*voice Echoing Through The Subterranean Caverns And Halls Of The Catacombs* Whatever Man. Are We Gonna

like, a god of death or whatever, standing on my lawn: you’re about to experience the wrath of a god

me, who was watering my plants and turned at the sound of voice, thereby accidentally spraying them w/ the hose: oh, wow, i’m so sorry dude, shit

i need this

i don’t like getting hatecrimed over the phone so when i’m at work and old men ask if i have a husband i just say yes and make up a new guy. today someone said “i bet you keep your husband in line with an attitude like that” and i just said “yes he’s so scared of me”

They wrote the word gullible on my lung while I was under for surgery :(

i walk into a room & several people yell "trigger warning: f slur!"

Stingwater Jacquard Knit

i love the x files

You ever think about the kind of guy who makes a cursed amulet? Like, “ooh hoo hoo, whoever puts this on is gonna have a nasty surprise!” Get a real hobby.