Vacant--body - ‎ ☾ ✩ ☽

Being Manic Like

“what did you eat yesterday?” “some croutons and vodka tonics”

4:30 a.m. already? i should paint

WAIT! NO! i should CLEAN my room and then cUT mYSELF

i swear to god if that shadow doesn’t stop ringing i’m going to flip a table

i am so angry wanna see me break this plate and then shave the side of my head without blinking or breathing 

aHHAHAHahhhh

“no, you see, i need this particular shirt. i have three others but they’re in different colors and don’t have the pocket…”

S E X

“i also need paint and a hat and the complete works of the brothers grimm”

i can’t eat out because people are trying to poison and kill me unless someone orders for me when i’m not there or i go through a drive through or the food was pre-made or i order like nine things or

i  a m  v i b r a t i n g .

staring into the distance completely still because otherwise the world moves too fast

aHHAHAHahhhhHAHAHHHAahahAHA

put out your cigarette on your arm

The Delusions

“did you say something?”

“what was i doing?”

“i forgot”

i haven’t slept in four days because if i go to sleep the government will take away my legs

aHHAHAHahhhhHAHAHHHAahahAHAHahahAHhahHH

Trauma literally changes how our brains function but people are really out here saying “let go of your past” lol

Somewhere, in someone’s experience, you are the bad guy

I think, I think one of the worst things about realizing you’ve been abused is the actual realization. Slowly learning what’s normal and what isn’t. Having it smack you in the face that “oh god that wasn’t normal that’s not normal all” and it’s just this horrifying realization

And it gets worse. You remember more trauma. You remember more of the hell they put you through. You wonder how they still think they did nothing wrong?

You doubt. You refuse to doubt. You panic. You become this mess of “is this real” and “I know this is real” and “I don’t want this to be real”

1. I am so sorry that you’re finding out this way. I wanted to tell all of this to you in person, but I was too scared. 2. When you’re done reading this, I want you to burn it—I don’t want any evidence that I ever wrote something like this. 3. Did you know that the moon is made of debris from a massive collision between two planetoids? Not only did something so beautiful come from a disaster, it was by pure chance. 4.5 billion years ago, two planetoids lost in the massive Solar System found each other, and then destroyed each other, only to create something beautiful. Ten years ago, I met you. 4. I have never known the feeling of being enough; I was always either too much, or not nearly enough. I hope when you think of me, it only brings a smile to your face. I hope I gave you enough of myself that you never regret meeting me. 5. When I was five, I almost drowned, and didn’t go swimming again for three years. When I swam for the first time again, I jumped into the deep end without hesitation. Despite my past, I was reckless with myself, and as my lungs filled with water, and my throat burned from the chlorine, I didn’t regret my actions. Sometimes, you have to jump, even if you run the risk of drowning. This is me jumping.

five lines from a suicide note or a love letter (16/30) by (ds)

Send help because the demons in my mind are taking over..

you can find reassurance within yourself.

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(C.B)(3.10.19)