Could You Perhaps Mean Our Lord And Savior Christian Borle?

*andrew trying to pretend like he didn't just go through the whole of a day in falsettoland*

Why does Whizzer sleep like an ill victorian child??

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MORE DEH INCORRECT QUOTES HAHA!!! (Mostly Kleinsen; Warning lol)

-

Jared: Hey, are you okay?

Evan: Yeah.

Jared: You don't look okay...

Evan: Then stop looking.

-

Evan: Why are you drinking?

Jared: I drink when I'm depressed.

Evan: But you're always drinking?

Jared: *smug grin*

-

Jared, trying to comfort Evan: What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there.

-

Miguel: I am in charge of this disaster!

Connor: I have a name, you know.

-

Jared: I have issues.

Evan: Finally, you admit it! The first step to redemption is to accept-

Jared: With you.

-

Jared: My only talent is being stress.

Alana: Don't you mean stressed?

Jared: No.

-

Evan: Are you ever going to listen to me?

Jared: Yes. Absolutely.

Evan: When?

Jared: When you're right.

-

Connor: You have your weirdly sincere humility.

Jared: I prefer the term "self-loathing", actually.

-

Jared: What? I'm not aggressive!

Evan: Last Tuesday, you wacked me with a pair of crocs and stole my chocolate chips?

Jared: Survival of the fittest, bitch.

-

Evan: Why are you on fire?

Jared: This is just how my day is going.

-

Evan: Dammit! You ruin everything!

Jared, finger-gunning: Your welcome.

-

Jared: *Seductively takes off glasses*

Jared: Wow...

Evan: *Blushes* Haha... what?

Jared: You're really fucking blurry.

-

Miguel: You remind me of the ocean.

Connor: Because I'm deep and mysterious?

Miguel: No, because you're full of salt and you scare people.

-

Miguel: When I said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a conch shell!

Connor: *Struggling to hold a seagull* Fucking say that next time!

-

Connor: I’m sad.

Miguel: Don’t be sad, because sad backwards is das.

Miguel: And das not good.

-

Jared: Wanna get out of here and grab a bite to eat.

Evan: I don’t usually eat with losers.

Jared: Neither do I but I asked you, didn’t I?

-

Jared: Remember what I told you.

Evan: 'Don't be a cunt.'

-

Jared: Hey, you wanna tarot card reading?

Evan: Those are Pokemon cards-

Jared: You got a magikarp.

Evan: ...

Jared: It means 'fuck you.'

-

Evan: Pardon the intrusion, but-

Jared: On this moment, or just my life in general?

-

Connor: I can never give Miguel shit because I’m jealous of him. He looks at his life and says, “Sweet! This is perfect!”

Connor: I look at my life and say, “Welp. Time to get drunk.”

-

Evan: How much did you spend on this date?

Jared: $1400. But all of it's on credit cards, so it's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years.

-

Jared: You’ve got to learn to love yourself.

Evan: But don't you hate yourself.

Jared: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.

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DEH Quotes #16! <3 (Incorrect)

-

Evan: What do we call disobeying the law?

Connor: A hobby.

Evan: *Glares at him*

Connor: That I don't engage in?

-

Jared: Alcohol is delicious! I mean MAlicious. Sorry guys, I'm really drunk right now.

-

Evan: What do rainbows mean to you?

Connor: Gay rights.

Jared: There's money-?

Zoe: The promise of God to never destroy the Earth with a flood again.

Alana: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops.

-

Jared: Isn’t it weird that we can’t ride any other animal except horses. Like if horses weren’t a thing, humans would be fucked cause we couldn’t ride any other animals. Like riding animals wouldn’t really be a thing. We should probably be more grateful to horses.

Evan: Elephants?..

Jared: Blocked.

Alana: Camels.

Jared: Extra blocked.

Miguel: DONKEYS???

Jared: Ultra blocked.

Connor: That dick-

Jared:

Jared: Followed,

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Evan: Your a lying piece of shit!

Jared: Oh yeah? You're the idiot that thinks you can get away with everything you do, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!

