Just Wondering If You Managed To Watch Any Of The Australian Bachelor During The Wait For Andi's Season?

i have all the time in the world for Gemms reblogging her brother’s fabulous boots.

The Bachelorette - Finale Part 2 Recap

Oh wow. This is it. It's really here you guys. The time has finally come where we will know, once and for all, what will happen to Desiree in her turbulent quest for love. It’s been rough. Remember that guy with the secret girlfriend? Remember how much gay Michael hated douche Ben? Remember James being a lion with a thorn stuck in his paw that he wouldn’t let one tiny mouse help remove? REMEMBER BROOKS WALKING OUT ON DESIREE AT THE 11TH HOUR WITH HER HEART IN TATTERS? Yeah. Seas have been stormy. But here we are. In Antigua. Let the drama unfooooold!

Crap. I forgot about the live studio audience aspect of the grand finale. Chris Harrison welcomes us with open arms and throws us right into a video package of Desiree crying about Brooks. “He broke my heart…and now, I don’t know where to start,” she sniffles, “It sucks.”

What better time to have a one-on-one chat with Papa Chrarrison than the very moment your entire world is crumbling around you? They sit on some lovely whicker chairs to talk it all out. He invites her to sit and says, “How you doing today?”

“I’m ok,” she replies with a thin lipped smiled and continues to nod, maybe to convince herself it’s true.

“No. You’re not. I’m sorry,” Chrarrison reaches out as the tears begin to fall. The amount of tears this season could rival Ashley’s.

“I’m ok when people don’t ask,” admits Desiree. UGH. HAVEN’T WE ALL BEEN THERE? “I just want to go home to be honest.” Desiree continues crying and Chris offers up little comforting comments here and there. Eventually Desiree decides that she does want to continue on in “the process” with Drew and Chris to see if the “all important chemistry” and “undeniable spark” is really there with either of them. The fun thing is that they HAVE to go through a rose ceremony to get there, and they don’t know that Brooks is gone!

Chrarrison lines up the two remaining dudes on a dock and gives the floor to Desiree to explain the situation. She just barely gets through telling them that Brooks decided to go home on his own before she starts getting choked up. “I have taken every relationship separately…so I’m not going to let yesterday break my spirit,” Des resolves.

She stayed so strong though all of it, but really loses her stuff when she tells them she just wants them to let her know if they don’t want to accept the rose or continue in their relationship. This poor girl. You can totally see Chris wanting to run to her and comfort the pain away. Oh noble dorky Chris.

Drew’s name is called first, then Chris. They both accept.

“When you love someone as much as I do love Desiree, it’s hard to watch her cry,” Chris sternly tells the camera.

“I’m never gonna leave Desiree. It’s just never gonna happen,” Drew also very sternly tells us. Well, we’ll just see about that, Drew. Chris? Yeah I guess you’re fine for now. We’ll just see, gentleman.

Before we can get back to the drama we talk to some of the live studio audience – KILL TIME – and get some non-expert opinions. The consensus from these random strangers is that Brooks comes back. Pishaw. We have quite a few Team Chris people. The cheers for Drew are much quieter, lovely as he is.  BUT WUH-OH. WHAT HO. WHAT. HO. INDEED.  DID CHRARRS JUST GIVE AWAY THE ENDING?

He says, “But what about this? If CHRIS finds out about how she felt about Brooks, you know…or Drew for that matter…uh you know, is there any chance that she could you know that this could still work?” Drew was an afterthought. Chris was the first name he emphasized then he got flustered after the slip up. Interesting.

We get yet another gratuitous shot of Desiree dressing herself over her bikini. There have been quite a few up close panning shots of her body that make me uncomfortable with the exploitative undertones. Drew’s date is up first and she is hopeful that she can “find sparks.”

They are riding horses down to the beach. Des introduces Drew to his horse Judy. What a great horse name: Judy. The conversation is strained and awkward on their horsey jaunt. It is that early that Desiree realizes that what she’s looking for just isn’t there with Drew. Des realizes she must now do to Drew what Brooks did unto her.

After a toast to being “madly in love” (oh dear, sweet Drew), Des just says “So. I really need to talk to you.” Which is exactly how 85% of breakups in the history of modern dating and relationships have begun, so Drew must just about pee his little Bermuda shorts at the sound of those words.

As she cries and struggles through finding the words to say, he squints deeply at her. I finally realize who Drew looks like.  He looks like Captain America. Seriously if Chris Evans wasn’t already the quintessential Steve Rodgers, I’d be gunning for this guy to take over because even his HAIR is superhero perfect.

