I ask you to help, even a little, so that we can survive and protect my children. Any amount, even a small amount, will save our lives.

https://gofund.me/991535b1

I can't do much but I will post this in hopes someone can help my dear. May whatever you believe in be there for you my friend.

I just want a mom.

I love my boyfriend, I really do. He's probably the healthiest relationship I've had in my life too, but I just.

I'm a very private, introverted, and closed off person. I like my alone time, I don't talk often unless you get me started on things, and I typically don't like people. Tbh I have a hard time being nice to people, including people I love and like.

My boyfriend is very clingy, which is okay, but I don't want him to feel like I'm gonna leave him or get all sad because I want some time alone. Like we're always on call and it's kind of bothering me? Not because it's him, but because I'm technically not having full alone time. I feel guilty because I know he's a very clingy and lovey person, but I really can't be on call with someone for days on end. I love him, but God I need my space.

That and I also am starting to miss being single, because I didn't have to worry about talking to people about my games which usually are romance/character oriented. I feel guilty play these games I have loved for years and use as comfort because I have a boyfriend. Idk.

Like I don't want to leave him but I also can't be surrounded and loved on 24/7. It's not even like we are always talking on call either, it's just the fact I'm not alone that is bothering me sometimes. It's also not all the time that I'm annoyed I'm not alone, more often then not I'm happy to be around him and everything but like when I'm doing my thing and he calls me I get agitated.

It kind of reminds me of when you're doing something and someone interrupts you and you love them but now you're very upset.

Also I want us to take it slow because I do have commitment issues and attachment issues and it kind of feels like we're rushing it at the same time. Like yes, one day in far future I'll marry him (maybe, idk how life will go) but like rn can we just vibe?

I'm also feeling guilty cuz I am in the ace scale (not sure what ace I am but I know I'm ace) and he's a very sexual person while I'm very like. I use it to cope, like a bad coping skill and to deal with stress. Sexual things are kind of something I have a love hate relationship with? Cuz due to trauma I'm a hypersexual and I hate it because I kind of don't want to have sex ever. I mean imagination and fictional stuff I'm all for but I am very neutral and sometimes against doing stuff irl. He even thought that he wasn't satisfying my needs because my ace ass hasn't done anything sexual and honestly didn't want to.

Idk. I personally don't think I'm ready for a relationship at all, honestly I don't think I really need one. I think I'm fine being single and having friends (even though I honestly only have my best friend and a few online friends), a relationship is kind of my last priority. I feel a little bad for that mindset but I'm also borderline poor and have sever health issues plus a lot of trauma I went through recently so like ... Yeah. Don't get me wrong, I still love my boyfriend and I don't plan on leaving him unless he fucks up or I quite literally cannot handle it, I'm just kind of upset or smt?

Maybe I'm just not use to someone being so clingy or so lovey and stuff this early on. It's not bad, he's very sweet and everything, I just don't know if I can handle it. I can barely handle myself. I think maybe it's something wrong with me, maybe I'm just built wrong or something. I adore him but also ugh relationship. Maybe I just need my alone time back and I'll be good? Idk lmao.

I think I just need to make sure we slow down and go at my pace and let him know that I need my alone time and that, as much as I love him, the relationship isn't my highest priority. He's still a priority just not the highest one. I'm number one. So yeah. Idk.

thanks for being around, you're really cool as a matter of fact

Idk who you are but I appreciate this so much. Thank you anon <3

I'm posting this on my less active blog for my sanity and also for maybe less attention it something idk.

Tw for sexual assault and rape.

Don't read past if those can trigger you or you just don't wanna read it. If you do thank you I think, idk how to feel about it all.

Anyways. I was raped last night but someone I consider my brother. For context I'm 17 the kid is 13-14. I won't go into detail for my own sanity but also because it's unnecessary. It happened at night, the two other kids were sleeping next to us, and I woke up to being assaulted. As the person I call mama #2 said I could have easily pushed him off or beat the fuck this kid. But I didn't. I woke up to it, which threw me very off guard. Not only that but I was molested as a child and raped 3 times before this, so I already have trauma surrounding this stuff. So when I woke I was specifically thrown back into the time I was 7. I could tell the difference between the flashbacks and what was happening but I was still paralyzed. I wanted to cry or move or tell him to leave or something but I was stuck. So yeah. I was raped. The kid didn't mean it with malicious intent, he was just curious and fucked up big time. What he did was wrong but he's still a kid. So I have chosen to let his mom (mama #2) handle it. But now I fear I have lost another group of people I loved for speaking about it. Idk. I also feel extremely guilty because I have a boyfriend. He's already told me he still loves me and everything but I can't help but feel like I did something wrong. On top of that I am responding to this trauma with intrusive sexual thoughts. I want to throw up and carve my skin off or kill myself right now. But I won't. I understand that my body is coping, like I said I've been raped 3 times before this. I just idk. I need an outlet that I know can't really effect me and Tumblr is the best place I guess. Anyways. Yeah. Support victims and stay safe.

