Tum Thaq Ke Idhar Aana

this was always going to happen.

matthew stover, david levithan, margarita karapanou, aeschylus, karese burrows, richard siken

1. Introduction

It’s a cool yet sunny Thursday, typical March weather in New York City. As I watch the sunshine through the window at work while patting my boss’ dog, I think about myself and how far I’ve come. My name is Caroline, I am originally from Brazil and I’m only 25. Right now you may be thinking, “you’re 25, what do you know about life?”, well, I’ve lived through some shit and, so far, I’ve survived all of them.

I suffer from a personally disorder called borderline personality disorder — also called emotional unstable personality disorder, or simply bpd/eupd, it basically means that I see the world in a different way, for better or for worse. As though having bpd does not define me, being diagnosed at 25 has changed my whole life and world perception, and it also made a lot of “unexplainable things” that happen to me make sense. My goals writing this blog are to simply show some insights into the mind of someone with bpd and that, even though it’s very challenging, it’s possible to achieve recovery.

I hope you can follow me through my journey and feel safe to share your insights with me too.

On this day (28 March) in 1941, Virginia Woolf filled the pockets of her overcoat with rocks and walked into the River Ouse near her home. She left this suicide/love letter for her husband Leonard. Dearest, I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.

Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

Richard Siken, Crush (Little Beast)

George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones (A Song of Ice and Fire)

Margaret Atwood

Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

Yves Olade, Bloodsport

And how do you run away from what never goes away??

birds of america by lorrie moore // snow and dirty rain by richard siken // motion sickness - phoebe bridgers // quote by katherine mansfield // normal people (2020) // night shift - lucy dacus // all about love by bell hooks // underneath by jorie graham // faithful and virtuous night by louise glück // god’s silence by franz wright

بی خبر از حال هم بودن چه سود؟

برمزار مردگان خویش نالیدن چه سود؟

What good is it to be unaware of each other’s state?

What good is it to mourn over each other’s grave?

زنده را تا زنده است باید به فریادش رسید

ورنه بر سنگ مزارش آب پاشیدن چه سود ؟

Reach the call of those so long as they live.

Otherwise what good is it to pour water over their tomb?

گر نرفتی خانه اش تا زنده بود

خانه صاحب عزا خوابیدن چه سود؟

If you didn’t visit their homes while alive

What good is it to visit the homes of the dead?

تا زمانی زنده ایم بایکدیگر بیگانه ایم

در عزاها روی همدیگر بوسیدن چه سود؟

We are strangers to each other so long as we are living

What good is it to greet each other with kisses while mourning?

گر توانی زنده ای را شاد کن

درعزا عطر و گلاب ناب پاشیدن چه سود؟

If you can, make a living person happy

What good is it to decorate the cemetery with flowers and perfume?

گر نرفتی خانه اش تا زنده بود

خانه صاحب عزا تا سحر خوابیدن چه سود؟

If you didn’t visit their homes while alive

What good is it to visit the homes of the dead?

گر نپرسی حال من تا زنده ام

گریه و زاری و نالیدن چه سود؟

If you do not ask me of me when I live

What good is it to cry and mourn (when I die)?

زنده را در زندگی قدرش بدان

ورنه مشکی از برای مرده پوشیدن چه سود؟

Know the value of the living so long as they live

Otherwise what good is it to wear black for the dead?

گر نکردی یاد او تا زنده بود

سنگ مرمر روی قبرش وانهادن ها چه سود؟

If you didn’t remember them so long as they lived

What good is to place a marble tombstone over their grave?

Bahāʾ al‐Dīn Muḥammad ibn Ḥusayn al‐ʿĀmilī - What Good

A wind blew from the invisible world

A wind blew from the invisible world

And scorched the garden of appearances

A wind blew from the invisible world

And scorched the garden of appearances

But on the branch of grief's tree, a bud

But on the branch of grief's tree, a bud

Let's call it the heart, remained green

Neither you remained nor I remained

Only unawareness remained

Listen to the confounding story of love

Listen to the confounding story of love

Listen to the confounding story of love

Neither obsession nor beauty remained

Neither you remained nor I remained

Only unawareness remained

Listen to the confounding story of love

Listen to the confounding story of love