Latest Posts by winstonhenderson - Page 3

𝟏𝟗𝟕𝟔.

𝓦𝓪𝓼𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓐𝔀𝓪𝔂 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓟𝓪𝓲𝓷

𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎

Paul’s Diary

I was in New York for a couple of reasons. First, I was going to the record agency to regulate some rights. Second, I was going to play some gigs. Same old, same old. But this time I wasn't on my turf, or I wasn’t even on some strangers turf, I was on John’s turf. I had to brace for anything to go wrong and remind me of the good times me and him had that I ruined, and I was frankly scared I might run into some John fanatic and be swarmed. Though I could’ve got into the same problems anywhere, it was a much bigger chance to get into those problems here because John is the favourite of New York musicians. John and I are officially still in a fight, so my fears were warranted. But even though I expected a hassle, I came for business. It is the biggest music industry currently, coming only a bit after London, and I can’t miss that kind of an opportunity. But also, I couldn’t miss an opportunity to see John, even though it seemed like a far off fantasy. At first I was just hoping to run into him by chance. Even though he was a stay at home dad, I thought he still went out. I could do my business without worry. But that worry grew as the days went by. When a third of my stay passed, I made a different strategy. I would check the places where people knew John was a regular. I somehow always missed him. When I went to the place and searched around, there was no trace of him. Sometimes I would run into my friends and they would tell me either he left sometime ago and they didn’t know I was so keen on meeting him or that they would tell me when they see him next time because he hadn’t been there in a long time. And another third passed in mindless searching. I gave up and finished the rest of my business, in the end agreeing to go to a gig of an up and coming band in some small and homey cafe. By then, I had lost hope, even though I should’ve known that I would’ve run into him in a place like that.

I walked into the cafe and the musicians were setting up. I forgot a bunch of their names, but I knew I’d get along with them swimmingly. I heard a scream.

“Oh, fuck, the day Paul McCartney wants to play with us, something goes wrong!”, the guitarist said.

“No worries, if it’s not something big, I could fix it.”, I went to them.

I look at the speakers and try to figure out what is wrong. I sat there for five minutes, but I can’t get heads and tails on this technology. I give up on looking at the shell of the machine and open it, finding a bunch of short circuits.

“That is very broken.”, I said, “Find a mechanic.”

“Oh, oh, shit! I am so sorry, Paul, but we’ll have to play later.”, the guitarist apologized.

The rest of the band looked demoralized.

“Don’t worry, I have the rest of the day free.”, I felt bad for the bunch. They were as us four were when we had an important gig as a small band. I chuckled.

“I am so glad to have such an understanding colleague.”, the guitarist sighed, “Thank you so so much!”

“It’s alright.”, I smiled.

I scanned the cafe and even though it was small, it was almost full and the atmosphere was lively. I was looking for a drink when I heard some snogging in the back. 

“God, fuck, stooop!”, I heard some small moans, “Stop, I don’t fucking know you!”

I ran to the back and wanted to save the bird, but I found John struggling to get out of an embrace of a woman. There were a bunch of drinks that looked weird on the table.

“Just play along Johnny, it’s just for a little bit, then you can have your Yoko back.”

“Do I have to… You look like a caramel apple with chocolate drizzle. I wonder if they even sell that.”, John chuckled, playing with her hair.

Well, John is high. And the bitch spotted me.

“Oh shit!”, she yelled, “Oh, John was-” 

Her acting was unconvincing.

“Get away from him!”, I came in and wrestled him out of her paws, “Why did you spike him! He can’t be spiked!”

“He is just like any other man, just talented, smart and rich. I want a piece of that.”, she smiled.

“Get away, you disgust me.”, I said.

“A man? That’s funny.”, John chuckled, “Why if it isn’t my darling Paul McCartney?”

He was high and ready to bite. But, I had to figure out which high John I had business with. Is it “could be left alone for a minute” or “I’m scared he’ll fuck something up” high John?

The girl in the meantime got lost. That bitch. I dragged him to the nicer seats.

“Change of scenery? Much better here, Macca.”, John sighed, “What the hell was she on to makeout with me?”

“John, even though you have a wife, I think a lot of our fans still want to makeout with you. And you obliged that many times yourself.”, I sighed.

He could be so in his head.

“What are you talking about? Are you purposely trying to reveal me… Oh, your head is so big. Yeah, it shows how smart you are. My smart partner.”, he chuckled.

“Every single person knows about your shenanigans with women.”, I said flatly.

“Paul, not everyone knows I am…”, he came close to my ear, “queer. It doesn’t really need to be made clear. I already have a lot of problems.”

Oh.

Oh, no.

“Problems?”

“Of course. I haven't told anyone yet so I’ll tell you first. I am writing something new. Oh, I mean. John is writing something new. I don’t want anyone overhearing. Though if they do, it would mean nothing. I’m just a nobody.”, as I concluded.

It’s the “I’m scared he’ll fuck something up” high John, or 

“Julia?”

“Yes, Paul? Ask away. Finally someone calls me right.”, well Julia is tripping hard if she can’t figure out she is in costume. What did that bitch put in her drink?

“Jules, you are in costume.”, I told her.

“Oh. Wait, what did you say?”, she was distracted then of all times, “Your head looks like it’s going to explode. Is there something to fix that?”

“Ignore that, you are tripping and are still in costume! You drank a spiked drink.”, I sighed.

“Spiked? I would never do that.”, she pouted.

“What is important is for us to get out of here as quickly and silently-”, I started but the waiter interrupted me.

“What would you like to order? Oh, it’s, wow…”, of course, the waiter knows us both.

Before I even got a word in, Julia began.

“Paul, don’t get ahead of yourself. I would like two vermouths, he would like… Oh, kind of forgot to ask what would you like, Macca? Though I already have a guess.”

I had to go along with her order. But I could pay in advance and that could give us the time to go somewhere else.

“Hm, a margarita would be fine.”, I sighed.

“Um, I’ll get you that. It’s interesting though. Aren’t you famous for ordering Brandy Alexander?”, the waiter asked.

“Where did you get that idea from?”, she was panicking already.

I looked at the waiter crossly.

“Could we pay in advance?”, I asked.

He prepared the bill, the disappointment visible on his face.

“You can.”

“I will pay, I haven’t seen him in a god awful while.”, Julia once again slapped my hand away from paying, “I missed ya sugar.”

She fumbled with the money for a bit, and somehow managed to find the exact amount.

“Sugar?”, the waiter noticed the small mannerisms Julia had.

“Yeah, the reason I don’t need any with my vermouth.”, that was smooth Jules, but quite unnecessary in front of a person.

The waiter acted like he didn’t hear anything and went on his merry way. I was fuming.

“Julia, we are going right this second.”, I ordered.

She looked at me with the saddest eyes.

“Paul, don’t go outside and leave me. I promise I won’t flirt anymore with you if it bothers you that much…”, she stretched the vowels unbearingly long and I was heartstricken again. Julia knows how to pull my heart strings the best.

“I’m not leaving you. I just want to get you somewhere safe. We could go to your flat-”

“Yoko will kill me- I mean John. She would kill him because of him arriving there uninvited and such.”, she was still not going to acknowledge that was in costume, huh.

“We could go to my flat here.”

“You live here?”

“No, you git, I am just renting.”, I chuckled though I remembered she was high out of her mind and it wasn’t that funny anymore.

“Is this a ploy, McCartney, for me to get into your bed?”, she offhandedly bantered.

“No? I mean I love you, but I have Linda.”, at this time I thought “Please don’t get clingy or whiny. God save our reputation and friendship.”

“You don’t love me anymore!”, and she got CLINGY and WHINY. She took my hand and held it to her heart, “Aw, Paul, you changed. Well, my poor heart still beats for ya.”

People were staring. She let my hand go.

“Oh, must you always be so difficult, Lennon.”, I smiled and acted like it was a joke, “Didn’t know you wanted to write again that much.”

Some turned away. Julia’s torn mind cooperated.

“You’re the difficult one. Always prim and proper. Maybe we are the same, though I am usually committing a crime.”, Julia joked, “We could write, I thought your blue hairedness wanted a date.”

“Blue hair?”

“Yeah, like the sky. Why’d ya dye it?”, I felt sorry for her.

“Um, we’ll talk about that later, here’s our drinks.”, I said, “And please fetch us a couple of bottles of water.”

The waiter wasn’t weirded out anymore and fully understood what happened. He hurried off.

“That’s quite a fast waiter.”, Jules noticed, “Oh, well, guess I’ll drink a couple of vermouths.”

“Hold your horses. How is Yoko?”, I asked to stop her from drinking, “And Sean?”

She scoffed.

“Sean is alright. I like taking care of him. He is smart and curious, though the bugger could be rude.”, she chuckled.

“For Yoko, she still can’t get over you and me. She is mad when she sees me being you know… Fragile.”, she hugged herself.

“I know. I’m here now, Jules.”, I held her hand. I forgot the feeling. The mask she likes to wear always had a tight grip on anything, he was ready to tear into anything. While her grip was always soft and melancholic. It was the same hand but a totally different atmosphere.

“Cheers to that Paul.”, she grabbed her vermouth.

“Julia.”, I grabbed her vermouth.

The waiter arrived with the water.

“Take this. Please. We’ll take this with us.”, I sighed.

The waiter grabbed our drinks and went off to the bar to try to pack it.

“No. It’s just water. Alcohol could hydrate me as well.”, Julia declined.

“That’s bull and you know it yourself.”, I scoffed.

“You have a point, love.”, I softened at the love part.

She drank the water.

“Ugh, give me more, my head is on fire.”, she was recovering.

I gave her the second glass of water, she drank it even faster than the first one.

“Oh, oh, fuck. That was too spiked. I’m still swirling.”, she said, “More.”

I gave her the third and fourth bottle.

“Enough Paul, I didn’t ask you for the river Nile, I asked you for another glass.”, she drank the third bottle and recovered a bit. Then I thought about what she said.

“You purposely drank a spiked drink!”, I was mad!

“Who expected it was going to be that effective?”, she was joking! At that time, when she felt like trash and needed help, she thought it was the smartest thing to joke. But Julia is like that.

“Julia, this isn’t funny. I was being serious!”

“Paul, it’s hard, it’s hard living every single day in a prison.”, Julia was poetic again.

“Jules, you made that prison yourself. Let’s go somewhere else.”, I sighed.

“Wait, wait! Macca, aren’t I still in…”, she looked around and at herself.

“Fuck, fuck, what have I done!”, she was panicking, “I made a couple of incidents for sure! Everyone knows, everyone knows!”

“Calm down.”, I was cackling.

“Paul, PAUL! This is serious.”

“Now it’s serious! And you spiking yourself isn’t.”, that was quite smooth of me.

“I’ll tell you some other day, McCartney.”, she was offended.

I guessed she would go back to John again. She gathered her thoughts.

“Well, let’s start over. Hullo, Paul, what does his highness want in New York City this time?”, that was John’s way of saying things. I was right.

“I’m here for business mostly.”, I lied.

“People told me that you were here for a whole month! Wouldn’t you have finished the work by now? Or just how big is it?”, he asked.

“John, you asked around for me? Why didn’t you reach out first?”, I was shocked. I knew Julia would be out and about asking for me, but for John, I thought it was “below” him to admit to doing that.

“I missed you too, Paul. I went to the place where you worked but I didn’t go in because I was a bit- too occupied with taking care of Sean and such, you know?”, he nervously laughed.

I chuckled.

“You should’ve just gone in. I didn’t know you were embarrassed.” “I was not embarrassed!”, he was red, “I was just a bit scared of doing that as, you know, me. I didn’t want to make you feel bad.”

John cared more about me than I thought.

“No. No, you would’ve made things so much easier!”, I was relieved, “Lenny, you know much more than those buggers! The cunts made it so hard to work normally.”

“Oh, McCartney being rude. I didn’t see that in a while. I thought you were a brand-friendly sellout.”, he joked letting out his frustrations to me.

“I can be frustrated too, y’know!”, I was angry.

He smiled wide.

“I missed you so much.”, he declared, “Let’s jam at yours when my head stops ringing.”

“Oh, we have a chance to do that here. Some kids invited me to jam with them.”

“Kids? Paulie, you are 34 years old.”, Lenny began laughing uncontrollably, “They look about twenty five-ish. Have you become a grandpa or something in my absence? Should I call you Queen Paulie? But that isn’t as good as Princess Paulie.”

I sighed and blushed.

“You know exactly what I mean Johnny!”

“Alright, alright, I’ll be the rhythm guitar then. Or piano. Or mouth harmonica.”, he began listing off.

“Stop. They’ll make place for you, Lennon.”

“Of course they will, Paul and John together! Who would want to miss that.”, he sarcastically said that and took me by the hand.

The waiter came back with bottles of our drinks and the ingredients. 

“I apologize for making a mess. I’ll pay for this too? Right, I paid the first time.”, John’s mind was still a bit sloshed.

The waiter was on the brink of crying.

“Mister, no need to cry, I am doing the bare minimum. Set your expectations higher!”, he told him straight.

The guitarist, frontman came back with the fixed speakers. He was huffing and sweaty from running. The rest of the band gathered round him and helped him with setup.

“I’m going to fetch Paul after we finish this.”, he was unfocused, “I already made a delay, now to force him to setup would be just-”

He paused for a solid minute.

“What would it be, lad?”, John asked.

I went to help the band.

“Too much.”

“Oh, but for the Paul I know, it would be too little. He would overdo it.”, John chuckled.

The frontman lifted his head after setting up the speakers and was in pure shock.

“Paul, no, the terms we agreed upon!”, the frontman tried to stop me.

“He is stubborn.”, John was getting on everyone's nerves.

“And just who are you to tell me that?”, he turned around and saw John.

“Oh, I had a hunch but I couldn’t believe it!”, he got excited.

The rest of the band got excited.

“Please play with us!”, they pleaded, “Lennon and McCartney playing together would be such a honor!”

I threw him a “see, I was right” look.

He sighed.

“People, you are swarming him.”, the frontman said, “You can decline.”

“No, I won’t. Paul finds ya gear, I find ya gear too.”, he smiled with his teeth.

The whole band became even more excited. They let us help them, and we ended up doing most of the physical work because they were busy trying to impress us. I am right in calling them kids.

John wistfully sighed.

“Remember when we were like that around Elvis and he ignored us? We can’t ignore these kids like that.”, he said.

“You indulge others too easily, Lennon.”, I began but softened, “But I know what you mean.”

“Oh, but I am still critiquing them. I’m not indulging them, love.”, he was being very sweet.

We were quiet for a minute. We heard a riff they wanted to throw in at the last minute.

“That’s gear, but still needs some work, lemme and Paul at it.”, he was truthful.

We got to work and they watched us with big eyes.

“Shift this chord here. Then, we should make it unfinished… Put this here.”, he mumbled in our writing language.

“Move it up to A. That sounds alright.”, I mumbled back, “Maybe add some thrills.”

I played it back to the band and they were amazed.

“That’s a bloody great riff Paulie.”, he was satisfied.

I reddened, like I do at John’s compliments to my music. They were so rare.

“We are using that! Thank you so much!”, they were so happy.

“Alright, what is the program for tonight?”, I asked.

They gave us the program. It was mostly covers with a couple of their songs which were easy to learn, but had some nice progressions and riffs that needed a bit more work.

“You even put “One After 909”. Aren’t you glad I’m here to sing that?”, John joked.

The frontman got so excited!

“We’ll put on more Beatles songs, we want to play them with you!”

“No need, we like these songs you picked.”, John chuckled. Looks like the cockiness came back.

“He didn’t even ask me. Classic Lennon.”, I scoffed, “But I agree.”

“Why scoff then?”, all of them laughed.

“I had to.”

“You never get old, Macca.”, I smiled on his remark.

We rehearsed for a bit, and went on the stage at 9 even though we were supposed to play from 4 p.m.

The cafe was full of people, which I’m sure made John nervous because he hadn't played in front of a big public in two years.

“What is this? The Cavern Club after 1963?”, he quipped, making the whole cafe laugh.

The frontman introduced the band, but I ignored him because I was focused on John.

“And as guests, I can’t believe they are here to play with us, John Lennon and Paul McCartney.”

The people clapped.

“Paul, let’s bow! Let’s bow!”, he excitedly whispered.

We did the classic Beatle bow. The audience went crazy.

The frontman began, but whispered something into John’s ear.

John looked at him crossly but chortled.

“I’ll be counting down today then, hope you understand little old me.”, the public was enjoying every second.

“Oh, you’re understandable Lennon, believe me.”, I quipped.

“And one, two, three, four.”, we played.

He stared at me mostly while playing, smiling like a fool. I guess he was nervous. The band was amazing! They were a solid backing track, and when their songs took over, they were very competent. John and I didn’t sing their songs, we just played. I was proud of John. Even though he was out of practice, he played wonderfully. The audience was delighted and that was the most important thing for this band and John. He wouldn’t exist if it weren’t from them. 

“Thank you, thank you, that’s all for tonight.”, he smoothly talked to them.

They riled up.

“More, more, more!”

“Oliver Twist asked for more.”, he spoke in his falsetto voice.

The audience laughed.

I send him a knowing look. The band was tired by now.

“We’ll play some classics then.”, John entertained the people while I went to the frontman and told him:

“Begin packing up, we’ll hold ‘em if you’re tired. If not, play something yours.”

They were out of breath.

“Okay, you can end it then. Thank you! This means the world to us!”, the frontman hugged me.

