Melmel137 - At Least I'm Trying |

I used to scream ferociously any time I wanted.

when i felt like i was an old cardigan under someone’s bed you put me on and said i was your favorite 🌼

Not Taylor making an Alice in wonderland reference on the tonight show 😂

Keep reading

Taymily Masterpost

This is my attempt at trying to chronicle the brief yet significant relationship of Taylor Swift and Emily Poe. I’ve tried to get this as accurate as possible, based on what I could research off the internet. If I find more information or corrections, I’ll update this accordingly. 

Emily Poe (now Stumler) was primarily Taylor’s fiddle player during the Taylor Swift and Pre-Fearless era. Her linkedIn profile states that she was working with Taylor from July 2006 until January 2008. She lists that her duties included:  “[having] Aided in image management, artist relations, and marketing strategy for artist. Performed for all live shows as the fiddle player and background vocalist. Assisted in merchandise sales at venues.”

Prior to the release of Taylor’s debut album, Emily was already hired as part of the band. Majority of their time together was spent on the road as Taylor became the opening acts of multiple country artists. Thus, this timeline will be heavy with journal mentions, pictures, and videos from their stops on tour, life on the bus, etc. which are labeled accordingly.

——2006——

**I find Taylor’s MySpace Bios from around that time very interesting. :)

2006-early 2008 = “I’ve never been the kind of girl who needs a boyfriend. I don’t go out looking for guys. But then again, I don’t write alot of love songs. Basically.. I’m single.” (x)

2008 = “I’ve never been the kind of girl who needs a boyfriend. I believe that love will find you when you’re not looking for it.. So I’ve been actively NOT looking for it for about 3 years now. I’ll let you know how that works out for me. It probably doesn’t help that I write songs about every guy I talk to.” (x) 

July 22 - [Journal Entry] First mention of Emily with Taylor basically fangirl-ing over her (x)

July 24 - First live performance with Emily

 Live @ The Whiskey a Go Go (video) where Taylor dropped this bit when introducing the band: “This is Emily over here on fiddle. Now Emily has a boyfriend, but she has agreed that what happens in LA stays there.” [3:56 mark]

Tim McGraw Performance with Nathan Chapman & Emily - (x) (x) [unknown specific date]

Rhapsody TV performances - (x) (x) [unknown specific date]

Performing at a football game with Scott Borchetta & Emily - (x) (x) [unknown specific date]

September 1 - Grand Ole Opry debut performance (x 1:34 mark)

October 19-28 & November 1-3 - On Tour with Rascal Flatts as an opening act replacing Eric Church (x) (x) (x)

——2007——

January 11 to March 3 - On Tour with George Strait as an opening act (x) 

January 12 - [Journal Entry] their first show with George Strait and being domestic with Emily on the bus (x)

January 17 - [Journal Entry] talks about Emily and the ‘Teardrops on My Guitar’ MV shoot (x) 

February 12 - [Journal Entry] mentions Emily and their Grey’s Anatomy watching rituals on the bus (x)

May 30 - Taylor sang the Original Version of ‘Sparks Fly’ (which she wrote in 2006 before releasing ‘Tim McGraw’) at a show in Gold Country Casino in CA. The next few times she performed it that year were in bar shows with around only 40-50 people. 

April - September - select dates of Brad Paisley’s Bonfires & Amplifiers Tour

Pranking Rodney Atkins (video) (x) - November ½ as of her MySpace Journal Entry (the last of which she mentions Emily by name or at all)

fooling around backstage with standees of Brad (x)

June - September - select dates of Tim McGraw & Faith Hill’s Soul2Soul Tour (x) (x) (x) (x)

October - duo Halloween costume as ‘The Wreckers’ with Taylor as Michelle Branch & Emily as Jessica Harp (x) (x) (x) 

November - Taylor’s First CMAs performance (her last with Emily as part of the whole band). (x)

December

CMT’s Studio 330 Sessions (pictures) / (videos)

