Love Realising Upon My Hundredth Until Dawn Rewatch That There Is No "subtext" Between Jossam, It's Literally

P5 uploads batch from stream

I swear this interview contains 80% of our lore

biblically accurate sam giddings i love you

ugh YES so cute

thinking about this jossam idea i want to write about

basically it's a party the group is having, mostly everyone is either drunk, high, or both. and they're like playing truth or dare or wtv and josh just ask truth or dare (she picks dare) adn he picks one of those stupid dares like "oh sit in my lap blabhlahblah" but the whole time they just yap to eachother and lowkey fall asleep like that

IDK RHFHDJ

Thinking about this trio 🙃

it's a late thursday night in 2024 and i find myself reading "full bleed" again. i've read the first chapter so many times that i've almost commit it to memory. i first read it when you first posted it around 2016(?) iirc and oh my god it blows me away every time. you perfectly characterise nathan and victoria's relationship as not quite friends, not quite lovers, some suspended state in between. it's so shocking to me how a piece of writing can impact me so wholly. forgive me for sounding obsessive but you write in such a beautiful way that your prose has weaved its way into my own works (i do not write fics, unfortunately - i am a college student who has a minor in literature) and every time i read my own content back it feels like a reflection of your writing. a reflection of a life is strange fanfiction from years ago. it sounds so simple and silly when its phrased that way, but your writing has inspired me so much. it's evoked such a visceral emotional response in me that i have only ever felt a handful of other times when reading (it's also the only fanfiction i have in my list of all time favourite books!) i wish i could express how much gratitude i have for you for writing something so meaningful and with so much passion and heart that it's impacted me until now, something more than five years later. thank you so SO much 🤍

This is from two months ago, and I'm so sorry I didn't see it before then! This is so kind of you, anon 😭🥹 Thank you so much. It's a fic that I'm really proud of, and although it's for such a niche pairing, just knowing that there's just a tiny handful of people out there who feel an attachment to it makes the time I spent on it totally worth it 🖤 I think I put myself into a lot of my writing, but I put more of myself than usual into that one. It was a story that was really cathartic to tell.

You have no idea how appreciative I am of these sentiments you have shared with me. I'm so happy that it's touched you in a way that is so meaningful 😭😭 Thank you, and I hope you are thriving as a writer 🖤

let's play 701. it'll be more fun that way.

AWWWWW this is sooo cuteee

'Cause all of me loves all of you

Summary - Hannah and Beth have their suspicions about Josh and Sam

Genre - Romance, fluff

Characters - Josh Washington, Sam Giddings, Hannah Washington, Beth Washington, Bob Washington, Melinda Washington

Ships - Sam × Josh

⚠️ Warnings - Suggestive themes ⚠️

Character speech is colour coded:

Blue = Josh

Red = Sam

Purple = Hannah

Pink = Beth

Orange = Melinda

Green = Bob

The room was still, steeped in that hazy golden-blue light that only came just after dawn. Outside the frost-lined windows, the mountains were silent. Peaceful. Inside, tangled beneath a mess of blankets, Sam stirred gently.

Josh was asleep beside her.

His arm was slung loosely over her waist, fingers curled in the hem of the hoodie she was wearing—his hoodie, oversized and warm. Sam blinked slowly, mind taking a moment to catch up with her body. Her legs were tangled with his. Her hair smelled faintly of his cologne. The soft rise and fall of his chest was against her back.

And last night…

She smiled. Just a little.

It hadn’t been part of the plan. She was supposed to be in Hannah’s room with the girls, watching movies, doing face masks, gossiping and stealing snacks from the kitchen. But things had shifted—Hannah and Beth fell asleep early, and Sam had wandered into the kitchen for a drink.

That’s when she’d found Josh. Half-asleep, yawning, asking if she wanted to help him finish the pizza in the kitchen.

One thing led to another.

And now here they were.

Sam turned her head slowly, careful not to wake him. Josh’s hair was messy, some strands falling over his closed eyes. His mouth was slightly parted, his breathing slow and deep. Peaceful, in a way Sam rarely got to see.

She brushed his hair back from his forehead, soft and careful. His brows twitched faintly at the touch, but he didn’t stir.

For a while, she just laid there, the weight of the morning pressing down around her like a secret. She didn’t know what today would bring. Didn’t know what Hannah or Beth would say when they realized Sam never came back to their room. Didn’t know if this was a one-time thing, or if—

Josh made a quiet noise in his throat. A breath, maybe a half-word, before his eyes cracked open.

“Hey,” he murmured, voice rough and sleep-heavy.

“Hey,” Sam whispered back.

Josh blinked at her, confused for a second, then smiled slowly. “You’re still here.”

“You sound surprised.”

He reached up, fingers brushing her cheek. “I dunno. I half-thought you’d sneak out to avoid an awkward breakfast.”

“I considered it,” Sam said, lips curving.

“And?”

She shrugged beneath the blankets. “Didn’t want to leave.”

Josh was quiet for a moment. His hand slid down, settling at her waist again. “Good,” he said. “'Cause I didn’t want to wake up alone.”

Sam rolled onto her back slightly, shifting so she could look at him better. “So…what now?”

Josh looked at the ceiling, then at her. “I mean, traditionally, I think we kiss again and pretend we’re not worried about what my sisters are gonna say.”

Sam smirked. “Hannah’s gonna kill me.”

“Nah,” he said, grinning. “She’s probably still asleep. And Beth sleeps like a corpse.”

“She’s still going to know.”

“Then maybe we just don’t tell them. Not yet.”

Sam nodded, but her fingers curled in the blanket. “Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t regret it.”

He looked at her, eyes soft now. “I'm glad. Me neither.”

They stayed there for a few moments, wrapped in warmth and silence, pretending the rest of the world didn’t exist outside the room. The quiet hum of the lodge. The smell of the mountain air. The feel of his hand brushing against hers under the covers.

Eventually, Sam exhaled. “Okay. We have to get up before someone walks in.”

“I locked the door.”

“You did not.”

“I thought about it.”

Sam groaned and sat up, running her fingers through her hair. “You’re the worst.”

Josh grinned, watching her. “You didn’t think so last night.”

She grabbed a pillow and threw it at him—he caught it with a laugh, muffled as he buried his face in it.

From down the hall, faint footsteps creaked against the wood.

Sam froze. “Is that—?”

“Beth,” Josh whispered. “Definitely Beth. She pees first thing every morning.”

“We are so dead.”

Josh reached for her hand under the blankets. “Wanna die together?”

Sam squeezed his fingers. “Only if you make the pancakes.”

Josh smiled.

...

The kitchen was quiet, bathed in soft morning light. The smell of old coffee lingered in the air, and the hardwood floors felt cool beneath Sam’s bare feet as she padded inside, Josh trailing close behind.

Sam yawned, opening a cabinet. “You seriously have twenty mugs and not one clean one?”

Josh smirked, rubbing sleep from his eyes. “That’s how you know we’re high-functioning.”

“Right.” She finally picked the least dusty mug and started the coffee machine. “You better pray your mom doesn’t come down and see this disaster zone.”

Josh leaned on the counter beside her. “Pretty sure she’s seen worse.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “I feel like last night added to the 'worse.’”

