Rachel 🖤

Idk what jojo siwa is on but I need it

True. My eyes are very purple 💜 and I have absolutely no body hair anywhere. I am completely bare🧍‍♀️

fucked up that theyre advertising ball shaving kits on a website where a lot of the users dont grow body hair and have purple eyes

Art by Welder Wings.

A little over a year ago, December 27th, I met someone that changed me. We met on a dating app, and it just went downhill from there. Me being the person I am, I ignored the red flags because he was cute. He mentioned he'd be going to prison and wouldn't tell me why. I ignored it.

By February, I was trapped. I didn't realize it. I was pregnant. I knew that next morning. Sure enough, the test came back positive. I balled in my car. I aborted it and he guilted me. I would never have a baby with him. Ever.

He did and said things to me that will always linger. I didn't feel safe anymore, but I couldn't leave. He threatened me and my family. He knew where I lived and worked. I couldn't hide. He was taken March 24th. I couldn't escape, even when he was behind bars. My heart would drop whenever my phone rang. I cried after every call. I couldn't escape.

A part of me thought he wasn't really in prison. That he was just watching and testing me. That he was waiting outside my home or work, just watching me. I would sleep with my light on and cry into my pillow. I constantly checked the inmate roster and answered the phone calls. It helped put me at ease, seeing legal documentation of his imprisonment.

I lost people I considered my best friends because I was in danger and being controlled by him. My family helped me gain the courage to ignore his calls. I thought he would get the hint... but he called from June - October. On and off. I finally blocked him. I got a protection order on Halloween, and it was approved November 7th. I was finally free.

But he's always here. I dream about him. He's either really sweet and loving, or really scary and violent. I spiraled again today and did a record search of him, checked the roster, and reread the protection order. I stalked his family on social media. I couldn't see straight anymore and sunk into my bed. I couldn't breathe and every horrible thing started coming back. I felt everything again.

My little sister knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to hang out. She saved me and doesn't even know it.

I'm safe. I have loving people in my life. I lost people, but now I know who'll stay by my side, no matter how hard it gets. I know who to avoid and what to look out for. I'm stronger now and I'm proud of my past self for staying alive through all of it. She was so brave, even though she was always in pain and terrified.

I'm sorry I changed, but not really. I'm better now from it. I'll miss how open and happy I was, but I'm slowly coming back to my authentic self. I'm slowly healing and getting better.

Raji's, Hollywood, CA, US

February 15, 1990

kate bush christmas photoshoot by bernard fallon (1978)