Taylor’s MySpace journal entry dated Dec. 05, 2007 - where she mentions meeting Colbie Caillat and says they “got together and wrote a killer song”

Emily attends Taylor’s 18th Birthday party at Lot 7 in Nashville (pictures) (x) / (MV for the song ‘Beautiful Eyes’ released in 2008 using footage from the party)

—-TOUR VIDEOS/MOMENTS ON TOUR/STUFF ON THE BUS [specific dates are unknown]—-

With Scott Brochetta & label officials at Big Machine Records - (x)

Emily in a cheerleader outfit - (x) (x) 

With fans/other musicians/friends - (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x)

With Mama Swift - (x) (x)

Just the two of them - (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x)

the “Gay Texan” picture - (x)

Taylor & Emily in a restaurant playing with utensils - (x) Emily says at the end, “People are getting really mad” while Taylor laughs

2007 Summer Vacation to the Grand Canyon - (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x)

Setting fire to a Dora the Explorer cake - (x) (x) 

A compilation of her tour diaries - (x) Emily appears multiple times

*Taylor’s MySpace Video for Emily - which featured Taylor and many different people holding up a handwritten sign that read “I love you, Emily ❤️ [hand drawn heart]”, a letter to her from Taylor, apart from a montage of their moments together set to ‘Stolen’ by Dashboard Confessional as the background song (’you have stolen my heart’ is a repeated lyric).

the letter, reads: “Emily– I feel as if our relationship has been taken to the next level over the past few months and with much contemplation I decided I would bestow upon you one of my most prized possession: my flamingo bandana. This is a 3rd generation family heirloom and i suggest you frame it. I think it will look perfect in your apartment with the cat pillows. Enjoy”

——2008——-

January - Grand Ole Opry Performance / Last Documented-Live Performance with Emily (x)

July - ‘Beautiful Eyes’ EP release / Taylor posted the video for ‘I’m Only Me When I’m With You’ which includes snippets of Emily since a lot of the footage was taken from her tour diaries.

November - ‘Fearless’ release date -> “Breathe” ft. Colbie Caillat 

in addition to the fact that it was written around the time she lasts mentions Emily by name on her blog (or at all), Taylor’s explanation about writing ‘Breathe’ points it very much towards Emily. (part 1) (part 2)

Taylor: “It was total therapy because I came in and I was like look you know one of my best friends, I’m going to not have to see anymore and is not going to be part of what I do and it’s like the hardest thing to go through.  It’s crazy listening to the song because you’d think it’d be about a relationship, but it’s really about losing a friend and having a fallout, just the loss.”

Colbie: “It can relate to anyone, anything.”

Taylor: “It does, it’s never specific as to why, that’s my favorite thing about it, it doesn’t talk about why or who’s fault it was because sometimes the hardest time of when you say goodbye it’s nobodies fault. It just has to stop.”

The lyrics tell the story so well, honestly. (x) especially the repeated and haunting ‘i’m sorry’

 Did I mention the song’s secret message on the album was ‘i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry’ as well? (x)

——————-

2011 - 3 years later…

VH1 posts a pop-up video for ‘Our Song’ and basically challenges the reason on Emily’s departure. It explains that she was allegedly fired without being given a reason and that “Taylor never talked to her again”. Thus further fueling the idea that “Breathe” was really about Emily and that it was more than just a ‘friendship falling out’. 

In January/February 2012, Emily & her husband’s wedding/love story was featured in an article. She cites a bit of her time with Taylor and says that it led her to pursue law school thus leaving music (and Taylor) for good. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

“…I started with watching her on the road,” she explained. “She had just started and I lived with her on the bus with her mom, and I was watching you know, deals come through. She got this deal with Verizon and instead of - you know, I loved music - but I would sit there and read the contracts. I thought, I think I really want to do this. So when I came off the road I pretty much went straight to law school. I loved contracts. “The last week I was working for her ‘Our Song’ was Number 1,” she continued. “So I watched a growth of the artist. There’s tons of business involved, that’s what people don’t realize. It’s more than just the music.”

