[please Read The Previous Poems For Context Ly]

Closure.

[looking back at a diary entry]

It's 31st May , 2024 , 6 am in the morning

I didn't sleep at all I stayed up doing random things, but all of it ended with me praying

well , for someone as pathetic as i

there could me many things to pray for ;

a better life , health , my parents to (finally) love me , good grades , any improvement of any sort infact

But at the end of a day and the start of another

I find myself praying for him

for how I wish I could hug him goodbye

how I wish I could meet him for one last time

how I wish I could look into his eyes one last time

how I wish I could hear him laugh one last time

How I wish I could see him smile one last time

and oh how I wish to just lay my eyes on him one last time

to just rest my eyes on him and memorize every little detail

the way his almond eyes are a little widespread

the way his nose scrunches as a reflex everytime he's in sun

the his smile is slightly titled towards left

the way his lips just stay in the same position when he laughs

the way his eyes catch the first hint of emotion that eventually creeps across his face

the way he raises his eyebrows subconsciously

the way he touches his nose everytime he is thinking

the way he shifts his head to one side whenever he stands

the way his teeth are bent forwards at a 10° angle

he is a beautiful boy

I probably don't even remember what he looks like exactly

I would just love to admire him one last time

I was not sure whether i should use past or present tense when I talk of his face

I am sure he changed

He probably looks prettier now

only to make me hate myself more

I often wonder if he is completely oblivious to my feelings

is he completely unaware of how much I want to hug him

not to feel anything but just a warm embrace

by him

by the first boy I fell in love with when I was just a kid

the first boy whose name I wrote at the back of my diary to find "flames" of lol

Embracing him would be like embracing my entire childhood

my ages through puberty

my acne phase

my bob-hair-tomboy-anjali phase

my boyband phase

my bangs phase

my theater phase

my artist phase

my jee phase

through it all he was there

not physically but somewhere in my heart

Just there

like an asshole really

somewhere he shouldn't be

but just with his legs on the table with shoes still on , a ciggerate in one hand and my diary in other

he owns it

he knows the command he has over me even if he isn't there

is that what romanticizing someone out of bounds feels like?

someone who isn't yours, was never yours ,will never be yours

but you know that the world is a game of gamble

and even a chance as small as a spec of sand is still a chance

and you hold onto that chance so dearly that everything you think about is consumed by that tiny possibility against the innumerable odds

yet you fight the world and it's rules just to think of yourself as his and his as yours

irrationally , erratically, irresistibly

I fantasize sometimes that maybe if i hugged him good bye

maybe then he would take his shoes off the table and leave

maybe that hug could do what almost 10 years of life couldn't

I fantasize sometimes that maybe if i had a huge fight with him and told him to get out

maybe then he would flip me off and leave

maybe that fight could do what almost 10 years of life couldn't

but that hug and that fight are the spec of sand

against the odds that I might never see him in this lifetime

and if I do I am sure that I would turn into that little girl again who understood what being vulnerable meant at an alarmingly young age

I wish I could just lie in his arms and cry

cry about how much I miss him

about how much I wish he was mine

about how much I hate him

about how difficult it has been to hate him

and about how I would go to the moon and back just to see him break into a titled smile

I was literally ready to fight anything and anyone to protect him

and I did

until i realised that he doesn't want my protection

until I realise how foolish it was to go to battles for someone who doesn't even want you to

; not because they care about you getting hurt

but because they wouldn't care at all even if you died

maybe he was blind and didn't see me

Or maybe he saw me and used my help and just left like that

I truly don't know which one is worse

I hate how much space he consumes of my thoughts

I hate how everything reminds me of him

his song pops up in my recommendations

everytime I open my eyes I see his favourite colour

when I open my phone and there are messages from him

when I open my phone and there are no messages from him

i hate how much I love him

when I don't cross his mind at all

yeah I'm definitely failing chemistry

Name/place/other things

(she/her) 🩷🌷 studyblr / writerblr / desiblr

hiii!! I'm pari - (puh-ree) this is actually the pet name that my family and or close friends call me by so I thought that'll make this account a bit more personal (it means fairy/angel 🧚)

Age : 18!!!!

