How To Start Studying After School

Why Dean Winchesters ending will never be forgiven.

(People who are giving 10* reviews DO NOT understand the depth of the individual characters. You are saying things like “the ending was perfect” and “others are just mad they didn’t get their ship.” This is simply NOT true. This essay is for you.)

It’s about every single character individually. To understand each character you must be able to understand complex psychological arcs and profound emotions. Especially Dean’s life and his story is INSANELY complex and needs days, maybe weeks to be unwrapped and analyzed in depth. To please you, I will try to write about Dean’s story without mentioning Castiel, but the simple truth is, Cas is a massive part of Deans arc.

Stop saying Dean’s death was beautiful or poignant or fitting or how it was supposed to be, ‘cause HELL it was not, it was the exact opposite. It was the worst way they could’ve ended his life and his story. It was exactly what Dean never wanted.

Dean’s childhood was highly abusive. Dean was 4 years old when he saw his mother burning alive and learned that monsters are real. In that age he developed PTSD and stopped talking. Dean had a childhood with a father that was an alcoholic and physically and mentally abusive, who had believed that Dean had a “killer instinct". When Dean was about 6 years old, John forced him into a nurturing role for Sam. In the same age Dean was forced into the soldiers role as well when John taught him how to shoot and hunt. Dean had to obey orders without questioning. If he acted “out of line,” (aka something John didn’t like) John chewed him out or left them alone. Dean was trained to be Daddy’s blunt instrument. Dean gave up his own life to keep Sam safe, because he had no other choice. More than a brother Dean had to be a father and a mother to Sam. He suppressed everything, every psychological pain, every emotion, he just lived to protect Sam and to obey as Johns blunt little soldier. Short: Dean gave up HIMSELF for Sam and John.

Now that I explained the fundamentals to you, you can understand that Dean never had anything. Everything always was just Sam. Not because he wanted to, because he was forced into it. Dean hated himself, he was suicidal. He was convinced he isn’t worthy of anything, especially not being loved. Dean never had a life for his own, never had a choice, never had a chance, never had own original thoughts, never felt safe or loved. He was used to being left. He felt like he was nothing. Worthless. He was dead inside. Broken. You can’t even imagine that level of pain and suffering. 

Dean thought that way his whole life. I am going to write that again to make this very clear: Dean thought that way his whole life. You can’t imagine the burden he carried on his shoulders, it’s a miracle he stood upright. Dean never wanted that life! He was forced into it! Dean had at least 3 very important scenes where you can clearly see how his mindset changed little by little. He wanted to change, he wanted to retire! 

Then something happened. Someone opened his eyes. Someone who saw Dean exactly the way he is, looked him into his eyes and told him the truth: He is not Daddy’s blunt instrument. He is worthy. He is loved so much that someone dies for him and only for him. Someone wants Dean to finally live his life. The life he always deserved, his own life! Someone is saying, you gave everything you had your whole life, but I am willing to give everything I have for only you. Unconditionally. Dean is shocked. How is it possible someone loves him that much? And even more: The ONLY one who ever grew outside of GOD’s control, the ONLY one that was real in his whole Chuck-written life, the only one who CHOSE to stay loved him unconditionally!?

For the first time, he understood he is not the way he saw himself his whole life. I just have to say that: Castiel was the ONLY real thing in Deans life. His confession was fundamental to Dean to finally accept his own goodness and the value of his life and love, of his identity. It was the moment of breaking free of the structure that had controlled and corrupted him his entire life. It was the only way out of his abusive and traumatizing cage to experience something for his own the very first time. For the first time in his life he has a chance. A choice! His own life! Free will, baby!

7 days. 1 rusty nail. The end.

Shocked? You should be.

stem dark academia is what i aspire to be. Well maybe one day when i finish high school.Things are different here in india.

I spent most of life abroad but had to come back to india and putting it frankly it has been difficult.I used to love going to school, I had an amazing friend group which helped me grow,kind teachers who teach because they love it and not just because its their job and they have no other options but coming here, for my teenage years especially was weird.

My old school had a multi-cultural environment so i was used to dealing with many different types people but the people here were so different to 13 year old me.

That love of learning just disappears because of the amount of pressure thats thrust upon the kids here.We are expected to have our whole life figured out not to mention the tests,the absolute bias and the teachers who hate their job.