I hugged back.

“Alright, Johnny, hit it. And one, two, three, four!”, I started.

Our guitar heavy songs were present (like “Twist And Shout”). We played and played to our heart’s content.

We were tired by 2 a.m. 

“That’s it folks!”, he winked.

The audience groaned but they were tired too and went off. Us two packed the instruments. The kids left the pay in the case for the instruments. On the envelope in little letters was written “Thank you for your kindness and publicity! We can’t let you go unpaid for this kind of dedication.”

“I’m not taking that.”, I said.

“Interesting. Still I think you should respect the band, and take some of it.”, he assumed.

“Alright.”, I chuckled, taking half of my pay and giving him half of that.

“As I deserve.”, he chuckled, “No, I’ll take it from my pay. I don’t want yours, Paulie. Now, where should we go off to?”. He took the same amount from the other envelope which had the same writing.

“Let’s go to my flat, John.”, I offered.

“I’m fine with that.”, he agreed.

I got excited!

“Paulie is amused. That’s what I like to see.”

“See, Johnny, is it that hard to be balanced?”, I asked.

“What?”, he was confused.

“Is it that hard to be polite and reasonable when you’re John?”, I asked him again.

“I wasn’t polite! Nor that reasonable. Oh, oh, you mean now with the money!”, he got mad.

“I mean you were not extreme. You weren’t hateful, you weren’t overly cocky, you kept yourself in check. I forgot the last time you were like this.”

“Well, I remember it clear as day. It’s August 27th 1968.”, he saddened.

We somehow always end up mentioning it. I exhaled...

“Paul, I’m sorry. I promise I’ll call you more. I have to stop distancing myself from me…”, John sighed.

We arrived at the complex and went upstairs to my flat.

“You are one of the best ideas thought up. You really are. As much as you treasure yourself, I treasure you. I’m sorry because I always wanted you gone.”, I unlocked the door.

He stared at me, his eyes full of tears. I couldn’t withstand him crying, because I would tear up too. He threw himself onto my bed.

“Paul, you loved me even though I behaved like a jerk!”, he shouted.

“John, I made several songs about that! And you still hate me!”, I snuggled with him.

“I don’t hate you Paul! I told you that multiple times!”, he sighed.

“You TOLD me. But your ACTIONS say otherwise.”, I explained.

“Oh, it’s all coming together.”, he began, “I know why I am so extremely angry!”

“Why?”, I wondered.

“It’s because I’m bloody sick of everyone! I was sick of your commanding attitude, I am sick of Yoko’s constant nagging about you and Julia and I’m sick of everyone expecting something from me! First it was Mimi, then it was Brian, then you, then Yoko, and now the whole motherfucking world expects something from me!”, he screamed into the pillow. The pillow was wet. He made it this hard on himself.

“You don’t have to prove anything to me. You don’t have to prove anything to the world. You are not the main character y’know? No one is.”, I chuckled. He calmed down.

“I purpousely drank the spiked drink from that lady. The day was overly long and overly boring. No one was in town. Sean and Yoko went somewhere without me. I don’t know if I want to visit Julian anymore, because he hates me so much, and for a good fucking reason. I ruined his and Cynthia’s life.”, he sighed, “I ruined every single relationship I came across. Every normal person would want me gone for good! I wanted to wash away the pain! Wash away the feeling that I am John. I wanted to be sloshed for one single day and you come in. I didn’t realise I would fuck myself in the process by being that kind of high.”

“John Winston Ono Lennon, you are a coward.”, I said, “You wanted a name for yourself? You wanted to change the world? Deal with it. You can give up! We can live together like we imagined all those years ago. I barely remember when Julia wanted something more than a fling.”

“I always thought we were serious.”, she surprised me.

“ACTIONS, John, ACTIONS, not WORDS.”, I repeated, “I love you! And now I will show that I love you. Where are we?”

“We are at your place.”, he said unenthusiastically.

“Yes! Because otherwise Yoko would kill you for gallavanting!”

He hugged me.

“Thank you, Paul. For everything. That drink could’ve made more damage if I revealed everything or worse if I took more and collapsed on the spot.”

“YES! Thank you for acknowledging you need me sometimes!”, I hugged back tighter.

“Paul, Paul… Paaaull. That’s a bit tight. I’m suffocating-”

“Sorry!”, I let go.

“I’m already wrapped tight.”, he took off his shirt. Oh, the famous bandages that few people knew about. Aunt Mimi’s trusty tool, that Julia misused so long ago. I unwrapped them from John’s body as I used to when we were touring and were finally alone. He put on his shirt covering himself.

“Bathroom?”

“Down the hall on the left.”, I explained.

“Okay.”, he went.

Nervousness and curiosity flooded my state of being. I felt as if it was 1961. and I was a flustered teenager who found out his best friend was all along a bird he liked.

After a couple of minutes, he came out of the bathroom in his clothes that were dirty even though he washed himself. And when I mean washed himself I meant completely, his hair was wet and his teeth were clean.

“You used my toothbrush?”, I pouted.

“Did you ever have a problem with that?”, he chuckled.

I blushed.

“Well, this washed my worries away better than that spiked drink, don’t you think, Macca?”, he asked.

“Naturally.”, I sighed, rolling my eyes.

“May I sleep here, your majesty?”, he proposed.

“I dunno, may you?”, I played with him.

“I can’t refuse cliche banter, Paulie, you know me too well.”, he smiled, though I’d rather say she smiled.

“Jules, John’s confidence always suited you.”, I kissed her on that smart head of hers.

She snuggled beside me.

“Shut up and sleep, I need some peace and quiet now.”

“Oh, are we cranky?”, I patted her on the shoulder, “Good night, Jules.”

“Good night, Pretty Princess Paulie.”, she patted me on the head, “Your quiff is fluffy.”

“Not like your hair though.”, I played with it.

“Paul, promise you’ll have patience with me tomorrow and we can play again?”, her eyes grew big.

“I promise we can play again!”, I kissed her on the cheek, “We will, I already told you I missed you.”

“You mean so much to me, Macca.”, she kissed me on the lips, “Now, please sleep, I have to finish tons of work and find someone to take care of Sean while we’re out and about.”

“I will.”, that was a lie.

“No, you won’t sleep. You want revenge for me keeping you up during touring days.”

I laughed.

“Then, Johnny, what do you want me to do?”

“Sing then.”, she dug her head in my shoulder.

I smiled and sung.

Who knows how long I've loved you?

You know I love you still

Will I wait a lonely lifetime?

If you want me to, I will

She sung along.

For if I ever saw you

I didn't catch your name

But it never really mattered

I will always feel the same

She kissed the place where my heart was positioned.

Love you forever and forever

Love you with all my heart

Love you whenever we're together

Love you when we're apart

She laid back and got comfortable drifting away. I looked at her face. She had an honest smile. One of her true smiles. One of the rare treasures.

And when at last, I find you

Your song will fill the air

Sing it loud so I can hear you

Make it easy to be near you

For the things you do endear you to me

Oh, you know, I will

I will…

I drifted away, nuzzling into her hair. 

Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

Da da da da da da da

My eyes closed on her carefree laugh I used to hear during the fifties and sixties. When it was just us two against the world.

Rest of Sacrifame

𝟏𝟗𝟕𝟓.

𝓖𝓸 𝓦𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓕𝓵𝓸𝔀

𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎

David Bowie’s Notebook

“Fame” was released. It was a busy day. We had to do some check ups for the records and sort out management. Yes, we. John decided to jump in and help me. How does he make decisions? He was waiting for me in the studio.

“Hullo.”, he plainly stated, “Want to listen to the freshest record?”

He smiled and I chuckled.

“Yeah. That would be great!”, I sat down in thought.

The song played and we carefully listened. Even though John usually looked very stoic, then he was cringing everytime he heard himself.

“I told them to iron out my voice…”, he huffed.

“I like it.”, I shrugged, “Why change something that works?”

He laughed.

“You are right.” “Let’s move onto the paperwork.”, I sighed, “This is going to suck.”

“Now, now, David. Everything is going to be fine, I’m here to keep ya company remember?”, he took one pile of papers and began sorting, “Maybe it would’ve been easier to sort this if I brought May along, though… I don’t really want to misuse her services anymore.”

I took a pile of papers and began sorting it. We sorted in silence, until I heard John.

“David, I admire your bravery.”

I was shocked.

“I could never make so many different creative personalities and then perform as them on stage.”

I stopped sorting.

“John, you are the brave one here! Your every other song is problematic and makes people rethink their actions.”

He continued sorting, stopping after a few moments.

“How do you do it?”, he looked at me.

“Hm?”

“How do you face public performances?”, he shyly brushes his hands, but quickly corrects himself and stands confidently. I was shocked.

“Why would you of all people ask me that? You are great at that! People loved your jokes in the Beatles.”

“Right, in the Beatles. And when I’m with Yoko. Can you see where the problem is? I meant alone. You do it completely alone.”, he casually explained.

“John…”, why was he so afraid and vulnerable?

 “Okay, if you want a taste of my way of performing, I can guide you through the process.”, I offered. He lit up.

“Lead the way, Mr. Stardust.”, I could hear how excited he was.

“The personas I create are to ease my fear of public performances. Nobody knows me that way. They are usually tied to my emotional wellbeing and my hobby of the day.”, I explained.

“Oh, so they are you but exaggerated.”, John smiled.

“That sounds about right.”, I chuckled, “Well, what do you feel the most, John?”

John flinched, he doesn’t share his problems that much, and when he shares them it’s usually in the form of jokes.

“I’m usually trying to be happy.”, John obviously lied.

To compensate for that I said: “Go with the opposite.”

He lifted an eyebrow and wrote down “depression”.

“Hobby of the day?”, I asked.

“Hm… What would I like to do?”, he spun around in the office chair, “I would love to write something. Maybe… Poetry, did that. Story, did that. Hm, maybe a play!”

“That’s interesting.”, my eyes widened.

“No, no, why would I write a play when I could direct one. Put on a show! That’s a great idea, a director. A play or film director.”, he got engaged. 

I got us some pens, and we laid down on the cold floor. We exchanged some ideas, he was building a narrative, while I guided him and gave him some heads up. Just like when I was learning to manage myself. He was always on hand to explain and give tips which I wholeheartedly stick to.

“So, depressed director… The budget is never enough, nor the time. A perfectionist to the core. Does everything to keep the project going.”, he frantically wrote down.

“Why would they want to keep it going?”, I asked.

“Because they, hm, value themselves through their work. Their private life is not fun. It’s a routine of daily chores and the same people that repeat over and over.”, he added.

“Same people?”, I continued.

“Low expectations for people, low standards, they can see right through their facade. Each person has their own story? Maybe they can say that.”, he became playful.

“Are you staying with they?”, I asked him.

“Huh, I didn’t even notice we were calling the character they. Let me think about it…”, he stared into a point in the studio. He abruptly stopped and looked at me.

“What do ya say, pal? Should I stick with it? Or should I go with high heels or disgusting sandals?”

Now I’ve joined the staring squad, staring deep into his eyes trying to read his sorrows. His eyes were smiling on the outside, but under the surface they looked like they were tired of everyone and everything. Tired of looking after people. Yet, something in him put up with all the problems he had to face. Something that wanted him to persevere and wanted him to be the perfect ideal all of us made him out to be. Something that controlled him like a puppet and to which he has no control over. I was reminded of Yoko, because of the controlling part, but she was never that authoritative. Maybe I should give him a chance to be authoritative in a more professional setting. He was always up to challenges and it would be a good way for him to let out his frustrations. It’s an exercise after all.

“You should go with…”

“High heels.”, both of us said at the same time.

“Glad to know you agree.”, he joked. What?

“David, you were staring for so long I didn’t know if you’d say anything so I thought “fuck it, let’s play dressup”.”, he patted me on the shoulder.

I chuckled.

“Alright, John. Now, use all of this information and take one of your songs that would suit her and sing it to me.”, I explained.

“That would suit her…”, he thought out loud.

He wrote down a list of his songs, then played around with his pencil, scribbling around.

“I don’t think my solo career suits her.”, he erased all of the songs, “But I have an idea. I’ll do something I was afraid of singing for a while, and that was never done live in the first place. Though here is no audience but alright, you’ll do.”

He became nervous.

“Are you okay?”, I asked him.

“I am fine. I’m not really looking the part so I don’t think I can sing yet.”, he chuckled.

I decided to let him go all in then.

“We should get you an interesting costume. You already dress strikingly, so we’ll go with the opposite.”

“You are correct. She just wants to work on her project- and I made up my mind- she should be a play director. The world's a stage.”

John was really getting into the process and I was so happy he felt that way, even though we weren’t serious. I looked up to him for so long, so for him to look up to me for something was so exciting!

“Style me. You are the master after all.”, he said.

“Alright.”, I joked, “We’ll not do much.”

I untied his hair, it fell too flat. I roughed it up, and it became a bit more curly and it fell naturally.

“I think I won’t use my glasses. It’s a John thing.”, he put away his glasses.

“I forgot to mention you should alienate yourself. But I think you’ve figured that one out yourself.”, I was impressed.

He turned and looked at me, swooshing his hair. It was weird looking at him without his recognizable glasses. His eyes seemed bigger and his nose smaller. That was a good decision on his part.

“I haven’t seen you with long hair and no glasses. You look so much softer.”, I admitted.

“I had long hair in the Beatles during the early years.”, he argued.

“It was tied back.”, I was doing his eyebrows and noticed I was scraping some gunk away. Was it some kind of makeup or something… No, no, I’m overthinking things. He became quiet. He had a small stubble that could easily be covered. I thought it would poke out a bit, but no, it blended in perfectly. It was quite soft… I thought he could just take off some stuff and he would have a character.

“What makeup do you want?”

“Oooh, I know. I want to be like Twiggy herself. I like that bird a lot. I remember, when we were still teds, the band used to wank off to her. It was like a competition-”

I was laughing out loud.

“I don’t want to listen to your wet dreams, Lennon.”, I was on the brink of choking.

“If you say so, though, it is quite spicy. Maybe even inspiring.”, he winked. “Take off everything that is too extravagant off yourself. So as to not ruin your precious makeup.”, I joked.

“Fine, David.”, he took off his scarf, his jacket, his belt, his pins and his watch. Leaving him in his shirt, jeans and worn out trainers. He rolled up the sleeves of his shirt and left one pin on. “I love Paul”. I always wondered why he liked that pin so much.

I added blue eyeshadow and did the eyeliner like Twiggy did. I put some blush on his cheeks. I gave him lipstick.

“It’s the last step.”, I chuckled.

He smiled and put on lipstick.

“Are you now comfortable?”, I asked.

He was quite nervous. Maybe he was nervous as himself, but now his nervousness was more evident with those accented doll-like eyes. 

“He, he, of course.”, he said.

“Then it’s time for the last step in my process. Just sing.”

He went to the table and took his guitar. He tuned it meticulously, he never tuned it that much trying to get the right note. He stood up, and began playing. It was “Happiness Is A Warm Gun”. But he changed the lyrics…

I’m not a girl who misses much

Do do do do do do, oh yeah

His voice was the same though it began to gain a much more sad and slow tone.

I’m well-acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand

Like a lizard on a window pane

My man in the band with the multicolored mirrors

On his hobnail boots

Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy

Working overtime

A soap impression of his wife which he ate

And donated to the National Trust

His voice didn’t go deep on this next part. It remained as high as when he sang the first.

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down

Down to the pits that I left uptown

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down

He got more theatrical. It’s like he felt the lyrics hit him for the first time.

Mother Superior jumped the gun

The unexpected falsetto here scared me. He felt like doing everything different. He continued repeating it that way, each time feeling more and more like a call for help.

He put on a smile. His voice gained a more elegant and cute tone. It was like when I embraced my character. Singing even the smallest parts. Though I helped him with that.

Happiness is a warm gun (bang, bang, shoot, shoot)

Happiness is a warm gun, momma (bang, bang, shoot, shoot)

He took his glasses and didn’t play this part.

When I hold you in my arms (ooh, oh, yeah)

He caressed the glasses.

And I feel my finger on your trigger (ooh, oh, yeah)

He began to put them on, but decided to put them in his pocket.

I know nobody can do me no harm (ooh, oh, yeah)

Because

He went back on the guitar.

Happiness is a warm gun, yes it is (bang, bang, shoot, shoot)

Happiness is a warm, yes it is, gun (happiness, bang, bang, shoot, shoot)

Well, don't you know that happiness is a warm gun momma?

He didn’t wait for me to clap, dropping the guitar. I was astonished. It was so different from how he used to do it that if anyone said it was a different person I’d believe them. I don’t know if John would be comfortable for me in costume to call him she. 

“Bowie.”, he continued in his higher pitched voice, “Was I any good?”

“You were great and different.”, I said, “Different in a good way. You played your, or um, John’s song in a completely new way…”

“Hahaha, David, tis fine. I know I did, plus it’s in character for me.”, he chuckled wistfully and caringly. Yet that wistful smile got lost as fast as it came on.

“You know, David… I wonder how it would’ve played out…”, he spread himself out on the floor. He patted the floor to say I can sit beside him, so I did. The doll-like eyes gazed into the abyss that was the ceiling.

“If I played in front of many people. Me. A small unimportant artist, a small unimportant woman against a whole bunch of gits. They would’ve torn through me…”, I concluded he was comfortable.

She rustled her sleeves…

“Exactly why John can do it. He has… The energy needed to survive the crowd. I don’t.”, she sighed.

