Growing Up Neurodivergent Coupled With Abuse (mainly Emotional) Definitely Shaped The Way I See Myself

Gravity Falls Rant #1 Ft. The Pines twins! 😀😀😀😀 (They make me violently ill).

Thinking about the Pines twins is actually like chewing your way through wires only to see a guinea pig playset and more confusing wires. The somewhat beginning of their thirty year-long no-contact session was because of a book, a request, and a whole lot of longing. To Stan the book was partially what kept his brother from him besides himself and now it was all he had to bring his brother back. To Ford the book was the only way to save the world and he was entrusting it to his brother only to be let down. 

Growing up as the Pines twins was rough. Ford was a trophy for his father but people don't sit their trophies on the couch with them and talk to them like people. Trophies are made for polishing and shelves and a ton of showing off. And no matter how big the trophy is it isn't big enough or worth enough. Ford was smart. He knew he was smart but it wasn't enough. Because if it were enough he would already have the answers and already have solved the problem. He couldn't see himself as good enough so how could Stan be? This man, his brother, that his father, the person that made him the brainiac better brother saw as worse than him being good enough? No. No he loves Stan but no. How could Stan be? How could anyone be? Even when he saw Dipper as an apprentice, Dipper needed improving, Dipper needed to change parts of his mindset to become enough. Ford was ruined by his father and ruined by Bill and ruined by the shelf he was forced to sit on. He was selfish in his own way, he was more shiny golden plaque with a pencil behind his ear than man by the time Bill got to him wasn't he? He pushed his brother away before Bill. Yes, that's true. He doesn't trust people. Yes, that's also true. In his eyes he trusted his brother to save the world from his crazy evil ex 2d creep boyfriend that wants to destroy his dimension and plenty more where that came from. And because he trusted him it all went bad. He got trapped in a portal and the crook that did it to him stole his identity, his titles, his degrees, and scuffed it in the mud. There's no excusing what they both did to each other but there are causes and there are reactions. 

And when it comes to Stan yeah he's money crazy probably because his father messed him up too. The twins' father saw them as investments and money pouring into his pocket. Ford could buy him his ticket to retirement and own his own private bank with his smarts but what could Stan do? How much does being put out on the lawn with a for sale sign for only three bucks or more with your title being "other Stan" do to you? He needed money, he needed to become an investment somehow. Gambling for quick bucks? Yes, that's it! He was a dog but not man’s best friend. Maybe it would be enough but it would go on to haunt him for the rest of his life. By the time he came into money he had taken his brother's name, identity, house, and what else was left for him besides his mountain of debt? Who really made the money when his name wasn't his name, him or Ford? He needs a lot of cash to rebuild and fix up that portal anyways. Maybe his mother and the IRS agent could forgive what he's done, although his mother has always been an OG, enough to go to his fake funeral but could he forgive himself? Forgive himself for what he took and took and took and took? For what strange person he sees in the mirror with dimes between its teeth? 

And yes he's selfish and seemingly only does things for his own benefit but imagine being trusted by one person, his brother, and one person only to do something right. Their father trusted Stan alright but he only trusted him to screw up and be the "other brother" yes the second Stan, the never Ford Stan. Imagine being trusted for once, trusted, by someone to even save the world possibly. And instead of saving the world you accidentally push that person into a portal and don't see them for the next thirty years. How is Stan supposed to trust himself to do anything right for anyone after that? He's greedy, but is he greedy for wanting his brother back knowing he's the reason he wants him back in the first place? He knows he did wrong but he just wants his brother. The world has taken every bit of dignity he wishes he had but his brother has to be off limits! At least according to him, the self sabotaging screw up. The look Ford gives him sure makes him feel like he's a greedy screw up. He's wearing the skin of the person he lost because of his own actions who saw him as a con artist and the suit of the man that didn't want him from the get-go who saw him as a cheap one trick pony. 

When Ford saw his brother he saw his father. The person Stan and Ford were molded by and ruined by. This man was the wack job Bill probably wanted to turn him into meddling around up there. And he was wearing his name? Stan did a lot but to take Ford’s name? To turn Ford into this? Into what he was sculpted opposite from? Why? How? How could he forgive him for this after just getting out of the other dimension? He was a future hero! How could Stan make a future hero look so lame! And not only that, he'd remembered his brother being a loving but corny cheapskate with a sly tongue and a bit of scamming under his boots. Now that's the exact person he wants to get away from. Because that's who Bill was. Stan didn't want to be his father but maybe being his father would make him proud? Ford wanted to be good for their father. Maybe if Stan became their father Ford would turn to him and they could laugh for a while and only a while. Maybe that's a stretch but we can over-analyze and never stop with their dynamics. 