Des lets him down gently, and Drew is the consummate gentleman though it all. “You don’t have to be sorry,” he repeats as Des blubbers about how bad she feels. “You don’t have to be sorry for not being in love with me. It’s not something you control; it just happens…I would want you to be in love with me as much as I’m in love with you. So this hurts but…it’s ok”. What a capital G gentleman and all around good guy. Godspeed Drew! Best wishes to you and your continuing journey to find love!

Hopefully with a break from the breakups, Chris has his date today. Desiree has a lot riding on it. As soon as Chris arrives though, their dorky chemistry is in full bloom. Chris says “Welcome!” when he first sees her, like you do when you’re being an idiot distracted by loving a person. And then Desiree tells him they’ll be going on a catamaran all day as Chris’ face lights up like a kid on Christmas morning.

“Yes! Another boat just for you!” Des tells him. “Ok this is awesome!” Chris squeaks. Chris loves boats you guys. It’s that kind of dorky personality trait that could pull him through.

Chris is so freaking precious. He is just a precious little gemstone in a world of stupid pebbles. He tells her how much he will always love and support her and be a shoulder to cry on. They do indeed have a very strong connection. Desiree admits that her feelings may have been clouded because of Brooks.

The music begins to swell and the camera shots become sweeping as the catamaran streaks across the Caribbean Sea. The two lovers both feel comfortable and happy with each other. Desiree might begin to see the love and joy Chris could bring her whole life long.

It’s evening now, and the two are meeting at Chris’ plush ass suite for dinner and drinks. Chris gives world’s longest and most rambling toast thanking Desiree for everything and expressing how much he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. They laugh and giggle. Desiree eats it all up and also shares how much she cherishes their time together.

Despite being apprehensive to introduce any of the guys to her family, Desiree decides that Chris shall meet her whole family. He is thrilled. She is thrilled that he so wants to meet her family.

Chris got her a gift. It is ANOTHER leather-bound journal. For those keeping score at home, that is two leather bound journals she’s been gifted with this season. He dedicates it to her and writes a little epigraph and also transcribes all of the poems into the first few pages. Barf. Blergh. Ack. Ew. But it’s still so sweet and thoughtful but MOSTLY barf.

“I’ve never felt like anyone has loved me as much as I have loved them and that’s why it’s hard to feel so loved because I don’t know what it feels like…so it feels good but it’s hard,” Desiree blubbers out. “How could I have not loved him so much from the beginning?”

And there, my friends, there I think is where it’s all decided. She toasts to him being the greatest man she’s ever known. Yeah. Chris. You’re the only guy left. I think you’ve got this hooked, lined, and sinker (whatever that means. Does anyone know?).

Back in the studio audience, we have some Bachelor fan favorites assembled to sound off their opinions. Jackie, Lesley, and Lindsey are there as well as Catherine and Sean. How awkward! Sean is boring and diplomatic. Catherine is adorable and wise. Jackie is sad that Brooks left her but wants her to be happy ultimately. Lesley is smart and astute and to the point that Des is falling love with Chris fast and hard. Lindsey is an idiot. She thinks Brooks might still come back. Stupid, stupid Lindsey.

Ok, back to the task at hand. Chris brings a lovely bunch of rhododendrons to meet Desiree’s family which does include her very intense, felonious brother. Nate is certainly intense, but I think he suffers from a little bit of bad editing and also just a harsh demeanor. He asks the same questions that almost every family has asked the final contestants before. Did you ever doubt the process? Are you a jealous guy? How confident are you in the relationship? All normal questions that Chris passes with absolute flying colors. He is charming and at ease and gracious and lovely.

Desiree’s dad is adorable. Not Sean’s dad levels of charm, but his smile is pretty great. Chris and he have a nice chat which ends in Chris asking for Desiree’s hand in marriage. Dad gives a resounding yes.

The day concludes with Desiree and Nate sitting down to talk all of this stuff out. In the end, Nate approves of Chris but doesn’t want Des to settle. So that’s that. Will Desiree accept a proposal from Chris? Or will she end up alone?

It’s that time of the season, y’all! Time for everyone’s favorite human lizard Neil Lane to appear in a tropical locale with his set of diamond wares. Chris meets with him to select the ring that will be the symbol of his love and commitment that won’t be broken. He is really taking delight in the process of choosing a ring. Man this is a genuinely good guy. You precious goon, Chris! You have melted my steely, cold heart! He selects a very pretty, if not a bit gaudy, ring.

