Last Night

Last Night

I woke up at 5 in the morning with only on thing one my mind; you. I can’t get you out of my thoughts. I spent a good 3 hours trying to sleep while thoughts and memories of you circled my mind. It’s been going on for days, ever since I decided to try to remove you from my life. 

I know I hurt you, so bad that I doubt you’d ever forgive me, I deserve that. The worst part is, I don’t even know why I acted like a dick. It was partially because whenever we talked I would always get this feeling in my stomach. Kinda like butterflies? It was a good feeling, but also a painful one. It made me want to just beg you to come back and say that I was wrong, that I love you and that hasn’t ever changed. I never stopped loving you, not for a second. I wish so much that I could be with you right now, for everything to be back to normal, but I know that it’s too late. I acted like a dick because I didn’t want to give in, I didn’t want to come back, because I knew, or at least I was scared that it was all just going to be like before; with so much fighting and jealousy and just... a lot of fear. I hated that part of our relationship because there were times in which I just wasn’t happy, and I wished that I could fix it. I wish that I could fix all my jealousy in one go, but it doesn’t work that way.

That’s why I did all this. I can’t come back to you not having changed, not that you’d let me, I bet you want nothing to do with me at this point, and it’s really all my fault. But right now, I need to change, to grow mature enough so as not to be so insecure, because honestly, it sucks being like that, especially in a long distance relationship. I don’t want to keep resenting and being jealous, and I want both of us to grow from this, because we both made mistakes. 

You have no idea how sorry I am for so many things, but I want you to know, that I don’t regret anything. Being with you was amazing, it was beautiful and special. Yes, sometimes it was ugly and painful, but I’ll always remember everything we did together, because you really did make me happy, but I need to fix myself right now. I want both of us to be happy, and I felt like we honestly wouldn’t be had we stayed together. I feel that I wouldn’t have been, because it felt like I just didn’t matter to you at all once you got to university, and that you probably would have replaced me within the month. And I hated that feeling. I couldn’t keep going with that because there was really no way to fix it while we were together, not with all the jealousy. 

I want you to be happy, and you have no idea what I would do to make you happy, but right now that means that I have to make myself better, because I really, truly, honestly hope that once day, I’ll be able to find you again, and that you’ll accept me. I couldn’t give you what you wanted, but I know that in the future I will, because I’m getting my life together. I’m more active, more confident, more responsible, I've been working my ass off to improve myself, and I’m going to keep going, because I want to be the best I can ever be. 

Oddly enough, that isn’t good enough for me though. Yes, I’m improving, but the longing doesn’t leave. The regret doesn’t stop eating me from within. I feel empty, and there’s nothing that can fill that void now. Yes, there’s one thing, but no matter how hard I try, I doubt it’ll ever happen again, because I don’t deserve you.

I know you said that a sophomore asked you out. As much as it hurts, I’m really happy for you. If you really do like him, then honestly, that’s great, because I hope that he can make you happy, better than I could, at least. Don’t get me wrong, I wish it were me dating you, I wish it were me that can kiss you, hold you, and just make you feel loved everyday, but I had my chance. I just hope that you’ll give me another one in the future. I know I don’t deserve it, but I can’t stop loving you. Every time I think of you, I just get filled with this weird warmth inside. And then it turns to ice as I realize that you may never think of me like that again.

I know it’s selfish, but I hope you feel the same way for me. I hope that you do love me back, because even if I don’t deserve it, I want to be deserving of it in the future. Right now, I know that I wouldn’t be able to make you happy, and I know you’ll find someone else who can. I just hope that I’ll reach that level one day, so that I can come back into your life, because I still love you, llamagirl, infinitely. You may despise me right now, and you have every right to, I know that I can’t fix all the hurt that I’ve done. 

I meant it when I said that you were a miracle in my life, because you’re so wonderful and beautiful that you healed my wounds and kissed my scars. You worried for me when no one else did. You made me feel loved when I thought that I never deserved it. 

Please, at the end of the day, save the last dance for me, I swear my dancing will have improved by then. Je T’aime. 