“But then why would he ask me for advice?”, I asked. Why would John say this? Or John’s counterpart? Or this role he is playing?

She ignored the question.

“He won’t be playing for a while.”, she shrugged.

“He won’t be, what!”, I was saddened.

“He won’t. It’s because of Sean and a bunch of disappointing turnouts. He is burnt out.”, she explained.

There was something she wanted to tell me, but couldn’t. She graciously stood up.

“You know, I like this role.”, she twirled around, “I…”

“I really hate I’m going to tell you this.”, she exhaled.

“What?”

“John’s songs are very touchy and private. Every song. Him saying they’re not us upright lying!”, she jumbled her words.

John lost himself.

“Really?”

“Yes.”

She played with her hair.

“Do you… Feel any better?”

“Feel, hum, I feel fine.”, she giggled, “She’s in love with me and I feel fine.”

“Why “Happiness Is A Warm Gun”?”, I was quite interested in the choice.

“It’s my everyday.”, she said looking at me, “I feel like I’m overworked, yet I do nothing. I grab my guitar and sing and write nothing. Of course, compositions for the plays. Everything is meaningless without an audience. One person is enough for an audience. Though it doesn’t have to mean that if they don’t give you any useful feedback.”

Her smile differed from John’s usual one. This one was full of hope and amazement.

“My meticulous planning and execution make the difference. My “gun” are the tools and ideas I incorporate in my life that make my art great and me satisfied. Yet there are always ideas that have to be benched for some time.” 

I was confused. She noticed and booped my nose. This character by her composed stature, melancholic stare and patient smile didn’t remind me of Lennon in the slightest, except her ideal chasing nature. John was direct in his songs, but when I talk to him I see a lot of excuses and sugary sentences to make me accept something. Though when something was bad, he would tell me. This woman was straight to the point.

“David.”, she became serious, “Don’t hesitate, any question is fine, really. Just keep me occupied, John needs a break.”

“John needs a break?”, I listened to her order.

“An actor needs a break to collect himself. A role can tire a person out.”, she described it, “They should try something new and see if they like it. Maybe a different role.”

“You existed even before today?”

She smiled and chuckled.

“Cheeky bugger. Depends on how you look at it. With these characteristics him and you gave me, no. But, at the core, for as long as John knows himself.”, she took a piece of paper.

“John fantasized about you? Or being you?”, I concluded.

Her face was ridden with uncertainty.

“Don’t know about that from his point of view, but I wanted to be like him.”, she grabbed my shoulder, “You said earlier today his songs are brave, yes?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“I could never do that. Go out there with my stuff and be seen with it. Be a target. Exactly why you need actors, because the director is a figure in the darkness. Maybe John’s question about your process could be better worded as this: how do you manage to be an actor and director at the same time? Johnny and I would love to know the answer, so please pray tell.”, she asked me.

“You went through it with me. You should be able to conclude now.”, I wanted her to think.

“No. Then it’s exactly the same as for us two.”, she said, “You, David are the director, while your personas are the actors. You perform as them, or they perform for you, and… Wait. You always credit yourself in the end, even though you let them perform instead of you…”

“Yeah. It’s my creation afterall.”, I affirmed.

She hugged me all of a sudden. The first hug I got from John.

“You’re so lucky, David.”, she squeezed me, “I wish I met you earlier. In good old Liverpool. You would’ve appreciated me from the beginning… Like…”

She sniffled, “I want to see her again… I hope she found someone else. She had to have found someone else.”

“Who?”

My question was downright ignored again.

“I told him to leave her, for her health. We both loved her. And the child… He was in the middle of everything. John hurt him too. What an awful person. What an awful actor. No, I am an awful director.”

This is going downhill really fast.

“Lennon, are you okay?”, I asked her. Her face was buried into my shirt.

“Bowie, I’m so thankful.”

“This is helping?”, I asked.

“This is helpful, yes.”, she said, “John needs to visit Julian at all costs. The lads were right about us… Oh, Paul…”

I realized everything. John views his emotions as feminine. He was repressing this for so long. And is still repressing them by putting them in a different persona.

“I couldn’t have guessed that John has been feeling this way.”, I sighed and hugged her back.

“John is not writing and performing for a while and that is the end. He needs to let off steam. He is tired of playing the cunning and smart Britishman. He is neither cunning nor smart in person. He is just a normal Liverpudlian with a nasally high voice that he absolutely despises and high standards, nothing more, nothing less.”

“Everything will be alright. John is like a mentor to me.”, I reddened because of embarrassment, “I believe he’ll figure things out.”

“First person to say he is a mentor to them, I always viewed him as a playful guy who acted like a child. A smart child.”, she was proud.

“If I call you John, would I be wrong?”

“Yeah, because I passionately deny it in front of an audience. My crew gets the other answer.”

“John, why would you go through this? It was simpler to tell me as yourself. You don’t need a spectacle to tell me the truth.”

“He needs to rest. He wouldn’t tell you the truth, he is imagined that way. A brick wall.”

“You are still talking about yourself in the third person and you told me all this.”

“Force of habit. My little beloved actor side…”, she wiped her tear smearing part of the makeup… I don’t remember applying that much.

“Why does he even need to let off steam? Isn’t he ideal? He should be able to withstand whatever I throw at him, not let me take over. Life really knows how to set me up. I should be able to get through this.”, she pouted.

“John isn’t perfect.”, I told her.

“John is perfect by his function.”, she proudly stated.

I got sad. John just admitted to me he was fake. He was fake with me. What did he mean everytime we played, what did he think of me?

 “Wait, wait, no, no! David… ”, her view fluttered towards my eyes, like an older sister watching her upset younger brother, “You took it the wrong way, no, I explained it wrong.”

She smeared the makeup, finally breaking the boundaries for John.

“Bowie, I’m so sorry… I got too into character.”

“She is you, of course you got into character, when it’s your feelings Lennon.”

“David…”, he struggled to get anything out.

“You really can’t tell the truth huh?”, I was astonished with the amount of anxiety and pain he must’ve been feeling, “John, I still respect you and I think you respect me too by sharing all this. But this kind of behavior is damaging for you, so tell me directly what is bothering you? I’ve heard what she thinks. I need to hear it from you.”

He was quiet, pondering my question, staring into my eyes.

“What’s bothering me is that I’m trapped in a loveless marriage with a child that I am not sure is mine, and even songwriting and peacemaking doesn’t satisfy me anymore. I only like working with people, because I’m sick of writing on my own. I’m sick of running after George and Paul, fuck ‘em both.”, this was unexpected.

“How long?”, I pat him on the shoulder.

“Yoko and I have been in a bad spot for some time now because of the May situation. Sean will make or break our marriage completely in private. Yoko knows me all too well, she knows how much I regret not taking care of Julian and how much I have a soft spot for kids. If I leave her, I’d look like I’m running away from the responsibility of being a parent, I’d hate that to happen again.”, what interesting phrasing.

“I’m sick of pretending that I know everything if I know nothing. That’s it. I know absolutely nothing.”, he is going from one extreme to the other. When I look back on his attitude, he always acted like he had everything under control. It was contradictory that he was prone to panic. It’s like when a play goes wrong and the director can’t correct it. Everything was preplanned, John came here with the thought of doing this. He wanted to tell me something and I think I can dig it out of him.

“What does your aunt think of it?”, could be tied to her.

“Mary? She told me she supported me whatever I do. But she is scared. Of course she is. Her nephew is in a big city in an another country.”, he said, “I should pay her a visit soon. Maybe next week.”

His face became melancholic, “She is scared for me and Julia…”

Julia. First I heard that name from John’s mouth. 

“Jules is depressed all of the time, she is alone, I think she liked Paul for a long time and they used to hang out, but they never got together. She just gave up when everything “didn’t go according to plan”. No wonder us two are still in a quarrel, so I’m not paying her a visit. We are too different. I’m impulsive and rash, she would pre plan every single thing down to the minute detail.”, he sighed angrily.

“John, stop lying. You predicted my behavior. You arranged my behavior like a director to get me to give you space for your problems. You two are more similar than you think.”, I calmed him down, “You should both resolve the conflict. It’s clear you care, because you are still angry.”

“No, we are not similar, and how would you know what she is like!”, he was angry, or no, he was panicking.

“She is caring, she is funny and melancholic, slow, truthful and direct. She holds her own and likes to write using metaphors…”

“Yeah, that’s her.”, he facepalmed himself and laughed quietly, “I am really getting out of hand. I should resolve that with her.”

Is that what he wanted to tell me? To help him with resolving his conflict with his sister. That is very sad and I’m grateful he thinks we’re that close.

“Anything else?”, this was getting sadder and sadder. John Lennon was unraveling in front of me. The description that fits Julia could fit him then, broken on the floor, smiling like everything was meaningless except the moment he was sharing with me, which he planned for I guess long before we met today. He wiped off the rest of the makeup. The frail stature of the man didn’t suit the picture we all had of him for so long. His eyes remained doll-like. He had a stubble but it was missing!

“Did you apply makeup before this or what?”

“I dunno, but I do know we should finish sorting and we lost time on my confession. Let's sort this out.”

“John, explain, please, I’m so curious! I am most curious to know what you have been hiding! You cannot cut the story where you like!”

“Except I can David, I am the director.”, he joked, “And this part of the play has gone on for too long. Let’s get back to the script.”

I sighed and laughed. I’m glad I got to see his vulnerable side. I could've been overthinking things. We sorted through the documents and parted ways.

“Thank you once more, David. It helped me so much.”, he said sincerely smiling, “I will visit aunt Mimi during next week, I missed Liverpool.”

“I’m happy I got to share this moment with you. Please consider what I said. Don’t let my words be for nothing…”

I went home and began thinking about visiting Liverpool. I’ve never been there and inspiration could be anywhere. This week, I went there. It was very nice and quiet. I headed to Strawberry Fields, since it was John’s most inspiring spot. In here I found some Beatlemaniacs, but the fuss they were making was much smaller than I expected. Other than them, there were few people on a walk… I  found a spot in the grass and relaxed. John liked the place because the two of them could focus on the songs. I stared off into the sky that was framed by trees, giving me a sense of intimacy.

“Why must you always complicate things? You did the best thing you could’ve done at that moment…”, I heard a familiar voice.

“I don’t know how you look me in the eye sometimes.”, another quite familiar voice, “After everything we did to you. It’s not just him…”

I moved my head to the source of the voices and spotted two women. I recognized the first one immediately, she was Cynthia Powell, while the other one was a tall brunette with cat-eye glasses. They sat on the bench in front of me. Cynthia sat ladylike, while her friend spread herself out, making Cynthia chuckle.

“I missed you a lot. I’m glad you took precautions and only visited Julian, but you could’ve used more chances to check on how I was doing y’know? We’re still best of friends.”

“Cyn…”, the brunette hugged her, “You always understood me. Yet I always misused that.”

Cynthia lifted an eyebrow.

“Julia, you and your theatrics. Stop repeating yourself and relax…”, she patted her younger friend on the head.

Julia and John have a history with Cynthia.

“Everything is quite simple. It’s just your poetic head that makes everything complicated. Just like your songs.”, Cynthia said.

“They’re good.”, Julia stated, “I’m done with them.”

“You are done with them? But why?”, Cynthia asked her.

“Enjoy the view, Ms. Prim, and don’t think about it.”, Julia joked.

By John’s description, Julia writes too. Could Julia have been writing John’s songs all along, or no. That would be stupid. John and I wrote “Fame” together over improvised live sessions.

“You know you could tell me anything, Lennon.”, Cynthia looked at her with a sense of longing.

Julia stared at her the same way John stared at me after I asked him.

“I think that my little actor has passed his boundaries.”, Julia explained, “Even though Yoko keeps him in check, you could include May as well. He needs a break.”

She was using the same terminology as John, making me question are John and her even in a fight.

“I…”, Cynthia glanced at her friend in tears, “But songwriting has become the only thing you love. After Paul left you…”

“After I left him. He just rejected me. I don’t need his sorrows and explanations. I still love him… John still loves him. I don’t understand why he was so against everything!”, Julia was angry, “And I love Aunt Mimi, Julian and my friends, including you. You said it yourself, I did the best thing. And sometimes it meant John leaving you. He needed to go. The selfish prick with no boundaries.”

My question was answered.

“Could you do me a favour? Just one.”, Cynthia asked with a sense of playfulness.

“What?”, Julia looked at her with her doll-like eyes. Her eyes shifted to the behind of the bench.

A small sign passed behind the bench. It was exactly like a sign I noticed on a picture of Cynthia and John. Julia blushed a bright pink.

“Ah, Cynthia Powell, whatever shall I do with your lovesick head?”, Julia joked.

“Well, Julia Victoria Lennon, whatever shall you do? Ms. “I forgot my best friend” and Ms. “I love Paul”.”

“I told the pricks multiple times that it's as it says… Augh, that’s not important. And this one is for Ms. Prim and Proper.”, I couldn’t believe it but Julia planted a kiss on Cynthia’s lips. A kiss of friendship and lost passion. A parting one. Or a kiss they haven’t shared for so long. Were they together before John and Cynthia or what is their story?

“I listened to your new song. I liked it.”

“Oh, yeah, y’know, the kid I worked with is great. Were it not for him, I wouldn’t have visited Aunt Mimi and you.”

Wait.

“He reminds me of you, so artistic and introverted. Proper when he is himself but his personas are full of life.”, she booped Cynthia on her nose.

This can't be.

“You have adopted another rock star. Oh, Julia.”, Cynthia chuckled.

“Don’t remind me of Geo, he fucking gets on my nerves. He can’t stand Yoko. How are the two of us supposed to hang out if he keeps being such a drag?”

“You can’t go anywhere without dragging her with you, am I really getting replaced as a best friend too?”

“Cyn, you cheeky woman.”, Jules chuckled, “She needs to keep me in check, I can’t trust meself. Though I didn’t bring her to practice with Bowie that day… Hm.”

“Oh, oh, John is queer. I could have expected this, no, who am I kidding. No.”, were the words I thought while freaking out. 

The two women chatted some more while my jaw dropped. Julia told Cynthia John’s problems like they were nothing, just a story she thought up over a cup of tea. Cynthia listened to her, gave her advice. They were close, and I understand why - they were together for ten years.

“Cyn, want to go to my place? It was nice to visit Strawberry Fields. See, this tree behind us is where Paul and I wrote most of our hits.”, she pointed in my direction but didn’t see me.

“Yeah, we could, I want to say hi to your aunt.”, she chuckled, “Proudest aunt in Liverpool.”

“Second to Paul’s scumbag father.”, Julia scoffed.

“Don’t fret over that, Jules.”, she kissed her on the cheek.

Julia took Cynthia by the hand and led her home.

“It’s you and I, Ms. Prim.”, Julia chuckled.

Leaving me imagining what part of the illusion was real; Julia or John? Only thing I knew for sure was they respected me and I respected them and their choice, making me feel less alone and alien in this weird world.

Rest of Sacrifame

𝟏𝟗𝟔𝟑.

𝓨𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓕𝓸𝓻 𝓣𝓱𝓮𝓲𝓻… 𝓒𝓱𝓮𝓶𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓻𝔂?

𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎

Mick Jagger’s Notebook

Writer’s block. Fuck me! Just as we were beginning to write nice bops, shit, we don’t click for several days and write absolute bullcrap while we're at it. Fuck this problem. And then, I fucking look over there at Parlophone and The goddamn Beatles are doing just swell! Lennon and McCartney lounging away their greedy and prissy asses, writing some new schlop the audience will like. They look like they always click!

“Fuck them.”

“Mick, don’t beat yourself up. They suck, but we could steal a trick or two from ‘em? Whatcha say?”

“Huh, not bad Richards.”

At least we function as friends. Maybe those two aren’t that friendly with each other outside the studio. 

Whenever we visit, they are welcoming. Of course. They always act like they are bigger than us. Currently, yes, but in the future, I hope not.

Paul McCartney was fake one hundred percent of the time. He had that unnatural kindness that didn’t sit right with me. It looked like we were foremost rivals and enemies. Still, he was polite enough. I respect him. Though, he would get irritated by me, which I am extremely proud of, but never seemed to make a fuss about it. Wonder why?

Meanwhile, his more sincere and head in the clouds best friend, John Lennon, always told us where we stand. Sometimes he’d feel like helping us, sometimes he would tell us to “bugger off”, but Keith and I knew he meant it. He was patient with us and had a fascination with our attempts to get information from him. 

The most important fact about them was that they really respected each other and did so many things together. And I need that with Keith, I need that thing that they do!

So I explained the situation to Lennon, because he was easier to talk to. With McCartney, it was much more work. 

“Oh, so you and Keith cucked out-”

And I regretted it immediately.

“Because you are too afraid.”

He winked.

“Me and Paul aren’t afraid of the press that much.”

“Lennon, I don’t know if you’re messing with me! The Beatles are going with the “good boy” aesthetic. We are the “bad boys” here. Of course we have it harder. The press ain’t pretty.”

He chuckled some more.

“Are we really that good?”, he blurted out, “Or…”

“Give me throwaway advice at least. Not this shit.”

“Okay, Jagger, if ya want to!”, he joked.

“Tell me what you and McCartney do when you’re out of sync.”

“We take some time off and do something fun? Drink. Fun with our birds? Then get back to the studio and write. Simple as that. Take a break, Mick.”

I don’t want to take a break, he is saying that because he wants us to fail and for them to have the monopoly.