TW for idk depression or whatever.

I hate it. I hate all of it.

I crave connection, I grave love of all kinds, I want peace. I can't seem to have any of it. No matter how hard I try I can't feel romantic love, or even feel a real connection with people. The only time I get something close to that feeling is when I get attached to a piece of media.

I'm so alone but not in the sense that I don't have people in my life but in the sense that I don't have connection. It's like a prison and I can't escape it.

I feel like a monster in chains locked away in a deep dark pit of hell. Maybe I deserved it but I don't know. I just know that my emotions are so volatile that I hate it. I hate me. I hate everything about me, but I don't even know who me is. I hate the way my body is, more than just being trans but also because it's not what I want it to be. I hate my personality because I can't understand it. I hate myself because I don't understand it.

No mather how hard I try I always fall into something deeper then before. I hate it. I'm scared, tired, and fucking angry. So fucking scared and angry.

It's like a wild mutt that bites anything that comes near, threat or not.

I just want to stop. All of it. Just not exist. Not even die just, no existence. I shouldn't have been born, I shouldn't have survived my first attempt at 7, and I shouldn't be here. I should be gone. I shouldn't exist. I'm not built for anything that society sees and being human.

I want to go home. But what is home?

The worst part is I feel guilty for simply existing. Everything I do and feel and think is like a slap onto my mother's face. What's even worse is the fact a part of me still hates her.

It's horrible and I want it to end. I want it all to end. It's driving me crazy. I'm going fucking insane. It's a never ending cycle. It gets better and I think things are going okay and then one thing fucks it all up. Everything slams me down into the floor and I look like a fool. It's like the fucking universe wants me to continuously suffer.

I hate it when people tell me that it'll get better or when religious people try to tell me that I'm gods strongest soldier. I hate it when people tell me I'm strong and brave and all that bullshit. Cut the fucking crap, I know what I am. I'm a fucking shattered mess that's terrified and will cut anything without warning.

I'm mean. I'm scared. I'm tried. I'm bored. I'm empty. I'm nothing. I'm everything.

It's insanity. Just make it stop. Make it all stop. Please. I'm so tired. Let me disappear.

i would boop you more but it’s way past my bedtime and i have to wake up early 🤭

Get your beauty sleepy kitten whiskers, we can boop more tomorrow 🤘🏼😎 /silly /POS /p

WHAT’S UP BOOPTUAL???

OMG HI BABYGIIRRLLLLL

if you can’t eat a whole meal, eat half. you ate, that’s what is important.

if you can’t get out of bed, try and sit up instead of lying down. it’ll be better for your back and your blood pressure.

if you can’t shower or have a bath today, try and brush your teeth and clean your ears. it’ll keep you a little cleaner, and we often forget those areas. 

if you can’t get dressed today, change underwear and use some deoderant. it’ll leave you a little fresher until you have the strength to change fully.

and remember, i’m very proud of you. your best will look different every day, and that’s okay.

I think we're mutuals lol

Anyways the word I thought of was Ethereal.

@brontekotlcyan and I can't remember my other mutuals names help omfg 😭

Quick ! Think of a word you like ! 

Not necessarily your favorite word, it doesn’t even have to be a word you usually like ! Just a word that right now, at this moment, you look at and think “ooh what about this one”.

It can be a word you find funny, pretty, strange, pure, anything really ! You don’t need to tell me why you choose that word (though I’d love to know if you want to tell me), just give me a word ! 

(It’d be lovely if we made this into a chain but there’s no pressure <3)

oooh um MYTHIC

Yeah.

No pressure: @sleepinginmygrave @thespaceoddities @picklerab23 @hotdamnitsmoony @good-oldfashioned-lover-girl @her-midas-touch @daydream-of-a-wallflower @addsalwayssick @a-beautiful-fool @mxed-salad-greens @vintagetee13 @idk-what-to-put-here-123 and anyone else that wants to

I love this idea <3

😅 my thoughts about this man are very normal I promise !

Pleeeeeease request lucifer related art and I will (maybe) draw them

kotlc moodboards

okkkkk heres kotlc gang moodboards (like two for each cause two different sides of characters and stufff)

Sophie Foster

Biana Vacker

Fitz Vacker

Dex Dizznee

Keefe Sencen

Marella Redek

Linh Song

Tam Song

Maruca Chebota

Stina Heks

Rayni Aria

(if you want me to go more into detail for any of them lmk :])