They both pushed the people they cared about away. And they both want things out of each other that in their minds they'll probably never get from a brick wall. They're both greedy for things they feel deep down they'll never reach because of what the people around them made them out to be. Stan, being greedy for money if that's all you know him for. And Ford being greedy for the role of hero.

When Bill tried to call Stan and tell him Ford was going to end his life and leave him all alone to his BS? And to say that Ford never loved him in Ford's own body? Ford felt his heart drop for a minute until he noticed that the message hadn't been sent. He has things against his brother but to tell him that? To tell him he never loved him? No. Bill taught him to trust no one and in the other dimension he might've tried to hammer it into his brain but he couldn't. There was a brother shaped hole where his heart was and his six fingers couldn't crack the code on how to get rid of it. To Ford his trust was his love. He loved his brother but could he trust his brother now? Could he trust anyone now? Who knows. It's all over and there's a boat to sail at the end of it all. With his brother.  

They're brothers. And it's messy but that's it. They're brothers. 

There's obviously so much you could say about what Bill did to Ford mentally and a lot about the positive aspects having their mother around and not just their father and yada yada their father isn't their only trauma but isn't the home where it all begins?

Anyways, thanks for coming to my TED talk!

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Shoutout to all the children of parents that are abusive one way or another that sat their parents down and watched a movie that was a clear plea for those parents to realize that you needed them to be more of a parent and not an abuser. Sorry if it failed and congrats if it changed something if anything. Y'all did a good job speaking out even if it wasn't your voice speaking!

Very late but that second to last paragraph is too relatable my gods. They really captured that dread and constant nerve of never actually being alone. Never having a single breath be without the anxiety of what could come if you fucked up or accidentally fell into the same room as a mind reader that somehow heard everything you were thinking and would relay it to whatever person you wanted to have hear it the least. This movie traumatized me in a good way.

Beau is Afraid is the movie I have been waiting for

!Spoilers Ahead! *LONG POST*

TW: Child Abuse, Gaslighting, Narcissistic Abuse, Strangulation, Discussions of Severe Anxiety

Like many people I knew Ari Aster as the guy who made Hereditary and Midsommar. Weird and trauma focused horror and that is definitely what Beau is Afraid is classified as, but it is nothing like his previous films.

To summarize, Beau is afraid starts off with Beau meeting his therapist (well it literally starts with Beau being born but i digress) and here we learn that Beau has a severe and crippling anxiety disorder. From the moment Beau starts talking about his mother I knew exactly what this movie was going to be about(though i don’t think anyone could guess the plot). We see that he is planning to visit his mother the next day because it’s the anniversary of his fathers death. Due to unforeseen circumstances Beau oversleeps and as he is rushing his keys get stolen out of his door along with his suitcase. Beau calls to tell his mom just wanting to tell her what’s happened and as she began to speak I got immediately triggered. You can see him sink into a shell of himself as she tries to make him feel guilty for thinking he should stay at home since someone has access to his apartment. She hangs up on him and Beau begins to lose it a little bit.

A lot of things domino fall and this leads to Beau getting locked out of his apartment (this also leads to the first time we see Beau experience something i’ve never seen so perfectly portrayed in a film. executive dysfunction. and it happens multiple times, he simply freezes in place even though he knows he should move. Part of it is definitely his anxiety as he is afraid to move because thats a decision and he doesn’t want the responsibility of what comes after a decision)and learning that his mother was killed by a falling chandelier. Then we see him get hit by a car. He ends up in the care of a family and long story short he has to run from them and ends up in the woods with a theatre troupe.

This is important because we learn that Beau’s biggest dream is to simply have a job and home of his own with a family that loves him. That’s his perfect future, but even as he’s seeing it playing out his kind can’t help but conjure up the worst case scenarios. We also see it repeated here that Beau can’t have kids because he can’t have sex because of a genetic heart murmur that killed his father. After Beau is separated from the theatre troupe he makes his way to his mothers house(though he should have been healing after being hit by a car and being stabbed his ONLY CONCERN was his mother not being humiliated by not being buried). When he sees her body he isn’t at peace yet but he lays down and gets his first night of good rest in days. When he wakes up he is greeted with his old friend Elaine who asked him to wait for her and he did. Long story short, Beau and her have sex. He is under the direct impression he is going to die when this happens.

