Im Sure Someone Already Made A Post About It But I Came Across A Ublock Origin Add-on That Blacklists

i watched one (1) video on how to draw hands that changed my life forever. like. i can suddenly draw hands again

these were all drawn without reference btw. i can just. Understand Hands now (for the most part, im sure theres definitely inaccuracies). im a little baffled

something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.

not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.

you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.

but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.

you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.

but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you" that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.

you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.

you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?

you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.

you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!

you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"

This is the greatest thing ever

basically I think that if your protagonist doesn’t want to fuck someone so bad it makes them look stupid, then there probably isn’t enough energy in your story. “Fuck someone” isn’t literal btw—they can want to uncover the secrets of their parent’s death, they can want to prove their worth, they can want a donut from one particular bakery—it can be anything so long as they want it so bad that they’ll make decisions that make any sane person go “are you a moron??”, with little to no forethought, or even tons of forethought and this is still the option they chose. Because they want to fuck that thing so bad.

I found an extremely dope disability survival guide for those who are homebound, bedbound, in need of disability accommodations, or would otherwise like resources for how to manage your life as a disabled person. (Link is safe)

How to Get On

How to Get On

How to have a great, disabled life.

It has some great articles and resources and while written by people with ME/CFS, it keeps all disabilities in mind. A lot of it is specific to the USA but even if you're from somewhere else, there are many guides that can still help you. Some really good ones are:

How to live a great disabled life- A guide full of resources to make your life easier and probably the best place to start (including links to some of the below resources). Everything from applying for good quality affordable housing to getting free transportation, affordable medication, how to get enough food stamps, how to get a free phone that doesn't suck, how to find housemates and caregivers, how to be homebound, support groups and Facebook pages (including for specific illnesses), how to help with social change from home, and so many more.

Turning a "no" into a "yes"- A guide on what to say when denied for disability aid/accommodations of many types, particularly over the phone. "Never take no for an answer over the phone. If you have not been turned down in writing, you have not been turned down. Period."

How to be poor in America- A very expansive and helpful guide including things from a directory to find your nearest food bank to resources for getting free home modifications, how to get cheap or free eye and dental care, extremely cheap internet, and financial assistance with vet bills

How to be homebound- This is pretty helpful even if you're not homebound. It includes guides on how to save spoons, getting free and low cost transportation, disability resources in your area, home meals, how to have fun/keep busy while in bed, and a severe bedbound activity master list which includes a link to an audio version of the list on Soundcloud

Master List of Disability Accommodation Letters For Housing- Guides on how to request accommodations and housing as well as your rights, laws, and prewritten sample letters to help you get whatever you need. Includes information on how to request additional bedrooms, stop evictions, request meetings via phone, mail, and email if you can't in person, what you can do if a request is denied, and many other helpful guides

Special Laws to Help Domestic Violence Survivors (Vouchers & Low Income Housing)- Protections, laws, and housing rights for survivors of DV (any gender), and how to get support and protection under the VAWA laws to help you and/or loved ones receive housing and assistance

Dealing With Debt & Disability- Information to assist with debt including student loans, medical debt, how to deal with debt collectors as well as an article with a step by step guide that helped the author cut her overwhelming medical bills by 80%!

There are so many more articles, guides, and tools here that have helped a lot of people. And there are a lot of rights, resources, and protections that people don't know they have and guides that can help you manage your life as a disabled person regardless of income, energy levels, and other factors.

Please boost!

11/12/2022

I can't remember the last time I thought for myself. Isn't that odd?

I mean... the parts of me that are inhuman...

I don't know what to say right now.

I am realizing that I want to be human. I am thinking about how to pull these parts out of me. And, unfortunately, I am having to come to terms with the fact that not all of them have been created and implanted by cruel masters.

I haven't kept up with this blog because I'm ashamed--both by how much I have to say, and how little I have to say.

I haven't left my home. I haven't taken the road. I've grown more and more sickly and frail. My life is miserable.

I'm realizing why I don't want to go home to Jonathan.

It's because right now, I have space of my own to think. I can live in my own head. I have a family, even if they're cruel, even if I don't want to be around them. I have places to go every day. I have people that check in on me, talk to me. And yes, yes, I have Jonathan, and I love them.

But when I leave, I will have only Jonathan.

And, sometimes, Jonathan isn't good.

Sometimes, Jonathan does things that make me feel small. They're inconsiderate, and they're inattentive, and they throw fits when things don't go their way, or when they can't get what they want, and they can't function on their own.

This is not to say that Jonathan is cruel, or bad, or evil, or that I don't love them.

