E Rated Fics Masterlist (29)

I am convinced that it happened.

I have an everlark headcanon now, that after their “you love me. real or not real?”/“real” moment, it’s like a barrier breaks for katniss and she can’t stop saying “i love you” to peeta. she’ll put her hands up to her cheeks to feel her smile as she says it. she’ll whisper it to him again and again as they lie in bed. she’ll make herself smile as she thinks it while watching him work and will just blurt it out at random when peeta doesn’t even expect it. she’ll say it in a sing song way, in a hushed way, in a breathy way. she’ll just love that she can finally vocalise what she’s felt for so long and she’ll want him to know it all the time.

oh yes, i am

frothing at the mouth over Ekko, that is

Ekko's got to be some ultimate form of wish fulfilment. He could be in love with anyone! And he falls for his less then stable, childhood best friend, turned enemy, come terrorist, ender of multiple friends, bringer of shimmer, nightmare of a mobster's daughter instead! You just knoooow all the girlies who think they're unlovable, too much trouble are frothing at the mouth over him.

my ship dynamic

also this is how you'd flirt with me

this is so momtara and dadko coded

I love that in Catching fire Katniss comes to the conclusion the other tributes are trying to keep Peeta alive because they must see how amazingly perfectly wonderful he is. When in actuality that’s just her having a crush and everyone else recognizing that if Peeta gets hurt Katniss will go fully feral and unhinged and probably try to kill everyone and then herself.

yep, still me, still hung up on the timebomb tragedy, especially Ekko's part of it.

they are both shattered by what happened in their lives, both incredibly hurt, but, as I see it...

just imagine it went like this:

where Jinx thinks she decides to become Jinx, embody that insane, dangerous, devil-may-care explosive persona - all of it just to try and keep herself from breaking completely; just to try and give back to Silco who she saw as a father, as someone who didn't get scared by her pain, rage and voices (all the while not being a particularly good influence on her), just to not be Powder, the weak one, the outcast one, the clingy one -

to finally own and channel the jinx she came to see herself as -

Jinx got to swim in all the darkness she had within herself, drown in it, and flood the Lanes with it, free, destructive, and openly poisonous.

Jinx. The insane one. The killer one. The Loose Cannon.

- and Ekko never allowed himself to do that. he choked on his pain, swallowed it, allowed it to seep into his very bones. endured. built. provided for his community. resisted, repressed, redirected all the evil he knew in himself.

he couldn't afford to break. no. too much to lose, nothing to lose, no one to really talk to about what is eating him alive.

because how do you talk about missing your childhood friend-turned maniac... and actually missing the maniac that wore the face of Powder? who do you talk to?

how can you explain, even to yourself, that the people around you are not enough and you are longing for a connection long severed?

how can you say to your community that relies on you that you are actually a horrible hypocritical person who hates everything and sometimes everyone? who has to spend hours reminding himself that Powder is gone and Jinx is a monster and needs to be dealt with?

who enjoys fighting her? (it is exhilarating and freeing, and being in her orbit makes it okay for him to be a little insane and cruel, too - no one will notice,

Jinx outshines everyone).

Ekko knows it about himself, and hates it about himself, and has to be strong, to atone for the treacherous thoughts of missing Jinx, and not Powder, and pay for it with even more work.

say nothing, show nothing,

they all rely on you, you cannot let them down.

you cannot let them know how corrupted you are,

Boy Saviour.

Ekko's entire story is loss, grit, dying-but-never-dead hope, and pain.

He loses his parents, his found family, his best friend, his aspirations, and life he might have wanted for himself, he loses people to Shimmer and Silco left and right,

he loses hope to get Powder back.

he tells everyone - and himself most of all, - how much Jinx is irredeemable and beyond saving, how she should be stopped, but he can never do it.

but why? why can't he ever let go of Powder?

oh, only because of what was and what could have been. all the dreams and nightmares of the past he has, all his daydreams that flood his brain whenever he's too exhausted to fend them off - they all include her (Powder, Jinx, doesn't matter, really).

only because she knew him inside and out one day. this bond that stretches across years, persists and festers for all it could have been but is not.

it's the only love that stayed from that glossed-over, barely remembered childhood - and even this love is warped, poisoned, stomped at,

always dying, never dead.

she is the only tether to his soft years. the only living proof it was real. she is his person, his... kismet, the worst blessing, the best enemy.

she stole what they could have had from him, she killed his friends, she tried to kill him - and somewhere deep down it never mattered.

and why would it?

Powder became a story. a symbol. just a dead girl who used to be his closest friend, the one he showed all his findings and inventions to, the one who knew all his secrets -

the one who left him. abandoned him. like he was nothing - when he felt in his bones: he was her person, too.

so Powder became a story, a memory, a wound, and stories never die, and memories fade, and wounds that are scratched open again and again, never heal.

if you resent and hold a grudge against someone, yet keep missing them as you remember them, as you could have known them and had them in your life - how can you let go? how can you forget?

replaying all the memories over and over, thinking what you could have done differently -

and he has to hurt his person. over and over, and over again. swing at her, hit her, plan to destroy her.

can you imagine the anguish? the pain? the powerlessness to change anything?

every time raising his fist means adding one more haunting memory to his cognitive dissonance. the girl he loved, the girl he misses, the rabid maniac with a gun who wears her face - lies, lies, he knows her inside and out still, and it is painful and hopeless, and he can't quit remembering, missing and daydreaming.

he hurts and hopes and loses, and loses, and loses - her and his life as it was with her in it.

he loses again.

but it's not about a girl, per se.

their love has always been life-affirming and full of joy and admiration first. romantic love came later.

it's about their life that crumbled in their palms.

fighting like playing, trying to kill only to have a chance to get closer because everything else is forbidden.

*

nothing is as haunting as a life never lived,

and a love never explored.

and they were both to each other.

they were trying so hard to pretend they didn't give up, pretend they are only adversaries, and only the bad blood ties them to each other.

they succeeded, but only just.

love never lived, life never shared. the closest soul turned enemy.

that is their tragedy.

experiencing the hunger games renaissance through twitter for the first time is so beautiful

experiencing the hunger games renaissance through twitter for the first time is so beautiful

can we talk about peeta - the one that fandom & probably most other characters within the universe itself misguidedly believe is weaker than katniss and a pacifist that refuses to kill - murdered brutus, the largest and most athletic/muscular tribute in the arena, a man both three times peeta's size and twice his age, with probably decades of physical training and bloodlust under his belt... and he did it because the love of his life was in danger??

"My nightmares are usually about losing you. I'm okay once I realize you're here" - Peeta, Cathing Fire