He gave her a crooked grin, and she blushed lightly, nudging him with her shoulder.

Just then, the creak of footsteps echoed down the hallway, followed by the soft thuds of slippered feet.

Beth appeared first, hair tousled and eyes squinting at the kitchen light. Hannah followed a moment later, hoodie too big, clearly just rolled out of bed.

“Mornin’,” Beth mumbled, heading straight for the fridge.

“Hey,” Josh said casually, trying not to sound too casual.

Sam waved with one hand, her other gripping her coffee cup like a lifeline.

Hannah’s eyes flicked between the two of them. Once. Twice. Then narrowed.

She elbowed Beth lightly, whispering, “Come with me.”

Beth blinked, half-biting a string cheese. “Huh?”

“Come on,” Hannah said under her breath, dragging her by the sleeve toward the hallway.

Beth stumbled after her, still chewing. “Hannah, what the hell—?”

Once they were out of earshot, Hannah whirled around and leaned in close.

“I think Sam and Josh…” She lowered her voice dramatically, eyes wide. “You know.”

Beth blinked. “Know…what?”

“You know.” Hannah gave her a look. “Did the deed. The devil’s tango. The horizontal tango. The special cuddle.”

Beth choked. “What?! No way.”

“I’m serious,” Hannah hissed. “She didn’t come back to our room last night.”

“She probably fell asleep somewhere.”

“In Josh’s room?” Hannah raised an eyebrow. “Wearing his hoodie?”

Beth looked uncertain. “Okay, that’s not—maybe it’s cold?”

“She’s glowing,” Hannah said, eyes wide. “And Josh is walking like he’s in a Calvin Klein advert. Come on, Beth.”

Beth paused.

She turned her head slowly, peeking around the hallway wall to glance back into the kitchen.

Sam stood at the counter, sipping coffee and smiling to herself. Josh leaned a little too close when he passed behind her to grab a plate, their arms brushing like magnets.

Beth blinked.

“Oh my god,” she whispered. “They did.”

Hannah just nodded with a smug little smile.

Beth looked half-shocked, half-impressed. “I thought she was staying with us!”

“I did too.” Hannah smirked. “Guess she made other plans.”

They both turned to glance into the kitchen again, watching Josh and Sam share a private laugh about something neither of them could hear.

Beth nudged Hannah. “We’re so teasing them.”

“Oh absolutely,” Hannah whispered. “But after breakfast. We don’t want to scare her off too fast.”

Beth giggled. “Deal.”

They turned away and headed back toward the kitchen, putting on their best innocent faces.

The smell of cinnamon and maple drifting in from the kitchen where Melinda had been working all morning. The windows let in soft, golden light, bathing the large dining table in the kind of glow you’d see in a painting.

Josh and Sam were already seated when the rest of the family started to gather. Josh had made sure Sam had everything she could possibly want before he even thought about serving himself. Her plate was arranged with perfect care: syrup-drenched pancakes, strawberries with the stems cut off, exactly how she liked them, and a splash of orange juice—not too much, not too little.

“More butter?” Josh asked, butter knife already poised.

Sam gave him a playful side-eye. “I think my arteries are good, thanks.”

Josh grinned, cutting into his own pancakes. “Let me know if they change their mind.”

Across the table, Hannah had just sat down with a bowl of cereal and immediately froze, spoon halfway to her mouth.

She squinted at her brother. Then at Sam. Then at the very not-subtle way Josh reached to tuck Sam’s napkin onto her lap like he’d done it a hundred times.

“Okay,” she muttered.

Beth sat down beside her, yawning. “What?”

Hannah elbowed her. “Look at them.”

Beth blinked the sleep out of her eyes and followed Hannah’s stare.

Josh was leaning in toward Sam, whispering something that made her bite her lip to keep from laughing. He nudged her juice toward her hand like it was second nature.

Beth’s brows furrowed. “Huh.”

“You see it too, right?” Hannah whispered.

Beth shrugged. “They’re just being friendly.”

“They're being friendly.”

Beth blinked. “Oh my god.”

In the middle of their whispered detective work, Melinda placed another plate of pancakes on the table and smiled at her son and Sam.

“Did you two sleep okay?” she asked, setting down a bowl of fruit with practiced hands.

Josh opened his mouth to respond, but Sam beat him to it.

“Really well. Your guest beds are the comfiest, Mel.”

Josh choked on his juice. “Guest bed?”

Melinda tilted her head. “Didn’t you say you were staying in Hannah’s room, Sam?”

“I—” Sam hesitated.

Josh jumped in. “She crashed in mine. Long movie night. Fell asleep.”

Hannah made a noise. Beth kicked her under the table.

Melinda, none the wiser, smiled pleasantly. “Oh! Well, I’m glad you were comfortable, sweetheart.”

“Very,” Sam muttered into her coffee.

Josh leaned back, arm casually draped behind Sam’s chair now. He hadn’t even noticed he was doing it.

Beth leaned toward Hannah. “Oh no. They’re full on domesticated.”

Hannah stared at the way Josh looked at Sam while she buttered her toast like she’d hung the moon. “You think they’re dating?”

“They’re either dating or ten minutes away from it,” Beth said. “Did you see how he cut her pancakes for her earlier?”

“I thought I hallucinated that.”

“I wish you had.”

Josh poured more syrup onto Sam’s plate when he noticed she was running low. She didn’t ask—he just knew.

“Thanks,” she said softly.

“Don’t mention it.”

Melinda sat down with her own plate, humming cheerfully. “I just love family breakfasts.”

Bob wandered in last, coffee mug in one hand and a half-read newspaper in the other. “What’d I miss?”

“Nothing,” the twins said too quickly.

“Everything,” Beth whispered to Hannah.

Sam sipped her coffee, and Josh absently reached up to tuck a loose strand of her hair behind her ear before returning to his pancakes. She blinked at him in surprised amusement, but didn’t comment.

Beth leaned her chin on her hand. “So, Sam...you staying long?”

Sam looked up, surprised. “Uh, just the weekend. Why?”

“No reason,” Beth said sweetly. “Just wondering if you and Josh have plans.”

Josh narrowed his eyes. “We’re watching a movie later. Is that a crime now?”

“Not unless you forget to keep it PG,” Hannah muttered into her coffee.

“What was that?” Melinda asked.

“Pancakes are great!” Hannah covered.

“Right,” Melinda chuckled, sipping her tea.

Bob didn’t look up. “You kids always whispering.”

Josh passed Sam the last of the strawberries without a word. She bumped her shoulder against his in thanks, and his smile looked like it was carved out of sunlight.

Hannah mimed gagging while Melinda buttered her toast, still blissfully unaware of the subtext at the table.

Sam looked across at the twins, noticed the exchanged glances, and shot Hannah a sharp, knowing look.

It said everything: Yes. Yes, I slept in his bed. Yes, something happened. And no, I’m not sorry.

Hannah’s eyes widened slightly. Beth blinked.

“Oh my god,” Beth mouthed.

Sam just sipped her coffee and smiled innocently.

Josh was halfway through complimenting the pancakes when Melinda cut him off.

