ROBERTA LET THE BEAUTIFUL MAN SPEAK. 😡

Happy Two Days from Halloween! Have some quotes!! (Part 12)

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Jared, to Evan: If Karma doesn't hit you, then I fucking will.

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Alana: If you got arrested.. what would be the charges?

Jared: Theft.

Evan: Disturbing the peace?

Zoe: Aggravated assault.

Miguel: Arson.

Connor: All of the above. In that order, probably.

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Evan: So, did everyone learn their lesson?

Zoe: No.

Miguel: I did not

Connor: I think I may have actually forgotten one-

Jared: Also no.

Evan: Oh good, neither did I.

Alana: *Exhausted sigh*

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Jared: I'm the smartest person in my friend group.

Alana: You hang out with Evan, Zoe, Connor, and Miguel.

Alana: It's not as high a compliment as you think.

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Connor: The floor is lava!

Alana: *Helps Zoe onto the counter*

Miguel: *Kicks Evan off of the sofa*

Jared: *Lays on the floor*

Evan: Are you.. are you okay-?

Jared: No.

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Evan: Fine! Judge all you want, but-

Evan, pointing to Zoe, then to himself: Dated a gay person!

Evan, pointing to Jared: Left a man at the altar!

Evan, pointing to Alana: Fell in love with a gay ice dancer!

Evan, pointing to Connor: Threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire!

Evan, pointing at Miguel: And you live in a box!

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Jared: Evs is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips. What should I do?

Connor: Punch him in the stomach. Then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him.

Zoe: Tackle him!

Miguel: Dump him-

Evan: NO TO ALL OF THOSE! JUST ASK ME TO BEND DOWN!

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*Squad's reaction to being told that their 'the chosen one'*

Alana: I will not let you down.

Zoe: Sounds fun.

Connor: K.

Jared: No, I'm fucking not.

Miguel: Do I HAVE to?...

Evan: Please God, I am so tired.

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Evan: Is the slap mark still visible?

Connor: Your face looks like a don't walk signal.

Zoe: Your face looks like a photo negative for the hamburger helper box.

Alana: Gonna be honest... A palm reader could tell the person who did that's future just by looking at your face.

Jared: The phrase 'talk to the hand cuz the face ain't listening' doesn't work for you because the hand IS your face.

Evan:

Evan: Y'know, the word 'yes', isn't hard to say. At all.

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Zoe: DUMBEST SCAR STORIES, GO!

Alana: I.. burned my tongue once drinking tea :(

Connor: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and it burned.

Evan: I have a piece of graphite in my leg from the first grade when I accidentally stabbed myself with a pencil.

Miguel: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave, and it spilled on my hand and I got a really bad burn.

Jared:

Jared: All my scars are emotional. Mostly because I'm not an idiot.

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Evan: I am not at all proud of what I am about to say, but someone get me a cigarette.

Alana: But Evan, we don't smoke. And Connor hasn't for like, two months. Neither has Miguel.

Evan: Cut the crap... I'm not an idiot. I know that one in five people smoke.

Evan: *Points at Connor* One, *Points at Miguel* two, *Points at Jared* three, *points at Zoe* four, *Points at Alana* five.

Evan: Now, I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them, there better be a cigarette in my hand.

Jared: *Sighs*

Jared: *Puts a cigarrette in Evan's hand*

Evan: Thank you. ...Light?

*All simultaneously pull out lighters*

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Alana: Christmas lights?

Evan: Check.

Alana: Thermos of hot cocoa?

Evan: Check.

Alana: Santa suits?

Evan: Check.

Alana: Shovel?

Evan: Check.

Jared: Alibi and bail money?

Evan: Chec-- wAIT WHAT?!

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Evan: Jared kissed me!

Alana: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Evan: It was just- so- unbelievable!

Alana: AAA! OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOSH!

Zoe: Okay, we want to hear everything. Alana, get the wine and unplug the phone. Evan, does this end well or do we need tissues?

Evan: Oh no, it ended very well.

Alana: Do. Not. Start. Without. Me!

Zoe: Alright, now let's hear about that kiss. Was it like, a soft brush up against your lips or was it a, you know.. "I gotta have you now" kinda thing?

Evan: Well, at first it was really intense, y'know? And then.. Oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.

Zoe: Ohhh... so was he holding you? Or was his hands on your back?

Evan: First they started on my waist in then they slid up and were in my hair.

Alana: Awhh!

Zoe: Ooo~

*Meanwhile*

Jared, eating pizza with Connor at his house: So then we like, kissed. I guess.

Connor: Tongue?

Jared: Yeah.

Connor: Cool.

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Evan: Stressed.

Jared: Depressed.

Connor: Possessed.

Zoe: Obsessed.

Miguel: Impressed.

Alana: Chicken breasts-

Zoe: What the fuck?

Alana: Sorry, I know, I just wanted to join in.

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Zoe: You know, when Evan comes over.. Connor can get a little bit...

Jared: Psycho?

Alana: Scary?

Miguel: Drunk?

Zoe: All three.

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Zoe: Out of Connor, Evan, Jared, me and Miguel, if you had to, who would you punch?

Alana: None of you! Your my friends and I wouldn't punch any of you!

Jared: It would be Evan, wouldn't it?

Alana: ...Okay yes, but I don't know why.

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Jared: Is it just me or is instant ramen better uncooked?

Evan: It's just you.

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Connor: You spent all your money on THIS?!

Miguel, putting tiny raincoats on baby ducks: They live outside. They need this.

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Connor: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed on the souls of the living, I strike fear into-

Zoe: You sleep with a teddybear.