“Do you have a quicker fix?”

Lennon rolled his eyes and chuckled.

“Dunno.”

Then he got extremely serious, checking for something. He got close to my ear.

“Then sleep with each other, what can I say?”

“What the fuck, John?”

“You need that intimacy and truthfulness to yourselves? Then explore.”

He was on the brink of bursting from laughter.

I was dumbfounded.

“You know, only lovers can be in sync most of the time. If you really think Macca and I are trying to undermine you and are in sync all the time, then it could only mean that we’re queer.”

“You git!”,  fuckin’ stupid joke making me laugh.

“And you know Macca, even though you know what rumor goes around for taller people’s peckers, he is packing-”, he said it disproportionately loud.

God, hahhahahaahhaah!

“You. You, Lennon, are getting on me nerves.”

“Oh, boohoo, the princess can’t take one single joke.”, he cracked a smile.

“Oh, I can take one, but can you take my pack?”

OH, FUUUUCK!

“No, Paul didn’t say what I think he did!”, I exploded into giggles. Wish the boys were here to hear this line of dialogue.

Lennon did not take that well. He was full of rage and defeat but… like always Lennon had a trick up his sleeve. 

“Only with frosting and cherry on top.”

Now they were both angry, so in sync.

“Really, I thought you liked it raw?”, McCartney is in a good mood for a joke today. Fun. Their conversation had a clear story. Maybe Keith and I should try something similar.

“No, not really, Paulie, I like it safe and sound.”, he winked, “Whatever, I am not coming in anytime soon.”

Paul chuckled.

“They called you for tuning. Tried to find you, saw you hanging out with our fierce competition.”, and welcome back, McCart, glad to see you are once again barely acknowledging my existence.

“Not even a hello for the rival?”, I joked.

He rolled his eyes.

“Hello, Mick Jagger. Johnny, go.”

He chuckled.

“Go, Johnny, go!”, what an awful pun. Don’t know if Lennon’s or his are worse.

“Alright, princess.”, he disappeared into the studio.

As McCartney was about to tinker with some tech I interrupted him,

“McCartney, do you have some advice for getting in sync? Lennon told me some bull, so I am asking the straightman here.”

Paul laughed.

“The straightman, alright.”, is he willing to share with me some advice? Unusual.

“What did John tell you?”

“To fuck? That is what you two do!”

“Oh, that man is surely getting beaten up today.”, Paul was fuming, “Did he tell you something else or just fucked with you? I know very well how and when he likes to do- I’m setting up myself aren’t I?”

That was worth a chuckle. 

“He told me to take a break.”

“And what great advice he gave you. We always do that.”, Paul looked proud for a second, “And he should’ve stopped fucking there!”

Can’t hear the word normally now.

“GOD! Get that picture out of your head, Jagger!”

“The princess doesn’t want to be stripped further.”, Lennon walks back in and continues the game.

“And you don’t want to be punished further.”, McCartney wasn't letting go. They were stubborn as hell.

“We are going in circles with this thing.”, Lennon noticed, “Mick, the two of us are very grateful for your fun with this topic, and now listen; you don’t need a Lennon or a McCartney to tell you what’s best. You have to, y’know-”

John grabbed me strongly by the shoulders.

“Feel it.”

“And think it through.”, Paul added.

“Concluding stuff in that way.”, John ended.

That’s a nice tip.

“That’s gear, thanks.”

“We’ll be going to the studio now. Got to get some shit recorded. Let’s go Paul, and bye rivaaaal!”, Lennon waved and went.

“Bye.”, McCartney followed him.

“Goodbye, Beat less.”

I heard a small whisper from McCartney, “We just helped our competition.”

“Let ‘em at it. They need to learn and grow. Then we wouldn’t have fun-”, and I got too far away.

They really look at us in that way, huh.

Keith and I took their advice to heart and it helped us a lot. We did our own thing. Took breaks sometimes. When we felt something we wrote it down. It really was that easy. And of course we “had to” thank the snide buggers for helping us. But, we wanted to add a little twist to it; mostly because of Lennon’s love for a good joke.

We two went into EMI to check on them. Harrison and Starr were in the studio as per usual. Harrison gave us some biscuits. He had three tins. Three tins.

“One is never enough when John or Ringo are near. Especially Johnny.”

“Still three fucking tins?”

“When you mention fucking, my dear Richards, I remember we had a session last night?”

“Who practices at-”, Starr questioned, “Oh, oh!”

Starr chuckled.

“You gits are lying!”, Lennon walked in.

“Why would sugarplum and I lie?”, Keith my brother.

“OH MY GOD, you madmen!”, Lennon giggled.

“Why would you do that?”, Harrison put away his biscuits.

“Him and McCartney do it? We wanted to thank you because of that. Worked like a charm.”

“John is a big goofball, you are fools for trusting his advice.”, Harrison ate a biscuit, “Want one, John?”

“Yeah.”, he bit the biscuit and talked with his mouth full, “Glad that worked out for you.”

“What happened?”, McCartney entered in a hurry, “We need to start recording.”

“Oh, they did it.”

“Richards and Jagger did what?”

“They explored each other.”

“OH MY LORD.”, Paul gasped, “Good for you.”

Thumbs up.

“Are you stupid? We wouldn’t do queer stuff. And you never denied doing that yourself didn’t you Lennon?”

“I don’t know Jagger, why would you want that to be true?”

Ooh, this is a new kind of self centered I haven’t encountered.

“Nice joke.”, McCartney clapped.

“Now, can you please get out and let us practice?”, Lennon panicked?

“Nervous?”, Keith asked.

McCart and Lennon were embarrassed. Starr and Harrison were begging us with their faces to end this mockery. We won!

“Stop that blasphemy, sugar plums and darlings, and tell us why you are here?”, Paul joked with us in a pleasant way.

“It really worked, the advice you gave us. Taking breaks and such. Thanks, Lennon. Had to give you something extra in return.”

“Oh, you nasty cunts!”, Lennon roared at us with glee, “That was fun.”

“Oh, for Lennon to say it was fun, must’ve been something.”, Keith commented.

I agree.

“That fool is quite easily entertained.”, McCartney scoffed.

“Of course, that’s why you are my songwriting partner.”

McCartney chuckled, “Yeah, to take care of your little messes, like this one.”

“No mess here.”, Keith simply said.

“Yeah, we aren’t a mess.”, I added.

“God… Why do I have to deal with you and Decca.”, McCart sighed.

And that was our cue to go. Not really fun when our rivals want to beat us, but literally. I would like to do that someday, but currently for our image, not anytime soon.

“Bye then The Schmeatles.”, I said.

“See you later, The Rooling Bones.”, Lennon greeted us.

Those two really are special in some way. Lenin and McCart. Funny. Two outlandish Liverpudlians writing good sounding pieces in five minutes. Well, we’ll get there faster for sure.

For now we should celebrate that we bested them in something for the time being. Maybe we are in sync but in a different way than them… 

Rest of Sacrifame

𝟏𝟗𝟔𝟒.

𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓢𝓬𝓮𝓷𝓮 𝓘𝓼 𝓢𝓮𝓽!

𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎

John’s Letters To Aunt Mimi

Dear Mimi,

We are in the bougie part of London, and we had such a lovely sunny March day (which is a lovely yet rare occurrence during springtime!) and we are making a motion picture. Can you believe it?! Yeah, I can’t either.

It’s fab as now people say because of us four! Gosh, I am so proud of them and me of course! Can’t forget about me!

Today was a long long day for shooting. We ultimately got nothing done… It was just a long train scene. We were all nervous. Imagine, even I, who is used to acting, got nervous. It’s a hard task to pull off a role taking upon another role. But it was fun. We had a great dinner afterwards. Georgie met this girl, and I think they will get together. You may very well have already seen the gal in a mag, Pattie Boyd, the model. She is cute, but not as beautiful as Twiggy or Doris Day or Grace Kelly. After the dinner I was a bit sad we didn’t get stuff done, but “my little friend” told me we will do better tomorrow, though I knew he was even more unsure than me. I told him “Paul if we fuck up, it’s fine, we still have each other.” Great words that. He lit up. And yeah, now I’m writing to ya… Aunt Mimi, I promise I’ll make ya proud, and make this film amazing!

Love ya lots,

John 

Dear Mimi,

we’ve finally filmed the train scene. I got comfortable with the camera and was acting like never before. Even more macho, even more humorous, even more witty. Wish you could’ve seen me, oh YEAH ya will! They say that if we continue at this pace the movie will be released in early July! I can’t wait for you to see all of our lines and our playing and so much stuff! 

To answer your questions. My boys and I are doing great and we are safe. They are not making us do stuff against our own will. We have a contract that prohibits tampering, at least that’s what Brian says. For the stores, I’ll promise I’ll go and check out some when I get the chance. I know how much you like it when I get new clothes and accessories… You just want me to enjoy things now and to spend the money I earn on fun things… Oh, Auntie. And to solve the next problem, I will take Paul with me. He has an eye for what fits me… He is my partner. I will take care of meself, I don’t always need the others or Paulie who you like to single out. Wish you could see how great the flats are!

Love ya lots,

John 

Dear Mimi,

we got a free day! So I decided to go shopping like you told me! I found some great clothes and shoes and I can't wait for you to see ‘em. One of the clothes is a yellow checkered puffy dress with a rose emblem on it, then there is a cute red dress and the combination of a white shirt with black dots and a pencil skirt. I got red pumps and black heels too! That’s done. Paul helped me choose them, he is so stylish… He and the lads greeted you!

I’m glad you are doing well, I cannot believe I forgot to ask you! John’s doing!  I’m so happy you have gone back to your hobby. I miss your hats. Can’t wait to get a new one. How are the other ladies? I hope you are talking to them, don’t get too lonely without me. Did you visit Mum? I hope you brought flowers for me too… It’s so unfair to both of us. I promise, when I come back I’ll keep ya company. I promise and you have this letter as proof I promised. I promise you as me, not my facade.

Love you,

your niece John

Dear Mimi,

everything is so bad. We are done “filming” all the scenes. Yay, I thought. But… Some scenes need to be redone. We have to “redub” some of our live singing. Why? I like it live! I love the studio but it is so stupid to dub live recordings… God, I am so frustrated. Brian and Paul don’t agree with George and me. Everyone thinks Brian is always right, well maybe he is, but this is a musical sin! They wanted to use our album recordings for it. The microphones were so bad they didn’t catch the “nuance of the Beatles playing”. What the hell are they talking about? We just strum. Still, I’m happy with the result we have currently though I am in a fight with Paul because of the stupid dubbing. Paul is so staunch on keeping his opinion, so stubborn! Well, John Winston Lennon is more stubborn than him!  I’ll show him… 

I am very glad the ladies are fine. You think of everything when you do something, Mimi. You even brought my favourite flower to bring her… You really are the greatest aunt. At these scumbags you would for sure scoff. They are so mean sometimes. And they smell bad. Money grubbing idiots. Not fit for a lady like you and Jules, but fit for me… Maybe I am filthy like them, John collects their filth… Julia remains clean. I wonder how clean can a person here be?

Love ya lots, 

John

Dear Mimi,

I’m barely able to write this letter, my rock and roll finger is hurting! Jokes aside, I listened to your solution for my fight with Paul, much to my dismay. Before that I was always on edge to beat him up and to pout at Brian. I formulated to him that what I meant was for us four to ask the film director to film all the scenes with us playing again with more cameras and better sound proofing so that the music would be live and prove to Brian that me and Geo were right. He was intrigued to say the least and gave in, after me bothering him more and more. We went to the film director and as it turns out, he doesn’t have the budget! The goddamn Beatles motion picture doesn’t have the budget! I was fuming! Paul looked like he was expecting such a response. He got on my nerves again. Though, I won’t forget he supported me then, when I argued with the film director about the footage. “No, we don’t have enough film for that.” or “Sound proofing for our sets is quite expensive, and besides that clunky.” would be heard a dozen times. Then I would say, “But isn’t a studio supposed to be acoustic?”, and he would say, “But this is a movie, mister Lennon.”. That’s a new level of dumb. So I had my little revenge. I wouldn’t want our band to waste away, so I told them that we will play everything all over again to make a unique dub for the movie as a fuck you. Weirdly enough, Brian supported me. Even if the film director felt that that was unnecessary, how could you say no to the stars of the film who could pull out any moment? That is the reason my hand has cramps. Paul is annoyed with me because of this choice but he can’t say he didn’t enjoy making a different version. I plan, during the editing phase of the movie, for us four to go explore the place some more and relax. I owe them that much for putting them up to more work.

Lots of love,

John

Dear Mimi,

London is such a big place. Me and the lads went through the entire Hyde Park. I can’t believe I didn’t take the time to explore the city before this. The nature in the parks is wonderful and diverse. The architecture is beautiful and elegant. The Rose Garden in Hyde Park is my favourite place, maybe Paul and I could write some songs there. It’s quiet and romantic, perfect for a working atmosphere. Maybe I get too caught up in music making. Exactly why I don’t explore as much as I did before. I would love to do this with Cyn someday. Maybe Paul and I should take Julian out to play... You asked if I knew how Cyn and Jules were, and I write to tell you they are fine. Cynthia is taking up some art courses and teaching Julian how to count, he is so smart! He knows how to count to five already. Of course he is my kid. He is a bundle of sunshine, really brightens up Cyn’s day, she won’t shut up about him in her letters (and who can blame her, he is very cute and funny). I envy her sometimes, she doesn’t let art consume her so much. But what is an artist if not a complicated person with layers and addictions towards their work? 

You made a hat for me! You spoiled the surprise. You know I love them! Well, I’ll try and forget it. Still, I wanted to ask if there is anything else that you wanted me to bring home? If not for you then for others? Wait, I am not falling into that hole. Gifts for others, not their requests, they are not my aunt. 

Lots of love,

John

Dear Mary,

I don’t know how to feel about your last letter. I am making a difference out here and you still bother me about that small thing! Also, you really think I’m doing this for money? No. I’m doing this because there is no other way… Even if there is, that “sham” you are talking about is giving me a way to distance myself from my feelings and write something quite logical. Even though I think we are still subpar and I tell my band that all the time, I think we are on the right track to improve ourselves. The person you call “shameful” and “selfish” has helped create great bands and improved the lives of the other members. It hurts me you think that way about me and my ideas. You don’t even want me to bring stuff if I don’t let go of my ideas. Silly Mary. I’m not seventeen anymore. I am my own man person and I decide what I will or will not do. But your angry response has led me to question what I did, so thank you very much Mary. Do you wonder if I had waited just a little bit and enrolled somewhere else I could’ve been able to achieve the same thing without my idea? If I had… I dunno, enrolled into art school like Cyn and found some friends there? More similar to me… Well, like Paul but you know how. But, I don’t think it would’ve had the same impact as the Beatles. First it was all about fun, and it still is fun, but I would’ve had fun that way too. But now. Now, it’s about impact too. The movie is edited and ready to go. With it, we have reached the big screen. The influence is a burden but we could use it! We could do something with it! I could help people, Mary! All four of us can! We could be the mirror of the society, we could embody the opinion of our demographic! And we already do! We are the demographic! Maybe I sound powerhungry, but I think we don’t need to educate people, we need to make more people aware about the faults and struggles of society! Maybe I am on a high horse but you can’t deny the facts I have brought up. The Beatles CAN change something. They CAN do it. Just believe in me, Mary. Please, Mimi.

Love ya lots,

John

Jules

Julia

Yours truly,

J. V. L.

Rest of Sacrifame

𝟏𝟗𝟔𝟖.

𝓝𝓸𝓽 𝓐 𝓛𝓲𝓽𝓽𝓵𝓮 𝓚𝓲𝓭 𝓐𝓷𝔂𝓶𝓸𝓻𝓮

𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎

George’s Notes

We were in India. Another place. Far from home. Enjoying meditation. Having fun. 

This was my passion! In 1966. I brought the sitar and Julia loved it! Or John. Whatever. She used it in her “Norwegian Wood”. I always liked to talk about Ravi to them whenever I got the chance and all of them knew how much I liked Indian culture. So this getaway to our “ideological savior” seemed like a great way to relax ourselves. And for me, a great way to attract the writing pair’s attention! They always put Ringo and me down, even when they don’t necessarily mean it.

But the most important thing to me is that we all cleared our heads. Ritch left first. I felt sad, he and I hang out a lot, so the fact of him leaving first hit hard. Also, I understood why he did, he had bad allergies and the food here was upsetting for him. 

The two that were left gave me a hard time, each in their own way. They talked to each other from time to time. Haven’t seen them talk normally for a while. Paul would be prissy and make stupid comments, while John was unbearlably fucking around with the idea of the religion. Paul was a bit too conservative for this so he left next. He tried out all the things this place had to offer, and I must say, maybe he explored this place the best. Linda was fine too… She is a nice gal. Like Cynthia, who I had the biggest crush on for a very long time. She fit in fine, and only seemed to care about two things; relaxing and John. John decided to stay however long I wanted to stay. Of course, we are quite similar, she was starry eyed too. Pattie and I had a lot of fun together, just hanging about and talking about the most basic stuff. It became a lot quieter since Paul left. John made some jokes but her-or his-or goddamn it, I’ve known this for six years and still can’t get it right! John’s attention was elsewhere. 