Grade : - 12th+ / gap year

preparing for : jee mains and adv + fashion school + cbse boards improvement

My subjects are :

Physics

Chemistry

Maths

English

Physical education

hobbies 🌷: dancing, painting/sketching, reading/writing poetries , reading books, watching movies

____________________________________________

movies- I'm a self proclaimed cinephile, I'm a big bollywood munchie. I've actually grown up on bolly films and I think watching movies has kept me sane

favourite/comfort movies 🩷

yeh jawani hai deewani (prolly watched this 27271 times).

dil dhadakne do (criminally underrated)

taare zameen par (childhood trauma)

gangs of wasseypur (I'm from bihar so..).

jane bhi do yaaron (way ahead of it's time).

kal hona ho (srk fangirlism)

tamasha (relatable af)

_____________________________________________

music- I do listen to music quite a lot , my taste? everything except for the ones I dislike lol ,and i think because I learnt dancing ever since I was a child I tend to lean towards pop beats but I also listen to slow music quite a bit

favourite songs (at the moment) 🩷

Merry Christmas, Please Don't Call by bleachers

Pop Muzik by M,Robin Scott

Diet Pepsi by Addison Rae

I bet on losing dogs by mitski

Juno by Sabrina Carpenter

Femininominon & HOT TO GO! by Chappell Roan

Baawre by Shankar Mahadevan.

Believe by Cher

Ophelia by The Lumineers

G.O.A.T by Diljit Dosanjh

_____________________________________________

books/novels - I haven't read anything new in the past two years other than my academic books , but I'm interested in literature a lot and I'll read any good literary piece no matter the genre

favourite books 🩷:

The kite runner by Khaled Hosseini

Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

And the mountains echoed by Khaled Hosseini

Normal People by Salley Rooney

A thousand splendid suns by Khaled Hosseini

Under the oak tree by Suji Kim

____________________________________________

Why Tumblr?

I have had this account for a while but I only used it for reading smut 😶‍🌫️ lmao and now I want to use it to bring some decorum in my life.

I think writing a blog about my day is a good way to keep myself in check. I'll be treating this blog like my journal.

My lifestyle has been very messed up from the last two years , so along with studying, I'm also gonna focus on getting my shit together in general. this account would revolve around the same , but I also yap a lot so I'm gonna talk about some random musings as well :3 :)) ;)

02:40 AM

I have my physical education theory paper this morning (fml) never thought I would have to memorize yoga poses (fml again)

pulling an all nighter rn

3/6 chapters done , 3 more to go

I guess I'll stay up for an hour or two more take one hour nap and go for it (I'm not proud of myself ik)

mid-term week ; let's see if I finish mid-term or mid-term finishes me

— Arthur Miller, The Crucible

Hang on...so you're telling me

I gave my last pre board exam...it went well.. I got 33 followers now and reached 25 reblogs all in the same day??!?!!!!!!

thankyouuuu for appreciating my blog

ilyy all, whoever's reading this <3

I'm so happy yipee!!!!!

My dad told me yesterday that nobody in the world would care if I died and that I'm not even worth being someone's shoe..and then casually called me today to eat dinner with everyone.

wtf dad.

anyways, i bought a new book, that's cool ig.

Are you preparing for JEE?

Yes , I'm preparing for jee 2025 and I have my first attempt in january

I've actually started preparing late so idk how my first attempt will be ,but I'm gonna try my best and give both attempts.

I'll also be giving BITSAT :))

(I'm answering my first proper "ask" aaaahhh)

30.12.2024 // free dayy

I went to the mall with my bestfriend yesterday, it was soo fun we even went to the book store in there :))

I picked up Matthew Perry's autobiography - Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing

and I was flushed with a wave of nostalgia, sadness and overwhelming love for that man.

Even though I was born three years after friends ended , I still grew up on it and chandler was the one I related to the most ,Infact he was my friend's favourite character and we would talk about chandler a lot or repeat his jokes and that made him even more special to me.

It really feels like we are reading his personal diary as it takes us through his life. There are several pictures in there as well and one of them is of him as a teenager surrounded with a bunch of kids and the caption is -

"I have always been great with kids. Man,I wish I had one of my own"

this just..stayed with me and I think it will stay with me for a while, I miss him. I hope he's in a better place. <3