Don't Know When And How It Happened But I've Slowly Come To Terms With My Adulthood. From A Child Who

Actually really really hate how spiteful my mom is. Towards herself and most especially towards me. I tell her I didn't move in with her just to pay for my own transport to school and pay for my own food too and she starts acting like I smell.

Move away from the same seat as me and wrinkles her nose when I pass. She's acted like this for so long, I hate that I loved her so much I didn't see it for what it is.

Who am I going to tell that I needed you more than I need air? That I knew that I was going to be okay but I needed you to tell me in words, I needed you to know I'd be okay and say it to me. Who will I tell that your prayers would have gone the longest to soothe me? No one, so I'll write it here.

I'll write here that in the moments when you didn't answer, in the dead of the nights when you could have met my needs, my hope dragged on and on. I had important things to do but I kept hoping your name would pop up and that you'd say the magic words and everything would get better, that you'd reply just at the right moment for everything to go back to being good. This is important to me, you know it is, I've spent months spooling myself up so I can be ready for this. Who better to have seen how tightly my spools had gone round and round? Who better to check if they'll keep that way, till after the critical moments?

Not you, I guess. Not you at all, that's fine. I've been taught a lesson I already know but in my knowing I've found experience with you. Romantic love will make your heart pound but only your friends will save you. I didn't have to be experienced in this tho, you could have made sure I only know it, not felt it.I know now that I don't need you, I never did. Not in the literal sense of the word. I want you, so acutely it presents as need. Each time I feel it more strongly than the last and I don't meet you in those moments, I come away knowing that I can need you and not get you and still thrive. That's not a good thing to know if you're in love, I guess but I guess everyday I need you less and less and now I just have to find other things to love about you, the fact that you fulfill my need is no longer part of it.

Took me too long to write this down.

Too long that now, my mind has overcooked my thoughts and abd this version might now be heavier, weightier and still mean nothing at all.

This is my POV, there is no part of this that reflects anyone in a way I did not perceive them, their image in these words are from a mirror that I made from my mind, my memories. Nothing else.

I hear the word codependent and think 'That doesn't describe me.' I've found out now, I'm at risk.

I talk about how much my friends save me, that's now. Before, things were different. I've always been in danger of getting my heart broken by myself, how I wholly immerse myself in being that one friend you can't discard, shaping myself to please, to impress, to look up to, to emulate. It's always with one particular person, thank God. There'd be nothing left of me otherwise, stretched to thinness from my folding and cutting over multiple people, my friendship monogamy saved my life.

I don't remember a first that is not B, she was the moon to me, I longed for her approval, ready to be her minion. All she had to do was exist, I wanted to be seen by her, cherished the way I cherished her. I tried so hard to hold on to her but I saw even then that I didn't fit her mould, she wanted things and people and an image and sometimes, I wasn't in these images and so I was left behind, often. At Navy for GCEs. That's all on that episode, that was the first time it started. Or the first time I saw. Years passed and texts looked like that line from the Eilish song.

Our conversation's all in blue, eleven 'hey's.

I saw her convos with other people and I wanted to be them, have half of what she had with them. It couldn't happen, maybe it was me, maybe it was her, it doesn't matter. I wasn't used by her. I used myself by myself. I wanted to be close to her so much and I was, I took every part of her she gave but I was never going to get what I wanted but I didn't think of that and so never realised it and I held on and on. Used myself up to fill a longing for kinship. Why? I don't know. My retrospection has left that corner of my mind.

I don't regret. It's such a waste to regret. I hate that I didn't learn this part of myself sooner, that way I'd have avoided doing the same for M. I don't remember much, she was not as intellectually challenging as B. There was no game to her words, they showed all the depth that they had immediately she spoke them but still I bent, backward and forward for her to see me, to like me. I am my own danger, years again of being what I would hate later, something I couldn't forgive. I gave her precedence over my sister. More than once. That's all. I do not remember how I came to devolve. But M came with more drama, a ruined reputation and a family gathering where I wasn't there. It's a pity really, that event taught me shame in a weird way and still I fold. In bigger pieces now but still for her, for her family. I forgive myself her.

I am needy and selfish with people, that is the core of my problem. Like a leech, I am clingy to the point of pain. I will not leave till I've been embarrassed. I will also not turn back.

It isn't shocking then that the last time I'll cling, it will be to a MB. Oh, how closely did I cling. It's not embarrassing this time. I started to unravel myself with her, started learning what my issue was. Spoke about it like a warning. 'Be careful, I'd die for you. Just please don't hang out with your other friends too much.'

Insane, very insane. I'd coordinate outfits and be rejected and in rejecting me she shamed me and in my shame, I learnt there might be strength in my knees, I could stand up and walk away. But she did it first. That MB and the imperial need for me to leave her space.

That's enough unspooling. For now.

hello !! i’ve been having some trouble making the most of my day, hence this rly mini guide on it ! it sort of works together with my guide to getting ur life back on track !!! hope this helps ! :]

[+++] get ur life back on track | beat procrastination | school organization | transitional words | bullet journaling | school supplies | gr8 powerpoint | homework tips | essay writin | study tips | more !!!

I don't know who to complain to or tell but malariasurveys.org isn't working and I NEEDD it for my research.

I always thought girls acting out, being cold and doing weird things in a relationship was weird. You like this boy, what are you doing? What do you mean you don't pick up until he calls the second time. What do you mean you wait for a minute or two to text back? What's going on? Who wrote these rules? No double texting, no public confessions, just alluding to the fact you are in love and no one needs to know the details.

Sadly, I understand now. Like mad. It's a silent shouting for receiving affection first, you want to be needed the way you need. You want to be liked just as much as you like the other person or even more than you like them. That way you know your affection isn't wasted. Because what is more comforting than knowing that you love and you're loved back in return?

When your love is reciprocated in the actions just as much, when they do call back the second time, double text you, put up with the attitude even you know, is silly, you are comforted. 'I love and I'm loved. All is right with the world.'

I see you, you don't want a love that's complacent, comfortable in a way that is lazy. You want to be pined for in the way you pine, nothing is more human than that.

Pretending i forgot my tumblr existed lol.

Update: the love I held on to, the one where I'd rather type in an obscure corner of my room than express myself too much to, I let it go. I let it go and I am vindictive enough to hope that it hurts them more than it hurts me.

I'm in a new one that I feel will end badly but at least I think I'd be the least hurt.

Two lovers have reincarnated throughout history, destined to find each other and fall in love all over again. There’s also this third guy that reincarnates alongside them… we don’t really know what he does.

Emotion permanence.

Oh what a day to be kicked in the face that I suffer from this cos why do I feel unloved if I so much as get no response for a while from my partner. I'm going to be investigating this further, hang out with me till then.

Simone Biles is a great athlete, she is so beautiful to watch. I know she is great, everyone does but since I do not understand the scoring system in gymnastics, my love for her is not on par with Shelly Ann Fraser-Pryce.

My God, that is one woman who inspires me a lot! Did it, left, got pregnant, came back, did it again (this time as the fastest woman alive!) I'm so proud of her and I can't wait to watch her for the last time in this year's Olympics. I'm rooting for her with all of my heart. She has motivated me by deciding to push herself to her best and for that, I'm grateful.

My exams are soon and every time my eyes are watering from reading or I drop my book because I do not 'feel' like it. I tell myself that postpartum SAFP prolly didn't feel like practicing too. She prolly just wanted to watch reels for a while and chill but she prolly didn't and so I can watch her and be proud, I can draw strength from her story. A woman whom the world thought it was over for but one who knew she wasn't done and showed the rest of us just how not done she is.