“You know, Josh never used to like strawberries. Until he was thirteen.”

Josh rolled his eyes. “You always tell this story.”

Melinda grinned. “Because it’s cute. He had a crush on the neighbor girl—what was her name? Lucy?”

“Can we not—” Josh pleaded.

“She loved strawberries,” Melinda continued. “So Josh suddenly loved strawberries. Ate an entire bowl in front of her to impress her.”

Josh buried his face in his hands. Sam leaned in.

“Is that what this is?” she teased, pointing to her plate.

Josh groaned. “I walked into that one.”

Beth whispered, “You’re walking into something else too.”

Hannah snorted into her drink.

...

The table was finally cleared, plates stacked high in the sink. Josh was helping his mom rinse them off while Sam dried. Bob had retreated to his armchair with the newspaper, and Hannah and Beth were standing by the base of the staircase, watching the scene unfold with suspicion and awe.

Beth crossed her arms. “Okay. They’re literally glowing.”

Hannah gave her a look. “I told you.”

“Still…I didn’t expect her to pull our brother.”

“You’re saying she couldn’t?”

Beth shrugged. “No, I mean—she could obviously. Just didn’t think she’d want to.”

Hannah snorted. “You should’ve seen them last night when we were picking the movie. I saw her elbow Josh when he tried to choose The Thing. That’s their thing, apparently.”

Beth raised her eyebrows. “How long has this been a thing?”

“I don’t know,” Hannah whispered. “But they’re in full domestic mode. He gave her the last strawberry. He’s never even offered me the last anything.”

Beth squinted toward the kitchen. “They’re drying dishes together.”

“In harmony,” Hannah said dramatically. “He handed her a mug like it was made of solid gold.”

“I swear, I saw him pour her coffee without even asking what she wanted.”

“You think they’ve actually done it?”

Beth blinked at her sister. “Seriously?”

Hannah looked back toward the kitchen, where Sam nudged Josh playfully with her hip, and he bumped her back with a grin that reached both ears. “I mean, look at them. You don’t act like that unless something’s happened.”

Beth looked like she was processing a life-altering truth. “You really think so?”

Hannah leaned in, whispering, “Last night wasn’t just a sleepover.”

Beth groaned and rubbed her face. “Okay, I hate how right you probably are.”

Sam and Josh reentered the room, laughing over something quiet between them. Josh’s hand was lightly resting on the small of Sam’s back, casual but protective. Beth and Hannah both stared at it like it was glowing red.

“We’re gonna take a walk,” Josh announced.

“Cold out there,” Melinda warned from the sink.

“I’ll give her my jacket,” Josh said automatically, then realized how that sounded. “I mean—not that she’ll need it—I—”

Sam laughed softly. “You’re adorable when you panic.”

Beth let out a single cough that sounded suspiciously like, “Whipped.”

Josh shot her a look. “What was that?”

“Nothing,” she said sweetly.

Sam slipped her arms into her hoodie. “I’m stealing this,” she said to Josh, tugging on the sleeve. “Smells like you.”

Josh’s ears turned bright red.

Beth covered a giggle with a sudden, dramatic sneeze. Hannah looked seconds away from combusting with smug energy.

As Josh and Sam headed out the door, Hannah turned to Beth and whispered, “We need to get Sam alone later. I need the full story.”

Beth nodded solemnly. “Intervention-level interrogation.”

“I’ll make popcorn.”

“Let’s go spy from the porch first.”

“God, I love mornings like this.”

...

The cold hit immediately, sharp and biting, but it didn’t bother Sam much. Josh had already slipped his hoodie off and wrapped it around her shoulders like a reflex.

“Such a gentleman,” she teased, zipping it up. It was warm and smelled like cedar and clean laundry. “Chivalry isn’t dead.”

“I’m just trying to avoid getting roasted by my sisters again,” he muttered. “I swear they know everything.”

Sam laughed, linking her arm with his. “They’re definitely suspicious.”

Josh raised a brow, voice lowering into something sly. “Think they heard anything?”

Sam smirked. “I was more worried about them seeing something this morning. You’re not exactly subtle when you sleep.”

Josh made a strangled sound. “I don’t snore.”

“You definitely drool.”

He gasped in mock offense, then leaned down close enough that his breath warmed her cheek. “You didn’t seem to mind last night.”

She gave him a shove. “You're insufferable.”

“You like it.”

“I do.”

They walked along the gravel path behind the lodge, past bare trees and scattered red-orange leaves, the crisp scent of autumn settling around them. Sam pulled the hoodie tighter around her. Josh didn’t say anything for a moment, just let the silence stretch between them.

“I like this,” he finally said. “You. This. Mornings like this.”

Sam’s hand slipped into his. “Me too.”

...

“Okay,” Hannah said, closing the bedroom door behind them like they were about to discuss nuclear codes. “What’s our plan?”

Beth flopped onto her bed. “Subtle questioning or full frontal interrogation?”

“Subtle. We don’t want her to shut down.”

Beth raised an eyebrow. “Sam? Shut down? She’s emotionally bulletproof.”

“Exactly why we need to catch her off-guard.” Hannah began pacing. “Let’s go for the casual route. Like, ‘so how was your night?’ then—bam—hit her with the smirk.”

“I’m ready.” Beth grinned. “You do the smirk, I’ll pretend to be shocked when she admits it.”

“She won’t admit it.”

“Then we interpret her every blink as confirmation.”

Hannah paused, listening for footsteps. “They’re back.”

Beth sat up straight. “Showtime.”

...

Josh and Sam reentered, cheeks pink from the cold. Sam had the hoodie’s sleeves pulled over her hands and looked perfectly content.

“We’re back,” Josh said to no one in particular.

“Finally,” Beth said, exchanging a glance with Hannah. “We were worried you froze to death...or something.”

“Mhm,” Hannah added. “You look a little flushed, Sam.”

Josh narrowed his eyes. “Okay, what is happening right now?”

“Nothing,” the twins said in sync.

Sam stretched, unbothered. “We were just admiring the scenery.”

Beth’s mouth twitched. “Bet you were admiring something.”

Josh looked between them. “Are you two high?”

Sam just smirked and made a show of slipping the hoodie off slowly and tossing it back to Josh. “Thanks for the walk.”

He caught it, stunned. “...Anytime.”

Beth’s jaw dropped.

Hannah looked smug.

“Oh my god,” Beth whispered later as the twins returned upstairs. “She dominated him.”

“She is my hero,” Hannah whispered back.

...

Sam barely had time to blink.

One moment she was stretching her arms in the hallway, about to head back downstairs after grabbing her phone charger. The next, two very determined sisters stood in front of her like guards at the gates of gossip hell.

“Hi,” Hannah said, too chipper, fingers laced together like an evil mastermind.

Beth stood beside her, arms crossed, smirking like she’d been waiting for this moment her entire life. “Don’t try to run. You won’t make it.”

Sam narrowed her eyes. “Run from what?”

Hannah took her by the wrist and tugged her gently toward the nearest bedroom. “Just come with us. We need a quick chat.”

“I don’t like the way you said ‘chat,’” Sam muttered, but didn’t resist. She knew better. Once these two set their sights on something, there was no escape.

