I Felt That... Always An Option, Never A Priority...

“And then her heart changed, or at least she understood it; and the winter passed, and the sun shone upon her.”

— J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

Although we weren’t meant to be

Not yet, not this time

You were the one that saved me

From taking my own life.

That moment seemed lively

Under the stars and the moon

I felt relieved finally,

But it ended too soon.

And now I’m here

Months have passed

And it still feels real

Even though you left.

I’m not sad

I accepted it

Everything is set

Afterall, we’re kids.

But what have you done?

I changed that day

The feeling isn’t gone

It just fade.

Why am I thinking of you?

We’re on different paths

What we had is now blue

And that part of my soul is black.

Whatever happens

You come up in my mind.

It quickly flattens

Stays far behind.

Staring at the stars

Rewinding our foolish stories

Was it all false?

It only exists in movies.

When I felt like dying

You gave me that smile

Hugged me while crying

Knowing it takes time.

You listened with honesty

While I shared all that garbage

You didn’t think less of me

Unlocked my heart’s cage.

Then you made me tear up

It burned my cheeks

It could even fill a cup.

I was unable to speak.

You were committed

To another heart

I wasn’t uplifted

How I was before those scars.

It’s not fair

How you made me feel alive

Outside in the cold air

Now I’m completely deprived.

Saved me once

Hurt me forever

Like a dunce

Who’s not my lover

All I want

Is you in many ways

Firstly, to be gone

Secondly, to stay.

We never talk and it feels so shit,

Not if I could do a single thing.

I think about it every minute

But this is just a useless ticket.

This road won’t take us anywhere

And we’ll never be a pair

All I feel is pity,

And I can’t see through clearly.

Somehow everything reminds me of you

Songs, photos and views too.

Unable to kick you out of my mind

For me, you’re one of a kind.

In reality you’re just a person

Important for me, I know this for certain.

I shouldn’t keep my hopes high

Cause I know you’ll just make me cry.

Although it’s not your intention

You always get my attention.

You don’t do this on purpose

But I always and up nervous.

~J

Take away my feelings

Calming waves in the dark away from the world, just thoughts. Hitting the walls built for protection only leaving questions. Cold evening wind I’m begging: take away my feelings. Drown them as before I don’t care  what’s left anymore. The last hope I had died out right after we met. So please, I’m asking you desperately: Take away my feelings.

You were my last hope

And now there’s no way to cope.

I’m getting too low,

don’t want to take more.

This makes no sense,

As we’re just friends,

I might need new lens

as I don’t see through this mess.

That one hit hard tho

Excited for what?

Disappointment

Or love?

Not if it was real…

More like a thrill.

This is all so fake

Like the thought

Of living in peace

But still

I hope for something

That will never be clear.

Isn’t it obvious?

Aren’t you self-conscious?

Drowning in idealism

But need more realism.

Well, I just need to accept the fact that everyone’s disappointed in me, my best friend, my parents… And the one person I truly have feelings for doesn’t need me either. I just want to disappear.