🌋 when your reputation is not a pretty sight, i will tarnish my own image to match your frame; dust coated glass, speckles of stars filling into the cracks. i will meet you down at the bottom, my love.

🌋

folklore tracklist [pt 2]

Queer Analysis - All Too Well

For me personally, and for many Swifties, I’m sure, All Too Well has a special place in our hearts. There’s something so raw and emotional about that song. Taylor’s music has always been personal, but this one feels extra special somehow…

My personal belief is that it’s about Emily Poe, so this analysis is built around a Taymily narrative. Because of this I’m gonna link to @karlieskupkake’s Taymily master post again, since it was a significant help in getting the timeline straight (or not 🌈🌈) when writing this.

As always the credit for the lyrics used here goes to AZLyrics and I ask you all to remember that I’m not claiming anything presented in this analysis is fact, it’s all just speculation.

Now let’s deep-dive into this heart-wrenching masterpiece of a song!

–

I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,

But something ‘bout it felt like home somehow.

–

So our story starts around late October/early November 2006 when Taylor and the gang from the early days (this obviously includes Emily) were on tour with Rascal Flatts (x) In the opening lines Taylor describes walking through a door with someone, a door into a venue where they were going to be playing that night perhaps? The air was cold, indicating autumn (the rest of the song has an autumn theme to it too) so October/November and the Rascal Flatts tour still fits.

Then Taylor talks about how even though they were walking in somewhere unfamiliar to her and the air around them was cold and probably unpleasant as really chilly autumn air can be, she still felt at home because she was with this special someone, the previously mentioned (and gender-neutral) “You.” If we assume that “You” is Emily, could Taylor be indicating that even though they were on the road and all this touring and preforming was a new world to her she still felt at home because she was not only living her dream, but she also had her girlfriend at her side.

–

And I left my scarf there at your sister’s house,

And you’ve still got it in your drawer even now.

–

In the next few lines it seems that Taylor specified exactly where she walked through the door to in those previous lines, it would seem she’s perhaps not on the road touring, but at her lover’s sister’s house. It’s the first time she’s there and yet she ends up feeling so at home that she left her scarf there and her lover kept it and has held onto it ever since. 

Well, may I suggest that the line about the sister was thrown in as a #NoHomo? Many of the het fans seem to think this song is about Jake Gyllenhaal and well Mr. Gyllenhaal happens to have a sister named Maggie, so perhaps that line was an attempt to encourage the het interpretation that the song is about him? Admittedly I have no idea if Emily has a sister too, perhaps, but regardless I would argue that the “sister”-part of this isn’t the important one, the “scarf” part is. In Taylor’s video for Emily (x) a letter (from Taylor to Emily) is shown, part of the letter says the following:

“I decided I would bestow upon you one of my most prized possession: my flamingo bandana.” 

What’s a bandana, again? Oh that’s right a type of scarf. Taylor gave Emily her bandana or “scarf” and it wouldn’t be a stretch to assume she has it even now, maybe in a drawer…? 

As far as I know it’s not known when exactly the letter mentioning the bandana was written, but in another part of the letter it does say: 

“I feel as if our relationship has been taken to the next level over the past few months” 

well, during the Rascal Flatts tour in October/November Emily had worked for Taylor for a few months (since July) so perhaps Taylor wrote Emily the letter and gave her the bandana when they first started dating while on the road with Rascal Flatts?

–

Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze.

We’re singing in the car, getting lost Upstate.

Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place,

And I can picture it after all these days.

–

Here Taylor’s referring to being new (or wide-eyed) to something, perhaps the music industry itself, on October 24th 2006 Taylor’s debut album was released, so in November she was still pretty new to it all, wouldn’t you say? She also refers to perhaps what made her fall for Emily, her kind nature (or “sweet disposition”) she was there for Taylor in the beginning when it was all new, through that whole wide-eyed experience Taylor had Emily at her side, they were both innocent newbies back then.