But he doesn’t. However, Elaine does. He is rightfully terrified and cowers in fear until the music Elaine was playing suddenly shuts off and he looks up to find none other than his mother staring back at him. She faked her death to get him home and then tries to turn this on Beau saying he couldn’t wait for her to die, when Beau admits he knew she was alive because of the birthmark on the hands on the body. But she’s not done. Out of the shadows steps Beau’s therapist as his mother begins playing a recording of one of his sessions where Beau admits reluctantly that he felt his mothers love was conditional. Since he feels like he has nothing to lose he chooses to finally confront his mother about the dream he has where he sees an identical version of himself ask about his father because Beau isn’t brave enough and he asks where his father is.

His mother takes him to the attic from the dream and tells him to go up there telling him it wasn’t a dream, it was a memory. There Beau meets his twin brother and his father(it’s a lot more batshit than this but that’s the gist of it). He begs to go back down and his mother finally lets him and he LITERALLY KISSES HER LEGS telling her he’s sorry. But she’s still not done. She goes on a whole tirade about how her mother blamed her for her mothers mistakes completely missing how she’s doing the same to Beau. She continues to berate him until she finally says what she means. She hates Beau. And at that point Beau puts his hands around her throat, strangling her. He eventually comes to his senses and lets her go, shocked at his own actions, but the damage has been done, she collapses and dies.

Beau leaves the house the look of shock frozen on his face and he reaches a motorboat on his mothers private little beach. He starts the motor and begins to drive the boat towards a cavern. For the first time the whole movie Beau seems like he might no longer be afraid. Until the motor mysteriously sputters and here’s where shit gets VERY REAL. SERIOUSLY IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE GO WATCH IT BEFORE CONTINUING.

Beau is sitting in darkness for a few seconds and suddenly this cavern is flooded with light and he sees no, it’s not actually a cavern at all. It’s a stadium filled with people. They are all watching him. Through his (and the audiences) confusion a voice booms from a microphone. When Beau finds the source he is shocked to see that it is coming from a man on a mini stage high in the stadium sitting next to his mother. From a giant 4 sided jumbotron video plays of moments from Beau’s life dating back to when he was NINE. YEARS. OLD. All of of which is taken out of context. Beau’s only “defense” is a shitty lawyer who has yell because he wasn’t given a microphone and even when he is heard and things his lawyer says are reasonable his mothers lawyer simply writes it off and moves onto the next thing he’s “done wrong”. (To me this represents all of the times Beau tried to reason with his mother and make her see his side before he just had to succumb to her will for survival, because you can’t reason with a narcissist.) When his defense is literally thrown from his stage and dies on a steep rock Beau is left to defend himself. Through his anxiety and fear he still tries to make them see his side, but Beau is found to be guilty. He never really loved his mother, he was a manipulative child who took from her and never gave anything back.

As this is all coming to a close the motor on the boat begins to flame and the boat begins to sink. Beau is begging, pleading, screaming, for his mother as she watches him in distress. As the entire arena of people watches him struggling and does nothing. We can see the exact moment Beau succumbs to his fate, he says nothing and for the first time in the whole film his shoulders droop. All of his anxiety is gone. He knows his mother won’t help him, that no one will. And the look that crosses his face is one I understood so deeply. One of anger that he dedicated his life to this woman, one of realization that he couldn’t trust anyone, one of sadness that he was truly alone. And I relate to that so deeply.

I remember people talking about the relationship between Joy and Evelyn in Everything Everywhere All at Once and while I definitely relate to their story somewhat there was something missing and I didn’t know what it was until I saw Beau is Afraid.

On the one hand there’s the constant twisting of Beau’s actions that is particularly triggering to me. Him living in one of his mothers apartment buildings and using a card with her money is turned on him when for one thing the apartment is shitty and he is constantly in fear for his life. Number 2 the card was given to him by her to use, because Beau is literally agoraphobic because of HER ACTIONS. He can’t hold down a job even if he wanted to. His whole life is his therapist and his home. I find it so strange that mothers like this will stifle any interest their child has that falls outside of what they want for them and literally block them from opportunities to advance, but then get upset when their kids aren’t able to function on their own as adults.

But that’s not the main thing that stuck out to me and made me realize I had been carrying this massive weight with me I couldn’t explain.