Once the door closed behind them, Sam was herded to sit on Hannah’s bed like she was about to be interrogated by federal agents.

Beth leaned against the dresser with a smug expression. Hannah stood across from Sam with her arms behind her back, pacing slightly.

“So,” Hannah began, like a professor giving a lecture, “you slept in Josh’s room last night.”

Sam crossed her legs and played it cool. “Yeah. So?”

Beth raised a brow. “That’s not normal sleepover behavior.”

“We thought this was a girls night,” Hannah added, mock-hurt. “We were supposed to eat junk and complain about boys, not go full Fifty Shades in the room next door.”

“I’m gonna stop you right there,” Sam said, hands up. “It wasn’t like that.”

“Oh, wasn’t it?” Beth asked, eyes sparkling. “Because I swear the air in the hallway was thicker than butter when you two walked in.”

“And Josh had sex hair,” Hannah said bluntly.

Sam turned beet red. “He always has messy hair!”

“Not like that,” both twins said in unison.

Beth stepped closer. “So. Spill. Did you guys...do it?”

Sam groaned. “This is so invasive.”

“And yet,” Hannah said sweetly, “you’re not denying it.”

Sam buried her face in her hands. “I am not telling you if I slept with your brother.”

“Okay,” Hannah said, plopping down next to her, “then I’ll just ask the important stuff.”

“Hannah—”

“Was he gentle or rough?”

“What the—!”

“Like, did he go slow? Or was it like—" she made a vague gesture that looked suspiciously like a lasso.

Sam let out a loud, mortified squeak and shoved her shoulder. “I am not having this conversation with you!”

Beth howled with laughter from across the room.

“Oh come on, Sam,” Hannah grinned. “You know I’m gonna be your sister-in-law one day, right? Might as well get the details now.”

Sam glared, eyes narrowed. “Are you like this with all your brother’s hookups?”

“You’re not a hookup,” Hannah said plainly, the teasing tone softening just a little. “You’re Sam. I’ve seen how he looks at you.”

Beth gave a slow nod. “Yeah. It’s like...grossly soft. Like he’d take a bullet for you and then ask if you’re okay.”

Sam looked down, a small smile tugging at her lips. “...He did bring me tea this morning. And my hoodie. And stole all the blankets.”

Hannah and Beth exchanged knowing looks.

Hannah leaned in again. “So...was he good?”

Sam gave her a long, level stare.

Hannah didn’t blink.

Finally, Sam muttered, “...Yes.”

“Knew it!” Hannah cheered.

Beth laughed so hard she nearly toppled off the dresser.

“You guys are insane,” Sam said, red-faced and hiding her smile.

“And you’re in love with our brother,” Hannah sang, flopping backward dramatically.

Sam rolled her eyes but didn’t deny it.

Beth lounged at the foot of the bed, leaning forward like she was preparing to grill a suspect.

“You’re really not gonna get out of this,” Hannah said, smug. “You might as well just answer everything. We already know.”

“You think you know,” Sam said, tightening her grip on the pillow in her lap.

“We heard things,” Beth added, wiggling her brows.

Sam blanched. “You what?!”

“Kidding,”

“Okay, fine.” Sam sighed, throwing the pillow aside. “Let’s get this over with. Ask your questions, you vultures.”

Beth grinned. “Oh, we’re going in.”

Hannah sat up straighter. “First: who made the first move? Who crossed the line first?”

Sam hesitated. “I guess...he kissed me. But I didn’t push him away.”

Beth gasped. “Our brother seduced you?”

Sam rolled her eyes. “If you can call awkward fumbling and apologizing for having cold hands ‘seduction,’ then yes.”

Hannah leaned in. “Okay, but was he smooth once things got going? Or was it like...Josh being Josh?”

Sam snorted. “He tried to be smooth. Then knocked his head on the headboard. I laughed. He apologized six times.”

Beth was already cackling. “Sounds right.”

“Was he confident though?” Hannah asked. “Like, did he take charge?”

Sam’s ears turned red. “Yeah. I mean...yeah. Eventually.”

Beth raised a brow. “So he has a dominant side.”

“Beth!”

“I’m serious! Was he soft and slow, or like—hands everywhere, whispering in your ear, biting your neck—”

“Okay wow,” Sam said quickly, holding up a hand. “You guys are relentless.”

“Not denying it,” Hannah said with a smirk.

“Fine.” Sam exhaled. “He was sweet. At first. Then he kinda surprised me. In a good way.”

Beth’s grin widened. “Surprised you how?”

Sam looked away. “I didn’t know he had it in him.”

“Oh my god,” Hannah whispered. “You mean he—”

“Yes,” Sam said quickly. “Yes to whatever you’re going to say. He was passionate and intense and I did not expect that from Mr. Movie Commentary.”

Beth leaned in, eyes wide. “Did he say anything dirty?”

Sam hesitated.

“Oh my god,” Beth said again. “What’d he say?”

“I’m not—”

“We’re not letting this go,” Hannah cut in.

Sam sighed, defeated. “He said...‘I want to make you feel so good.’” She paused, then added, “And then something about me moaning being his favorite sound.”

Both sisters screamed into the pillows at the same time.

“HE DID NOT—” Beth shouted, laughing hysterically.

“I cannot believe my brother is a closet romantic perv!” Hannah shrieked.

Sam was dying of secondhand embarrassment. “I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with his sisters.”

“We’re not done,” Beth said, wiping tears of laughter. “Did he do the thing? Y’know...that thing.”

“What thing?”

“You know,” Hannah said, nudging Sam. “The hand thing.”

Sam stared. “I need more context.”

Beth made a gesture. “That thing. With his hands. The good stuff.”

Sam blinked. “Do you mean—wait, do you guys seriously want to know if your brother—?”

“Yes,” they said in unison.

Sam buried her face in her hands. “This is wrong.”

“But was he good?” Hannah asked.

Sam mumbled into her palms.

“What was that?” Beth leaned in.

Sam peeked through her fingers. “Yes. Okay? He was really good. Too good.”

Beth nearly fell off the bed. “Oh my god, he’s been practicing.”

“Stop!” Sam yelled, face fully red.

Hannah was wheezing. “Did he do the thing with his voice? That low tone he gets when he’s being serious?”

“Yes.”

Beth smirked. “Did it make your knees weak?”

“I hate you both.”

“Okay,” Hannah said, trying to regain composure. “Final question.”

“Oh thank god.”

“Was it just a one-time thing?” Hannah asked, voice soft for the first time. “Or do you...actually feel something for him?”

Sam looked between them. Her smile softened. “I’ve felt something for him for a long time. Last night just confirmed it.”

The room went quiet for a second.

Then Beth sighed dramatically. “We’re gonna be sisters-in-law, aren’t we?”

Sam threw a pillow at her face again.

A voice echoed up the stairs.

“Sammy!” Josh shouted from the kitchen. “You disappeared on me, and I’m dangerously close to burning toast. If I burn toast, I blame you!”

Hannah and Beth immediately exchanged a look. Sam was sitting frozen between them, still recovering from the interrogation.

“You gonna survive this?” Hannah whispered.

“No,” Sam muttered.