But,that being said i have met some people who make it better and my parents were a solid support.Which leads to another thing i found puzzling ,the students hatred towards their parents.I understands where it stems from as like most asian parents they have high expectations and do not give praise or support easily. To be completely honest I too have felt that way sometimes but I love spending time with parents and when I say this to other people i get odd looks.

Yes, the schooling system produces brilliant kids but they seem to have no free will,they don’t seem to have any ambitions and dreams of their own.That passion for studying just slowly slips away and i’m trying my hardest to hold on to it.

For example,I was a straight A student, top of my class but coming here everything you accomplish is just brushed aside and your treated as mediocre and dumb.That self-esteem you once had just crumples away into nothing.

Even if you get that perfect score its treated as nothing because thats the average and the thought that theres always going to be someone better than you literally haunts you every second of everyday.

And you know whats worse, the students here think that these all these horrible feelings are normal.The only reason i’m able to contrast and identify these sticking points is because i wasn’t raised here. And don’t even get me started on that peer pressure and competition.

This self-hate, anxiety and depression just fester and turn you into a completely different person.10th grade is literally just people telling you that you arent good enough or aren’t hard-working or just straight out stupid.

*deep breath**sigh*THANK YOU FOR READING MY TED TALK 

I just really needed to get that out of my system

PS:yes this may not only be in India and I know that millions of people feel the same way and in no way am I stating that you aren’t feeling the same pressure and i’m definitely not diminishing anyone else’s experiences. This is my brain dump so pls don’t judge :)

also i’m really new hiiiii guys

stem dark academia is so beautiful.

scratched notes of equations, detailed diagrams with annotations of bones & blood vessels, old notebooks containing maths problems invented & solved in a quiet afternoon.

classical music blasting from a cheap speaker. cold university dorms with posters of animal bones & carcass that were too beautiful to be passed.

debates over conservation expectations, dancing to the sound of rain after a long lecture. sleepless nights in the library, staring at a screen that no longer makes sense.

kind professors in tweed jackets & loose blouses, demonstrating how to calculate a sum, or take apart a specimen.

dirty fingernails from field work, dirty lab coats from schoolwork.

The sound of Cutting HoneyComb - Satisfying

part of the reason i love how bell hooks talks about masculinity is that she shows real compassion towards men suffering from the effects of toxic masculinity. she was conscious of how we need to unlearn the ways we talk about men + masculinity just as much as we need to unlearn the same for women + femininity. so many times ill see someone talking about toxic masculinity like (hyperbolizing here but only slightly) "these FUCKING STUPID BABY BITCHES won't MAN UP and go to a therapist!!!" and like. i get the anger. but you see feminists recreating patriarchal manhood by only promoting good behaviors through patriarchal frameworks. any use of the term "real men" is bad because it reifies the idea that manhood is a special title you must earn, and it is something possible to fail and fake. & as important as it is to promote sexual equality + the pleasure of non-cis-men, lots of people are essentially still working with the idea that men need sexual prowess to have worth but just shifting it slightly so there is more emphasis on women's pleasure. but I want cis men to think about their partners' pleasure because they care about their partners, not because they need to check a box in order to keep their man card. and don't get me started on small dick jokes– and the absolutely pitiful excuse people will use that "well, I don't believe it, but misogynistic men get upset when I say it, so it's okay!"

basically bell hooks is so fucking right. in order to create loving men we need to love men, simply for being alive, whether or not they are performing. as much as we need to actively unlearn misogyny (and we do), it's equally vital we unlearn patriarchal ways of seeing manhood. we can't just assume that taking a feminist perspective automatically means there is no work to be done there.

y'all can't have all five:

healthy coping mechanism

a good sleep schedule

serotonin

self esteem

at least two brain cells

PRO TIP: instead of thinking “i should be healthier/more organized/etc,” change your phrasing to “i’d like to become healthier” or “i’d like to learn to be more organized.” stop paralyzing urself with guilt for what you aren’t & start focusing on what you can be

Classic Duo: The happy golden retriever and the mischievous black cat

Okay, you need to make sure you play this game at some point. Maybe not today or anything, because you’ll need about thirty minutes and a serious willingness to understand how it works, but - it’s so worth it. It’s basically an answer to our occasional frustration - why do assholes always come out on top? - and the beautiful thing about it is that not only does it explain how that happens, but also how we can change it.

“In the short run, the game defines the players. But in the long run, it’s us players who define the game.”