This ever present fear I felt living with my mother that just never left. This feeling that she was always watching me even when I wasn’t with her and that I couldn’t trust anyone because they would turn them against me eventually. That I couldn’t say bad things about her because the words would find their way back to her. When I was actively going to therapy I would triple check my phone to make sure I didn’t accidentally dial her and she could every word I was saying. That’s how terrifying it feels and I’ve never seen that captured on screen. Tears were streaming down my face as I watched Beau’s cries be ignored and as people just let him die. In the silence of the theater I simply stared at the place Beau had been and thought “you have to leave, you have to get out.”

!End of Spoilers!

It’s a great movie and I think you should definitely go see it if you have 3 hours to spare. I’ve personally seen it twice and I relate so much to Beau it’s kinda scary. Sorry for this long post I wonder what anyone who saw it thinks though, i’d like to hear new perspectives. Now time to watch Queen Charlotte for something lighter 😭

It's a love hate relationship for me towards the fella, he was such a contradictory yet understandable person and as a neurodivergent person I found some serious similarities between him and people like me that fall under the category.

He wasn't some knight in shining armor but he is owed some due respect that I personally think The Great didn't do a good job at portraying even though they openly and I will admit pretty hilariously admit to not following the exact history as well as they could.

He had faults but it's important that people understand that neurodivergent people and royal who when where and whys have been demonized and negatively viewed throughout history. Especially to show favor and disfavor that would hopefully turn people's opinions willy nilly, Richard III of England is a good example of someone in history that was framed in bad light for political gain and what not.

We'll never really know because at the end of the day, he's dead and buried. But there's such an insane amount of assumptions around him that do more negative than positive when he himself didn't even want the title. There's always the annoying "They were a child" take but in his case, it's true. People's forget that most royals WERE young and if you haven't lived their life or a life similar you can't really understand the kind of damage someone takes going through some heavy weight like that and what all comes with it. He was orphaned too young and then brought up to be king of a country he didn't even want to commit to entirely. There's the theory that he was an age regressor and we can't really prove it but I think it has a fair standing. And if it isn't true, hey, adults can enjoy things people see as childish plenty.

It really sucks that in shows like The Great and so many more period dramas that the faces of historical figures are done such disservices by making them one dimensional people when there's too many dimensions to count. And besides, people sadly wouldn't be too interested in watching a show about a "Hideous" boy turned immature ruler along with his wife who was equally done as dirty as him and unprepared as him. Who's really good for a throne anyways?

Anyways, that's my rant and there's plenty I didn't cover and probably don't know anything about but it definitely rubbed me wrong that so many people don't actually look enough to scratch off the pure villain role he's been dealt.

Edited bit: He was a grown man yes again, there's no denying that. And I wouldn't even try to deny that.

Peter The Third of Russia, in my book, was somehow neurodiverse.

For the people who know him from the show ‘The Great,’ I do not like how that show portrayed him. From my research, he was less of an immature party boy, and more an awkward man who fully admitted he was not king material that happened to enjoy toys. Also, I could not find any reliable sources saying Peter abused animals, and, in fact, apparently some of the incidents described didn’t make a lot of sense when you look at the time period. (Pet bears were illegal in Russia when Peter supposedly shot his.)

Quick moral to the story: adults are allowed to own, collect, and play with toys, and still be mature people.

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Save my father 😭💔

I'm Omar, my father

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Hi Tumblr, here's recent art of my OC's Dawn and Silver! They're a bit quirky and they've been around for generations since they take incarnations but these two incarnations were supposed to be doing their hair before bed and instead got distracted messing around in each other's hair. 🤨🤨🤨🤨

They're my children and they're both as queer as me so please accept them someday, not sure how this algorithm is nowadays.

Bye now! 🤠🤠🤠🤠

beau is afraid is uncanny in separating who understands or has experienced cPTSD and who has not because those who have not think beau is just irrationally anxious and “too afraid to live his life”. meanwhile those with cPTSD are like um he actually was abused emotionally/mentally/physically (medications)/sexually/financially his entire life and has learned pattern recognition but go off i guess? like these are the same people who think once someone is 18 they have full control over their lives, so they don’t understand why disobeying a parent might result in homelessness which may result in disabling illness which may result in death lolol. they can’t put those chains together because they weren’t constantly abused and punished. they’re the same people who don’t get why gypsy rose didn’t just “tell the police” (even tho she did try that).

another scene i particularly liked was the mother screaming at beau for not making decisions. for needing clarity or asking questions. reminds me of my entire autistic childhood and adults yelling at me. still makes no sense.