"I Love You"

You all need to hear this:

1. You probably dont suck at your craft as much as you think you do, I bet a lot of people are amazed at what you can make, and

2. If you actually are the Literal Worst In The Whole Wide World at your craft... who the fuck cares? What are they gonna do, call the police on you? Keep making your shitty little things, youre the boss of you, fuck the haters.

listening to the conclave arc of the wizard the witch and the wild one and just being unendingly impressed at ame's ability to not burst into tears every second of every scene

happy mother's day to all my fellow 'did not think arianwen abernant was that bad the first few times watching fantasy high because we were so used to being treated like that by our mothers' hope no contact is treating you well

fuck you keen, we all say in unison

cannot be the only one who cannot bear to deny blathers the opportunity to infodump about fish I've played this game for years and I will always say yes please to facts

Steel continues to ring every manipulator bell on my head after his latest episode...

I swear, I have other thoughts (SO MANY THOUGHTS) about what happens to Ame and Eursulon on thos podcast too! But every interaction with Steel leaves me absolutely CONSUMED! Every inch of my body is screaming, "SUVI, YOU ARE IN DANGER, GIRL!", but it feels like grasping at smoke to name them all, WHICH FEELS LIKE ANOTHER REASON! NOT! TO TRUST HER!!

Like, wdym you have to take her back to the place where she can be killed for treason?? Before you give her any real answers??? And all this only after love bombing her and telling her she's your only hope at a daughter she can be proud of...

Idk, maybe I'm just seeing what confirms my bias, but NOTHING she said today gave me any confidence that she is actually on Suvi's side...

me planning my adaine fic : so ik I said my favourite thing about adaine is her rage, her refusal to become the person her parents want her to be, her constant biting back and how brave it is, but like what if I took it away in the interest of angst and self-projection. I'll give it back I swear

adaine punching her dad to death "guess what bitch I'm strong now" adaine punching her dad to death "you never have to be afraid of being weak again" adaine punching her dad to death "your father hurt you and he hurt your sister and no matter what anybody fucking thinks about it guess what he never gets to hurt anybody ever again" adaine punching her dad to death ADAINE PUNCHING HER DAD TO DEATH

I have like fifty posts (all unintelligible) about how adaine abernant makes me feel sat in my drafts and I also just spontaneously burst into tears earlier thinking about how I wish I could have preserved my rage like this silly little fictional character managed to. I want to be angry like adaine and bitter like adaine and mean like adaine and I want to punch my dad so hard he dies in a forest made of my worst nightmares and I wish I was angry at people other than myself right now

I also think about the fact riz carried around baron in his briefcase for an entire year a lot.

it feels a lot like a queer (specifically ace for me) denial that I'm intimately familiar with. you know you don't want it but you keep the idea of the life you're supposed to have, the partner you're supposed to want, in your back pocket to fall back on if being different gets too scary, so if all your friends find people who matter more to them and leave you might have someone too. you know it feels scary and stifling and wrong but you keep it there in the bottom of your briefcase just in case, just in case. you can't let it go and you can't let the shame that goes with it go because that would mean being alone, right?

anyway I'm in a perpetual romantic attraction crisis (am I demiromantic or is that just internalised aphobia rearing its ugly head again) and riz gukgak is a mood

i think about the fact riz carried around baron in his breifcase for an entire year a lot. btw.

like yeah you defeated him in the nightmare forest and he isn't a threat now or whatever but. he's there. you know he is. and you carry that invisible weight of the fear that one day all your friends will move on and you will die alone for a year. for more than a year.

and you see it coming true. your plan to keep all your friends together crumbles between your fingers and you don't know what to do.

then it comes back in a massive moment, there is no shoving the monster under the bed anymore. you cannot shy away from mirrors and cover your ears and act like it was never there to begin with. it is too large and you have ignored it for far too long. you must face it.