Mon amour pour toi ne dimiuera jamais. J’espere qu’un jour tu me pardonneras d’etre si stupide. 

More Posts from Ourvioletdeath and Others

7 years ago
World AIDS Day By The Numbers

World AIDS Day by the Numbers

36.7 – Estimated number of people, in millions, around the world living with HIV

1.8 – Estimated number who are children, in millions

30+ – Number of FDA-approved antiretroviral drugs for treating HIV

18.2 – Estimated number of HIV-infected persons worldwide, in millions, receiving antiretroviral therapy (ART)

380,000 – Lifetime treatment cost, in dollars, for an HIV infection

96 – Percentage reduction in likelihood of HIV transmission via sex from HIV-positive person on ART to HIV-negative partner

90 – Percentage chance of avoiding HIV by taking PrEP, a daily prescription antiretroviral

30 – Percentage of persons globally who do not know they are infected by HIV

13 – Percentage in the U.S.

78 – Estimated number of people, in millions, around the world who have become infected with HIV since the start of the epidemic in 1981

35 – Estimated number who have died of AIDS-related illnesses worldwide, in millions

675,000 – Estimated number of people in U.S. who have died

13,000 – Number of Americans who die from AIDS-related causes each year

1.8 million – Estimated number around the world of new HIV infections in 2016, down from 2.1 million in 2015 and a 16 percent decrease since 2010

1 million – Number of people around the world who died of AIDS-related illnesses in 2016

80 – Percentage chance that a girl growing up in Swaziland, Africa will die due to HIV-related causes

1.2 million – Number of Americans currently living with HIV

9.5 – Someone in US is diagnosed with HIV, in minutes

1 in 7 – Ratio of those infected who do not know they are infected

44 – Percentage of adolescent and young adults in US, age 13-24, who do not know they are infected with HIV

23 – Percentage of persons in U.S. with HIV who are simultaneously diagnosed with AIDS

52 – Percentage of new HIV diagnoses in 2015 nationwide based in South, followed by Northeast, West and Midwest, all 18 percent or less

7 – Number of US states with rates of HIV diagnoses equal or above 20 per 100,000 people: Nevada, Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Georgia, Florida and Maryland

1 in 49 – Lifetime risk of HIV diagnosis in Maryland, the highest risk among states (Washington, DC has a 1 in 13 lifetime risk)

1 in 670 – Lifetime risk of HIV diagnosis in North Dakota, the lowest

1 in 99 – Average lifetime risk nationwide

3 – Average length of survival, in years, after a diagnosis of AIDS without treatment

77 – Average life expectancy of a 20-year-old man diagnosed with HIV who receives treatment

78.7 – Average life expectancy of an American male

200 – Number of CD4 cells (a type of immune cell) per cubic millimeter of blood under which a person is considered to have advanced to AIDS

788 million – Federal funding, in dollars, for domestic HIV/AIDS research and prevention in U.S. in 2017

0.71 per 100 – In charitable donations, in dollars, made by U.S. foundations and corporations to HIV/AIDS causes in 2017

549 million – Annual giving to HIV/AIDS programs by private citizens in U.S.

Sources: UNAIDS; Centers for Disease Control; AMFAR; World Health Organization; U.S. Department of Health and Human Services; WalletHub; U.S. President’s Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief; Funders Concerned About AIDS; Kaiser Family Foundation

Pictured: A colorized scanning electron micrograph of an HIV-infected human T cell. Image courtesy of NIH.

7 years ago
7 years ago

Top 10 Most Uncomfortable Physics Facts

While physics can show us amazing things about our universe, it doesn’t always agree with how we think things should work. Sometimes, physics can be very counter-intuitive, and often unsettling. So, here’s my list of physics facts that can be a bit unnerving.

10: Weight doesn’t matter

If it wasn’t for air resistance, everything would fall at exactly the same speed. If you let go of a hammer and a feather from the same height at the same time  on the Moon, they would hit the ground simultaneously. 