Desiree is wearing a gauzy, peach gown with a big crystal embellishment on the side. It’s gorgeous. Chris is wearing a crisp, black suit with a crisp white pocket square. They both look smart. Now let’s not break America’s heart and just be in love forever you two! Please!

Chris is a bundle of nerves, equal parts electric excitement and terror. He gets to talk first. Of course when I say “talk” I mean whisper. A stage whisper. He lists all the tiny moments where he fell in love with her. “You make me want to be a better person…I don’t want to make decisions for me anymore. I want to make decisions with you for us. I want to be that rock. I want to be the person that doesn’t break for you.” And I’m crying and just as he goes to bend down to the one knee she stops him. “Don’t say it? Oh god. Ok.” He stammers. We may have just witnessed him actually crapping his pants.

He steels himself for the rejection while Des prepares him for the truth. She tells him that he’s the only one there and the only one who met her family. Then launches into a beautiful speech about how the one thing she always needed was right in front of her the whole time. Chris is so happy when he realizes that she’s in love with him and isn’t rejecting him.

So then he says, “It’s not just a yes or a no. It’s a do you want to grow old together? Do you want to start a family together?” I’m crying but then LAUGHING because as he asks the big question, Des answers “YES. A THOUSAND TIMES YES!” which is PERFECT AND DOESN’T HAPPEN IN REA LIFE! I GUESS THIS DOESN’T REALLY COUNT AS REAL LIFE BUT SHE SAID THAT UNPROMPTED AND IN EARNEST, SO.

They hold each other kissing and crying and then “Love and Affection” plays again to montage all the lovely moments they’ve had. I’m crying because apparently I’m a person who cries at this stuff now. It’s fine. Way to go for you Matt White getting this song on three times this season (EVEN THOUGH IT MEANS YOU’VE REPLACED PETER CETERA). Ok. Wow. They are happy in love. Crazy in love. They are engaged and during After the Final Rose it’s revealed that Desiree is moving to Seattle this very weekend. They are getting their own place together. They are adorable and I wish them all of the very, very best.

And for all of you dear readers, I wish you the very, very best as well. I am so grateful for you reading my thoughts and emotions every week and truly appreciate every positive comment I’ve gotten. You guys rule. And I  DEARLY HOPE that you will join me in January when JUAN PABLO WILL BE THE BACHELOR! AHHHHHH! JUAN FREAKING PABLO! SEE YOU THEN, GUYS! Of course you can keep up with me over on Twitter @chasspod and check back with the Polar Bear for other fun stuff. KISSES.

Two Recomendations In One!

I often find myself clicking endlessly through Netflix trying to find something, anything to watch that matches my mood. I love a good documentary as much as the next socially conscious functioning member of society in her mid-twenties, but those can sometimes be so dark and downtrodden. When I’ve just come home from a particularly hard day at work, I don’t really have the peace of mind to watch FORGIVING DR. MENGELE which has been on my queue for two years. It’s in those times that I find myself craving a certain “je ne sais quoi” in viewing: nothing too heavy, but not so light that I lose interest.

Enter Linda Holmes. Who’s that now? That’s Linda Holmes, head writer and editor of NPR’s pop culture blog Monkey See. At least, that’s how she intros herself on the weekly pop culture round table podcast she hosts called POP CULTURE HAPPY HOUR. It’s a terrific cast of characters from NPR Music’s Stephen Thompson, theater and movie critic Trey Graham, and the ever ebullient Glen Weldon who writes about books and comic books for the NPR website. Each week they discuss a few carefully curated topics ranging from current affairs to things like “Pop Culture to which All Children Should Be Exposed”. My favorite part comes at the end of each 45-55 minute episode, however, when they discuss “What is Making You Happy This Week?”, a chance for each contributor to mention something in the zeitgeist that is making them happy in which the listener can also partake.

A few weeks ago Linda Holmes had sent out a few wayward tweets regarding a show called MISS FISHER’S MURDER MYSTERIES that had come recommended to her. Shortly after, MISS FISHER’S MURDER MYSTERIES came up as Linda’s choice for what was making her happy that week. Despite having VASTLY different opinions on the most recent HOBBIT film, Linda Holmes has never led me astray in a pop culture recommendation. So when I read the IMDb byline of the show, I knew I had to watch.

