It's Been More Than A Year For Me But The Outcome Is Still The Same

i need to read 5 more books till the end of the year but i honestly can't decide what to pick next. i want to read slowburn but it's never done as i like in books and when i think of it, i realise that i don't even want to read romance. i can't decide on genre and on author and on anything at all because nothing just feels right for me. i want something poetic but it's hard to find poetry that would actually speak to me. i can't trust recommendations because it always feels off and i don't even trust people's opinions anymore. why is it so hard? why do i need to read a hundred books to find the one that would feel like it sees my soul?

i’ll never admit how badly i want to be wanted. not out loud, at least. i read books and poetry, and i watch films, all about the kind of love that takes your breath away. i want someone to love me. i want someone to wrap their arms around me, to play with my hair, to rub my back. i want to be wanted. i want to be someone’s number one person, their favorite. i want to be the first person they want to tell their good news to. and i can never admit it because if i did, i’d have to admit that i’m terrified i won’t ever be.

i never ever said it to anyone but no one here knows me so i feel like i can talk about my sexuality questioning and after thinking about it for a few years and changing my opinion a thousand times i feel like i'm homosexual and panromantic and maaaybe also like demiromantic or greyromantic ? something along the lines.

"I am fond of lovers but I cannot love, I am too far away, am banished,"

—Franz Kafka, from a diary entry wr. c. January 1917 featured in "Diaries"

if I ever make a mistake in English that’s because I’m a mysterious sexy foreigner btw and not because I’ve been turning the sentence over in my mind for so long that I’ve become completely unable to tell how it sounds

something in me simply can't let me use this blog as freely as i used to do with twitter. maybe it's the fact that there was at least one person who seemed to be interested in what i had to say but i'm going to try and just have this blog to myself. and i feel like this would have some merits, to express your thoughts without anyone you know seeing it. i could even talk here about me still questioning my sexuality and i'm still so afraid to say to any of my friends even a word of it

one little problem is that i still have one exam left that i seriously need to study for but i'm already dreaming of that free time i'm going to have after it. i want to read so many books, i hope to do it soon

i guess i kinda want to get back to tumblr and actually use this blog,, all of the other media just don't seem as comfortable nowadays

in my city there's going to be a music (and not only music ig) marathon where you can spend the entire night at the conservatory and listen to different performances of all sorts like music and theatre and maybe even dancing so i am going even if i spend my last money on it

Sebastian Pether, master of moonlight. Paintings from (1790-1844) Vkontakte

嵐山工作站

I started this one when the first book released and I never finished. I glad, cause this way I could add Alex!

Art is mine, pls, DO NOT repost or edit without permission. Reblogs are fine!