9: Gyroscopic precession

It doesn’t matter how much you know about physics; gyroscopes are weird. The way they seem to defy gravity makes you rethink everything you know about physics, despite being fairly simple toys. Still, it’s all just Newton’s laws of motion.

8: Neutrinos and dark matter

We like to think that we can interact with most of the world around us, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Neutrinos and dark matter are passing through your body right now, as if you weren’t even there. The fact that 65 billion neutrinos pass through each square centimeter of your body every second is weird enough, who knows what we’ll learn about dark matter.

7: Photons are particles

Light travels like a wave, but can only interact like a particle. It can interfere and have a frequency, but it can only take and give energy in discrete quantities. It behaves like nothing else in our macroscopic world, and can be very difficult to imagine.

6: Electrons are waves

We’ve established how photons act like waves and particles, but surely massive particles act normally. Nope! Even electrons have wave-like properties. In fact, everything acts like a wave! Except these waves come in discrete quantities, which we’ll call particles. This won’t get confusing.

5: E=mc^2

Einstein’s most famous contribution to physics states that matter is simply another form of energy, which has very profound consequences. A wound-up Jack-in-a-box would weigh ever so slightly more than a released Jack-in-a-box, due to the potential energy stored within.

4: Time is relative

The core of special relativity states that time passes differently for different observers. If you took a trip to Alpha Centauri at 99% the speed of light, everyone on Earth would see the trip take 4.4 years, while you would only experience 7.5 months. Time travel is real!

3: The (not so empty) vacuum

Something can be created from nothing, as long as it goes right back to being nothing quickly. In seemingly empty space, particles pop in and out of existence all the time as a result of the uncertainty principle. Not to mention, space is inflating at an accelerated rate due to “dark energy”. To the vacuum, the law of conservation of energy is more of a suggestion.

2: c is the fastest speed

Another important point in special relativity is that nothing could ever go faster than light. This doesn’t sit well with a lot of people, but the math doesn’t lie. To even get something with mass to travel at the speed of light would require infinite energy. Even if you somehow get around this, there are just too many mathematical problems with superluminal travel. Like it or not, the universe has a speed limit.

1: The cat is dead and alive

How could it not be this? The nature of quantum mechanics allows for objects to take on two seemingly contradictory states in a ‘superposition’. An electron can be in two places at once, or in a more extreme example, a cat can be both dead and alive. Of course, this weird property goes away once someone makes an observation. It’s as if there are tiny physics trolls messing with nature whenever we’re not looking.

Of course, there’s plenty more unsettling physics facts, like the space-bending nature of general relativity, or the “spooky action at a distance” that is quantum entanglement, but these are my top 10. I’d like to hear any unsettling physics facts you think I’ve missed, though!

7 years ago

Temples are built for gods. Knowing this a farmer builds a small temple to see what kind of god turns up.

6 years ago
I Can Relate To This On A Spiritual Level.

I can relate to this on a spiritual level.

7 years ago

I was working upstairs when I hear one of our baby leopard geckos start screaming. Normally they only scream when threatened, but this particular guy screams at almost everything. Turns out there was a small fly in his cage that was bothering him.

Yes the fly was removed afterwards.

7 years ago
Dutch “Cuddly Owl” Finally Caught On Video. This Bird Has Been Cuddling The Citizens Of This Town
Dutch “Cuddly Owl” Finally Caught On Video. This Bird Has Been Cuddling The Citizens Of This Town
Dutch “Cuddly Owl” Finally Caught On Video. This Bird Has Been Cuddling The Citizens Of This Town

Dutch “Cuddly Owl” finally caught on video. This bird has been cuddling the citizens of this town for a while. It likes to land and stomp on people’s heads.

Watch the video

8 years ago

You don't deserve it, you never did. I want to wash off that pain and make it like it never happened. But I can't, and that's one of the things that hurts the most

ourvioletdeath - Inner Ramblings of the Mind
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ourvioletdeath - Inner Ramblings of the Mind
Inner Ramblings of the Mind

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