Connor: I'm leaving and I'm taking custody of Miguel!

Alana, aggressively putting away the Monopoly board: Aaaaaand that's enough Monopoly for today!

-

Alana: What makes you all smile?

Evan: Friends and family!

Zoe: Snacks.

Connor: I dunno, victory and success?

Jared: Face muscles-

-

Zoe: I'm going to be an adult in two years and I only have a vague idea of what I'm going to do.

Jared: I’m gonna be an adult in less than a year and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

Evan: I'm with you there...

Connor: I'm an adult and I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

Alana: Three types of people.

-

*The Gang's thoughts on stabbing:

Alana: Would never stab anyone.

Evan: Would stab someone in retaliation.

Jared: Yells "I won't hesitate, bitch!" first.

Miguel: Would stab without warning.

Connor: Would stab as a warning.

-

Evan: You know what I learned from my friendship with Jared?

Zoe: There’s no such thing as "too mean"?

Alana: Never let your friends know for sure if you like them?

Connor: Always hold a grudge-??

-

11 y/o Evan: Jared won't wear his glasses-

12 y/o Jared: Evs, look, I wore the glasses for today and now I can see so much better. See?

12 y/o Jared: *Points at 10 y/o Zoe* That's Zoe,

12 y/o Jared: *Points at 10 y/o Alana* That's Alana,

12 y/o Jared: *Points at 13 y/o Connor* And that's Sasquatch.

-

Connor: Plants have feelings too?! What is this?? Now I can't even eat my food???

Zoe: You can eat a rock.

Alana: Air-

Miguel, cracking up: The fabric of time and space-

Jared: Chugging a bottle of bleach can solve all your problems.

Evan: You guys are NOT helpful.

-

Zoe: Alright, let's play Kiss Marry Kill.

Zoe: First, who would you kill?

Evan: *Points at Jared*

Connor: *Points at Jared*

Miguel: *Points at Jared*

Jared: *Shrugs* Yeah, I'd probably kill me too.

-

Evan: Look guys, I need help.

Jared: Love help?

Alana: Financial help?

Zoe: Emotional help?

Connor: Help moving a body?

*Everybody looks at Connor*

Connor: ...What?

-

Connor: Don't go picking a fight with me. I could make your life very difficult.

Evan, sarcastically: Oh no. As if I would know what it felt like to have a difficult life.

-

Connor: From now on we will be using code names.

Connor: You can address me as Eagle One.

Connor: Evan is “been there done that”.

Connor: Zoe is “currently doing that”.

Connor: Miguel is “it happened once in a dream”.

Connor: Alana is “if I had to pick a dude/gal/enby”.

Connor: And Jared is..

Connor: Eagle Two

Jared: Oh thank fucking god.

-

Connor: *Coughs out blood*

Miguel: Don't die, Connor!

Connor: Don't tell me what to do!

-

Evan: How do you know how to kiss? Like who teaches you?

Jared: Well it’s actually a class, but unfortunately it’s full right now.

Jared: Would you like me to tutor you?

Alana: That was smooth.

-

Alana: You look mentally ill.

Jared: I am. Let's go.

-

Evan: I only have two emotions- exhaustion and stress. And I’m somehow always feeling both simultaneously.

-

Connor, high asf: Mint is just cold spicy.

The Squad: ...

Jared: What the actual fuck is wrong with you.

-

Connor: I have seen a lot of murders in my time, and all six of them were today.

-

Evan: Shut up, your messing with my train of thought!

Jared: I thought you didn't have a brain, and now your saying you have thoughts??

-

Jared: When I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case?

Evan: wHat?

Jared: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved.

Evan: Can we go back to the part when you said "when I get murdered"?

-

Jared: I have met some of the most insufferable people. But they also met me.

-

Evan: I have a new hoodie.

Jared: Wrong.

Jared: We have a new hoodie.

-

Alana: I'm going to ask you to be respectful.

Zoe: I will politely decline.

-

Connor: *writing a letter*

Connor: Dear Santa,

I'm writing to let you know I've been naughty...

And it was worth it you fat, judgemental bastard.