What I didn’t expect was that Cynthia and Pattie became close and started to hang out on their own leaving us two behind. This was the chance to sell to John my idea for songs. Although, John looked more spaced out than usual. Offhanded comments here and there. Something about the sun, or nature, or the feel of the wind. John got poetic fast. And now, John and I are sitting here, on the beach. “Geo, do you really believe this small guru?”, oh… This is serious. It’s not really John when it’s serious.

“Yes, why?”

“Hum.”, she took a biscuit.

“Julia, why do you say that?”

“I think he is doing some fraudulent activities. Paul found something while he was scavenging.”

“And you still trust Paul?”, oh no, she is mad. Or no… Dissapointed.

She chuckled.

“Geo, he is still my songwriting partner. And here you are.”

She handed me the paper. It had a complete description of some customers' orders and the amount they charge. There was the order and then a tipping mechanism where they took 50% from people.

“I felt like Maharishi was a good little guru. Always setting up people. Making you bite.”, what the fuck are you saying Lennon!

“Me? We all bit it!”

“You bit it first.”

“Lord, Jules… Could be fake for all I know, or could be I dunno repurposed.”

“George. I’m not exaggerating aaaaand I’m not letting you spend any more money on this SCUM.”

“I know how to handle money! Sometimes better than you! Always better than John!”

“You don’t involve John in this! This is about you!”, Julia.

“Jules, I am not that fifteen year old anymore! I’m twenty five! I can make the right decisions on my own!”

Julia was distraught. But I told her the truth!

“Look, I know you are responsible, sometimes even more responsible than I am, but you are naive! You think everything can be resolved-”

“OF COURSE IT CAN! Julia, you could’ve made it known at any moment that you are a woman and it wouldn’t matter! We are on the toppermost of the poppermost Jules! You wanted to be there, remember!”, think woman, think!

Julia got angry, but not Julia angry but John angry, which was much scarier.

“We are there because people presume we are all men! And you never know what problems would arise should I do that! What if I put myself in danger? No, you in danger! I still don’t know why we’re on top. I know people dislike some of our music and want to see us fail! Half of the time I think our music is pure shite that won’t last a fucking day after if we hadn’t had such good marketing!”

“You must really hate yourself, Julia, if this trip couldn’t get you out of your mindset.”

“Georgie. Was it ever a secret?”, Jules laughed.

That woman drives me insane. I… This whole trip, the reason John was spaced out was because Julia was monitoring what I do! Lord, John or Jules always kept tabs on me! And I wonder how sometimes I could be lucky that Brian didn’t find out something or that Paul didn’t shout at me. Julia had my back! 

“Jules! You should let me fight for myself! Goddamn it! Fuck you! I… Can’t stand you sometimes. I can’t stand that you…”

Push me and want me to write more, sing more, play more? Then as John put me down and snuff out my confidence.

“I cannot let you fuck yourself up because of some unimprotant man and his cult! I can’t let anyone scream at you because of something stupid that happened. George, I do that for Ritch also, though Ritch doesn’t get into sticky situations that much.”

“Stop helping me in the worst possible way. I have to face the consequences! I have to see it for myself.”

“But what if you never figure it out?”, Julia hugged me, “What if you continue believing in your delusion and it costs you everything?”

“JULIA, that is the thing I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU!”, I hugged her.

“What?”

“You have to stop! Paul gave up on you. He married Linda, because he couldn’t marry you! You destroy yourself with drugs. You drift away more often.”

She was speechless.

“You hurt Cynthia, Ritch and I as John because of the stress and misuse of drugs! You are not yourself anymore.”

“You can’t say that you don’t use drugs too…”

“I don’t use them as much as you do. Our mommy’s death broke us. It broke you two the most.”

“Shut up, George.”

And here is John.

“John is becoming his own thing and I don’t think you can even see when you are the one or the-”

“JOHN ISN’T A REAL PERSON!”, he covered his mouth.

“He isn’t a person, he is just a device, an idea!”, he flailed his hands around.

“I can do everything and I don’t need your stupid advice. I came here to tell you and try to get you out of this cult, not to be lectured by some pussy.”

I sighed.

“George, I am going. Enjoy the view. I cannot anymore. I don’t even see properly without me glasses, so what did I even see in this place? Don’t think I didn’t get hopeful when I got here! I did. I was hopeful I would relax. I didn’t. I was scared half of the time someone would fuck up and with any interaction with Paul and other half of the time I was questioning this place. I am restless, and suppose I will be, for the rest of my life.”

“John, I told you what I meant. I am direct. Unlike you, just like Julia. I cannot watch you suffer any longer! I can’t watch people around me suffer! Just think about it! Just think!”

“I feel. I have to feel it’s right.”, John looked at me with teary eyes. Never seen Julia cry as John.

“Alright… I didn’t want to make you cry… Now it looks weird because you are still in that John getup of yours.”

Julia laughed.

“Getup, haha! Geo, you are getting more creative by the day.”

Julia lit up.

“Okay, if you want me to relax so much, I have an idea, juuuust look away for a… Couple of minutes.”

“Oh no, I have encouraged Julia Victoria Lennon to do something.”

She smiled and I turned away. I heard the sound of clothes moving around. Then bandages being taken down. Maybe even a hair tie being let down.

“Turn around!”

Oh, now it’s just Julia.

“Ta-da! Now I can relax.”, she spread herself on the sand.

“Wait- Don’t relax too much! I want to tell you about my songs!”

“Alright, Geo, what do you have in mind?”

I told her every minute detail about the songs I wrote. She listened to me! Yay! And she even approved some! And gave me some tips and tricks to work on my songs. It was really such a nice session of writing. I missed when she would give me some song attention instead of treating me like a little kid who can barely write and play.

“That’s great, I’m so proud of you!”, Julia scratched my head, “Baby George!”

“Augh, I thought you said you’ll stop calling me that!”

“Well, John said that, I didn’t.”

“You can’t get away with this!”

She calmed down.

“But seriously, continue working on this, it will sound better and better. Maybe I could get Paul to approve it-”

“No, I’ll show it to him just like I’ve shown you! Don’t do anything Lennon, I beg of ya!”

“I won’t then.”, she wistfully smiled.

You could sense the feeling of satisfaction coming from her.

“Maybe you aren’t so fragile and small like you were Georgie. But enough about that, I’m going for a swim!”

“Not without me!”

We jumped into the ocean and played around. Julia loved to swim, she was fast on foot, and she was a fast swimmer. She swam almost half a kilometer away in just 12 minutes. How does she do that with our clunky clothes? I followed her but I didn't like the chance of getting an ache and I went back to the shore. I was happy for her. This is the first time she looked naturally relaxed during this entire trip! She swam back after 20 minutes.

“I wonder how you can swim so far and not get scared? Or any aches?”

“I got aches. I just ignore them and paddle my way back, simple as that!”

“You are so weird sometimes!”, I chuckled, “And capable!”

“Um, that’s my job as your leader, dummy!”, she knocked my head.

I laughed.

“I wish I could relax like this everyday!”

“Well, that isn’t happening. But, I have a mystery to debunk, and that is Maharishi’s history. I’ll have fun.”

“You are still on about what Paul said? How about you stop thinking about him and just think about hm…”

“No, I’m doing more as a fuck you to cultists then because of Paul. I’m angry at Paul. I’m miserable because of him.”

“Glad you understand basic human emotions.”

She giggled.

“Okay, Harrison. Tell ya if I find more evidence, but knowing these kinds of trickster buggers, you won't be waiting much!”

The sun was setting and we were gazing at the view. Until I heard some movement in the trees.

“Where did we end up? Are you sure both of them are here! Oh, look, there is George!”, Pattie! Darling!

“Come here! Missed you so much!”, I hugged her.

“Where’s John?”, Cynthia wondered. 

Oh my Lord, where is Julia?

“Um, I dunno, he was just here with me.”

I searched with my eyes and found Julia hiding behind a rock all panic ridden.

“Why are there bandages on the floor?”, Pattie asked.

Cynthia realized what had happened.

“Just some trash we encountered, how awfully dirty the tourists here must be!”

“I’ll then find a rubbish bin suitable for them.”, Cynthia, thank you for taking care of John. I’m glad Julia chose to be with you and pretend than anyone else.

Julia looked at me. Her look was basically telling me: “What do we do? Should I go out or not? No, tell them to leave! Give Cynthia a sign to make them leave. I don’t want anyone else finding out.”

I scoffed.

“Where did you scoff at.”, Pattie said, “At that rock!”

Julia came out with her hands crossed.

Cyn was shocked but relieved to see her. She was waiting for what Julia would do.

“OH, it’s John, see Cyn we found him! Though I must say you look more frail than usual.”

“What can I say? This sun eats ya!”

We chuckled.

“And I had to see what Cyn’s relief looked like. Never expected such a big reaction from ya.”

“How can I not react that way when I love you so much!”, she ran towards Julia and hugged her as hard as possible, “I was already thinking I had to call the search party to search all over!”

“Don’t worry Cyn, I can handle a little labyrinth!”

“I don’t think so!”

“Alriiight.”, Julia sighed, smiling.

“Glad we are all here then! Let’s all go back together to our houses!”, Pattie was happy.

“Nah, I’d like to stay here a bit longer with Cyn.”, Julia disappointed me yet again.

“Oh- Oh, well have fun!”, Pattie waved them goodbye and I took her hand.

I sent another look to Julia. It meant “When are you going to stop lying!”

I figured Cyn helped Julia get bandaged up, because it was going to be dinner time soon. The rest of the day went normally. And the rest of the vacation was great, though it was cut short because of John’s investigation! He found out that Maharishi is a fraud, and really a fraud! So I dug deeper, and found the same, with more evidence! We united the evidence and presented it to the man, who said we were exaggerating and not understanding what it said!

“Look, you can’t deny your eyes and there are two of us claiming this against you! You lied to me!”, I began, “You lied to me that money wasn’t that important!”

“Well, I didn’t say that it was not necessary, you got to make a living!”

“By scamming others, not such a little good guru afterall! With this kind of behavior, I would’ve thought you would also pay flying carpet lessons!”

Maharishi chuckled.

“You know, this proves you’ll be absolutely the same as before if you leave. You, Lennon, have something to hide. Always look like that. You think you are clever, but you are not. You are empty, surrounded by enlightening remarks. But what is their purpose, you don’t know. For you, George Harrison, you will still be that insecure and childish egoist I met. Direct and naive; curious too. No wonder you dragged the whole group of you to-”

John was angry.

“You are not going to talk that way about us UNLESS I say what I think about you first! You are a snide, privacy breaking, yellow bellied, ass licking, greedy son of a bitch who likes to think he is so high and mighty! So it is just right to take away people’s hard earned cash like that!”

“The Beatles are basically the same thing!”

“We make good music.”, John replied.

“And we make good points? Explain the difference, Lennon, explain it! Oh, and haven’t seen this much emotion from you during your whole stay, I’m glad-”

“Because I didn’t get mad!”

“I’ll answer instead. We follow the regulations. We are not some other outside organization. We aren’t money grubbing. Maybe our producers are. And I know we will fix that when we find some inconsistencies.”, I jumped in to help.

“Maybe we are materialistic, but we aren’t putting other people in DEBT you whore! I checked multiple times.”, John continued.

“To check isn’t in character for John Lennon.”, Maharishi chuckled.

“It is if I think so. I don’t con people.”, John answered feeling confused on why Maharishi would say that. Then the guru scammer smiled.

“I’ll figure you out, Lennon. You have something to hide.”

John chuckled, “To hide is to survive? Isn’t that the principle of not getting caught in your scam?”

Maharishi got serious.

“You are feeling guilty of your scamming and blaming others, meanwhile I don’t have anything to declare.”, John stated with confidence.

“I know a deviant when I see them.”

“Oh, and now it’s John’s fault I have turned against you, isn’t it!”, I figured it out, “Trying to blame him for my complaint!”

Maharishi looked at me with some kind of disgust.

“Of course. Of course, we are leaving now. This instant.”, I got mad.

“Don’t go mad Georgie, this mister right here can use it against ya. You have to be relaxed and fulfilled, like he said. That’s how you get happiness, right?”, John joked.

I chuckled and calmed down.

“Yer right.”

“Well, mister, we loved the island and all, but you're a fraud and we have to go!”, John waved him goodbye and I followed. Maharishi pulled me back.

“Mr. Harrison, don’t listen to him!”, he told me, “He is a deviant, a snake, presenting himself as he isn’t!”

“And why would I not? He is one the lads! And you are the snake here.”

“No, no, that’s not a “lad” as you say, not a traditional lad, that’s a hijra.”

“A what now?”

“A… neither male nor female.”

I looked at him blankly. So he figured out the twin tale?

“You cannot trust someone who doesn’t know what they are. And this person, this “John Lennon” as they call itself, is absolutely not trustworthy. Always joking around, always monitoring you, always making inappropriate and underhanded comments. You want freedom and expression right?”

Lord, this slimy motherfucker.

“John is still one of my best friends and pals. You can’t make me stay here any longer. You just made me more angry and volatile. And you accuse John of such heinous acts with no evidence to support it.”

I began walking away towards John, who was packing with Cynthia and Pattie.

“Oh, I understand now. You know of Lennon’s decadency even before I even tell you! Both of you are flawed, go then! I don’t need a place for rude and deviant people like you!”

“Oh, where’s the “we welcome everyone to our family!” or “we are happy to accept any LOST soul”.”, John argued.

Maharishi smiled and walked up to John. He said something to him that made him shiver. Still John behaved cocky and said,

“Oh, I promise I’ll do that. For the chance to piss you off, I’ll continue doing that for as long as I want to!”

We boarded the boat. I looked at John perplexed. 

“What happened for us to go earlier?”, Pattie wondered.

“John, what did you do?”, Cyn asked.

“Absolutely nothing that deserved that kind of send off! Accusing me of deviancy just because George and I handed in some damning evidence that Maharishi scams people!”

“That’s… Fun.”, Cynthia sighed, “Well, at least we’re in one piece and haven’t been held up by that con artist in any other way.”

“You are so smart, Cyn.”, John chuckled, “Yer right as ever.”

John proceeded to kiss her. Before that he gave her a small, not really noticeable sign. He always warned Cyn before kissing her. But I never really noticed Cyn tensing up before the act.

I kissed Pattie as well and whispered in her ear:

“I’m glad this hellish discussion is over and you have absolutely nothing to do with it!”

“I’m glad you’re okay, George.”

Pattie looked at Cynthia and John, “Let’s go inside, it’s getting a bit chilly in here.”

“Wait for us two inside then, I have to talk to John about this shit in private.”

The wives giggled.

“Alright then, George, we’ll be inside. If you need any advice or a shoulder to cry on, you know where to find us!”

“Pattie, sometimes you could be so funny!”, my sweet Pattie.

“And not always? The insolence of this young man! We are going inside, pronto!”, Cynthia pulled Pattie with her.

John rolled his eyes while chuckling.

“No wonder Cyn is my best female friend.”

“Well, a wife is a best friend too.”, I joked.

There was a small pause. We looked at the ocean and the waves splashing in the sun. 

“John, what did that son of a bitch tell you?”

“There is something called a hijra in Indian or Southeastern culture. It is a person in drag, a person who identifies as the opposite gender… He told me that he figured out I was in drag. He told me I can’t keep it together and remain normal if I ever was. He told me I corrupted you… He told me I will drag the entire band into ruin. And even if I told everyone the truth that I would make everything the Beatles did worthless and meaningless.”

“What a freak!”, I couldn’t believe it. Maharishi was today very awful towards us, especially towards John. Was he always a bit more awful to women? Now that I think about it, he didn’t talk that much with our wives. He focused on us four. What a scammer.

“I know that, but it does send shivers down my spine, y’know.”

“I’m just happy we had fun and we’re going home, Jules.”, ahh, fuck this man.

“Yeah, I’m happy too. Let’s go inside, Geo.”

“Yeah. Thanks for looking out for me… But please don’t do it as much anymore, Julia.”

“I’ll try not to. And… Perhaps, baby George is right about some things.”

I think some things are going to change in the Beatles and I hope for the better. The most important thing is that I have proven that I’m not a child anymore - I’m an adult who speaks his mind and deserves to be listened to. Perhaps, they will put more songs on the next album… Can’t wait to work with Ritch again…

Rest of Sacrifame

𝟏𝟗𝟔𝟗.

𝓢𝓴𝓲𝓹𝓹𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓟𝓻𝓪𝓬𝓽𝓲𝓬𝓮

𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎

Julia’s line of thought

I have overslept. Again. It feels like a chore to go to sessions. I never wanted to feel that way about it. I think I’m done with his bullcrap… He always talks about how we don’t try enough and that we should do this this way, or do that that way! Prissy bitch! I shut him down, but for what? For him to make a ruckus once again! I worsen the situation by being overly impulsive and mad, my anger issues have become unbearable. Yoko makes it better but it really drags me down… I have to find my bandages…

Not under the table where I usually put them… Fuck. No, I have to focus… Maybe they’re on the bed… No… What the hell is going on…

Not in the bathroom, nor the dirty laundry, nor the kitchen or living room! Oh, no… How am I going to go to practice?

Though I’m mad at McCartney, that doesn’t mean I could just fuck over Ritch and Geo. But would it really make a difference if I came as Julia for once? I know we had some rehearsals as the Beatles where I was meself but I really dunno. That was so long ago… Yoko has disappeared off to somewhere. That is by itself quite unusual. Maybe we had an argument or something, I can’t remember… I remember what I did yesterday but some parts were unbelievable and hazy because of the drugs. Anyway, I think there is no harm in going as me. I could dress up as Johnny without my bandages but I think I’m going to go all in. My main dresser hasn’t been open in god knows how long! So, um, what colour should I wear… Green is my favourite… Hm… This one is simple yet elegant - not really that a rocker needs to look elegant. We aren't going to make much progress today. I can feel it. 

