Have You Seen The New Show? It's On Tubu. It's Literally On Heebee. It's On Poodee With Ads. It's Literally

horror movie enjoyers will be having a terrible day and be like fuuuuuck i need to unwind….maybe nows the time to finally check out shit piss deathfest 2 . For a bit of lighthearted entertainment

Mark Rothko, Earth Green (detail), 1955

"Elevated horror" is becoming the new elitist fancypants industry term du jour I'm seeing all over the place so I wanna make it abundantly clear that I only write shit, I only write popular garbage and potboilers, and you're all just jealous of my jetpack.

*sassy gay friend from a 90s sitcom voice* Well, Mr. Emperor, I wouldn't mind having a 'heavenly man-date' of my own

I feel like adhd bored is different than neurotypical bored because like. You don’t understand. I have a billion things I could be doing. I turn on the tv. I stare at the Netflix screen for five minutes. Flip through shows and movies for the next thirty minutes. Nothing looks good. I put in a video game. Play for two minutes. Not feeling it. I load up YouTube. Watch half a video before closing the app. Maybe I’ll read a book? I stare at my giant bookshelf. The thought of starting a new book seems too hard. I lay in bed and play phone games for six hours. Nothing has gotten done. Still bored.

okay so uh. since the anniversary of the day i started hrt last year (and about like 2 months later absolutely panicked, stopped, and repressed(?) all of it as good as i could manage) is coming up, i thought i'd write smth about.. where things are at? or, i don't know, anything. cuz like i've been toying with the idea of.. starting again on that day, just casually considering it, and.. holy shit i just checked, i thought it was about a month away but it's just like two weeks >_<

about a million vague thoughts about it that all kinda go nowhere. i saw 'i saw the tv glow' about 3 months after i had stopped and it tore into the middle of me and left a gaping, pulsating void. i really don't wanna be near that feeling ever again. the more i sit and think about it, the clearer that becomes. can i imagine growing old in a male body? can i endure it? can i imagine growing old with 'could've almost been a real nb trans person' as part of my identity? cuz like. the 'nb' part of that isn't going anywhere, that much is clear by now and has been for.. a while. it just feels.. disappointingly un-real without the hrt, just like, a nice story i can tell myself about myself, without really much consequence to the people around me or on how they perceive me.

i said i never wanna be near that horrible void feeling again, but on the other hand, i'd really really like to feel how hrt made me feel again. maybe trying it again could at least sort out the question of how much of that beautiful, warm, optimistic feeling (until my body started doing things that scared me) and the subtle changes in how i perceived myself and the people around me was actually due to hormones and how much was.. psychosomatic? (is that even a different thing?) but i mean like in the way of.. just the euphoria to take that step, to make a real decision about this, and fixating really hard on the things i was hoping to get out of it..

…

but also thinking, like. it could be casual. that's.. allowed? i can always stop again if i arrive at the same point as the first time, that's not gonna kill me. drive me by some potentially really dark corners of my mind, but now i have seen those before. i can handle that. and also not having that terrifying feeling trying to bite me in the neck of 'it's gonna be this or death, so it's gotta be this' might help. cuz like. been there and back again now. i know i can.. survive without it. and in a lot of ways it would be easier.* and also i'm like existentially bored as shit anyways??

(*just writing something like that still makes a part of me scream out smth like 'but what beautiful experiences would i be denying myself!!', soo.. woof.)

might (should) write more about this in the next days. yeah.

one of the more bleak things to acknowledge is that if you pirate literally all of your music and then set aside a spotify subscription's worth of money each month to spend on a single pay-what-you-want album, it would almost immediately amount to you supporting those musicians more than streaming does

I know its a joke but "Poob has it for you" annoys me so much because Poob is region locked. Poob does NOT have it for you if you're outside of the US and Canada. I'm not using a VPN and virtual debit card just to sign up to Poob.

via @swatercolor [insta]