Sometimes I Long To Make Something Or Do Something In Hopes Of Being Remembered, And Feel An Aching Shame
Sometimes I long to make something or do something in hopes of being remembered, and feel an aching shame for not having learned any of the skills I need for that yet, but then I remind myself that I've talked to people and loved people and left some kind of impact on them just by existing beside them, and that can be enough. I'm still going to learn, and create, and grow, and I can do that without the guilt or shame or fear or pressure. I can just be, and that's enough
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So funny story! When we were first learning about systems and DID and everything, we learned that denial is a massive symptom that's baked into the foundation of how systems function, so right off the bat we put in a lot of work to accept that we are a system, and build an internal structure of reassurance specifically for our existence as a system.
However! Our brain still found all kinds of ways to trip us up with denial! And it's been a constant frustrating battle. For several years we thought that we were an "average" sized system of about seven to ten headmates, and only recently have we been able to drop enough denial barriers to find that there's actually close to a hundred of us in here. Even after that, it took months to actually see the fictives from our biggest comfort medias (percy jackson and the heroes of olympus, avatar the last air bender, and others) because for some reason our brain thought that large system was bad so "nu-uh" and fictives from "childish" comfort sources were also somehow bad so "what fictives?" and it's been so much chaos T-T
Just the other day someone was going through and updating our system server and poked into channels they didn't recognize and then got smacked in the face with vibes that are obviously in our system somewhere, the person has full on had conversations at some point, and we just completely forgot they existed several times
So basically, yes, a lot, denial comes in all kinds of nasty packages and it's such a pain in the butt and you're not alone <3
Question for systems:
How often do you go into denial or convince yourself that you faked everything/your headmates have disappeared?
I think one of the goals of society should be that someone who requires expensive medicine and a lot of care can live an amazing life, the longest life they possibly can, with dignity, even if they have no friends or family or anyone who cares enough about them to help. the goals of a society should be to make life better than if we are alone, society should want life to be as good as possible for as many people as possible, and those goals should account for people not having social support networks.
I want a cat so bad! I keep seeing cute cat pictures and most of the time I'm just like "awe that's precious" and move on, but then there's the posts about having just adopted a cat and already it's loving on them and I waaaaant! I want a floofy and weird little buddy! Soon as I have a house amd everything settled I'm gonna look at how feasible it would be for me to have a cat too
Socializing as someone who is extremely strange has gotten a lot easier for me when I realized that the people who's opinions really matter to me aren't going to leave me or be mad at me just because I used the wrong phrasing or didn't have the right expression on my face when I said something and whatever other stuff like that. The people that really matter will stick around and celebrate the way we exist together, goblin noises and all
to this day possibly one of my best ideas. someone get me a pitch meeting with the hallmark channel
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