Beth grinned and linked arms with Sam. “Come on, toast boy’s waiting.”

“Try not to blush when he looks at you,” Hannah added with a wink, slipping to Sam’s other side.

They walked together down the stairs, Sam sandwiched between Josh’s twin sisters like a girl being marched to the gallows — except the gallows were a warm kitchen, and the executioner had messy hair and a crooked smile.

Josh looked up the second he heard them coming down. He stood by the counter, holding a knife in one hand and butter in the other.

“There she is,” he said, eyes lighting up when he saw Sam. “I was about to come drag you out of whatever black hole you fell into.”

“You’d have to get past us first,” Beth said sweetly, plucking a slice of toast from the plate.

Josh raised an eyebrow at his sisters. “You guys look...suspiciously smug. Should I be worried?”

“No,” Hannah said too quickly.

“Yes,” Sam muttered under her breath.

“What was that?” Josh tilted his head.

“Nothing!” Sam and the twins said in perfect unison.

Josh squinted at all three of them, then slowly turned back to the counter. “Okay...definitely not weird at all.”

Sam glanced at Hannah and Beth, who looked like they were biting the insides of their cheeks trying not to laugh.

She whispered to them, “Not. A. Word.”

They both gave her innocent smiles.

Josh turned back around, toast now buttered and on a plate. “Here. I made your favourite,” he said to Sam, like it was the most casual thing in the world.

Sam blinked. “You remembered?”

He shrugged, but there was a subtle proudness in the lift of his shoulders. “Of course I did. You like cinnamon sugar on one slice, plain butter on the other. You’re a toast split-personality kind of gal.”

Hannah made a quiet awww sound behind her hand. Beth just mouthed, You’re so screwed.

Sam sat at the table, cheeks burning, and Josh slid the plate in front of her with a small, crooked smile.

She tried not to melt.

Beth sat across from them, nudging Hannah and whispering, “Do we just leave? Let them kiss and get it over with?”

“We’re not leaving. I want to watch him be all cute and unaware,” Hannah whispered back.

Josh leaned over Sam’s shoulder to grab the sugar dish and said low in her ear, “You okay?”

Sam turned her head slightly to meet his eyes. “Yeah. Just recovering from your sisters.”

Josh snorted. “You brave soul.”

She smiled and nudged his arm gently. He bumped her shoulder back in return. To anyone else, it would’ve looked like friendly teasing—but not to Hannah and Beth. They saw everything.

...

Beth had been bouncing her leg under the table for five straight minutes, glancing between Josh and Sam, then at Hannah. Finally, she slammed her hands on the table.

“Okay, I can’t take it anymore!”

Everyone froze.

Josh looked up mid-pour, nearly overfilling the glass. “What?”

“You two slept together!” Beth blurted, pointing an accusatory finger between Sam and Josh.

The juice glass overflowed.

Josh blinked. Sam nearly choked on her toast. Hannah covered her face with both hands.

“BETH!” Sam gasped, her voice strangled.

“What!?” Beth defended. “You two snuck off, you came back all giggly and secretive, and Sam gave Hannah the look. You know the look!”

“I am going to crawl into the oven and turn it on,” Sam muttered, hiding her face behind her hands.

Josh, still frozen with the juice carton in one hand, finally spoke. “Wait, hold on—what are we talking about here?”

Beth looked at him like he was the dumbest man alive. “You and Sam! Last night!”

Josh dropped the juice carton. “Oh my god—”

The door burst open.

“What’s going on in here? We heard yelling!” Melinda asked sharply, stepping in with Bob right behind her.

Everyone froze like deer in headlights. Sam looked like she wanted to die. Josh had his hands in his hair. Hannah whispered “abort mission” under her breath.

“Josh and Sam slept together!” Beth shouted again, her hands flailing.

Everyone froze. Again.

Melinda’s gaze swept over the room—the flushed faces, the awkward postures, Sam looking like she wanted to vanish into the floor, Josh with one hand gripping the edge of the table like he was preparing to be struck by lightning.

Then her eyes locked onto Beth’s still-raised arm and the very obvious accusation written on her face.

Melinda’s mouth twitched.

“We know,” she said calmly.

A heavy silence followed.

“You knew?!” Beth and Hannah said in unison.

Sam looked like she was about to pass out. “What?!”

Josh choked. “Mom!”

Melinda smiled, completely unbothered. “Oh, honey, I gave birth to you. I know you. And I know what it looks like when you're in love.”

Hannah’s jaw dropped. “You knew this whole time and just said nothing?!”

Melinda shrugged. “I figured it would come out eventually. You’re all adults. You’re allowed to have feelings—and make...questionable decisions.”

Sam looked like she had disassociated from her own body.

Josh ran a hand over his face. “This is—how did you even—?”

Melinda raised an eyebrow. “The way you look at her, Josh. The way she looks at you. You carried her plate to the table, filled her mug before your own, tucked her hair behind her ear when you thought no one was watching—do I need to go on?”

Josh groaned and dropped his head to the table. “Please stop.”

Bob took a long sip of coffee, finally joining in. “Honestly, I’ve known too.”

Josh looked up slowly. “You too?”

“Son, I’m not blind,” Bob said dryly. “You two practically orbit each other like a couple of lovesick satellites. I just chose not to say anything because I really didn’t want to know the details.”

Beth looked personally offended. “You both knew, and you just sat there this morning like nothing was happening?!”

Melinda raised a brow. “Yes. Because we're the parents, and we’re mature adults.”

“Speak for yourself,” Bob muttered.

Sam finally let out a tiny laugh, hiding behind her coffee mug. “This is the weirdest breakfast I’ve ever had.”

Melinda leaned over and gently brushed Sam’s shoulder. “We’re glad you’re here, sweetheart. You make Josh happier.”

Josh peeked over at Sam, a small smile tugging at his lips.

Then Hannah made a gagging sound.

“Oh god, don’t look at each other like that. Not after what I think I heard through the vent.”

“Hannah!” Sam and Josh both exclaimed.

Beth slid dramatically down in her seat. “This is my villain origin story.”

Josh laughed, groaning into his hands. “I’m never gonna live this down.”

Melinda sipped her tea with a smirk. “Not a chance, sweetheart.”

This might be the longest thing I've written

i sleep so i can see you (i hate to wait so long)

ੈ✩‧₊ chapter 2: sam likes a guy from her english class

view it on ao3previous chapter ○ next chapter

image credit: @bratjosh <3

pairing: josh washington x sam giddings

synopsis: The first time Sam has a proper interaction with the twins' older brother, she's on the ground. When Sam is in the tenth grade, he's the reason she gets called to the principal's office. She's got her phone beside her pillow at full volume at all times and he's why. She realises that she'll be making excuses for him all her life. Josh and Sam in the years leading up to the prank. Or, all the boys people Samantha Giddings has ever had a crush on.

word count: 4.6k

“Come on, Josh, it’s only one night,” Hannah urges, clutching at his arm. 

“No fucking way. I’ll be here, enjoying the comfort of The Hole, thanks.” He made a show of yawning and kicking one foot over the other like he could melt into his bed out of laziness. 

