I Live And Die By The Big Beat Manifesto 🎧🎤🎵🥁

IG @ARTBY_HZ

I don't know what I did to deserve you. Well, believe it, baby. I'm all yours.

Two years ago when I was inpatient, I made a friend that I could study scripture with and offer up prayer requests. He offered to pray with me, over me, quite a few times... untii one night I finally agreed. We strolled down to the end of the hallway after groups had let out where it'd be quieter. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, me being quite short and he taller, somewhat pulled me into his side as he began to pray.

"Lord protect her from the men here, for these men are like wolves coming for her... protect this woman, no this, well she's more like a - little girl- Father --"'"Lord protect her from the men here, for these men are like wolves coming for her... protect this woman, no this, well she's more like a - little girl- Father --"

At this point, my mind snapped out of the prayer and began to wonder. "Little girl??"

Who the hell is he calling 'little girl'! After he finished the prayer, I decided that I was fine being alone with my faith during my stay.

A few days later, in group, I had taken a seat at the table in front of the large room full of chairs so I could color during session. The table was there for those of us that found it hard to pay attention or focus, those who fidgeted a lot, and simply needed to multi-task.

The group leader that day began a discussion with a question. She asked if there was a time or way that we felt underestimated, or doubted, when we were judged with preconcieved notions based on appearance or other factors.

I raised my handn almost immediately, to which she called on. "I feel that way here," I started, resuming coloring the cute animal picture in front of me. "I find child-like therapy very productive and soothing, considering I didn't have any semblance of a proper childhood. It's good to nurture and reconnect with your inner child - I like coloring, stuffed animals, stickers, crafts - and because of this, I've even been called a little girl.

Which is quite the opposite of what I am. I have debilitating chronic illnesses invisible to most that I fight everyday and am truly a warrior."

I knew he was sitting in the room, and heard me.

I DO love stuffies and glow in the dark everything, stickers, puzzles, coloring books, crafts, juice, cartoons - all of it.

Our inner child is still there, always. Just hiding. After 28 years, I found her. 💗

The path ahead is treacherous. pt 2

"The path ahead is treacherous, but it is rewarding."

My heart sank deep into my stomach as I read the ominous message from my fortune cookie. It was a message from my guides, and very real, I was certain. Chills ran up my spine. As my heart began to race, I glanced down at my arms to notice goosebumps raising. These are small inclinations that spirit is close by.

My eyes scrolled over the text again.

The path ahead is treacherous.

The path had already been quite bloody treacherous, and there were even more dark storm clouds looming on the horizon. I could feel the heaviness in the air, sinkiing into my skin, down into my bones, taking up residence inside of my cells and atoms.

It's nearly laughable how many times I've fucked myself over because I ignore my foresight, doubt strong warnings in my gut, or simply decide that "I am not going to be affected by this (usually the stars)."

I took this as a very, very serious warning. I saw how the first part of the journey would inevitably end, but how it'd come to pass, I couldn't truly know or guess.

--

Several years later, I'm hunched over on on my father's basement couch, sobbing into my palms, broken, bruised, when the fortune from so long ago comes to mind.

This is the beginning, of the end, finally, I realized.

I came here to start over....

The light within the darkness -- I’ve lost sight of it. 

Together when the moon sets

I love you to the moon and back 

we exist in moments.