Hey, Hey Little Razor Blade.

..what do you want from me?

I suppose the reason I’m not honest with you is because I don’t trust you.  Please, make me trust you.  Your intentions are blurred from where I stand. 

you're still scum

even if I did have a few facts confused.

“You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

— A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

“Forgive yourself for the decisions you have made, the ones you still call mistakes when you tuck them in at night.”

— Sarah Kay (via wordsnquotes)

Better late than never, for memory’s sake. The most beautiful bouquet I’ve ever received. I am so grateful for my boyfriend, family, and friends. I am so blessed.

(Purple tulips for my favorite color and roses to keep it classic. I loved them!)

*others

precipitation

It’s 1:41 am and it’s raining outside. No one will ever know what the sound of rain drops hitting the ground means to me, but I’ll try to explain. When I was on heroin, I drove a beat up Toyota with no drivers side window. Every morning I’d wake up hoping it was dry outside. Regardless of the weather, rain, sleet, or snow, I’d still have to drive downtown to cop. Otherwise, I’d be miserably dope sick, unable to get out of bed. Back then, I didn’t watch the news because regardless of what that weather man said, I still had to go out and drive in it. Today, however, is different. Today I can watch the news, see that a storm is coming and plan ahead. Today I have a choice as to whether or not I drive in the current conditions. Hearing the rain tap the asfalt over and over again reminds me that I have a choice. It reminds me that I don’t ever have to use again. It reminds me that I made bad choices, but I’m not a bad person. It reminds me to help overs in this journey of recovery. It reminds me I lived through many things I shouldn’t have. It reminds me that I’m a miracle. It reminds me that we do recover.

Allow me to introduce ourselves

I’ll give a quick introduction, although I don’t particularly feel like it. My name is Maggie. I’m a newlywed with 3.5 years clean. I’m in recovery from drug addiction but I’ve spent most of my life being addicted to one thing or another. Most days, I still live on the “pink cloud” discusses in many Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I believe in God, but I won’t argue with you. I am a proud member of Narcotics Anonymous. I’m a college student by day and an underwater preformed by night. I’m a mermaid at the aquarium here in Nashville. We preform shows in tails to Disney songs underwater. I wait tables there too from time to time. I’ve had three tumblrs in my life time. The first one was found by my at the time girlfriend’s mother. I had to delete it due to the honesty it housed. The second one I had from then until 2016 when I was locked out of it because of the an email change. I’ve written both yahoo and tumblr regarding the issue to no avail. I plan on reblogging all my previous text entries to this tumblr so I can save them for memory. This is my third one. I believe my pain was in vain if I don’t use it to help others. Please, if you need/want anything, don’t hesitate to contact me. I will now post this text and begin another one about the day I’ve had.

Surprise, Tumblr, I have braces! Hopefully, I will have them off in ten weeks (making it four years that I’ve had them) and I will actually smile in public without having to think twice. My point is, look at the purple flowers!

“The only meaningful thing we can offer one another is love. Not advice, not questions about our choices, not suggestions for the future, just love.”

— Glennon Melton, Carry On, Warrior

Hi, TSU.

Tennessee State University.  Hi.  So far, you are friendly but not exactly welcoming.  I’m alone but for now it’s okay because I’m not sad today.  I don’t live here so to me the campus is huge and every step I take I feel like the campus swallows me a bit more.  My guess is, by the end of the week I’ll be okay.  I’ll know where my classes are better and know how to get here correctly.  I’m having second thoughts about not living on campus.  I mean look at me, I’m stuck is this big education portal with nothing to do and nowhere to go for an hour; and after my next class, I’ll be stuck doing nothing for another hour.  I wonder if I can still live on campus.  Or maybe, rent an appartment on campus or close, like they do at MTSU.  I know it will really hurt my parents but, I need to do what I need to do for my education right? Sometimes dad and I talk about what’s important.  He says he wishes he spent less time trying to make money for us and more time spending time with us.  So am I going to regret living in a dorm, or on my own rather becauyse of the lost time with my family?  Or am I going to regret not doing it because it’s so much harder on my for school?  I wish I could just stay the night down here two nights a week; Monday night and Tuesday night.  Maybe I’ll meet a friend that will let me stay with them some.  Like perhaps before exams or something.  I feel like I could make friends, but, Idk if anyone here is feeling me or not. It’s freaking hot.  Idk what to do.  To be real with myself, honestly I’m 99.9% I’ll be staying at home.  I suppose the drive is not that bad.  Maybe I’m just jealous of the college life everyone else is experiencing.  Or maybe, I’m just moody because I have a headache.  I hope it’s that one.  I’m going to try to redo my room.  Maybe that will make me feel like this whole thing is a new experience.