Josh had dubbed his room The Hole because of how much of his litter that it seemed to be able to consume since he had come home from the hospital. As it turns out, when you’re clinically insane, three weeks can very easily turn into three months. Old socks and pizza boxes had cluttered the floor and he was beginning to forget what colour his carpet was. It was exhausting, really, being this responsibility-free. He wasn’t allowed to drink or get high, had to adhere to a strict meal plan of a small handful of pills every few hours, and was prescribed an hour of outside time every morning. It was like being in prison, without the fun homoerotic parts. 

In his sixteen years of life, Josh figured that a good four of were spent in hospitals, therapy and waiting in line for prescriptions. He wouldn’t necessarily call himself crazy per se, but there was definitely a crazy quality to the way that he would frequently imagine his entire family dying gruesome, painful deaths. 

Hannah tries to pull him up but he doesn’t budge, instead concentrating all his energy in making himself as heavy as possible. 

She crosses her arms over her chest. “Is it because of Sam?”

If he had to be honest - yes, yes it was because of Sam. It was because they had spent their entire summer - hell, their entire childhood - before he left flirting and when he had finally thought things were getting somewhere, he had to get himself landed in the loony bin again. It was also because of her stupid new boyfriend, that absolute loser Elliot Coleman in Hannah’s English class - well - he wasn’t sure if he was her boyfriend, but he had seen them texting and there was no chance he wouldn’t snatch her up if he had the chance. 

He didn’t even realise he had a crush on her until two weeks ago - the first time they saw each other since he had gotten out of the psych ward - when Sam slept over. She was sweet, and tolerant of his mental state, which were two of his favourite qualities in girls. Though, it also helped that she had an insanely toned body from all those extreme sports she likes to do and a gorgeous twinkly smile. Of course, he had been with his fair share of girls - but none of them compared to Sam; no, - she was just a dream. An unattainable picture of what he could have if he was stable. Maybe he could’ve made a move at some point in the - what - seven? years that they had known each other. But in that time he had various other (greater) issues to attend to such as the tickling, persisting voices in his head reminding him that he needed to die. 

Since then, she had pervaded his every thought, coming to him in dreams and following wherever his mind wandered. Sam was her star - it had been that way for longer than he can remember.

Every day, Josh had two xanax (prescribed) and two percocets (for fun) before rotting on the couch for hours until his sisters came back from school. The house was empty, with Bob and Melinda being away in Spain for a work event, which left him mostly alone, to the ghosts of the Washington Estate. He was to stay home for the first week back from the psych ward to allow some time for himself to adjust, and most days he just played video games and slept for hours at a time. The first Friday he was back, his sisters had finished school early and came home with Sammy (to his drug-addled pleasure), who was happy to watch movies with him while his sisters took care of dinner. 

She’s so good, and he hates it. Sam baked him cupcakes and made him a card to celebrate his return home, with cute little drawings of them as animals. She’s fine to play Call of Duty with him all afternoon, bring him snacks and remind him to take his medicine, like a glorified three-year-old. And she cares, too, genuinely - she asks him if he’s going alright, and whether there’s anything she can do to help. He wonders if he really deserved this special treatment - or even worse - that it’s because she feels sorry for him, but no - it can’t be. This is just the type of person Samantha Giddings is. A person that’s way too good for him. 

He was weaving in and out of consciousness until he had woken in a sluggish dream in front of the television, watching a horror movie with Sam and the twins. 

If Josh knew anything in his current state (inebriated as hell), he knew that the girl beside him was gorgeous. She was only wearing pyjama pants and a tank top, but fuck, she’s glowing and he wasn’t sure if it was just the light from the TV. She looked different - he racked his brain trying to remember; was she always gorgeous or was it the fact that he was on so many medications that his brain went fuzzy? How did they end up on the pull out mattress together? He instantly reddened when he noticed that Hannah and Beth were asleep on the fold out couch behind them. They would never let him hear the end of it. 

When did Josh see Sam last? Last month, maybe, when she came to visit with the twins? He was irritated, despite it being his own fault - she had reached out plenty, but he hadn’t bothered to open any of her texts. 

Josh reaches over her lap for popcorn, suddenly aware of the way his arm brushed against hers. He shifted a little in his pants - how long had it been since they were together alone like this? She looked up from her phone and swatted him away, pulling the popcorn box closer to her. 

“Who you texting, Sammy?” He teased, inching closer towards her. She giggled and blocked his view with her shoulder so that it was pressed up against his arm. 

“None of your goddamn business.”

He reached for her phone and she jutted her arm forward, shouldering him hard with the other. Josh’s hand slowly creeps towards hers and before she can protest, he snatches it from Sam and holds it above her head, chuckling at the sight of her pawing at it. Every time that she grazed his arm with her fingertips trying to reach for her little old iPhone, it was like electricity was seeping from her skin. He had to admit, a pit in his stomach began to grow as he saw the name on her phone - all these years of being friends with Hannah and Beth and she had never once mentioned a guy. He wasn’t sure when it exactly started, but their relationship was of such an immensely flirtatious nature that he forgot that she actually didn’t belong to him. 

To be fair, he had been gone for a few months - who knows what could’ve happened in that time? Josh had only realised it now but every moment they spent apart from each other, a niggling itch spread through the back of his brain, reminding him that she could find somebody while he was in the hospital. What was it - some kind of jealousy? He was dizzy with greed, he wanted all of her time and dreaded the possibility of her forgetting him, forgetting the electricity between them - if there even was a them. She wasn’t his girlfriend, no- god, of course not. He was much too unstable for somebody like her. He wasn’t jealous. No; he just wanted the best for Sammy - his baby sisters’ best friend, the little girl with the pigtails from the fifth grade.

Elliot: Hahahah Sammy stop i cant with u

Josh clenched his jaw. Sammy. That was his nickname for her. Elliot’s a fucking loser - god, who even is he anyway? Elliot, Elliot, Elliot. That’s all he ever heard from Hannah on their nightly sibling FaceTime calls when he was at the hospital: Elliot is the hottest guy in the tenth grade, Elliot’s parents are suuuper rich (like come on, our father is the Bob Washington), did you hear that Elliot will be at that party next weekend? And now he’s with Sam. His Sam. Okay - maybe not his Sam - but the grip she had that wouldn’t seem to release itself from his heart seemed to say otherwise. Josh tried to free himself from his jealous inertia and relaxed his muscles, raising his eyebrow teasingly. 

“Ooh, who’s Elliot?” 

Sam reached to pull it back but he dodged, waving the phone above her reach. She let out a laugh - one of those magical Sam laughs that make you forget your name - and slapped him on the arm. “Give me back my phone, Josh!” 

“Come on, are you embarrassed?” He pokes her in the forehead and she giggles again. That damn giggle. 

Elliot: Ur so funny hahaha

He felt a pin prick his heart as Sam seizes the phone back and tucks it in her pocket. “Does he know you’re up all night watching movies with another guy?” He taunts, poking her in the rib. 

She traced a finger down his chest playfully. “You got a crush on me, Joshua?” 

They’re so close now, his face is up to his that if he inched any closer their noses would be touching. He’s imagining tasting the pink of her lips, imagining whether they would be hot against his and whether they tasted like the smell of her Coca Cola lip balm. Josh felt his cheeks flush. Is it a crush when you spent the last few weeks in the psych ward thinking about her? 