Connor: hE IS THE SECOND IN COMMAND OF MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!

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Jared: Why don't humans have a specific noise that means "There are bees here, let's leave immediately." Why are elephants so much more advanced than us.

Evan: We do have a specific noise for it. It sounds like this:

Evan: "There are bees here, let's leave immediately."

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Jared: Kill me nowwwwwwWWWWWWW

Evan: No can do. I need you for help with my homework.

*Insert Jared glaring at him*

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Evan: N.. No!

Jared: A fair rebuttal. However, consider the counterpart:

Jared: Y...yes?????

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Connor: Are you tall enough to play basketball, though?

Jared: Are you calling me short?

Connor: I'm calling you vertically challenged.

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Evan: Tomorrow's garbage day.

Jared: I can't believe they made an entire day just dedicated to you.

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Alana: Hey, aren't you Connor Murphy?

Connor: Are you a cop?

Alana: N..no?

Connor: Then yes.

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Miguel: Life could be worse, Connor.

Connor: Yeah, life could be a lot better too!

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Jared: Ah, ready for another fantastic day of being better than Evan.

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Evan: Are you a masochist or a sadist?

Jared, deadpanning: I'm a Taurus.

in "what would I do" marvin says hed do it again. what if each time its performed, its a chance for marvin to do something different. but each night he chooses whizzer, and each night he loses him. marvin really does do it over and over again.

forgot I still knew how to do art traditionally

yes, Jared

because clearly that’s how you flirt duh of course

in trousers for me is a great example of yes i love this i am obsessed with this no i would not recommend it to anyone

Incorrect Quotes Are Nice

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Jared: You really think I give a fuck? I can't even read.

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Evan: Okay, okay. Stop asking me if I identify as gay, straight, bi, whatever. I identify as a FUCKING THREAT.

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Connor: When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is, having a look around the room and saying 'Haven’t decided yet' is typically a good response.

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Alana: Died, and came back as a cowboy. I call that reintarnation.

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Jared: What doesn't kill me should run, because now i'm fucking pissed.

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Evan: I was born for politics. I have great hair, and I love lying.

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Zoe: Dear friends, your Christmas gift this year… is me. That’s right, another year of friendship. Your membership has been renewed.

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Jared: Well, well, well, well... if it isn't my old friend: the dawning realization that I fucked up bad.

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Alana: I'm going to defeat you with the power of friendship!! ....And this knife I found.

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Jared: You'll have a hard time believing this because it never happens, but I made a mistake.

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Connor: Goodnight moon, goodnight trees;

Connor: Goodnight ghosts that only I can see.

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Jared: I'd like to offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals.

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Evan: My life is as glamorous as my wanted poster makes it look like.

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Jared: 'Person of interest' is too flattering.

Jared: Like, if the police were to pound on my door and go, 'A man has been murdered in your building, and you are a person of interest,' I'd be like, 'Moi? Oh, do go on.'

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Zoe: BEHOLD, The field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

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Alana: I’m sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don’t know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It’s rude.

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Jared: I've come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than fuck

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Connor: Fool me once, i'm gonna kill you

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Evan: Schrödinger’s cat is overrated. If you wanna see something that’s both dead and alive you can talk to me any time of the day.

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Jared: People are always asking me: 'Are you a morning person, or a night person?'

Jared: And I'm just like, 'Buddy, i'm barely even a PERSON!'

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Evan: Some of you may die, but that's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

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Zoe: With great power comes great need to take a nap.

Zoe: Wake me up later.

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Jared: bitches b like “im baby” but have childhood trauma and neglect like wtf do u know about being baby u were forced to grow up from an early age anyways.

Jared: ...I’m bitches.

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Connor: You seem familiar, have I threatened you before?

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Jared: You can de-escalate any situation by simply saying, 'Are we about to kiss?'

Jared: Doesn't work for getting out of speeding tickets, by the way.

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Connor, playing a VR game: You see, that’s the thing. It PROBABLY is fine. It’s PROBABLY 100% okay. There are PROBABLY no spiders in this headset.

Connor: BUT- as you may be able to relate to- If you find a spider in your headset, and then have to put that headset on to play video games...

Connor: YoU jUsT dOn'T gEt ToO cOMfOrTaBlE.

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Alana, gesturing to a Halloween display: All these ghosts! All these ghosts, and I still can't find a boo!

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Jared: So apparently the 'bad vibes' I've been feeling are actually severe psychological distress

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Connor: Physically? Yeah, I could fight a bird. But, emotionally? Imagine the toll.

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Evan: You wanna see how hardcore I am?

Evan: *Punches wall*

Evan:

Evan: Take me to the hospital.

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Shapeshifter: *transforms to look like Jared*

Jared: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.

yes all my favorite characters are desperate to be loved. no i don’t think that says anything about me

IM SORRY WHAT?

WHAT?

I LOVE THIS

Dear Evan Hansen: Character appreciation weeks

A fandom event to appreciate each character individually! Each week a new character—check out the full timeline here.

WEEK TWO: Jared Kleinman

From October 31st until November 6th

PROMPTS:

Friendship

Camp

Tech

Loneliness

Jealousy

Humor

Jewish

(prompts are optional, but you’re welcome to use them if you wish!)

Make sure to tag @sincerely-us so I can reblog your works!

where did you find the beforehand dialogue

I'm not crying, you're crying

Did you guys know that right when More Racquetball ends, and Charlotte takes Whizzer back, if you're wearing headphones, you can hear Marvin say "What?" in the most heartbreaking tone imaginable? Because he didn't expect Whizzer to need to go to the hospital? Because I fucking didn't.