Ionlyrunfromshame - I Saw A Dog Today

Let’s play a game called ignore all your responsibilities and then stress about how you’re ruining your own life! 

I Climbed the Gates of Heaven

A short poem written by me, loosely based off the concept from this piece of literature. 

                                  I Climbed the Gates of Heaven A white, soft light appears behind my eyelids. I open them slowly but the light gets no brighter. It is comforting and warm. The world comes into focus. Smiling people and joy. Reunions occur all around me. My grandparents are there, happy and young. They wrap me in a hug. But there is one face I don't see. I break from their embrace and call out. My voice is musical, beautiful. But it receives no reply. I run down the street, gold beneath my feet. But I don't take the time to admire it. There is a greater beauty in wait. My family calls after me, laughing. "What is the rush, my child?" But I don't turn back. When I reach it, it is huge, standing tall over everything. I cannot see the top from the ground. The pearl is cold to the touch but somehow still soft. Reaching out, I place my feet and pull myself up the bars. I hear them calling me. But I don't look back. I slip a couple times and almost fall. My muscles tired and aching. But I don't hesitate. When I at last reach the top, I swing my legs over and sit. The wails of the lonely reach my ears. The cries of the left behind. I climbed the gates of heaven. I descend slowly and the farther I go, the colder it gets. The bars become more solid, more unforgiving. I falter more often but I do not stop. At the bottom I am surrounded by thick fog. The air is stagnant yet harsh and I gasp loudly. But everything is muted here. I step around those howling by the entrance. Demanding admittance to where I have left. They have no eyes for me nor I for them. I call your name again but it is rough to my ears. I call louder, pushing my way into the fog. Like a whisper, I hear you call back. I am running now, falling often on the uneven ground. But I pick myself up, running faster. Pushed on by that whisper of you. The last time I fall I am caught by your arms. A white light emerges from where your hands touch mine. You are soft and warm. As I sigh out your name my voice is again musical. Your smile is radiant. The fog recedes in its wake. I climbed the gates of heaven. I climbed the gates of heaven, To be with you, Because you, Are all the heaven I need. 

secret lipstick

[images: four selfies of Auden in neat makeup with a wave of short blue hair and thick-framed glasses. two photos show a smirk and display of glittery magenta lipstick. the other two show a dark blue face mask with polar bear faces. they look mischievous.]

Happy 3rd Birthday to my main blog

I’m just  like my country; I’m young, scrappy, and hungry

-Hamilton

a small collection of canon facts about neurodivergent matt murdock

matt sleeps under a thick heavy blanket (deep pressure therapy) (netflix series)

matt sleeps in silk sheets because “cotton feels like sandpaper on [his] skin” (sensory processing) (netflix series)

matt’s costuming in the netflix series is specifically oriented towards texture, with his suits, ties, scarves, and other clothes all chosen to be interesting and comfortable texturally 

relatedly listen matt wears a compression shirt in the black vigilante costume on the show and that feels 100% to me like a piece of that

i also have a lot of very complicated things to say about matt’s glasses in comics and show, and i had a whole section on them in my paper, but like. the way he uses the glasses is very complex and engaging but maybe not relevant here

this is almost definitely just a superhero/comic book thing, but the fact that matt wears his costume under his other clothes at all times strikes me as a very autistic thing to do (all)

matt wearing his original costume UNDER his other costume strikes me as even more autistic just saying (vol. 4)

speaking of that new costume, the idea that someone tells him he needs to change his look and that he no longer has to wear a cowl and he responds by dramatically changing ever element of his appearance he can think of while still wearing his old costume underneath is just. yeah. (vol. 4)

matt is very sensitive to taste and texture of foods and has certain foods that he can’t comfortably eat (”oysters. a challenge, texturally”) (vol. 4)

matt goes into sensory overload that is NAMED as sensory overload- “What I wasn’t taking into account was maybe my greatest weakness: sensory overload. For me, [moving to San Francisco] is not just about warmer weather or navigating traffic. Because of my hypersenses, everything out here is new to me. But the human brain, no matter how smart, can only process so much data at any given time. The more there is to learn, the more difficult it is to maintain your normal level of concentration.” (vol. 4)

i’ve said this a lot but also even outside of sensory overload, just the way his brain processes sensory input and the amount of noise he has to wade through to get what he’s searching for is very very SPD

in some things he has to sleep in a sensory deprivation tank because it’s so much all the time 

matt continues to use his cane even after his identity is revealed, presumably because it is familiar to him, so that he doesn’t have to devote as much energy and concentration to orientation and mobility, and as a shortcut for communication (vol. 4)

matt gets sound and smell sensitive migraines (all)

matt hates crowds because of his heightened senses (all, but vol. 3)

matt has frequently gone manic in response to traumatic events in his life and has stayed manic for months on end (vol. 2 esp) 

matt also

matt is prone to episodes of paranoia and is especially susceptible to gaslighting (vol. 2, vol. 3 esp.) 

matt is incredibly self-destructive, especially in situations like when he believes foggy has died when he beats his fists bloody against the wall of his cell and has hallucinations (vol. 2)

Foggy: “Did he cure you of a lifetime of self-destructive depression?” (vol. 3)

