— Theodore Roethke, From “Straw For The Fire.”

i had this reoccuring dream of my younger self and my mom hidden in a room where every wall is hidden in red curtains they go to the top the ground is black with random orange and yellow dots like a design you would see on the seat of a bus. there is a door i always forget when i wake up. i don't know whats behind it and i doubt i will ever find out. recently i had this dream again. the thing is i don't know if i actually had this dream before it just felt so familiar like i have seen it before but i haven't it needs to be in another dream. in this dream i had recently i was in the living room panicking i could see trough the slit in the door that the people are coming to get me. randomly i see a hole in the ceiling like skylight i can see the room from the way down but the rectangular hole is too small for me to fit through. i can actually not even really see the room but i know that it is the one with the red curtains. i have this bitter feeling. maybe i've dreamed this as a kid before but now it is hidden behind a foggy wall luring me in to forget everything. there is something hiding behind those red curtains. i will come back to this if i ever see the red curtains again

the only thing more embarrassing than cringy poetry is being so afraid of feeling embarrassed that you don't even try to make anything at all

{2022} ölmondnacht https://youtu.be/XKdzefLROB8

Donato Giancola: Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep: The Lovers (detail), 2009

i feel like i don't really know what love is

like all the time i searched for it and craved it in every girl that was nice to me or even wasn't but now after i watched this movie i don't think i know what love means. it seems so unconditional and pure and i always thought that i know what love is and what it feels like and that i've been in love with people even if they didn't share the same. i look at my brother and his girlfriend and i see such purity and unconditional love in their eyes. but when i think back i don't know if i ever really felt that for a person. all the "love" i felt for people always had a mildy fear of pain. the fear that they don't love me back and if i act like that now that they won't like me anymore and i lose them. and in fact it mostly ended like that everytime. people get so sick of me and seem to forgot me quickly that i already had forgotten me. i think love will come but i don't know if i'm capable to really feel it or if i'm really getting irritated then. love is such a complex emotion. i always thought i had it but now i don't know if my feelings will ever got over the "you're my crush please notice me" phase. or is this already the love everyone is talking about because it sure doesn't feel like it.

actually i should go to sleep i'm really tired and i propably just think to much into it right now and tomorrow i will wake up and think what have i written yesterday? and the thought will fade away like real love does

or does it?

                                                             3:41 AM

blurry is the only way i can see you

lately I’ve been Overcome With Emotion