Door is locked. Driver doesn’t need to know about Julia. Taxi called. Got in!

“Hello, where to?”

“Twickenham Studios.”

“Alright, miss…”, oh god, he is looking at me inquisitively. Though he could only be killing his boredom that way. Just smile, Lennon, smile.

It feels so nice to be out of the spotlight. No personal driver, no substances, no one! So fun.

“Miss, you look oddly familiar… I think I’ve seen you in magazines and newspapers… Aren’t you like a singer or something?”, ugh.

“Oh, I get that a lot. No, I work as a nurse.”

“Nurse, well, that’s odd… I could’ve sworn I’ve seen you…”

Please, not today, not today.

“Sorry I asked that. We should be arriving at Twickenham real soon, so prepare the amount as it’s written on the little list.”

Twickenham, Twickenham! Oh. Here it is. Fine, I’ll give him that amount. Maybe even… No, Lennon, that would be awfully stupid of you! You had to lie… You don’t need to own up to it. Though it would be silly. Imagine I give him a simple autograph from John Lennon himself and he concludes it’s me! Funny, but if we were real for a moment, he wouldn’t have a clue if it’s real and maybe wouldn’t even find it. I’ll plant it somewhere. Maybe make two, one for the driver, one for the guest. Or more if someone really checks well. Hahah!

Twickenham Studios. Welp, I’m here. Very, very late. I hope the lads have made some progress.

“Goodbye, sir, and thank you for your service.”

“You paid me Miss.”

I must be smiling so wide. Miss. I missed being called a Miss. Still, I need to get to the studio, and oh lord, there are so many Beatlemaniacs at the entrance waiting to come in. I feel sorry for John fans because they won’t see him today. Let me through!

“Do you have any sort of clearance, Miss? We cannot just let anyone in.”

“Don’t you “Miss” me!”, oh, god, I have used my John voice in front of about a dozen people.

“I ask you again, what is your reason to go inside? And I do not take “seeing the Beatles live” as a valid reason.”

Well, as you see, I am a Beatle. Yeah, you know, the one that is quite late and should be getting to her lads who are hard at work-who am I kidding, they’re panicking because I’m still not there. You know, John Lennon?

“I’m really sorry… But…”, should I try that or… Is there a backdoor? No, I don’t think so. Even if there was, it’s smarter to be clear with the guards.

“I need to see my twin brother John for a private reason. If you don’t believe me, ask the other Beatles, they could vouch for me, I know them quite well. Name’s Julia Victoria Lennon.”

The guard looked over at me.

“Well, I do see the resemblance, but I still have to check with the others. I’ll be back.”

I’m in deep trouble with McCartney today, aren’t I?

It feels like centuries are passing by? A lot of girlies went home by now. Where is that guard? I’ll check out what the remaining weird Beatlemaniacs like to do and tell the lads if it’s funny.

“Who are you here for? I’m for George.”

“I’m for Paul, obviously he is the most handsome.”

“I’m for Ringo, he is so silly.”

“I agree with the most handsome part. Um, I'm here for a different reason.”, smile.

“Oh… Still, sad John’s missing all morning.”, the George girl told me.

“All morning! He f-messed up so bad.”, is this good acting?

“Yeah, I hate it when he makes Paul mad.”, the McCartney girl said.

“McCartney is mad. Oh, there is going to be so much drama.”, why am I talking?

“I think they’re going to work it out for sure.”, Ritchie girl, you are so cute.

“Yeah… yeah.”

The guard walked out and the girls rushed by my side.

“They confirmed it. I’ll show you the way to their practice room. Mr. Lennon is still not here.”

“Aww, well, show me the way and I’ll follow!”

The girls were starry eyed.

“How is she getting in?” 

“Haven’t you heard the theory that John has a twin sister? It’s true. That’s so fab!”

“Can you get us in?”

Oh fuck. Of course they scream. My poor ears. I already have bad eyesight. I don’t need poor hearing as well.

“No need to show the way, sir, I’ll do it.”, McCartney the Prick shows up at last, “And girls you can’t go in, just esteemed guests such as uninvited Julia Victoria Lennon could come in.”

The girls sighed. McCartney was fuming under that smile of his.

Close the door. Turn around. And I think I’m going to get yelled at right about now!

“JULIA VICTORIA LENNON! How did you get this late to the studio! And why aren’t you here as John? We have made absolutely ZERO progress without you, Jules! Ugh!”

“Can I enter a room without you fighting with me or do I have to dream of it? For that matter, how come you didn’t get inspired? Were you too lazy? Huh, JAMES PAUL MCCARTNEY?”

Geo and Rings are tuning their instruments. They look tired. I’m happy they’re smiling. Weak smile from me to them. 

“Wait a second, lads, where are the wives? And George Martin?”

“In the lunchroom! Hello, Julia!”, George, stop running towards me, you’ll trip on a cable.

FUH. The others were far away to hear this conversation. But they would be coming back. 

Sigh. “Thank God, they aren’t here yet.”

Aww, Geo, no need for hugs. Ritch too? Looks like they missed their sis Jules a lot.

“Hi.”, Ritch…

Where’s my chair? Oh, there it is. This screw like this, that one like that and voila! Tuned guitar!

“That is quite a nice dress… It compliments your eyes…”, McCartney hadn’t complimented me in a while based on my physical appearance.

“Thank you… Paul.”

Of course he blushes, of course. Does he miss his Julia? What am I thinking? No, he doesn’t.

“Then lads and… birdies.”, McCartney started the session.

“I’m a lad too, you git!”

“Lads! Let’s run through the program again.”

“One, two, three, four!”

Sing, play, fuck up the rhythm, fuck up the harmony, then be a genius and get it even better. I hear footsteps! Stop playing! I got off the chair and left my guitar.

The birds are here. Glynnis is with them. Wait, Glynnis is with them! OH SHIT!

“John came?”

“No, I’m his twin sister, Julia.”, fuck we were filming!

“Is this a joke or no, you are female.”

“I know my brother is such a comedian! Um, where is he?

“I think he won’t be coming today… He is too late and the footage is already taken.”, aww, Glynnis is sad. Thank goodness I didn’t get caught.

Paul, stop panicking. Geo is going to fuck up his eye and Ringo is smiling too wide and fake to my liking.

“But I’m sure I heard John’s voice.”, Glynn, don’t think about it.

“You are John’s sister! Pleasure to meet you! My name is Maureen.”, this is not going to end well.

“Hullo.”, I did my traditional John greeting.

“Hi, my name is Linda.”, oh, Linda… A nice woman. No wonder why Paul decided to be with her. Reminds me of a certain best friend I haven’t seen in a while…

“Great to see you, Julia!”

“Oh, Pattie, I’m glad to see you too!”, aww a hug.

“Well, what has John done this time?”, Pattie… Why?

“John and I need to talk about Aunt Mimi and private things so I can’t tell you.”

“Oh, oh, that’s fine.”, Linda the assurer, “No need if it’s a touchy subject.”

“Thanks.”, a wide smile.

“You remind me of him.”, Maureen thought, “No wonder you are twins when you both look and act so aloof. Though, you have impeccable style, Julia.”

“I know.”, ha. I feel so pretty.

“So, let’s sit over there while the men play.”, Linda, guide us. 

“Oh, great Linda, show me the way.”, what a joke.

She chuckled.

“Weird… I like it! Well, my little follower, we have arrived to the chairs of nevermore! Once you sit down, there is a high chance you’ll spend the next five hours sitting down on them.”

“Rest my weary bones.”, another joke from the master herself.

They all laughed.

I forgot what girl gossip was like- Wait, I can talk about my favourite topic. Are there any mags on the table? Yeahh! Great, let me just open it and ask the girlies.

“Who is your favourite actor?”

“GAH, very hard!”, Maureen is practically squeaking, “I like… Cary Grant..”

“I like Tom Selleck, he is handsome.”, Pattie outright admitted. Cool.

“Hm… Tough, but I would say, hm, hm, Tony Curtis.”, good pick Linda.

“I love James Dean. He is beautiful and inspirational…”, best answer.

I am already having fun. I never thought I’d miss mindless traditional girl topics and here I am. Ahhh, this feeling is so nostalgic. 

“Julia, where do you get your dresses from?”, Maureen asked.

“Hm, it really depends. Some are from Liddypool and some are from here. This one for example is from boutiques. I think this one is from “Biba”. “

“You have to introduce me to all of them, I’m a fish out of water here… Tough being an American in England.”

“Oy, Linda, don’t worry. You fit right in. But if you want some gear clothing, I can show ya!”, silly Linda.

“If you want a great place for shoes I would recommend Saxon’s. A little bit expensive, but fashionable.”, Pattie is right.

“Is money really a problem for us?”

Haha, of course they chuckle. I feel like I could do this all day. Why are they looking at each other so weird?

“Julia, I hope this is alright with you, but we like to play a game where we try to guess when John will come and why he’s late.”, Pattie asked

Oh my God. Hahahahhahah.

“Alright! It’s funny, tell me what are your bets?”

“I think John will come in ten minutes. He overslept and got stuck in traffic.”, well Pattie is half right.

“I think John will come in half an hour. He was writing something at the flat and forgot about the rehearsal. John is aloof like that.”, Linda is off by a long shot, but that is a possibility that could happen.

“I think John will come in an hour, because he doesn’t care for rehearsals and is purposely avoiding the rest of the band. Ringo is suffering so much because of his shenanigans.”, Maureen is half right too. I don’t care as much for rehearsals as I used to but I wouldn’t abandon my friends because of boredom.

“What’s your bet?”

“He won’t come… If they told him about me, he wouldn't come.”, why am I sad? Why would I be sad? Why are the girls sad? Pattie understands, those two are confused.

“John and I are sometimes close and sometimes distant. Mostly distant. It’s not even because of fame, it's because of our different paths in life and how much we don’t agree with our world view… I think the only thing that connects us now is music.”, good thinking, me!

“That doesn’t mean he won’t come to talk to you… Maybe he wants to work things out?”, Linda is quite an empath.

“You are right, Linda, I should hope for the best outcome.”, smile. The girls are smiling too. I should let them get back to some lighter topic. What is this conversation in the other room?

“John should’ve already come!”, that’s Yoko for sure.

“He still isn’t here. Your husband is making us wait a long time for rehearsal.”, Glynn was correct. But John couldn’t come.

“That man is-I can’t believe it! Maybe he sleeps too long but he would never do this!”

“Well, obviously he did it. Look at the band. They are tired and miserable, they wouldn’t want that on footage. The staff feels the same. I feel like I am wasting my time, and I do not want to feel that way when I am doing a project with the Beatles.”

“That’s not important. What’s important is that he isn’t home… God knows where he is.”

Lads are on the brink of rolling their eyes at Yoko and pointing to me.

“Look, he made you come here and waste your time, the band’s, his sister’s, the wives’ and ours.”

“Say again?”, oh no.

“The band’s, his sister-”

“Oh, Julia. That’s unexpected.”, she is going to kill me.

“Yes, I never knew he had a twin sister.”

“He never found her that important. I’ll sit and wait there then, then I’ll go back to the flat and check if he’s back.”

“Thank you Mrs. Ono.”

She is coming this way. Don’t make a scene, don’t make a scene, don’t do anything.

“Hello.”

“Yoko, finally, is John with you?”, Pattie asked, “See, I was right that he would come in ten minutes!”

“No, John is not with me.”

“What a pity.”, I did not need to snark. Fuck, her eyes are full of anger and flames. Kind of hot if you ask me.

“Julia, we haven’t seen each other in person yet.”

“Yoko, nice to meet you.”

I am on the edge of bursting with laughter, I have literally said to my wife nice to meet you, ahhahah.

She isn’t in the same mood.

“If you want to talk with John and I’m sure you are here for that reason I could tell him later what you said.”

“No. No need for that with you. But there is a certain thing I want to discuss with you.”

We are getting heated. About to have another scolding lesson from my wife.

“Then everyone, we’ll be back soon.”, Yoko’s smile radiated her rage.

“See you later.”, Linda smiled blissfully ignorant.

“See ya.”, what a greeting Lennon.

We walked to the other room. Silly girls whispering: “I think she is best friends with John’s ex wife so she is surely going to discuss that with Yoko.” I miss Cynthia, she was the greatest. But John, John isn’t great for her anymore. John is a bad bad bad thing for women and only Yoko can handle him.

“Lennon, why are you here without one makeup, two bandages- And your glasses are John’s not Julia’s! For you it would only take one night of drinking to blow your cover!”, Yoko I know. A small pause.

“Sometimes you act like child.”

“I am child, dearest.”

She chuckled.

“Yeah, you are the most big, I mean biggest child I saw.”

“Love you too, Yoko.”

“How are they going to practice?”

“Should I just call them from a random phone and tell them that- OR NO!”

“What great idea do you have?”

“You go there and tell them that John told you he is not coming to practice.”

“Okay, John…”

“And when dusty old Glynnis goes away I can practice with the lads with no stupid cameras.”

“Not a bad idea, love!”, a small kiss on my cheek.

“Then go and execute the mission, commander.”

“Of course, general.”

That’s clear. I am going back to the main room.

“Have you cleared everything up?”, Pattie, don’t worry.

“Yeah, I’m glad that’s over with!”, sigh, smile.

“I knew that everything would be fine!”, Linda is cheery.

“Where is Yoko?”, Maureen questioned. Of course.

“I dunno, we both went back here…”, hahah excuses excuses.

Well, that wasn’t that long.

“John called!”, she is running towards the lads.

The rest of the Beatles look unamused. I think they’ve been waiting to make progress but they are one member short and that member is just in the other room. Glynn lit up.

“And?”

“He is not coming. He is feeling sick.”

“Well, he should recover and help us create a program for the concert!”, Paul, the greatest actor.

“Looks like Julia was right…”, Linda was saddened.

“Don’t worry, he’ll come to the next practice early I bet! Even though he is lazy he is responsible.”

“That isn’t a word I’d describe your brother with but alright.”, Maureen!

“That would mean that practice is over and the rest needs help packing.”, George Martin sighs. Don’t look over here, don’t look over here, don’t look- Well, too late. His eyes widened.

“Yes, you’re right.”, Glynn is packing. My plan is working. Glynn and the crew packed so fast and went so quick!

“Pattie, please go home, this wasted so much time!”, Geo has figured my plan out.

“You too, Maureen, it will be a long while till we pack.”

Linda is sad.

“Are you going to shoo me away too?”, did she ask Paul like that? I could never do that so softly like her…

“I don’t want to waste your time any further.”, Paul’s chuckles…

“I’ll be going too.”, Yoko…

“Tell him you have seen me, alright… And that I’m fine with you.”

“I know you’re fine with me… You are more than happy with me.”, Yoko, you genius.

“Bye, everyone.”, they all said in unison.

So many byes have been exchanged. The staff goes away. So, George Martin, the lads and I are left.

“John, you absolute idiot.”, George Martin why?

“I forgot where my bandages were.”

Don’t facepalm yourself, Paulie!

“Julia… You git! Made us practice without you for so long!”

“I was there.”

“You have to be at your guitar not with the birds!”, Geo was angry.

“If you are so excited for practice I’ll practice with you!”

“Yay, we are all here!”, Ringo, you cutie.

The real practice began. We made some progress! A few more songs. Ahh, I know Hazza’s look.

“Paul, we should run through one Harrisong.”

“Which one, Jules?”

“Which one, Geo?”

“Um, “I Me Mine.””

“Alright, boys, let’s do “I Me Mine” and finish with “Don’t Let Me Down”.”

“How fitting Julia, since you decided to come and be active in practice.”, gah! I can’t say Paul isn’t right.

“One, two, three, four-”

We sounded great! Geo was very happy he got permission to do the song. For “Don’t Let Me Down” it still needs work. I scramble the text a million times, and Paul’s harmony is just too much! Ritch is great on both of the songs. Hazza is great on mine but on his song, his guitar playing seems to falter when he sings. Macca is perfect at playing but his constant nagging can be noticed even in the songs. Gotta cut back.

“Got that on tape?”

“It’s not tape-worthy!”

“Paul. Stop being overbearing to everyone here!”

His eyes literally want to set me on fire.

“Lennon, it’s necessary to get the best results!”

“Well, McCartney, as Monroe said, nobody's perfect! So, we got to keep most of the takes! You never know…”

Oh, softened. Geo and Ritchie are sad. God, let’s just go home.

“Let’s get packing then boys-”

Ah, what are you doing, hey, no, we see each other every single day- You already hugged me today!

“Oh, what is happening?”

“Julia, we missed you so much!”, Geo, no.

“Can you be more active like today, please! Please!”, Ringo stop.

“Julia…”, Paul finally decides to hug me, “My Julia…”

“People, this is just for today. I’ll be sure not to mess up again, and I’ll come as John-”

“No, don’t be away! Please! Don’t go to some place where we can’t reach you!”, what is this man talking about? 

“Geo is right, we can’t reach John.”, Ritch is spilling bullshit-

“We are exactly the same person.”

“NO, YOU ARE NOT! John hates me!”

“And you still think I love you?”

Oh, Geo and Ritch didn’t know we had a fight. Fuck.