It reads: Our lady sleuth sashays through the back lanes and jazz clubs of late 1920's Melbourne, fighting injustice with her pearl-handled pistol and her dagger sharp wit.

What else could you possibly want or need in a TV show? All thirteen episodes of the first of two seasons are streaming on Netflix, so the task isn’t monumental. It’s a costume drama; so even with riveting stories and charisma absolutely bursting through the screen, it’s beautiful to look at. And for me, it is a thrilling look into history in a part of the world I honestly don’t know much about.

There’s romance; there’s murder; there’s fashion; there’s dancing; there’s a pair of communist cab drivers; there’s a lesbian, cross-dressing surgeon; there’s a ladies maid who overcomes her fear of the telephone; there’s intrigue! There’s everything, INCLUDING a dashing, devilishly handsome and masculine police inspector Detective Jack Robinson.

Miss Phryne Fisher is the embodiment of a Roaring Twenties, 20th century woman. I powered through the first six episodes in one day, and then loved it so much that I slowly and deliberately took a full week to watch the remaining seven episodes. I cannot recommend this show highly enough, especially to those of you between television “projects”. If you’ve just finished BREAKING BAD and are about to endeavor upon DEXTER, MISS FISHER’S MURDER MYSTERIES might just be the perfect palate cleanser you’ve been looking for. Or, if you just need thirteen episodes of pure delight, there’s no way you can miss out on this fabulous show.

I would, of course, also be remiss in failing to mention that POP CULTURE HAPPY HOUR has provided pop culture enjoyment in dividends in the three years I've been listening to it. Really wonderful stuff.

Henley Monday - 

It's still ungodly cold in much of the northern United States, and now more than ever we need men in henleys to warm us right up. Enter the fourth man named Chris to be presented as the weekly Henley Monday: Chris Pratt. 

This is him last week at the Parks & Recreation PaleyFest panel. He....has gone through quite the transformation for his upcoming role in Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy. It's pretty special. I mean, come on THAT FACE. That ADORABLE man. His character on Parks has always been one of my favorites and now that he looks like this, I might just be in full blown love.

Keep it up, Chris Pratt! We love you!

My Top Independence Day Movies (Independence Day not included)

Yes, you read that right. I am not including the seminal Will Smith action flick Independence Day in my list of most patriotic movies. Do I always enjoy a viewing of it? Sure, but it doesn't exactly need my endorsement. Let's take a look at some lesser known, equally good films that would perfectly accent your July 4th and why you should choose them over the Patriot or Top Gun or Die Hard (which is a Christmas movie anyway).

1)      Waiting for Guffman (1997) – A mockumentary style film from Christopher Guest and Co. (This is Spinal Tap; Best in Show; A Mighty Wind). It follows a group of small-town-American characters as they prepare for the fictional Blaine, Missouri’s sesquicentennial celebration, the centerpiece of which is a musical covering the town’s history called “Red, White, & Blaine.” It is a hilarious portrait of the American spirit captured in all the bizarre, oddities of the classic Small Town. You’ll find yourself quoting your favorite moments for years to come.

2)      Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999) –Another mockumentary that chronicles small-town American life, this time in Mt. Rose. Minnesota. We follow the various contestants in the Mt. Rose Miss American Teen Princess beauty pageant, and the contestants range from the dopey cheerleader (Amy Adams in her film debut) to the theater geek (Brittany Murphy at her absolute best) to sweet underdog protagonist who practices her tap dancing while working in the morgue (Kirsten Dunst). This movie moves seamlessly from the sublime to the ridiculous, satirizing not only beauty pageants but the politics of the Midwest small-town. Another one with quotable moments every other minute.

3)      Wet Hot American Summer (2001) – Everyone in this movie is someone who has made you laugh till your stomach hurts in something (or everything) else they have done in their careers. Pulling heavily from members of the sketch comedy group The State, it has everyone from David Hyde Pierce to Amy Poehler to Molly Shannon to Paul Rudd to Ken Marino to an infantile Bradley Cooper (AND MANY, MANY MORE!). Directed by David Wain (Role Models; Wanderlust), we see the goings on of the last day at Camp Firewood and mainly the romantic endeavors of the counselors and camp directors. It is weird and offbeat and joyous and dark and a beautiful picture of the kind of summer we all wish we could have again (kind of – give or take a few things like refrigerator humping). Oh yeah, did I mention beloved Detective Stabler, Christopher Meloni, humps a refrigerator?