Foggy: “You’re self-sabotaging. You’re not used to being this happy for this long, so you’re instinctively fighting the unfamiliar. I would invite you to consider that this is your depression lashing out. Being happy doesn’t fit the patterns it knows.” (vol. 4)

matt word-for-word canonically describes himself as having depression (vol. 4)

matt falls into specific behaviors in response to a depressive episode being triggered including a specific body position and apathy (after the accident, vol. 4 purple children)

also listen just this whole thing where matt doesn’t know how to fight against the weight and inertia of depression but as soon as the purple man calls on him to be afraid he’s like “that. that, i know how to fight.” (vol. 4)

also “Get up. You have momentum now. Don’t lose it. Don’t let the shadows pull you back in. Inertia is the enemy. Do something. Move. Move, Matthew.” (vol. 4)

actually just literally everything with the purple children, that’s all

matt is a massive fidgeter and fidgets extensively with the handle of his cane and makes those same gestures even when he’s not holding the cane (netflix series)

matt uses a script to approach situations, repeats even if the script is not 100% appropriate- “world on fire” for claire and foggy (netflix show), “i’m blind” in response to being questioned by police/media (vol. 2, 3), “i’m not daredevil” (vol. 3) 

fisk is so autistic-coded in the netflix series that many of the things that are parallels between fisk and matt are actually autistic-coded things 

matt wears huge ear protectors and a dust mask when sleeping in college to mitigate the sensory input of trying to sleep in a room shared with foggy (vol. 3) 

matt has super-extreme empathy levels for the people in hell’s kitchen, but is basically okay with crime happening as long as it occurs outside of his neighborhood (all, but shadowland esp.) 

“Matthew only had one love- Hell’s Kitchen. Its safety, its health. These are what he lived to protect.”

matt in general develops extremely close, strong connections with a very limited number of people, and generally only has a few close friends at a time (all)

because of his self-loathing and the degree to which he cares for these people, he strongly believes they would be better off without him

“I should live in a cave and have no friends.” 

matt is very skilled at scripted or arranged speaking (he’s amazing in the courtroom) but he is truly terrible at spoken, informal conversation (all, including netflix show) 

fun example: “Fun Daredevil fact: every single time Matt has to improv, he course-corrects by overacting.” (vol. 4)

matt is very resistant to telling other people his secrets, and naturally is inclined to keep his experiences to himself, not least because he is used to being forced to keep secrets and not having people around him who can relate to his experiences (all) 

matt’s emotionality is considered atypical given his circumstances 

foggy comments on this when matt is happy-go-lucky in vol. 3 

matt is so known for this that he’s literally called The Man Without Fear (it’s not that matt has no fear, it’s that he presents it and responds to it differently) 

this is very much working with parallels rather than with evidence but the way that matt uses alternate input to determine someone’s behavior and tone and to anticipate what they’re going to do next feels very much like the methods ND folks often develop in lieu of or in addition to NT social cues. it’s much more of a conscious effort, it’s far more intentional, it relies far less on traditional methods of determining someone’s intentions

this is made even more clear for me by the difficulty with which matt interprets these signals from other neurodivergent people who don’t match with what he’s expecting/used to interpreting 

he actually can’t tell if people are lying or not if they’re taking certain medications (this is from a comic i can’t remember what it is. um.)

matt has developed specific coping mechanisms and behaviors to respond to certain sensory input/pain/etc

“Three-hundred-some pulse rates just doubled. I can’t unhear them, so I use one of my mental exercises. I picture all those hearts as instruments in a giant orchestra.” 

meditation

“You don’t hurt anymore?” “No, I hurt a lot. But I’m done with it now. I have other things to do.” 

fun fact: I told my therapist this quote and she told me to “channel my inner daredevil” and I was like “ok miriam ok”

matt is incredibly obsessive and often over-responds to things regarding those obsessions- for instance, declaring himself the kingpin, ruining relationships because he can’t focus on anything else

“Matty, you have two speeds: underthink and overthink. Right now, you’re overthinking.” (vol. 4)

matt is deeply self-loathing and fully in doubt of the idea that he could be loved by anyone else ever

matt has also internalized a lot of ableism 

matt also has just a ridiculous amount of guilt

matt on the show reading and rereading and quoting and referencing thurgood marshall is very autistic 

matt absolutely has ptsd and struggles incredibly with the after-effects of things like elektra’s death, karen’s death, milla’s institutionalization, his father’s death, shadowland, the accident 

foggy draws attention to this when he tells matt how worried he is about matt writing a memoir 

it’s also shown time and time again as he struggles with building relationships in the wake of the loss of his previous loves

 Elektra about Matt and Shadowland: “It will leave him scarred forever.” 

As a huge thank you to all of you who have supported the comic from the very start up to now and bore with the delays and dramas, let’s have a giveaway!

1st place: a FREE commission of any size (see here) as well as any product from my Society6/Redbubble, including shipping.

2nd place: an A5 sketchbook filled with art of the apollocomic gang and also character bios/sneak peeks of upcoming pages.

3rd place: same as 2nd place but in an A6 sketchbook, with storyboards of past and upcoming panels.

- Giveaway will end September 30th, winners will be messaged privately (people can get weirdly jealous and send rude messages so i’d rather leave it as your choice). All postage costs will be covered by me as this is when my student loan comes in, and also because I’m so thankful for all the donations you guys gave for the Gofundme - I’d be in serious trouble with my rent and whole financial situation without you guys and this is the only way i can think to repay your generosity! The Gofundme has ended, but there is a donation link in the sidebar at all times, and anything (even a dollar) is SO appreciated - art doesn’t do much for the bank account, sadly.

- Reblogs count as an extra entry, but aren’t necessary as likes are completely fine :) (If you left your url during the gofundme you get entered three times! also any donations from now until the end of the giveaway will also count as extra entries.) (also, must be following apollocomic!)

THANK YOU SO MUCH and good luck!

So I got my first fancy massage over Spring Break, right? And they played this super mellow harp music and shit, which was nice I guess, but the whole time I was trying to think of a way to include Uptown Funk in their playlist. Because how hella rad would your massage be if in the middle of the peaceful harp shit it suddenly was like “UPTOWN FUNK YOU UP”??? So awesome.