But I don't think I can go home to them while I'm still broken. I've been spending so long trying to just go out on my own, without thinking of the consequences, without trying to fix myself first.

I don't need to be fixed completely. But I need to know what I want. I need to think about the kind of person I want to be. I need to decide what I want for my life.

So, I'm going to make a list. Jonathan is going to be out with... what did I call him? Julian? They'll be out with Julian for a few days. I'm going to take that time to decide what I really want.

Major Arcana Inspired Character Asks

Leave a card in my inbox! 

The Fool: When has your character been excited to start a new journey? The Magician: How does your character unleash their creativity or resourcefulness? The High Priestess: When has trusting their instincts paid off for your character? The Empress: Who has been a positive female figure in your character’s life? The Emperor: Who has been a positive male figure in your character’s life? The Hierophant: Who has served as a mentor to your character? The Lovers: Which of your character’s relationships has been the most positive? (Romantic or otherwise) The Chariot: What goal is your character determined to reach? Strength: On what issue is your character persistent? The Hermit: Write about a time your character did some soul searching. What did they find? The Wheel of Fortune: What are your character’s proudest successes? Justice: When has your character felt satisfied with the conclusion to a major dispute or concern? The Hanged Man: When has your character needed to step back and look at things from a different perspective? Death: When has your character had to let go of something in their life? Temperance: How does your character balance their life? The Devil: Does your character ever neglect their wild side? The Tower: When has your character lost an ideal or relationship? The Star: When has your character been most hopeful? The Moon: When has your character’s path been unclear? The Sun: When does your character sit back and enjoy themselves? Judgment: Has your character ever been given a second chance? The World: When has one of your character’s dreams come true?

Bonus: Major Arcana in Reverse!

The Fool in Reverse: When has your character acted recklessly? The Magician in Reverse: When was your character manipulated? The High Priestess in Reverse: When has your character felt betrayed emotionally? The Empress in Reverse: When has your character felt dependent on another? The Emperor in Reverse: When is your character inflexible or stubborn? The Hierophant in Reverse: When has your character’s personal beliefs been challenged? The Lovers in Reverse:  When has your character experienced heartbreak? The Chariot in Reverse: When has your character’s pride or arrogance been their downfall? Strength in Reverse: What are your character’s doubts or insecurities? The Hermit in Reverse: When has your character felt the most alone? The Wheel of Fortune in Reverse: When has your character felt their life was no longer under their control? Justice in Reverse: When has your character been treated unfairly or cruelly? The Hanged Man in Reverse: When has your character tried to avoid making a major decision? Death in Reverse: When has your character tried to fight change? Temperance in Reverse: When has your character felt overwhelmed? The Devil in Reverse: When has your character suffered from refusing to break off an unhealthy relationship? The Tower in Reverse: When has your character’s actions led to disaster? The Star in Reverse: When has your character lost faith? The Moon in Reverse: When does your character mistrust their feelings or intuition? The Sun in Reverse: When does your character’s goal seem just out of reach? Judgment in Reverse: When has your character found it difficult to forgive themselves? The World in Reverse: What is your character holding back? 

People often say to me: “You draw like some kind of inhuman machine.  If I eat your brain, will I gain your power?”  The answer is yes, but there is another way. The key to precise drawing is building up muscle memory so that your arm/hand/fingers do the things you want them to do when you want them to do them.  Teaching yourself to draw a straight line or to make sweet curves is just a matter of practice and there are some exercises you can do to help improve. If you’re going to be doodling in class or during meetings anyway, why not put that time to good use?

09/28/2022

We have a tiny victory! I finally convinced my supervisor that I should be allowed to work from home while I am very ill.

I had some congee today--i'd made up a couple of onsen eggs and put them in a bowl to crack over it for breakfast, but apparently my sister thought I'd simply forgot to put them back in the carton. Unsure of which eggs were mine, I didn't take any, and she had a surprise when she tried to make french toast this morning. (Serves her right!)

My throat hurts less, which is good, but I'm coughing more, which is less good. My voice is even weaker than it was before.

Jonathan may need migraine glasses long-term. Their photophobia and migraines aren't going away. I've found a few that would be good, but I really need to get home to them soon. As soon as I'm better, I want to catch the next ticket to the road. I need to be in the best shape I can be, but I can't wait too long if it means the love of my life can't function.

They're so lonely without me. I miss them too. I want to be there. I need to be there. I'm so tired here.

As soon as I enter the road, I have 2 weeks to get to my destination or risk being lost forever. I can live that way, but I can't leave Jonathan on their own.

I can make it. I have to make it.