All The Cool Tadpoles Hang Out In The Writhing Mass.

Twinberry leaves sparkle with new raindrops, Shoshone National Forest, Wyoming

© riverwindphotography, August 2022

Live coverage of the 14th of January 2024 is now closed.

Here is a recap of today's major events.

It is 12am in Ireland now so I have to go to bed.

I'll be back to resume live updates tomorrow evening.

100 days in, and 1 in every 100 people in Gaza have been murdered. I will not sleep well tonight, but I hope those who allowed this to happen sleep worse. May their dreams be forever painful.

For continuous updates while I'm gone, click the link below:

Al Jazeera

Hunger, cold threaten more lives in Gaza as Israel blocks aid, internet

After 100 days of war, Palestinians in Gaza struggle to survive under weight of thousands of tonnes of Israeli bombs.

More golden willow leaves etched in chilly frost: Sylvan Lake Series

(c) riverwindphotography, September 2023

kids remind me, often, of the things i've taught myself out of.

i have a big dog. he looks like a deer. he is taller than most young children. while we were on a trail the other day, a boy coming our direction saw us and froze. he took a step back and said: "i'm feeling nervous. your - your dog is kind of big."

goblin and i both stopped walking immediately. "he is kind of a big dog," i admitted. "he's called a greyhound. they are gentle but they are pretty tall, which is kind of scary, you're right. their legs are so long because they are made for running fast. i am sorry we scared you. would you like us to stand still while you move past us, or would you feel more safe in your body if we move and you stay still?'

"oh. i didn't know that about - greyhounds. i think i ... i want to stay still," he said. at this point, his adult had caught up to us. "i'm nervous about the dog," he told her, "so i'm - i'm gonna stay still." she didn't argue. she didn't make fun of him. she just smiled at him and at me and held his hand while goblin and i, with as wide of a berth as we could make, crept our way through.

behind us, i heard him exhale a deep breath and kind of laugh - "he was really big, huh? she said it's because greyhounds have to go fast."

"he was big," she said. "i understand why that could have made you a little scared."

"yeah. next time i - next time do you think i could maybe ask to touch him? when - i mean, next time, maybe, if i'm not nervous."

later, going to a work event, in the big city, i stood outside, trembling. my social anxiety as a caught bird in my chest. i took a deep breath and turned to my coworker. she's not even really my friend yet. i told her: "i feel nervous about this. i am not used to meeting new people, ever since covid."

she laughed, but not in a mean way. she said she was nervous too. she reached her hand out and held mine, and we both took another deep breath and walked in like that, interlinked. a few people asked us - together? - and i told the truth: i feel nervous, and she's helping. over and over i watched people relax too, admitting i feel really kind of shy lately actually, thank you for saying that.

the next time i go to an event, and i feel a little scared, i ask right away: wanna hold hands? this feels a little dangerous. i hesitate less. i don't hide it as much. i watch for other people who are also nervous and say - it's kinda hard, huh?

i know, logically, i'm not good at asking for help. but i am also not good at noticing when i need help. i've trained myself out of asking completely, but i've also trained myself to never accept my own fears or excuses. i have trained myself to tamp down every anxiety and just-push-through. i don't know what i'm protecting myself from - just that i never think to admit it to anyone.

but every person on earth occasionally needs comfort. every person on earth occasionally needs connection. many of us were taught independence is the same thing as never needing anything.

each of us should have had an adult who heard - i feel nervous and held our hand and asked us how we could be helped to feel safe. no judgement, and no chiding. many of us did not. many of us were punished for the ways that we seemed "weak".

but here is something: i am an adult now. and i get nervous a lot, actually. and if you are an adult and you are feeling a little nervous - come talk to me. we can hold hands and figure out what will help us feel safe in our bodies. and maybe, next time, if we're brave, we can pet the dog that's passing.

Fruska gora, Novi Sad, Serbia by Dejan Zakic

Damnit Damnit

I just got given probably some of the sweetest birthday presents I've ever got, but I can't love them. No one in my family knows I'm Non-binary, and it hurt.

It hurt so much, knowing they don't know. Knowing I might never work up the strength to tell them. Knowing the day I do tell them is the day I finally snap under the pressure of everything.

It took so much energy to even smile when I saw the gifts, they're beautiful and it would've cost so much... it makes me want to cry, how much it hurts.

Misty path (Mullerthal Trail) by Piotr Kaminski

Fireflies