-

Jared: When I first met you, I didn't like you.

Connor: I'm aware of that.

Jared: But then you and I had some time together.

Connor: Uh-huh?

Jared: It did not get better.

-

Jared, having recently lost his glasses: KILL THE BUG!!!

Evan: ....That’s a gecko—

-

Jared: Well, if you're not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you?

-

Jared: Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism.

Alana: How so?

Jared: It keeps you from screwing up for 8 hours.

-

Connor: Guys, there’s a monster under my bed and it’s really ugly.

Zoe, on the bottom bunk: Honestly, fuck you.

-

Jared: Due to personal reasons, I will be fucking sinking to the bottom of the ocean in a metal box.

Zoe: Did Evan say "I love you", and you said "Thanks"?

Jared:

-

Jared: *sees someone doing something stupid*

Jared: What an idiot.

Jared: *realizes it's Evan*

Jared: Wait, that's MY idiot!-

-

Alana: I hope you have an explanation for this!

Evan: We have three, actually.

Jared: Pick your favourite.

-

Connor with a gun to Jared's head: What happens if I pull this trigger? Heaven?

Jared: Bold of you to assume I'll go to Heaven.

-

Connor: What’s up? I’m back.

Evan: I literally saw you die. You died. You were dead

Connor: Death is a social construct.

-

Evan: Just think about this! I’m your hottest friend.

Evan: No, that’s Zoe… I’m your nicest friend.

Evan: No, Alana... I’m your friend!

-

Alana: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment...at all?

Connor: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.

-

Jared: I have no respect for Santa. Don’t sneak in through the chimney and undermine my authority by bringing my family presents. Walk in through the front door and fight me like a man.

Evan:

Evan: Jared, your Jewish.

-

Alana, talking about Jared: Is this a friend of yours, Evan?

Evan: Kind of? Not really. He's in my life and there's nothing I can do about it.

-

Zoe: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems.

Alana: Weight loss? Drink water.

Evan: Clear skin? Drink water.

Jared: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.

-

Zoe: So, Evan, do you have a crush on anyone?

Evan: The only crush I have is this crushing anxiety.

-

---

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggghgggg

fine

casting a spell of finish your wip rb to pass it on

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oh god. who's saying this?? who even??? Andrew isn't a narcissist guys, he's allowed to leave musicals if they're not for him and he's allowed to talk about it.

would you rather he say nothing? a lot of people were/are going to see the Tammy Faye musical because of Andrew, right?

well, he's on social media. he probably saw people on excited to see him, and wanted to let them know on a widely broadcast piece of media? it's not self obsessed, it's actually pretty smart if you think about. kinda like a better way to not let misinformation spread.

it's another way to let people know he's not going to be doing it anymore. people need to take a breath, man, stop getting uselessly angry at someone because you're upset they aren't in something anymore, or because of the fact that they wanted to tell people they weren't. it's a decent fucking thing to do. seriously y'all. c'mon.

so fucking mad at people saying “andrew shouldnt have announced this at the tonys hes making it about himself / hes self obsessed” buddy he was clearly Asked a question about it and he answered?? wtf else was he supposed to do?? definitely not LIE about it thatd be even worse?? do yall agree??

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ily: i love you

ilysm: i love you so much

hsumpaoottwatlttutlcwlRH97swcdwww: hey so um my parents are out of town this weekend and the last time they used the liquor cabinet was like, Rosh Hashanah ‘97 so we can drink whatever we want

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Thank you, most people are slandering this movie and this was an actual genuine review. I’m seeing it tonight, so i’m really glad it’s at least, like, decent? We need more people like you, dude. :))

Dear Evan Hansen Movie Review:

More Alana? Yes. Good for You is gone now? No.

Canon gay Jared? Yes. Zoe and Evan, obviously very different in age? No.

Opening up with Waving Through the Window? Eh.

For every good thing the movie does, it does one bad thing so like, it could be worse. I still cried.

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TFB memes? HOLY FUCK I DIDN’T KNOW THOSE EXISTED HELL YEAH

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Will and Grace, my babygirls.

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