She Placebo On My Effect Til I Feel Like Something Happened

You walked the dark halls.

You've walked them, many times before.

This time, like the others, never failed to dig a grave pit in your stomach. Something grim lie in these walls. Clawing at the drywall. The floorboards moaned and creeked under your feet, like they were calling out in pain every drag your foot took across them.

You stop at the end, it felt like an eternity to get here. At the large rusted and silver mirror. The one you knew well. The one that played tricks well. Gazing into it, you see yourself, but only for a bit. It doesn't take long for your face to droop, to warp. Your eyes becoming hollow shells of darkness, and your mouth low, too low. Your limbs have stretched and cracked. You feel them in you, ripping at the muscle, tearing at your nerves. And it should hurt but it doesn't. It doesn't hurt a bit. Because you know.

This was not you.

And I care so much when I write but suddenly i didn't care at the highschool when no one else would yell the cheers louder than me and I didn't care suddenly in the store joking loud with my sister and I didn't care when people thought i was weird because i hang out in the corner and wear dark clothes and makeup and like what I like and I don't care

I'm not made to sit at my desk and listen to someone else drawl on and on about something for 45 minutes

I'm not meant to sit in a room with 200 other kids and be forced to go back to our separate classrooms after 30 minutes of eating mystery food

I'm not meant to be forced to toss a football back and forth or run a track

I'm meant to read and write and sit in tree houses and wander in fields

I'm meant to wear flower crowns and eat berries and olives all day

I'm meant to befriend the trees and deers and paint with flowers

I'm not made to sit in school

In a place where my voice doesn't matter

And maybe soulmates weren't meant to fall in love but rather to have a connection a silent one an eyes glancing across the room a quiet but so so deadly spark that poured upon with a single word of gasoline could explode maybe we were meant to walk by eachother and say sorry when our shoulders bumped and take a little bit of each other's souls with us when we left and look for each other in the eyes of every stranger we meet and think about the girl we bumped into

"to smithereens" is one of the worst things to be blown to. right up there with weezer

I'll use the poems I wrote about you to fuel the bonfire I'm having with my friends and watch the ashes go up and fall back down on them like gray snow

The ashes of the words I wanted to say to you get caught in their hair and makes the smell linger even after the night has died down and the fire is out

I'll cut apart the braclets I made you and use them to make matching necklaces and earrings for my friends and get happy everytime they wear them

The beads I wanted to see on your wrists will shimmer on theirs like a little reminder

I'll play your favorite song for my friends the one you were always humming in class next to me and add it to our shared playlist

The song I'll now associate with my friends

And I'll cut out every part of you from my life and you'll never had existed

Everything that was yours is theirs because there is no more you

Constant comparing and contrasting it's like every stranger I meet I look for you maybe they have the same colored eyes or a similar sounding voice and suddenly I'm in love until I remeber it's not you and again I'm in the back of the classroom and I know I'm not crazy the way you laughed and told jokes in my ear and we never paid attention to the teachers and you borrowed my pen and wore my braclets and smelt of my perfume and suddenly I'm back in my room and I know I'm not crazy the way you'd tell me what you like and what you want to do and suddenly I am crazy and we don't talk and you are a stranger the one I'm looking for you in and I don't know you at all