“Lads. I promise I’ll be more active. Even as John, who has a big ego.”

“Arrive on time please, that’s how I’ll see you care!”

“Macca, I promise.”

“Alright, Lenny.”, a bit too tight of a hug!

We have to pack. Well, I’ll hug ‘em a bit more.

“Lads, you stayed a whole hour after closing. We should get packing and get going before someone barges in.”, father Martin always on schedule.

“You heard him.”, good leading me, “Time to say goodbye for the night.”

Finally, I’m free. But I missed those long big hugs. So, let’s put the guitar in place, done! Purse… Still at the women’s part. Taken! Put on the jacket… 

“Anyone need any help?”, this is the last thing I need to do.

“No love!”, fine Macca.

“Yeah, no need, I’m all set.”, Rings too.

“No.”, Geo looks like he can’t get his things together but alright. But, he finished as fast as Paulie.

“George Martin, I promise I will check my costume parts before going to bed so as to not arrive as Julia again when we are filming, which I also forgot.”

Martin chuckled.

“I can count on that, Lennon.”

“Yeah. Lads, I’ll see ya tomorrow then, I should be calling a taxi now-”

“No, Julia, I’ll drive ya.”, of course.

“Well, Macca is drivin’ ya then. See ya two later.”, Geo, do not support him.

“And did I accept?”

“What’s the harm there, Jules? See ya.”, Ritch winked.

“I’ll be seeing you, The Beatles.”, Martin left, closing the studio.

Leaving me and prissy pants alone.

“Are you happy?”

“Yeah, I’m happy you are willing to talk to me like I’m a normal human being, not a rival.”

“Um, if you want to drive me home so much, I’ll allow it.”, do not blush. He isn’t worth your time anymore.

His car is close. He is quiet… Passenger seat! He has the key of his car but he isn’t starting the car yet.

“Julia…”

“Paul…”

A minute of silence.

“I…”

“You…”

“You see how much fun we had today… You brightened up our day as Julia. We missed you.”

“Already know that.”

“I missed you.”

“I know that too.”

“Julia! What I am saying is! You should retire John once and for all.”

“I’m not doing that.”

No. He did not say that-

“We’ll make up something for John. Love, I want you with me. Doesn’t have to be the Beatles, though I love that the most…”

“John is the Beatles… He is as much your songwriting partner as I am.”

“You’re right. We’ll break up the Beatles and make our own thing.”

“But you, you care about the Beatles!”

“Of course! They are my everything, but John, John hates me, he hates me so much it’s unbearable.”

“I don’t hate you as John.”, god why is he so sad, “And why would you want to retire a part of me! Then you don’t love me fully!”

“I love you both! It’s just- You are now so different as John it’s killing me… Ever since Yoko…”

“Yoko? No. She isn’t at fault. I am.”

“No, she is manipulative and money grabbing and she makes important decisions for you! She dragged you further into drugs!”

“You can’t say that about my wife!”

No, Paul don’t…

“You are still John aren’t you? Say that you hate me! Say it!”

No, no, Macca!

“Macca, I love you.”

A small kiss. A nothing kiss.

“I love you to the moon and back. If there is anyone that understands me, it’s you. And I understand your prissy ass quite well too.”

A small breezy chuckle.

“That’s the Paul I know.”

“I love you, Julia.”

“Let’s forget about this sobby part. I’ll try to be better, I swear.”

“Then let’s get you home, darling.”

“Wait, Paul… I’ll think about it. Alright?”

“Really?”

“I will. But don’t get your hopes up.”

Another chuckle. God, I love that man. I need to sleep. 

“Julia, wake up.”, smooth and silky, what a nice voice.

“Already here, aww.”

“Well, Jules, Johnny, see you tomorrow.”

“See you, pretty princess.”

Oh, oh! A kiss on the- I haven’t kissed him in so- Wait! Another one. And another one. And a couple more.

“I’m heading now.”

“I love you.”

“I adore you, Paul McCartney, I adore you. Remember that. Any bit of rivalry as John is because I want to be like you so organized, experimental and polite. Though, I don’t like leaning into it as much as you do! Bye.”

Oh god, he is crying. That is cute.

“I love you, my smart woman. I love you so much. Even though there is another, I love only-”

He drove away. Couldn’t hear the last part. But I guess he wants to say he loves me the most. Funny… What a nice day. Yoko is asleep. Get ready for sleep. Get in the bed. Close your eyes. Imagine… Imagine… Imagine everything goes well after you abandon John… No… That can’t be… That will never happen… Never… But it’s lovely to imagine…

Rest of Sacrifame

𝟏𝟗𝟕𝟑.

𝓗𝓸𝔀 𝓣𝓸 𝓣𝓪𝓶𝓮 𝓐 𝓢𝓽𝓻𝓪𝔂

𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎

May Pang’s Diary

I have new findings to write down! Today has been two months since I began working as Yoko Ono's secretary. Job was easy enough. Sort through schedules. Deal with callers. Write down important dates. 

Mrs. Ono would visit or call me and let me know everything that needed to be done that day. She is a very capable woman. The media was able to capture that part of her. That's why I like her. But something else caught my eye which made me want to work here.

A piece of work that was her world famous, macho, peace loving husband John Lennon. Mr. Lennon was, in fact, the first man I ever fell in love with. When I met him in person one time, we clicked. Or I clicked with him. He seemed to be too drawn up by drugs. Still, he left a big impact on me. Being that I only ever felt attraction to women, I was happy for once I liked a man. But I was ever so suspicious and began to doubt my feelings. After confirming I indeed felt an undying passion towards him, I began to study him more closely.

Mr. Lennon has an interesting character. He, as a man, behaves very stereotypically, even more so than others in public. Though he was always trying to be sustained.

Meanwhile, in the studio, he would be more relaxed and sensitive, and more true. And that was the man I fell in love with. Or perhaps not.

He was... More feminine. More delicate. More open and caring. More emotional. More everything. He was more. He wasn't a cynic and a great thinker like people described him. In there he was... Just not like other men. Not even close. A fighter, but considerate. Drugs made him lose his manners but that wasn't really Mr. Lennon anyway.

I wonder why Mrs. Ono insisted on doing drugs with him. She is running away from something and I think that something was her husband's true nature - the feminine and overlooked side of him.

So. I did a little digging. 

Turns out, USA's current most wanted musician doesn't have birth records. Never got made. No record in schools. No record anywhere. Records begin in 1961. when he married his first wife, Cynthia. ID was made only after the Beatles struck gold. 

Note said: "John had lost his original one, and we were more than happy to make him a new one."

It was suspicious from the very beginning.

I looked through and found out Mr. Lennon had a sister. She was drop dead gorgeous and I wanted to meet her immediately. She lived in Mr. Lennon's childhood home. I tracked it down. She was scheduled to return to it a few days after the pair finished recording Mr. Lennon's new album. I was reminded of a story Mrs. Ono told me about stalking her future husband and giggled. I went to the house at that time just to catch a glimpse of her.

She was... Everything. She looked just like her younger brother but more mature and stoic. More... Just a sight to behold. My heart beat fast... But knowing her from Mr. Lennon's explanations which were brief she was:

"A goodie two-shoes."

"Prissy."

"Much too emotional."

I love those kinds of people. And that kind of girl.

She walked towards the house with a wistful expression like Mr. Lennon usually does.

The beauty's name? Julia Victoria Lennon.

She, unlike her brother, has her documents in check. She is weirdly absent from Mr. Lennon's photos and vice versa. She too had a knack for rock music. Their mother was a rock enthusiast.

I wanted to ask her about her brother so I came closer.

"Miss, miss!", I called out.

Her gaze fluttered towards me and she dismissed me.

"What do you think of your brother?"

"John?", she thought hard, her voice striking me as practically the same as her brothers, just a bit more "Julia" song type than "Twist and Shout".

"I dunno, he is doing fine and I'm happy for him."

"And you?", I enjoyed her.

She felt entraced by my watchfullness.

"I... I'm alright, thanks. What's your name?", she asked. She looked like she knew me already and was putting on an act. God, those eyes are so pretty.

"May Pang, at your service.", I chuckled.

"Julia Victoria Lennon, I suppose you already knew that. Why did you bug me of all people? Me and John had a falling out. I haven't been in contact with him since he left Cyn."

"Oh. I wanted to get some more information about Mr. Lennon. I suppose I'm doing this in one part for his wife's needs, I'm her secretary."

Ms. Lennon's face scrunched up.

"Why couldn't she just ask him? He would've told her."

"He likes to lie, and you know that. You were close with him. But you don't have any pictures with him, why's that?"

Ms. Lennon looked into my soul and told me:

"John burned them infront of me."

"He... Was he that cruel to you?"

"I was cruel to him... We were cruel towards eachother. I never took him seriously enough."

"He shouldn't have burned them. You are pretty. Would be awful to lose more pictures of you."

Ms. Lennon blushed. Was she?

"I, thank you... I forgot what it felt like to be called pretty."

"Forgot? I thought men flew at your sight?"

Ms. Lennon chuckled like only a fair lady would.

"Not really, they don't have the time to see me."

She patted my shoulder and I was brave and took her hand and kissed it. Ms. Lennon acted like she didn't notice. She looked at me with a familiar glare and said:

"Thank you for your attention. You made my day special."

Those words were engraved into my mind.

When I came back from Liverpool, Mrs. Ono was sadder and more nervous than usual.

"How did he- How did sh- Fuck that, how did he know..."

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Ono, what's the schedule for today?"

She looked at me silently and gave me the papers. She was visibly more frustrated.

"Is it about Mr. Lennon?"

She nodded.

"What is it this time?"

"He found out that I was spying on him."

"Oh."

The mysterious Ms. Lennon lied to me. She told her brother about it.

"Now he is making a mess. I've lied to him too many times. What a hypocrite!"

"Yes.", I ordered the notes.

"Listen, May, he will come by today. If he sways, tell me. Because usually at these times he would get himself drunk. Try to hold him here as long as you can!"

"Yes ma’am.", then she left.

I worked on paperwork and calls until I heard a ring. I opened the door and who else but Mr. Lennon strolls in with a couple of vermouths? Why vermouth? That's a female drink.

I sat down with him. Oh god, he reminds me of his sister so much. She is like a goddess.

He drank a whole bottle of it on his own.

"Weak.", he mumbled half drunk, "Mayyyy!"

His voice was softer and fluffier. He is so...

No, I was imagining him as a woman all along! That's why I have a crush on him! He is... A man? Or...

His hair floated everywhere like Julia's. His smile was... So delicate. Everything about him seemed ladylike at that moment. 

And that's when I concluded.

There is no Mr. Lennon. There was no man to begin with. It was Ms. Lennon, the lovely lady with a yellow dress and a beautiful rose emblem.

It was obvious now why Ms. Ono hated to talk about her husband's sister. Ms. Ono fell in love with the masculine part. I fell in love with the feminine part. And I wanted those lips now. God...

"Julia.", I calmly whispered with utmost want, "How long are you going to pretend?"

And weirdly, the woman? played along.

"I dunno, till I die?", she laughed and kissed my hand making me blush and retreat. God, she is so cute and lovely.

I went back to my station and worked.

The next day, Mrs. Ono was relieved that her husband- or her partner- her spouse didn't cause any more problems.

"I'm so proud of him! I don't know how he kept himself together yesterday... May, May!"

"I'm sorry I was thinking about someone special."

"A man? Or... Hm, a woman?"

I got defocused and saw Lennon walk in.

"God. So divine. She is...", I mumbled.

"So it is a she.", Ms. Ono chuckled.

"Julia is so pretty.", I finished.

"You like... My husband's sister?", her face scrunched.

I chuckled.

"No, it's a different Julia."

She brightened up.

"Well then, I have a delicate matter for you to handle. Follow around my husband and see how rough his affair is. I won't explain it in detail, just bring me the letters that arrive in his other home... Alright? I will tell him he needs to sort out his paperwork and that you were sent for that reason. He has been meaning to that for a while, and hasn't gotten to it."

"Yes. You are the organized wife afterall."

Ms. Ono went on her way dragging her spouse to her and explaining that I needed to accompany him.

He was amused.

"Yoko, love, see you then. Miss Pang, right?"

"Miss-ter Lennon, what is the paperwork you need help with?", I almost made a mistake.

He chuckled.

"Follow me then. And John is just fine. Or Lennon if you are uncomfortable."

I smiled.

"Fine, Lennon."

He sped up his steps and I kept up with him like a dog. From the back I could only see Julia. He led me through the busy NYC streets. Nobody approached him today on this walk. We arrived at a building and he grandiously stopped me by putting a hand on my shoulder. Must've been defocused by his hair. God.

"We have arrived."

He took out his keys and opened the entrance door to the building. We went upstairs and entered his flat. It was... In utter chaos. Which was expected seeing his situation with Yoko. 

"This is... Where in this pile of paper is the stuff that needs to be sorted?", I asked.

"Hmm... Those are just songs, dear. The pile of paperwork that needs to be sorted is in the other room. You could look at those, seeing that my wife is currently on my tail in every single way. It doesn't really matter who sees them."

I took some papers. Half of them were crossed out songs. Some comments were like:

"It doesn't matter."

"Without Paul you're nothing."

"Not melodical enough."

"I'm repeating myself. Paul never repeats himself."

Paul. Paul. Paul. Was Lennon still obsessed with Mr. McCartney? That could be the reason why my boss wants to know what he’s been doing.

We went into the only clean room in the whole apartment. In it were two piles of documents.

"Please, sort out this hell for me.", he pointed towards the papers.

"Alright.", I began working. 

"I will try to clean the flat, your visit was a wake up call. What if Yoko walks in? She would be fucking livid."

I laughed. Lennon went to the living room and began cleaning.

I am fast and sorted the documents in no time at all. Now, I have to look through the dressers and find conspicuous items. I opened the small hidden compartment in the table. There were letters being exchanged between... Julia Lennon and Paul McCartney.

Hm... Why would they be in Lennon's posession?

I decided to take them. Maybe that was the affair my boss was reffering to. But I couldn't be sure. So I opened the dresser. In there, there were some unnamed letters. I took those instead, putting the ones I took first back to their place.

The dresser was filled with the most colorful and stylish dresses the eye could see. Lennon seems to have an eye for female fashion too. He was stylish for a man. Sometimes too much. So this is evidence of an affair! Except it isn't. Sitting there, freshly washed, was a checkered yellow dress with a rose emblem. It had puffy sleeves and a puffy skirt and it was Julia's. Why would Lennon have Julia's stuff? I even stopped being polite. God, her name. Her face, everything. I stole the dress. I did. I wanted to wake up everyday beside it. Lennon walked right in when I closed the dresser.

He lifted an eyebrow.

"Ms. Pang, I see you have done the sorting earlier than expected. I commend you on your swiftness.", he wove his words carefully, "Sometimes I ask myself why don't I get a share of you meself?"

"You could always ask for my services?"

He approached me. Intently. My heart skipped a beat.

"What are you doing?"

He placed his lips on my eyes. What the hell was he doing, and why was I enjoying it? Julia...

He-He-How did he-

"Making sure Yoko doesn't get a hold of this! Oh, love, you thought I would be so dumb to let you have the *very private and juicy* letters I exchange with... A person that you shouldn't know about or care about. Oh, I despise them."

"Your exchange with... Julia? Or no. That couldn't be true."

"Why not?", he smiled wide.

"Because...”, I was speechless.

"Exactly."

"You... Lennon, I'll find your weakness somehow."

"I know you will, you are capable."

"Why is your dresser full of your sister's dresses?", I asked.

"Why did you steal one of them then? Do you like it? If you asked me for permission I would've gladly let you have it."

He notices absolutely every detail.

"She... Wore this one when I met her."

"Oh.", he sighed, "You wanted to look as pretty as her?"

"No, it's not my size. I am... Could I even share this with you?"

This felt like a confession more than a sharing of facts. Lennon is Julia, this is the chance to prove it, based on his reaction.

He was amused by my behaviour. He was excited to learn what my intention was.

Wait... Was Lennon queer too? Why would he be with Mrs. Powell all those years? Or no? Was it an act to uphold some fame while playing around with the person he hates! This is too much.

"It should be right for you to know, because Ms. Ono knows too."

"Oh, so this is top secret.", he threw himself onto the armchair and spread his legs in expectation.

"I like women."

"What?", Lennon asked in pure disbelief, putting his glasses down.

I came closer to him.

"I like women. I like Julia."

"You what?", he was absolutely red. I thought he was angry, but he began touching his face and looked at his hands. I think he felt embarrassed and like he was caught in a stupid situation.

"You like... Julia?"

"The moment I saw her I realized I was in love with her. Not you."

"You liked me?"

"I like you?"

"You...", he was speechless.

"I want to see you again in this."

"Again?", he was stammering in confusion, "This can't be happening... This isn't... How it's supposed to go..."

"And how is it supposed to go, Julia?", I asked.

His mind didn't seem to notice that I changed the name.

"I... You were supposed to like John, not... Not Julia. Julia never got a confession. John only got those. No... She did get one. Only one. The most important."

"Paul?"

"My... Macca...", he mumbled and reset, "How the fuck do you like her?"

"Where is your mind?", I asked him or her.

"I asked you plain and simple."

"I ask you to dress in this. I like your wavy hair. I hate that you straighten it. I hate that you need to pretend. I hate that you put yourself up to this."

"What?", it was obvious there was no John Lennon anymore. 

"Dress in this. We're going to go do girl things."

