— Amal El-Mohtar, From This Is How You Lose The Time War (via Lunamonchtuna)

I did it! I start my antidepressant today but I’m so nervous/not excited for side effects lol

I am cautiously optimistic that things will go well and I will feel better.

So far the thought of taking them is all hypothetical. Like I can’t imagine how it would feel to feel anything but what I always have.

Wish me luck!

I have truly loved twice

I don’t believe in third time is the charm

Because each time it nearly broke me

As if it was the first and the last

A decade between the two

There is no room for another

I feel that the third will do what it’s meant to

Break me down until there’s nothing left

I’m seeing my doctor for an antidepressant tomorrow morning.

I’ve had depression since I was 10. Any period of time where I felt happy or safe was always temporary. With some therapy I made it past some of the hardest years of my life, and when I realized I was going to keep living, I decided I didn’t need treatment. I never asked for meds, and I didn’t look for therapy after I aged out of the program I was in.

I didn’t have friends or family that supported me, or even offered to talk. I understand now that none of them would have known what to say.

I wasn’t living. I thought that surviving was the point, and for a while it was. I survived some things that I don’t wish on anyone, but now I want to live.

I want to get up in the morning. I want to spend time going to coffee shops and farmers markets and travelling. I want to romanticize my life, not just drag myself through it.

I don’t know how tomorrow will go. I don’t know if I’ll have to try ten different meds before something works but I want to try.

I spent 30 years scraping by, hoping tomorrow comes and goes quickly.

I want to live again. 

Gethsemane // Sleep Token

I’ve been on tumblr since I was a young teenager and that’s wild lol

Tumblr still feels like my safe place after so many years

Franz Kafka, from a letter to Milena Jesenka featured in "Letters to Milena,"