“Mm, yeah, I’m sooo in love with the way you have popcorn stuck in your teeth right now.” 

“God, Josh,” Hannah rolls her eyes. “She won’t know you like her if you never even tell her.” 

Josh groaned and pulled his blanket over his head. “I don’t like her. I just think it’s weird that she’s spending all this time with this Elliot guy.” 

He hadn’t told either of his sisters anything about his newfound feelings for Sam - but the twins had an eye for these sorts of things, and there was no hiding anything from them. 

Sam loves running. When she practices for the upcoming track meet, every morning she goes for a jog past the Washington house and hangs out with Hannah and Beth before they take the bus together. Upon noticing this, Josh coincidentally loves waking up early, and every morning he’s in the kitchen cutting fruit on the off chance she’ll want a snack before she leaves. This had only elicited eyebrow raises from the twins, who kept mentioning how strange it was that he was up so early.

Hannah and Beth knew it for certain from a couple days after the sleepover, when he had bounded into the living room while the twins were playing board games on the floor and dropped a stack of papers on their game of Scrabble. 

“There!” he announced triumphantly, crossing his arms. 

Beth glares at him and grunts, crossing her arms over her chest. “Josh. I was winning.” 

Hannah raises an eyebrow. “What even is this?” She leafs through the stack and tosses them back on the floor, the papers falling around her to reveal Elliot’s grinning school photo. Josh rolls his eyes at him; the loser - he even looks like a dickhead in his ID picture. 

“Elliot Coleman’s academic transcript.” 

The twins exchange a glance with each other and Beth takes one of the papers into her hand, squinting at the text. When she realises, a smile creeps onto her face and she surveys the next page. They try their best to humour him, Hannah trying to contort her face into a straight one, but Beth accidentally locks eyes with her, sending them both into fits of laughter. 

Josh swivels his head between the both of them, wide eyes darting between the two. “What’s so funny?” he demands, holding his hands up in exasperation. “This is totally serious.” 

“What-” Hannah giggles between hiccups, “what do you mean, Elliot’s transcript? Where did you even get this?” 

Josh scoffs, a finger stabbing accusingly at the forlorn papers. “Look at this shit - four D’s. Who the fuck even is this guy?” 

Beth stifles a giggle, moulding her face into a serious one. “What are you talking about?” A smile peeks out when she ends the question and her hands race to her mouth to keep from cackling. 

“This guy is not good enough for Sam. He’s fucking illiterate - I mean come on, an F for English? He’s from Tennessee. They don’t even speak anything there other than English. No wonder he’s taking a tenth grade class.” 

This is the breaking point for Beth, because she can’t hold in her laughter anymore and she’s hunched over, slapping Hannah’s arm. 

“Jesus, Josh, when were you gonna tell us you were into Sam?” Hannah’s in tears now too, taking off her glasses to wipe the fog from the lenses. 

“I don’t like Sam. I just think that she deserves more than a guy who’s stuck at a fifth grade reading level!” 

The twins exchange a look between giggles, and Beth furrows her eyebrows. “Sure thing, Josh.” 

Okay, so maybe he could’ve been a bit more lowkey. 

Hannah’s persistence lucks out in the end, because she manages to convince Josh to come to Mike Munroe’s birthday party - a party that she wouldn’t’ve attended without him. He wasn’t entirely sure what Hannah saw in the guy anyway; he was the type of loser that would like his own photos on Instagram and use the 100 emoji unironically. They were on okay terms - Mike and Josh were in the same circles, and on more than one occasion Josh had gone out for a couple of drinks with him. But as a potential love interest for Hannah? No fucking way. He couldn’t think of one girl in their year that Mike hadn’t talked to, slept with or seen naked. 

And that Elliot guy? Well, he couldn’t really find anything that bad about him that made him a bad match for Sammy. But also, he couldn’t find anything good about him either - his only A+ subject was gym class, for god’s sake. He was completely unremarkable in the sense that his only redeeming factor was probably that he was in the track team like Sam. Josh groaned at the thought of them waking up early together and going on a run and playfully flirting and sweating and the like. Loser, he thought. Even his name sounds stupid. 

When he walks out onto the backyard porch, someone’s standing, shoulders hunched and elbows resting on the railing, and he knows it’s Sam. Figures, he thought. Josh knew from the start that that Eliott guy was an idiot. Her hair falls in a halo around her head as it hangs over the fence and he reaches out and twirls it around his finger. 

“You alright, Sammy?” 

She looks up at him and shakes her hair out of her face lazily, making him let go so as not to hurt her. 

“Do you think I’m unlovable?” she says it with a whine and he involuntarily imagines himself covering her mouth with his own. He hardly thinks she’s unlovable; he should know - he’s basically been in love with her since the moment they met. 

“I think you’re a lot of things,” Josh starts, taking his place beside her and resting his weight onto the fence. They’re standing close now, so that their shoulders are bumped against each other. “But I wouldn’t necessarily say unlovable.”

She makes an annoyed murmur and swats at him with the back of her hand, his arms lifting in defense. “Hey, I never specified whether the things in question were good or bad!” 

“You know this is like, the third time a guy’s stood me up?” 

“Third!?”

“Every single guy I’ve tried to talk to turns out to be an asshole.” When she sighs, she sighs with her whole body, slumping forward and picking at the splintering wood of the fence with her nail. It’s like a pin pushed through his heart when he mentions other guys. Of course, he knew that a girl as beautiful as Sam would be stolen from him by someone at some point in time, but he liked it better staying ignorant to the idea, and living in their little bubble of somewhere between friends and flirting. 

“Sometimes I just think that I’m the common denominator.” 

“Hey, they’re probably all losers anyway,” he says. Josh pokes her in the shoulder and she shoves back into him playfully. “You’re probably much cooler than all of them combined, with your little Save The Manatees badges.” 

“Joshh,” she rolls her eyes. “That was like ten years ago. And I still stand by that - they’re a dying breed!” 

He laughs and punches her on the shoulder. The way that she stays grounded in her beliefs (even after years) can’t help make his cheeks hurt; it’s one of his favourite traits of her’s - the fact that she cares. Unwaveringly. About everything, with all her heart. She’s so selfless that he’s sure that she would forgo all the happiness in the world for world peace or something noble like that.

“Just …. Joshing.” 

She punches him back and they’re laughing now. It’s times like these when he realises that moments like these most likely won’t be in the cards for him - not for crazy guys who imagine voices in his head. The hole in his stomach grows. Josh puts his arms up in surrender, raising his palms to the ceiling. “Hey, I’m kidding. Anybody would be insane to stand you up.” 

Sam doesn’t say anything, but she’s smiling and crossing her arms at the compliment like she doesn’t believe it. “You’re like, the most amazing girl I know- I mean look at you.”

She raises an eyebrow. “You mean it?” 