Here’s what makes me think we’re specifically talking about the Rascal Flatts tour, Taylor claims they (her and Emily, and perhaps anyone else in the car) were singing and getting lost upstate. Well, the final date for the tour was November 3rd and they were playing in Albany, New York, aka UPSTATE.  (I’m sure they played other places upstate too though) Singing in a car and getting lost sounds like early touring fun to me.

Then Taylor mentions autumn leafs falling like pieces into place, this sounds like Taylor figuring out her feelings for Emily were more than friendship and when they entered a relationship (or “took their relationship to the next level”) after those first few months of being friends it all started making sense, or falling into place; just like the leafs tend to do during the autumn months when the tour was happening and the girls first started dating.

I don’t know exactly when All Too Well was written, but I have heard that it was the first song Taylor wrote for Red and that it took a long time to finish. Regardless of when it was written though it must’ve been a long time after her and Emily broke up, but even though the years had passed Taylor could still see those early days of their relationship so clearly. She could picture the start of it even many years (or “days”) after it ended.

Fun fact: Liz Rose was a co-writer on All Too Well despite not having written with Taylor for years at that point. Rose is however known to have had a hand in many songs on both Taylor Swift and Fearless, so in other words she was significant during the “Emily-era” of Taylor’s romantic life, but has stated that she was surprised when Taylor suddenly called her again after so many years asking for help with All Too Well. I don’t know about you, but I feel the seemingly random return of a co-writer who hadn’t worked with Taylor since the Emily-days is significant… (x)

–

And I know it’s long gone,

And that magic’s not here no more,

And I might be okay,

But I’m not fine at all.

–

Taylor knows that the relationship was years ago and that it and whatever connection she and her lover had (“magic”) is no more and she’s okay with that, for the most part…Okay, so sometimes she’s not, at all…These lines make it seem like Emily was the one who got away, we all have trouble getting over our first love or first real significant relationship. Given that Taylor was 16 at the start of her relationship with Emily and presumably was with her for years their relationship seems to fit that bill pretty well.

–

‘Cause there we are again on that little town street.

You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over at me.

Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.

–

It seems that the biggest reason Taylor has such trouble getting over the subject of this song is because random significant moments from their relationship keep coming back to her in a crystal clear way, as if it happened yesterday when it was in fact years ago. She remembers all the little moments spent in cars and on buses during early touring (remember, Emily lived with Taylor and Andrea on the tour bus at one point) all too well, all too clearly and she can’t seem to let them go…They were a significant part of her life, not just romantically, but professionally, this was the start of her career and Emily was there for all of it, of course such a central person in her life on so many levels would be hard to let go of.

–

Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red.

You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin sized bed

And your mother’s telling stories about you on a tee ball team

You taught me 'bout your past, thinking your future was me.

–

They spent so much time together during those days that they even introduced each other to their families (it seems Emily was even with the Swifts on vacation in 2007.) Taylor got to know Emily’s parents, who told embarrassing childhood stories about her, making her blush in that stereotypical way parents are supposed to when you bring home a partner for the first time. I think what Taylor is saying here is that Taymily was like most young love stories, even in the sense that they thought they were going to be together forever (“You taught me 'bout your past, thinking your future was me.”)

–

And I know it’s long gone

And there was nothing else I could do

And I forget about you long enough

To forget why I needed to…

–

In my Love Story analysis I talk about how I think Taylor’s label/management may have had a hand in separating Taylor and Emily after Emily’s mysterious and sudden firing. In these lines I think Taylor’s apologizing. She’s saying:

“Hey Emily, I know this was all a long time ago, but I want you to know that there was nothing I could do about the firing/decisions from the label/management. They encouraged me to forget about you and I did, long enough to forget how intense my feelings were for you in the first place.”