  4)      Captain America : the First Avenger (2011) – BECAUSE – DUH. It would not be a proper list of All-American movies if I neglected to include All-American superhero Captain America portrayed by All-American beef cake Chris Evans. It takes place during World War II the most nostalgically “good-guys” period of American history, there is a song entitled “The Star Spangled Man with a Plan” and Steve Rodgers is…hoo…he is, uhh…the kind of man with the kind of courage, heart, head of hair, and muscles I think we all wish we could be (myself included). It’s got a good little story and a good bit of action and just a little splash of romance to make a great 4th of July flick. And also, look, yeah, if maybe you double featured this with Marvel's the Avengers I’m not going to do anything to stop you that sounds great.

My favorite scene in Bridesmaids is the entire airplane scene, but this snippet is the best of the best. While not specifically at the wedding, I think it still counts as a great moment in film nuptials.

The best part: The absolute straight delivery of Steve/Stove.

"Are you an appliance?"

"No. I'm a man. And my name is Steve."

"You're a flight attendant."

"That is absolutely accurate."

The Bachelor - Episode 6 Recap

Let's get this started, y'all! In the words of Montell Jordan - thiiis is hooow we dooo it.

The crew this week heads up to one of my top ten places I want to visit before I die: Lake Louise in the Canadian Rockies. Boy am I jealous of these crazies. Along with the promise of beautiful scenery, is the promise of Tierra having an extreme hypothermic episode in which all her mascara goes bye-bye.

Man do they love using the music from Intervention to score dramatic scenes in this show. I mean, they are definitely the same level of intensity so it makes sense.Sean is really excited because did you know? He loves the outdoors. He is an outdoorsy man.

The women are thrilled to be at their fancy hotel too, but concerned about Sean after he was so serious at the last rose ceremony. Lesley somberly says, “Honestly, you could tell it – on his face.” Now, to be fair, Lesley is one of the more intelligent girls there but help me out, girl.

Catherine, who is vegan but has managed to only mention it once, bless her, is going on the first one-on-one this week. She’s pretty adorable, and I kind of am hoping she becomes a front-runner. She beams at the camera, “I know today is just gonna be perfect,” and looks like a cuddly woodland creature.

Cut to her standing on the middle of an ice-field completely alone and presumably freezing her vegan ass off. She tells us she was “scared as hell” and then over the hill, appears a snow trekking vehicle from the Ice Planet Hoth. They play and giggle and have fun all their merry way in the snow bus, and then they play and giggle and have more funsicles up on a glacier! They are basically bunnies. They are bunnies.

They share some hot chocolate from a thermos (ROMANCE), and Catherine says she hasn’t had chocolate since she was “like, four”. Which is a HUGE missed opportunity to consume delicious beverages on her part. I also have to wonder if it’s Vegan, because even the powdered stuff have dehydrated dairy in it, no?

Sean tells us that Catherine has passed “the Blizzard Test” and then tries his hand at comedy one more time by saying, “Canada, eh?” to Catherine and boy does she giggle! They are discovering what comedy is together! Ha, ha, ha, oh, JOKES!

THEY GET IN A SURREY WITH THE FRINGE ON TOP to take them to the dinner portion of their date in an ICE CASTLE. BUT SURREY WITH THE FRINGE ON TOP. It’s very romantic and nice. Then Catherine tells a sob-story about how one time a tree fell on her best friend and killed her before her eyes when she was twelve. Now, look. This is terrible. This is indeed traumatic and probably formative, but relevant? Not sure. Important to your romance? Probably not? Whatever, Sean eats it all up and is googley eyed over her.

To let her know just how special she is, Sean gives her the rose like he’s given to all the other girls who are still here at least five times.

GROUP DATE. We have an exhilarating challenge that will follow a canoe trip across Lake Louise. Based on yesterday’s relay race, this will not be the easiest day. Also, once again, Sarah the girl with one arm is forced to do an activity best served by two hands and two arms. But, surprisingly, she does really well and aces it.

Lesley is in Sean’s boat and all the other girls are jealous that she volunteered to be in his boat when he asked.

When they reach the other side of the lake, Sean reveals that they will be completing a polar bear plunge! It’s a glacial lake, so the water is just above freezing. The girls are not obligated to complete this challenge, but Sean reminds them that YOLO. Then two Canadian life guards trot out to safety brief them. The girls look miserable. Selma is refusing. Tierra scowls. One lifeguard is ginger and looks like he has never seen other people before despite being a lifeguard. Maybe he’s a moose lifeguard, or bear lifeguard, or tree lifeguard because get it? There are no people in most of Canada.