“Scout’s honour.” He crosses one hand over his heart and uses the other to stick a Marlboro Red 100 in his mouth from behind his ear. He gives her his lighter, and there’s a split second when their hands are touching for a bit longer than they should. Josh leans over to her so that the tip of the cigarette is almost touching her nose. It’s their tradition, despite Sam’s vehement protests against his susceptibility to lung cancer. She cups a hand beside his mouth to shield it from the wind, a small, intimate gesture, and with her left she flicks it lit. 

“Thank you, madam,” he jokes, and makes like he’s tipping his hat to her. Sam curtsies and tucks the lighter into his breast pocket. It’s warm where her hand was, over his heart like it’s protected by her touch. She peers over him and watches as he takes a long drag and inhales it into the cool air. The breeze is cool, but the smoke filling up his lungs mixed with the after effects of the beer makes him feel warm. Josh isn’t allowed to be drinking, but his next test is on Friday and there’s no way he’s not getting away with it, what with how much better he’s been doing lately. Maybe it’s because of all the time that he’s been spending with Sam - her goodness is rubbing off on him. Whatever it is, he hopes that he’s done enough so that next week the doctors will reduce his therapy sessions from once a week to once a fortnight. 

“Loosen up a bit, Sammy.” She’s looking at him a bit funny, readjusting herself like she wants to say something. “All that good samaritan behaviour must be exhausting.” 

“Okay, don’t judge me right now,” Sam turns herself towards him and looks up directly into his eyes, a small smile playing on her lips. He almost wants to look away. “But you’re making me kinda want to try it.” 

He almost chokes on his next puff, spluttering and covering his mouth with the back of his palm. 

“No fucking way,” For a second, he thinks she’s joking, but he’s looking up at her so earnestly that he’s startled. “I didn’t mean that - cigarettes aren’t even vegan, anyway.” 

“I know, I’m terrible!” She raises a hand to her forehead and feigns distress. 

It’s one of the moments that he realises he’s going to ruin her. That he always can’t help but ruin her, and she always can’t help but to let him. She’s still looking up at her and he tries his best not to smile back at her, but he can’t and he breaks into a chuckle. 

“Fuck no, Sammy, I’m not entertaining any of your secret vices.”

She pouts and he sighs. He will ruin her, he’s sure - and this is just the start of it. So Josh gives in, and positions himself behind her, so that he’s reaching over her shoulder to hand her the cigarette. She’s tucked into him so close that if he moved any closer he’d be up against her. When Sam takes it from his hands, she leans a bit closer into him so that her leg is pressed against his. If there was a pin in his heart from his crush on her, she just pulled it out and watched him explode. 

“One drag, okay?” 

Sam looks back at him and it’s then that he realises that she’s dangerously close to his mouth. She has it between her index finger and thumb gingerly, careful not to get any ash on her bare skin. “How do I do it?” 

He presses a hand to below her diaphragm. She’s almost flat against his chest now, and he tries his best to hide the tightness in his jeans. “Just a breath from here.” 

She nods and takes a breath, but coughs immediately, and they break apart from each other abruptly, Sam snorting with laughter. It only makes him shake his head, her contagious laugh infecting him too. When she laughs she grips onto his arm and it makes him want to take off that bit of skin and frame it - a dirty part of him that she cleansed with only her hand. 

“Okay, wait, wait, one more time.” She inhales it and then exhales into the air beside him and gags a bit through giggles. He picks it from her hand and holds it above her head out of her reach. “That’s all you’re getting.” 

Their interaction seems to have sparked her back to life, because later that night she’s back to her bubbly self. She’s happy (with someone else) and that’s the worst part. That’s all that he can see. Sam’s throwing her head back and laughing, and her nose scrunches a little bit - a gesture that was usually reserved for him. Her arms are crossed and her head is cocked slightly to the left, peering up at the guy in front of her through her eyelashes.

It’s ironic that they just had that conversation about her not needing a guy, and now she’s laughing it up with one- a real normal guy too. It’s Elliot; apparently he had ‘car problems’ - whatever that means (he doesn’t even drive!). She catches his eye and shoots him a huge smile and thumbs up, to which he has no choice but to smile back enthusiastically. He should’ve known that someone would’ve been charmed by her eventually, what with her gorgeous eyes and sunny smile. Josh’s heart prickles every time she laughs and smacks the other guy’s arm. It prickles so deeply that he’s numb when he goes home on the arm of another girl, and sleeps with her without really knowing why. 

It prickles so fervently that his sour mood continues for the rest of the week. The next two weeks he lives life like it’s a long cloudy dream, skipping his therapy sessions to sleep in all day and coming into school late and half-high. The girl from Mike’s party keeps messaging him on Instagram - when can i see u again xx - but he hasn’t bothered to even follow her back; it sickens him. She wishes it was Sam instead. Chris frequently makes joking offhand comments about how much of a mess he’s becoming, but as the days go by, the jokes quickly turn into grimaces and recommendations to the school therapist. He gets into a fight with a guy in his History class and has to spend Thursday afternoon writing lines. He’s a mess the next week too, until Beth grabs a hold of him Monday morning at the breakfast table. She’s storming into the dining room with her makeup half done, boots clattering hard against the wooden floor. “What the hell is wrong with you?!” 

Josh is eating his cereal with discontent - steady, mechanical clinks of his spoon scraping against the ceramic bowl. He shoots her a cloudy look, milk splattering all over the table as he drops his spoon with a clang. “What, so I can’t eat cereal now?” 

“You better give me one good reason why I shouldn’t believe that you’re the reason that Sam got suspended.” 

His heart stops. 

It's at this moment that the world feels like jell-o, and he’s confronted with the full force of the destruction his mood has left in its path. “Sam got suspended?” 

She loves me. 

Josh has a bad habit of smoking near the lockers and hiding the pack near the science labs. There were two reasons why he liked to do this. The first was that he had to do mandatory checks with the school nurse every few days to make sure that he wasn’t smoking or drinking, so it was a good hiding spot. None of the teachers ever looked there, and if they did, they’d just pretend they didn’t see. The other, more salient reason, was that Sam’s locker was there, and he could sneak a smile and sometimes even a note to her before getting to his class. 

“Yeah, and you know why?” Beth slams her hands down on the table, and with her force, his spoon clatters against the bowl even more. “Because you had left that pack of fucking Red 100s in the science labs, and she said they were hers .” 

Sammy. Of course she did. He wonders what had happened in his childhood that had caused his entire mood to hinge on the affection of this one girl. 

“You don’t even know they were mine,” Josh murmurs, and crosses his arms. He knows they’re his. 

“Name one other person who’s pretentious enough to smoke those.” She sighs in exasperation. “She can’t run in the track meet tomorrow and you know how much that means to her!” 

She really loves me.

She would get kicked off the track team for me.

I can’t let her do that to herself. 

Josh’s mouth becomes dry and it’s like the Wheat-o’s have turned to dust in his throat. He’s overcome with guilt. He knows now, there’s no reality where they can ever be together - there’s no reality that he won’t ruin her. It’s best if he stays far away from her, far away from the mess that he seems to cause wherever he goes. If only Josh hadn’t taught an angel how to smoke. If only she hadn’t let him. 

“I’m telling you this because I’m your sister and I love you,” Beth says, clasping a hand over his and squeezing tight. “Please, for the love of god, leave her alone.” 

next chapter