You see to me it seems like something awakened Taylor’s dormant, intense emotions that Andrea has mentioned came out during the writing of this song. (x)

To me it makes perfect sense, this was perhaps her very last Taymily song and something made all the feelings come back to her and spurred her to write it after so many years, maybe a recent meeting/interaction with Emily where she had a chance to talk about the past and apologize for her part in their abrupt ending? More on this later though…

–

'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night.

We’re dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light

Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah.

–

Another flashback to a sweet moment making it hard for Taylor to let go of the relationship. Interestingly she references stairs here, a romantic motif used in several Taylor songs (Sparks Fly for example, which I coincidentally also believe may be about Emily.)

–

Well, maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,

But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up.

Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.

–

I don’t think the “You” in the “you tore it all up”-line necessarily refers to Emily, I think it might be referring to Taylor’s management/label. Similarly I think that the “lost-in-translation”-line might be referring to how much of the end of this relationship were handled by them rather than by Taylor and Emily themselves.

The label/management decided to fire Emily and then Taylor was most likely “strongly encouraged” to break off the relationship, Taylor and Emily had no control over how their relationship ended and maybe Taylor’s apology got “lost in translation” in the sense that she didn’t get to personally tell Emily that she was sorry for the way it was all handled and that breaking up wasn’t her choice? Obviously I don’t know the specifics of how the firing/breakup went down, but it seems likely that the decision was out of Taylor’s hands (see: “there was nothing else I could do”)  

“Maybe I asked for too much” could be referring to how Taylor realized that trying to be in a gay relationship and maintain the image her management/label wanted for her in the early days was “asking for too much” basically she could have either Emily or the fame, but not both, at least not according to the people in charge. This is where the masterpiece-line comes in, Taylor’s saying that her relationship was beautiful and working out, before the higher-ups decided to get involved and deemed Emily “inappropriate” for Taylor’s image.  

So what about “running scared”? Well, imagine this for yourself, you’re an up-and-coming young artist in a conservative genre (such as country) and you happen to be gay, your management tells you that being with your girlfriend will have a negative impact on your public image and thus your popularity and success in the business you’ve wanted to make it in your entire life. Your career is finally starting to take off and now the people who know the business are suddenly telling you it might all get taken away if you don’t end your current relationship. Wouldn’t you get scared? Well, Taylor did and although she might regret letting “the adults” handle her personal affairs to the degree that they did back then, she also remembers getting scared for the future of her budding career. In fact she remembers that feeling too well to blame herself. However, she does feel bad she let this significant relationship end in that way.

–

Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise.

So casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here

'Cause I remember it all, all, all… too well.

–

These may in fact be some of my favorite Taylor Swift lyrics of all time, but what do they mean? 

Earlier I suggested that something must’ve prompted Taylor to write this song after all these years. Well, what if that something was a phone call from Emily wanting to inform Taylor that she was recently engaged? Andrea said the episode where Taylor came on stage having clearly cried and started scream-singing what would eventually become All Too Well happened in late 2010, well Emily officially got engaged in February 2011. (x) Maybe her and her husband had been discussing getting engaged and so Emily knew it was coming and decided she better call and “warn” Taylor in order to spare her feelings and make sure she wouldn’t find out from someone else that her first love was getting married. 

Like I said, Emily thought she was sparing Taylor’s feelings by doing this, but in fact it just hurt and so she was being cruel without realizing just by telling Taylor something true, aka “casually cruel in the name of being honest.”

This phone call caused all the intense feelings that had been dormant for years to wake up in Taylor and as that intensity came back to her when they hung up she started crying and became as broken and crushed and hopeless as a crumbled up piece of paper. Due to the sudden firing and lack of association with each other since then Taylor didn’t really get closure for the relationship and maybe part of her had always hoped her lost love would come back someday, but here she was now telling Taylor she was moving on. Remember earlier Taylor referred to the relationship as a torn up masterpiece? Well, the typical image of artistry is that when an artist scraps their work, they crumple the piece of paper they’re working on and throws it away. Well the artistic work that was Taylor and Emily’s relationship has now officially been scrapped and there’s no chance at a romantic reunion for them despite any promises they might’ve made to each other that they were going to try again someday.

