SIMP

Growing old is when your fav sportsmen who used to tear each other's heads off started looking like they bout to start a boyband

Murray’s Garden

(all these bullocks came out when I was watching Clarkson's Farm so Cromlix team please send the legal documents to them)

Season 1 - Spring

(Tim Henmman narrator voice)

Andy Murray — former World No.1, three-time Grand Slam champion, two-times Olympic gold medalist, knight of the realm, and owner of at least one functioning metal hip — is now officially:

an ex-tennis player and full-time dad.

Yep.

These days, Andy’s biggest opponents are battles involve snails and slugs and children refusing to eat sad looking lettuce.

Welcome to Murray’s Garden — a delightfully chaotic show, slightly soggy patch of Scottish countryside where Andy and Kim Murray have taken over Cromlix, their boutique hotel-slash-restaurant-slash-sanity experiment, and decided: 

yes, let’s also get Andy into gardening. 

Episode 1: “How hard can it be?”

(Andy, stares down a courgette plant and start to talk to the camera)

“You’d think growing flowers and veggies would be relaxing. It’s not. It’s… stressful. There are slugs. So many slugs. And Kim keeps saying ‘the tomatoes are your responsibility now’, like I’ve somehow emotionally committed to them.”

Meanwhile, Kim is calmly running the hotel, managing chefs, and catching Andy every time he tries to sneak off to the golf course.

Andy, in a moment of misplaced ambition, tries to grow aubergines. No one knows why. Even he’s not sure.

“I just thought they looked cool. Turns out they’re just total greenhouse drama queens.”

They die. He mourns them briefly, then plants carrots out of their spite.

Episode 2: Customer service

Camera catches Andy trying not to react when a guest criticizes his “sad little garden: “Maybe you should stick to tennis, Andy.”

Andy mutters: “Thanks. Really helpful insight at this stage of my life.”

Later, he’s seen holding a droopy lettuce.

“Look at you. Rotting. Struggling.”

(Camera zooms in. They look… fine. Slightly unimpressed.)

“I think the veg can look sad. But honestly — who needs vegetables with feelings?”

Just then, a pair of hotel guests appear on the garden path. “Excuse me! Aren’t you that tennis chap? What’s your name… Tim?”

Andy: “…No.” (deadpan) “He cried less.”

Later, another guest asks if he’s “that gardener who looks like that tennis guy.”

Andy says yes.

He gets tipped £5.

Kim says “Don’t spend it all at once.”

Episode 3: Special guests

Late afternoon, Jamie brings a small table set with mismatched china, scones, clotted cream, and an alarmingly large pot of tea.  

They share tea. Andy sooths a bit after having sugar rush over scones with cream. “You ever notice gardening’s like tennis? You plant, practice, devote your time and emotion… and some muppet tramples it all.”

Jamie says “Sounds like you as a doubles partner.”

Andy: “F**k you.”

One day, post-Geneva Open. Andy is seen aggressively weeding.

In Cromlix driveway, a black car pulls up. Jelena, Tara, Stefan hop out the car, and a frankly overpacked suitcase with a tennis racket sticking out.

Andy, staring in slow horror as Stefan and Tara run toward him and jump on the lettuces.

Jelena and Kim chat and move to the Greenhouse for a drink. Andy keeps “gardening” but his eyes flick every time he hears Jelena say “Nole.” The kids are now running crazy in the fairy garden. 

Kim sips her wine calmly: “They haven’t spoken in person for weeks. But they have been ignoring each other on social media. That counts for something.”

Jelena shrugs “We just thought it would be… healing, to have a conversation here. Neutral ground. Leafy and low-stakes.”

Kim smiles: “It’s Cromlix, not Geneva.”

Later in the day, Stefan bounces around with a mini racket and ask to play with Andy. “Dad says I’ve got ready good footwork - better than you actually.”

Andy tries not to smile but failed: “You shouldn't listen to him. That’s a low bar. I’ve had surgery in most of those feet.”

Stefan runs around the net post, before hitting a Nadal-style forehand. Andy does a half-jump. Groans. Doesn’t reach it. “I am playing nice. I haven’t lobbed him yet.”

Andy gears up for a big return. He gives a big lob - Stefan reaches for a overhead - And he smashes the ball over the net!

Stefan runs to Andy and gives him an overnet hug: “I won! Can I tell my dad about this?”

“...Just don't mention me as ‘ex-coach.’”

Tara comes in with a wimbledon trophey made from garden tree sticks and flowers, and that melt everyone's heart.

Evening. The garden and tennis court are lit up with fairy lights. Kim and Jelena sit with beer in hands while Andy is trying to take six kids to bed. 

Kim's camera talk time:

“He’ll never say it on camera. He’ll never say it to me, probably. But he’s grieving. Not about the glory or the crowds. More like missing the roar, his identity, his relationships. 

Gardening forces him to slow down and sit with the loss. Forces him to let go — to weather, to worms, to kids. And that’s good for him.

But if you tell him I said that, he’ll deny it and go passive agressive weeding again.”

"He didn’t speak to Novak and avoid mentioning him for weeks. But I did catch him watering those carrots, right after Stefan texted him said Novak used to talk to his plants too. P.S: Andy has recently been told by Novak that plants can respond to emotions. He said he will critically test that theory.”

Hidden Camera: Andy talking to the carrots

(Soft Scottish folk music plays.)

“Great job. You’re brilliant. I believe in you. You’re not failures. You’re just… late bloomers. Like Dan Evans.”

roger got his hair luscious and revenge dress on to seduce a whole man today

When you've just announced your separation but you still look like a couple in every photo.

sorry for correctly perceiving him to be a man in love as if that's somehow my fault

#love is a touch but not yet a touch #sobbing #novandy

Novak half reaching out before remembering they don't do that at the moment 😭