Most girls are hesitant. Lindsay is thrilled. All we know is that it’s freezing but looks fun. I’ve done a polar bear plunge on New Years before and it is indeed exhilarating, but also painfully cold. That’s not really important. I just wanted to toss that out there.

With a selection of hikers watching, Selma prissily tells Sean no way will she do this. He half-heartedly encourages her to try it, but you can kinda tell he doesn’t care either way. Then Selma reminds us she is from Bagdad and doesn’t do cold, but she was also pissed that he brought an Iraqi to a desert so I guess there’s no winning with her.

The girls SCREECH into bikinis then SCREECH to the water’s edge, then SCREECH as they all take the final steps into the plunge and then, you guessed it, SCREECH as they run back to the tent to a flimsy little terry cloth robe. Somehow everyone’s makeup looks great. Then they SCRECH to camera about how great it felt, and how fun it was, and I’m like “YEAH, IT’S GREAT! I’M PROUD OF YOU TOO” and I realize I’ve been watching a lot of this show this week.

Then tragedy strikes. Tierra is gasping for air and hunched over and her makeup is dripping down her face like a monster. The ginger wildlifeguard has his time to shine as they wrap her in space blankets and race to a car to warm her little body. Faking it. She’s faking it.

Dez and Catherine see the emergency scene and are very concerned! They have no idea who it could be, and therefore don’t know it’s Tierra faking an illness once again. The medical team does very official work, and stabilize her. While they stabilize an already stabilized Tierra, she hunches and shakes like baby fetus Voldemort before Peter Pettigrew dumps him into his rebirth-soup.

And as she’s being wheeled into the lobby to get to the clinic, she squeaks out “I’ll miss time with him” in baby voice and then I die. I’m dead you guys. I’m a ghost. Tierra killed me. If you can manage baby voice, you are NOT EXPERIENCING HYPOTHERMIA.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group canoes back across the lake. Catherine and Dez rush to Tierra’s side to find out the actual f**k is going on. When asked, Tierra responds, “We had to jump in that glacier.” Yes. The glacier is a thing into which one can jump and then experience hypothermia, not Lake Louise the lake everyone’s been talking about non-stop for two days.

The producers of this show continue to be my best friends by cutting together scenes of the other girls arriving back at the suite to say how wonderful and fun the plunge was while Tierra gets her hair blowdried by a producer and then she’s in a robe with someone attending her feet while she shoves a cheeseburger in her psychotic mouth.

As she coyly hooks oxygen up to her face, Sean pops in to see how Tierra’s doing. She’s nothing but bashful and attention flirting. She says, “This guy better marry me!” as a funny joke to Sean and he somehow laughs instead of running for his life out of the room. “You keep managing to get one on one time with me,” he whispers. YEAH. Yeah. That’s accurate. He tells her she needs to sit out the dinner party that night, and yeah that’s really gonna work with that one.

The women seem to think the night will be daisies from here are excited for more time with the boyfriend they all share. Lesley and Sean make out. Sarah shows him pictures of her family, and he responds like anyone being forced to look at pictures of someone else’s family: with thinly veiled boredom.

Like clockwork, we see Tierra getting ready back at the hotel. She’s not having any fun. Baby Tierra needs to have fun and constant stimuli or she gets sour and fakes a disease. “I’m crazy cuz’ I’m wearin’ heels,” there’s that, and a whole bushel basket of other reasons you should be institutionalized, Tierra. But have fun at the party! Everyone super wants you there! Hope you get the rose!

She walks into a freshly silent room full of women who were talking about her seconds before. Then Lesley calls her a “Tierrorist” and I laugh! That’s a good one, Les! I really mean it, no sarcasm!

As he and Tierra talk, what I’m most struck by is that he not only likes this woman but can more than stand the sound of her voice. The sound of her voice makes me wish I was hanging out in Hades.

But look at that. Lesley gets the rose. Tierra’s look could kill. She obviously went to the party because she thought she had an automatic rose, but guess what, NOPE.

So the party ends, and the girls get back to the hotel, but then Sean walks in because he just “doesn’t see a forever” with one girl. It’s Sarah. He pulls her out. This is not good. This poor girl. Ooh, here we go.

Sarah does not see this coming. He lets her down gently, but she is sad, sad, sad. He says he feels he’s been trying to force a connection with her, and that he didn’t feel anything in the kiss they had tonight. Rude, but also honest, but also OH MY GOSH POOR SARAH! She’s totally done with the conversation.