Taylor’s heart was broken by this phone call just like the empty promise made to her in her youth. (Wow, that’s depressing 💔💔)

–

Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it

I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it

–

They say time’s supposed to heal all wounds and given enough time you should be able to get over anyone or anything. Time will pass and then suddenly without you knowing how it happened you’re just supposed to realize you haven’t thought of your long-lost love in ages and you feel fine without them. Well for Taylor time barely passes and she feels trapped in this loop where she still remembers details of her relationship with Emily far too well to ignore them or move on regardless of how much time has passed. While her ex is moving on Taylor is standing there, in the same spot, paralyzed and unable to let go.

She might be saying that she’d like to be the person she was before things with Emily ended, the person who was carefree and hopeful when it came to love, who believed in love, but somehow she can’t seem to find her and therefore she’ll never again become the less jaded version of herself that she used to be.

–

After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own

Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

–

Wait, wait, wait, hold the fuck up! “plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own” is the most obvious reference to lesbian love and/or sex that I have ever freaking heard, yeah I don’t think this line needs explaining…

As for the next line, maybe mailing back Taylor’s things (left at Emily’s) was something Emily did when their relationship had just ended as to avoid being in direct contact since Team Taylor didn’t want them to associate.

–

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week

'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me

You can’t get rid of it 'cause you remember it all too well, yeah

–

Either way it seems Emily didn’t mail back ALL of Taylor’s things, she kept the bandana/scarf that Taylor gave to her along with the letter the very first week they dated. It reminds Emily of Taylor and of innocent, first love and she can’t get herself to get rid of it since she also had a hard time moving past this relationship.

–

'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so

Back before you lost the one real thing you’ve ever known

It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

–

They both get flashbacks to the relationship’s happier days when their love was true. I tend to assume Emily is bi since she was with Taylor and now she’s married to a man, but this line seems to imply that she’s actually a lesbian dealing with compensatory heterosexuality. (It’s interesting that Emily mentions in the article I linked above that one of her reasons for leaving both Taylor and music behind and instead pursuing law school was that she “knew she wanted a husband and children” many people who work in the music industry do have families, but a stereotype about gay people is that we do not.) So maybe Emily convinced herself that her attraction to Taylor was a fluke and she’s straight, thus Taylor pointing out that their relationship was “the one real thing” Emily has ever known makes sense, because it was the only same-sex relationship she had the courage to be in and when it ended she went back to her compensatory straightness. (This theory was first brought to my attention here)

Or you know, maybe Taylor’s just saying that she (regardless of gender, because again, bisexuality exists) is Emily’s true love thus making the relationship the only “real” one Emily with ever have, because it was with her true love.

She then states that what they had was rare (once in a lifetime kinda love?) and that she knows and remembers that because she was there and she remembers the intensity of their feelings for each other.

–

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all

Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all

It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

–

Finally it’s stated that they both know that what they have was special and that the moments they had together will always matter, they will always remember them.

–

Wow, that is one beautifully heartbreaking, but very long song!  It took much longer than I anticipated analyzing this so my The Moment I Knew analysis will be up tomorrow instead of later today, pushing the Hey Stephen analysis you’ve all been waiting for forward to Tuesday, I hope that’s okay. I also hope you enjoyed reading this and that I didn’t emotionally break you! (I kinda emotionally broke myself but that’s fineeeeeeeee 🙃 🙃 )

When you see them back to back like this...very compelling in my opinion 😂💕🌼

Fruity the film ....

Fruity is a BBC New Creatives short film funded by Arts Council England and BBC Arts. A lonely lesbian is plagued with intrusive thoughts of fruit 🍇🍓🍌

Jup, that’s Kaylor on the wall …

https://www.instagram.com/fruitythefilm/