He Just Can’t Stop Himself… Can He?

“But I have seen the best of you and the worst of you, and I choose both.”

— Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye (via purplebuddhaquotes)

““It’s sad” she said “what is?” He asked, “I mean, you ask someone about love and they tell you about heartbreak.””

—

I’m thinking of reasons why I liked you. It’s because I didn’t think bad about myself when I was talking to you, I didn’t have the urge to cut when I felt your touch on my skin, when I saw your smile and heard your laugh I felt like everything was going to be okay. You were the perfect distraction and now I have nothing…

~ via @missblack22

I wonder if this is common: As a kid I would lose all emotions for periods of weeks or even months, I would feel nothing and live as a zombie, it felt like nothing mattered and nothing could touch me. During these periods I had very little patience or consideration towards others, I would sometimes snap at people or fail to offer reassurance and comfort, and I’d feel incredibly guilty afterwards, but still couldn’t force myself to be kind and gentle at all times. I just wanted to be left alone and not hurt anyone. It would scare me, just how out of control everything was and how much I didn’t care, I would try to force myself to feel something, I would do dangerous things to myself to try and force a reaction, because it felt like I wasn’t a human being anymore, and as if I wasn’t even alive. I would eventually be able to snap out of these by sinking into fantasies and dreams of things that gave me hope, there wasn’t much but I wanted to stay human no matter what.

I understand today I had to be dissociated from my feelings to that degree to stay alive thru traumatic periods of my life. I have very little memories from these periods except occasional fear that I wouldn’t be able to come back to myself and feel things. Do you remember struggling with this? Is it more universal type of experience of childhood trauma?

i mean it’s not like i spend every hour consciously saying “i hate myself.” it’s just that when things go wrong my first response is “of course” “i deserve this” “this is because i suck.” if someone asked me “do you like who you are” i’d be stuck. i don’t feel like i’m 13 and emo anymore, but i kept the sidebangs. i feel weird saying things like “i’m a burden and waste of space” but i feel like that. just maybe not in those words. it’s just like i swell too big for the area. like i splash over the sides, a party foul, the spilled drink. i mean how extra would it be to say something like “i don’t like myself enough to keep living”. doesn’t that just cause other people pain. doesn’t that just make people worry. but on the other hand i’m stuck because i feel numb, vague, blurry. like i should evaporate. like i do nothing but cause people distress when i should be helping. like okay. i don’t hate hate myself. but if the car was coming i wouldn’t get out of the way in a hurry.

“sometimes I wonder how it would feel to break down. to grab things and smash them to pieces. to scream and show everything I feel inside on the outside instead. and I wonder if it would help. to let go like that. to say, fuck it, and not give a damn whether you’re locked away in some dingy asylum away from all things sane. when you have felt crazy for so long, you wonder why it should matter to finally stop pretending that you were ever okay that you were ever sane or normal that you were ever anything else at all. let. it. breathe. and let them lock you away. let them blot your name from the history books. to finally not exist… perhaps at last you’d feel something close to freedom.”

— broken thoughts

You know, Loki could have just told Thanos that he could go to Walmart and get the Space Stone for like $13…

Trauma things #73: You became a writer because no one listened.