He lets her go back to the room to pack her things, and as soon as he walks away she breaks down. It’s a rare moment on the show when we see raw, human emotion, and it’s hard to watch. She’s so sad because she feels like this has happened to her so often before. She’s wondering what’s wrong with her that guys always tell her she’s beautiful and amazing, but don’t want to be with her. GIRLFRIEND. Let’s hangout and eat ice-cream. You are the best. I’m sorry for having to go through real shit on TV.

Now it’s time to continue in Fear Factor Bachelor for Dez’s second one-on-one date! They take a nice long hike up a mountain, then Sean drops the bomb that they’ll be repelling to their picnic below! They trot out the MOST CANADIAN MAN OF ALL TIME to safety prep them for repeling. The MOST CANADIAN MAN OF ALL TIME is very friendly and teaches them how not to die. Sean creates the metaphor for how repelling is just like a relationship.

Dez manages to look adorable in her harness, and I’m pretty mad about it. No one looks cute in harness. Everyone looks terrible and bulgy in them. Except for Dez. She whimpers a lot of the way down, but Sean cheers her on with words and kisses, and they make it! Then Dez creates a metaphor for how repelling is just like a relationship.

They eat a picnic in a meadow and kiss grossly. Then they are candidly adorable and have a tree-climbing race. They race to climb up a tree and then kiss in the tree and it’s precious. Then they wreck it by shouting “Hello, Canada!” and man do these people love to shout about where they are.

Deep in the dark woods, the lovers happen upon a romantic teepee. Yes, that’s correct, a teepee. It’s pretty cute and probably offensive. They have a lovely conversation about how her childhood was tough because her family didn’t always have a home. She is a jewel of human. He gives her the rose for being the best.

Thank God we’re finally at the cocktail party. We’re almost there. Tierra is wearing a giant faux fur scarf over a flowy white dress. It’s weird. Selma decides she’s going to go against the wishes of her traditional and conservative family and kiss Sean. She sets it up very strange and leans in for a cold, fish-lipped, kiss that one might bestow upon an elderly aunt who insists you kiss her on the lips.

Sean and Lindsay make out a little.

Then AshLee decides to take control of giving up her control. Sean said he felt like she was struggling with trying to control everything, so she decides he will blindfold her and lead her around to symbolize her relinquishing control. This woman cries a lot. She has ghosts from her past, sure, but hold it together a little woman! It appears to all be worth it because he leads her to a bench and then kisses her face. It’s a little romantic, but it’s hard to get into a guy kissing a blindfolded girl.

In a real nail-biter of a rose ceremony, Sean sends home Daniella and Selma. Boy, I really hope Selma doesn’t regret compromising her morals for a bad kiss with a guy who wasn’t really even feeling her all that much. Also, good-bye sweet Daniella. You are as beautiful as you are dumb, may the publicity of this show bring you far in your broadcasting career.

Ok, kids. I’ve got a piece of strawberry cheesecake in the fridge with my name literally on it. I’m gonna eat that real quick, and dive right into the next recap! See you soon! XOXO

During The Women Tell All, Juan Pablo said "ees okay" to Andi several times because he knew she didn't like it. What a douche thing to do. He was so smug about it too!

Smug is the optimum word, for sure. He just had this chip on his shoulder that he couldn't shake off towards the end. I didn't start out hating this guy, but he didn't leave an inch of space for me to forgive him at any point along the way. Such a frustrating thing to watch. This interview with Chris Harrison after the finale is pretty interesting and seems to pinpoint some of the things I've been feeling about old JuanPa but couldn't put a finger on: http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=856726 …Leave it to Chris Harrison to bring me the peace of mind and understanding I need. Three cheers for Chrarrison!

#99 Toy Story - Not Just a Child's Play-thing

It's been just over a month since I had a dinner party at my place for the viewing of the 99th movie on the AFI list. At the rate I'm going, I'll be done with the challenge in...2014...crap...I need to step up my game. But at the risk of sounding despairing, let's just jump right into the run-down on this great American film.

The Good - The Bad - The Reason - The Food

                       The Good:

It's "Toy Story". It's a movie I loved when I was young and have learned to appreciate even more as I've grown up. This is, thanks to the careful crafting of John Lasseter, no accident. It was Pixar's goal when they set out to make a movie that would entertain the kids, but keep the parents happy too.  While this is now the norm, it was really one of the first "kids" movies to cater to both the adults as well as the kids.

It's seriously hilarious. When Buzz gets captured by Sid's little sister and gets all Stockholm-syndromy Mrs. Nesbitt?

              Truly horrifying child-villain Sid was voiced by late-90s teen heartthrob Erik von Detten.

So good.

It's a great story that has universal appeal. I think it's safe to say we all wished out toys would come to life and play along with us. Every single one of my Barbies had a unique name (the villain in the saga was played by a crop-haired fiend named Alanis), and I wished so hard every day that those dolls really came to life. Pixar tapped right into our wildest dreams and made them even cooler than we could have imagined. Best.

The Bad:

I think the bad in this case is more of a reflection on how good CG animation and Pixar has become over the years. The CG in "Toy Story" can at times look current and flawless, but sometimes the early stages of the process show through. There are a couple layers of blockiness they hadn't yet shaved off, and it can look strange. Again, this really reflects more on how far they have come in CG animation.

It's also short. Running at just 77 minutes, the pace moves along at quick a clip and can feel very hurried and a little chaotic. Compare this to "WALL-E" where we spend the first big chunk of the movie with two non-speaking robots, and it's a noticeable difference.

The Reason:

When "Toy Story" came out in 1995, it was the first ever completely CG-animated feature-length film. Now, almost twenty years later, CG-animation has become the absolute norm and it's because of the precedent set by Pixar. And, like I mentioned before, it was one of the very first family films that put jokes and bits in specifically for the parents/adults/older audience members. Just like in "Ben-Hur", I think "Toy Story's" position is based on how many precedents it has set. 

                                          Woody and Buzz Lightyear, voiced by Mayor of Hollywood Tom  Hanks and Michigan-native, Chevy-driving, Campbell’s soup-lover Tim Allen.

There are so many quotable lines that pop-up frequently in our generation. All of Woody's token pull-string phrases get dropped whenever anyone so much as says the word "boot". I dare you to say "Somebody's poisoned THE WATER HOLE!!!" to someone and wait for the inevitable "There's a snake in my boot!" or "Rrrreeeaaach for the skyyyyy"

On an end note, to really get a great idea of the kind of work and time and love went into "Toy Story", I recommend checking out the documentary "The Pixar Story." It's sweet and funny as well as an interesting look at all aspects of their very unique creative process.

The Food!

The obvious choice for the food would have been Pizza Planet pizza, but I didn't feel like slapping together a little 'za. I wanted to make something that would evoke childhood, a simpler time. I wanted the kind of food I would have scarfed down in between the hours of playing with Beanie Babies, Barbies, and Breyer horses (what was my thing about "B" toys?).

                                          This is Tour Guide Barbie from "Toy Story 2". Mattel was hesitant to use Barbie in the first film, unsure of how it would fare in theaters. When it became a huge success, they went in for the 2nd and 3rd.

I went with a six-cheese macaroni and cheese and hot dog casserole. I made a basic white-sauce then added one cup of cheddar, 1/2 cup of smoked cheddar, 1/2 of 4-cheese Italian blend (thanks Kraft!). The bottom of the casserole dish also had some of the Italian blend sprinkled. Mixed in with the cavatappi noodles were Nathan's all-beef hot dogs. Topped off with seasoned breadcrumbs, bacon bits, and parmesan cheese, I popped the dish into the oven until the crust was golden brown and all cheese bubbly.

It.was.so.good. We ate up every last bite.

We took a brief intermission during the movie to eat dessert. I made blonde-brownies following the recipe on the back of Nestle chocolate chips. Then cut them into bars and made ice-cream sandwiches! Delicious and rich and a little difficult to eat.

But it wouldn't feel like childhood if you didn't end up wearing most of your dessert, right?

throwback to the bachelor... but am I the only one who noticed that they literally never ate the dinners. on dates there would be delicious food laid out before them and a gosh darn heaping of grapes and they never effing touched it. also, hometowns. thanks mom for making this meal for national tv and no one will eat it what?? I don't get it

This is one of my great pet peeves with the show. When do they eat?! During Emily's season especially it got to me so much that I remember screaming at the TV watching her and Jef go around the London Eye with two spectacular trifles/parfaits sitting in front of them that remained completely untouched even as they exited.

My theory for hometown food is that producers force everyone to cater the food and then just pretend to make it at home.

WHY WON'T THEY EAT THOUGH? FOOD IS SO GOOD.