"I can't do those... I'm… I’m out of practice-", she grabbed her hand.

"We are going whether you like it or not, Julia."

"I would ask you how you know, and I would then break your ribs, but for some reason I don't find the urge to do that."

"Stop pretending and let's go. Dress up."

Julia had gone to the bathroom and I heard squeals of excitement. She must've missed this.

After about half an hour she was back to the way I saw her in Liverpool. I could settle with only being friends with her. Wait, that meant! Julia and Paul have an affair!

"God, that was the affair all along.", I said.

Julia was confused and adorable and I couldn't let my boss know more about that. And... I think Julia is trying to change... Lennon is working on his image.

"Well, where do you want to go, Ms. Pang?", her voice stayed absolutely the same, except for the tone of speaking. Lennon was cocky, Julia was caring. 

"May is fine."

"May. Where are we going?"

"Hm, let's go to a shopping center!"

"I'll lead the way."

She was spewing bullcrap earlier. Men looked at her as much as women looked at her alter ego. No one approached us and we went shopping with no problems.

"May, which is your favourite store? I just love this one-or no, maybe this one is more up your alley? It’s fun and elegant like you!”

She chuckled.

“You know, you are pretty. Men look at you. Women are envious. Just see their reactions.”

She shrugged me off, “Thank you, but I don’t agree, missy.”

“And for the store. I like the choice. I want to buy something.”

“Yay!”, she excitedly dragged me inside.

“This formal section was made for you! Or no, maybe I got used to seeing you as my wi- I mean Yoko’s assistant. Gets confusing.”

She had a hunch for people’s taste.

“Yes.”

She stared at me carefully choosing the shirt and skirt that went together. I chose the navy skirt and white shirt and orange dots.

“Yeah it's a contrasting color scheme. Love it. Even better, you have orange pumps.”, she studied, “Let me just check the quality-”

I brushed her hand with intent. She carefully checked every seam.

“Try it on, and if it fits and looks nice on ya, I’ll buy it. You deserve it for figuring out little old me.”

How generous. I rushed to the dressing room and changed my clothes. I went out of the dressing rooms.

“That’s great! I am buying it.”, that made me blush.

“Thank you, Julia.” 

“And you can’t call John normally, tsk tsk.”, Julia scoffed, “Anytime.”

I changed and handed her the clothes so that she could pay. She paid with no problems. Maybe she was finally calm, Lennon always had a lot of trouble with payment, he would get either swarmed with complaints about his career or get a lot of discounts. Mrs. Ono would misuse the second.

“Where to next?”, I asked.

“I want to drink a nice cuppa and eat a tin of mint choc cookies.”

“Really?”

“Could we go to a park and do that?”

“Alright by me.”

We went back to Lennon’s house and took a box of her favourite cookies and made some piping hot black tea that went with it. We transferred it in some fancy metal cups. Very soon, we arrived at Central Park.

“Exactly why you should trust John to buy the most useless looking thing and for him to be absolutely right about you needing it someday!”, Julia talked about herself in the third person.

I felt a presence. 

“Cheers, May.”, she lifted her metal cup, “For smart women everywhere.”

“For us.”

I tried the dessert. No wonder it’s Julia’s favourite, it’s minty yet sweet like her alter ego and her. We talked some more. She told me how hard it is to spend so much time alone, because Yoko worked all the time and that she felt like a dead weight even though she wrote a whole bunch of stuff. She sang to me a couple of songs that she wrote during her solo career and the Beatles. She tore up when I requested Here, There and Everywhere.

“I don’t know if I could sing that one. Paul was better at that.”

“Is Mr. McCartney that important? You have a whole exchange between him and you! And it’s you as Julia!”

“Maybe he is! I dunno. He writes nice melodies. I'll give him that.”

“Wait, what I mean to say is… Paul is a great songwriter. He was the best partner I ever had.”

Is her brain that split?

“You don’t need a partner to feel whole. They just compliment you.”

She chuckled.

“May, you are really funny.”

She made a pause.

“But, you are right. I always forget that. Then I’ll sing it for ya.”

She sings well. So beautiful… It’s deep, because of years of pretending to be a man, but wispy. And the more she sang, she got better and fluffier tones making me feel so great.

“I like it.”

“Macca still sings it much better. But… Thank you.”

We began small talk. Julia would go into philosophy and weird facts. I’d pull her back or sometimes even engage in her topic… She is so engaging. Until we ate the entire tin. I have talked with her for too long. What if Mrs. Ono suspects something!

“I should head back to Mrs. Ono, she is most likely thinking about why I got held up at your place for so long.”

“Yes, you should. It was nice today, May.”

I blushed.

“Nice… I’m glad, Julia.”

She hugged me, oh my! 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!”, she kissed my shoulder.

“Alright. I’m going.”

“Bye, May!”

“Bye, Julia.”

I need to get back to my workstation and inform Mrs. Ono about her spouse’s documents and affairs. Well, no affairs. I went into the office.

“Good day, Mrs. Ono. The documents have been a hassle. I’ve checked about possible affairs and I have figured out that there was no physical evidence… Yet. Lennon is doing fine, he cleaned the apartment and is quite tired.”

“Tired enough to go on an escapade with his wife’s assistant? May, you lie well, and that’s why you are my secretary, but I figure you out anyway.”

My question was how did she know, but I kept quiet.

“You are asking yourself how? I saw you exit with Julia.”

Oh, so that was why I was uncomfortable for a moment in Central Park.

“You know too.”

“Of course! I get married to a liar?”

“So?”

“I know which Julia you were thinking about. Saw you leave the apartment. Followed you.”

“And.”

“Because of that irritating Paul McCartney always being on my husband's mind, I need you to do me a favor.”

“A favor? I’m your assistant, I can help you with anything.”

“I want you to be with my husband for a while. With John please. I need him to understand that there can be no affairs.”

“Oh… I can be with your wife, no problem. I already like Julia.”

I said something wrong.

“Wait, wait. No, not with Julia. Julia is completely unimportant.”

“But she is still-”

“No, she is a… Manifestation of John’s inability to give in to his ideas completely. No, she is the REASON McCartney keeps bugging John and me.”

“Okay… With your spouse?”

And she again sighed, but didn’t want to correct me any longer.

“Try to help John relax… He is on edge all the time because of her and McCartney. That affair needs to end.”

“Oh…”, but isn’t that against that smile’s wishes… I need to do my job. And this is in the description of my job.

“Alright.”

“Thank you, May.”

That’s the end of my findings. John Lennon is Julia Lennon. I am his partner. He is illegally with his wife. I will try to fix his problems as much as I can… Even though I respect Mrs. Ono very much and think she is quite smart, the thought of rejecting Julia is stupid. I will try to keep her intact. Maybe I am as blind as a bat like John is…

Rest of Sacrifame

𝟏𝟗𝟓𝟖.

𝓐𝓲𝓷’𝓽 𝓢𝓱𝓮 𝓢𝔀𝓮𝓮𝓽?

𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎

Notes of Cynthia Powell

A year ago I went to the Tavern as an adventure. I knew Julia let steam off in that way and hoped that this would have the same effect. I was about to enroll into college, which was a struggle on its own. Jules helped me convince my parents to try to finish art college. Julia always tells me that I am brave for doing that and that she is proud of me… Well, on the stage there was a new small band from Liverpool that was performing. I knew the band from people’s stories; they were practically the city’s little rascals. Best on drums, Sutcliffe on bass, Harrison on solo guitar, McCartney and Lennon on guitar. Julia’s twin was the leader, and that bloke was handsome. 

“And this one goes out to Ms. Prim in the back. Nice vermouth you got there!”, he noticed me.

It was love at first sight I thought. 

They sang “Ain’t She Sweet” and it was surprisingly a great cover. He has a shrill voice that suits this kind of rock. Fun movements. He is baaad, and really looks like a teddy boy. But what do I say, opposites attract. They played a bunch of songs and got ready to leave.

Some drunkards remained while the rest of my peers went home. This was my first time going alone to the Tavern, usually Julia would involuntarily pull me here. I wondered why she never wanted to bring me to the Silver Beatles’ practices?

The other members noticed I was left alone. They looked like they were picking on John. John was more than embarrassed, am I that…

He looked at me very softly. I assured myself and drummed up the courage to ask:

“Do you need any help with that?”

The others were suddenly too busy to answer, except that Paul looked at me with some kind of jealousy? I waved off that feeling.

“Not really.”, John began, “Let men do all the hard work, mon cherie, and go get some sleep. You got to look your best.”

He didn’t think I wasn’t good looking.

“You sure?”, I asked, fluttering my eyelashes.

John got a bit defensive all of a sudden, backing away.

“I’m sure…”

“Maybe he doesn’t like me afterall.”, I thought.

“But the way you could help is by coming by during our next gig here… I’ll find a way to let you know!”, he excitedly grabbed me by the hand.

I blushed. He let go just as quickly.

“Um, alright then!”, I chuckled.

“Yeah.”, he softened, “See you then, Ms. Prim.”

“Goodbye.”

He always liked preppy girls… Maybe that’s why earlier he and Jules got along so well, as Jules told me. Before they were split by their parents for some time…

The next day I saw him and he lightened up immediately. 

“Cyn-thia, or I mean Ms. Prim!”, he said, “I have found out the time for the gig, and it’s drumroll please, at 9pm at the Tavern. Don’t you dare miss it!”.

“Oh, you know my name? And I won’t.”, I chuckled.

“Of course, I’ve heard Jules call ya that.”, John elaborated, twitching. God, he wasn’t private at all.

“I’ll be sure to bring her by next time!”, I promised.

He lit up, “That would be nice.”

“Bye then!”, I smirked.

“Farewell, missy.”, he left saluting me on the way. 

I went to that gig and every next one I could catch. Sometimes I had a feeling he would look for me in the audience. I always felt kind of special in a way.

That’s when I realized I began to harbor feelings for that silly lad. He was brash and rude. I was blushing whenever he passed by, whenever he glanced at me. College was great, but it became even better when I saw him in the halls. He always borrowed his art equipment from others. Sometimes from me. I think it was obvious to everyone that I had a soft spot for John even Aunt Mimi. She looked at me with protective eyes, though I couldn’t understand why. She was always nice to me when I hung out with Julia… Why be so overprotective? So, yeah, everyone seemed to get the picture, except Jules. 

I was always anxious to talk about John with Jules, because they were a complicated pair of siblings. They were never seen together. The only one that ever saw them like that was their family. They would always be in a fight everytime I visited and Jules would always be angry at him for making another mess. At first I agreed with her but now, I started to think his little escapades weren’t that bad. I never brought up John as a topic. I was scared of what would happen. But what I didn’t expect was for her to bring up John a month after I had fallen for him.

“Um… John talked to me about um… Seeing you in his college… ”, she began, “And inviting you to his gigs…”

She was nervous and was twitching in the exact same way her twin would.

“Yes, and what? He has been nice, don't worry too much Jules!”

She got serious.

“He was nice? Well that’s refreshing. Or are you blinded by something else, Cyn?”

I got red.

“I know what you mean and I have to admit, however embarrassing this may be, I like your brother!”

Julia was absolutely furious.

“Jules, I’m sorry, but you of all people would understand why! He is stubborn, he is funny, he is amazingly creative and brave!”

Julia raised her eyebrow.

“He… He is dangerous. I don’t want you near him. End of story. I got too… Too careless… You got too close! He’ll break you! Like every girl he broke before you!”

“He had no girls, I asked his friends.”

Jules fixed her posture.

“I cannot fathom his stupidity! He lied to me! Why would you want to be with a liar!”

“So, what? You lie all the time! You lied to yourself that you wanted to finish medical school, but you wanted music all along!”

Julia got mad.

“I am NOT like my mother and brother. And never will be. I play my role. And you should play yours.”

Jules at that time didn’t even sound like herself.

“You should be happy you got into the thing you love. Life is unfair. Life is cruel. Life has its rules.”

“Jules. What are you talking about! You always want to come out of your shell! You helped me so much…”

“Go. Go and fucking pursue that fool.”

“I’m sorry, Julia.”

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Cynthia. He has a lot to hide.”

I exited her room and she snapped out of her delusion for a second, unsure of what to do.

“Cyn, I’m… Just… Think about it… Don’t get too close… You’ll get burned.”

“Julia…”, I looked at her and she was sobbing.

“Go… I need to be alone… I need to think of how to… How to…”

“Okay…”

Did she despise her brother that much? I was afraid. She was my closest friend and mostly right when she felt something was off. So… I tried to stay away. John was from then on, whenever I saw him, visibly mad for some reason. Maybe he found out about Julia’s whole ordeal. I noticed that he flirted with other girls too. I noticed he didn’t really look at women that much at all, more focused on keeping the band together than getting the girls. I noticed he got violent after a couple of drinks. That’s what she meant by mean and dangerous. But he was also overly kind to his bandmates. He was generous and hardworking, which was funny to say about John, because he had a nasty reputation. Though he was mad, for some reason, when he saw that I wasn’t looking, he would mutter something.

I decided to read his lips one of those times.

“It’s for the best.”

Why? Did he think the same as Julia? Did he hate himself as much as Julia hated him?

His hollow eyes would then shift to someone else and light up. He… Valued me. Was he mad at himself?

After three months of liking him and one hangout with Julia I decided to tell him everything. He was drunk after one of his gigs I came to uninvited. His band was packing but he decided to stay.

“Augh, could this day get any worse?”, he talked to the room.

“Um. Maybe it could get better?”, I joked.

“Cynthia… Ms. Prim. Haven’t seen ya in a while!”, he shrugged, tired and sloshed.

“You look absolutely hammered.”

“Thank you.”, he improptly bowed.

I had to chuckle.

“I’m sorry, Cyn… I’m sorry that…”, he took my hand again.

“Why are you sorry?”, I was confused.

He kissed it.

“This is a kiss of apology. Now tell me. Is anyone here?”

I looked around. “No.”

It looked like his mind was fighting. He was beating himself up because of something. So I used the chance to tell him.

“John… Listen, I know you are impulsive and sometimes even violent but I love you nontheless. I liked you for some time now.”

“I know!”

“So you were planning to reject me. That’s why you have avoided me.”

“Yeah. That’s the only thing. Nothing beside that.”

“Well, if you wanted to reject me, why not do it earlier?”

“Because… I dunno.”

“Why then give me such attention?”

“Because I wanted to be friends with ya, you prissy bird!”

I blushed.

“That would ruin everything. And maybe I should’ve told you. I couldn’t stay away. And I planned to because as John I should stay away from Julia’s friends so they-”

“Julia is behind this! Of course!”

“No, I didn’t mean it in that way-”

“Why does she hate you so much!”

John looked like he wanted to tell me something so badly but he couldn’t. His brain was telling him to shut up, but his emotions were overflowing.

“Cyn, stop.”

“Why does she always belittle you so much? Why is she jealous of you? Why do you hate yourself because of her?”

“Cyn, stop this nonsense. She doesn’t hate me. She can’t hate me that much. She can’t hate…”

He looked at his arms and chuckled.

“Cyn, hug me, please, I’m dying for hugs.”

His tone of speaking completely changed. I hugged him. I couldn’t help but feel close to him.

“Cyn… I’m sorry but I can’t ever love you back. Legally.”, he smirked, “I didn’t want to break your heart. I wanted to be friends with you as John as well without you knowing a thing.”

He booped my nose. Is he too drunk for this?

“Could you accompany me back home please, it’s been such a long night…”, he asked, “As my final request.”

“Are you going to kill yourself!”, I got scared.

“No, you git, I have to tell you something private.”, he chuckled.

“Alright.”

He couldn’t walk straight so I carried him to his house.

“Imagine John Lennon being carried by Ms. Prim to his house. A man that cannot help himself… Haha, pathetic excuse for one.”

“Don’t be like that, and why are you laughing so much!”

John got serious.

“Yeah I shouldn’t.”

“Of course!”

I dropped him off at his room, his messy bedroom with records all over the floor, but he said,

“This is the guest room. This is not my room!”

“What are you saying, John?”, I chuckled.

“Because, my room is… The one on the far left.”

“Your room is… Julia’s?”

“Yeah, mine!”

“And this one?”

“No one sleeps in here.”

He booped my nose once again.

I dropped him, confused.

“Alright, I’ll lead you to it if you are so lost!”

“God.”, I sighed. Julia, I’m not even feeling sorry that your room is about to be wrecked by a drunkard.

“Bed. I missed you. End this fucking nightmare.”, he rolled in the bed, leaving… Makeup stains?

“You wear… Makeup?”

John smiled.

“And what is wrong with that? I wear clothes too.”

“You classify it as…”

“Oh. Oh, she still hasn't… Cynthia. Do I need to get undressed for you to connect the dots?”

John what? HE NEEDS TO WHAT!

“I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING REJECTED HERE! NOT FUCKED TONIGHT!”

John facepalmed himself.

“Should’ve seen that one coming. NO! Cynthia, I am not inviting you to a bang session”, he felt proud of that joke, “but to help you figure out why Julia absolutely dislikes me.”

I was even more confused.

“So. Help me undress.”, he ordered, “The top first.”

“The top first.”, I helped him get the top off. Instead of a nude male torso I was met with nicely tied bandages.

“And what do you see?”

“Does she hit you?”

He bursted into laughter! The insolence!

“No, Cyn.”, he chuckled, “Let down the hair next.”

“Okay… Hair.”, I tried to get his quiff off. It was hard but I managed to untangle it. The amount of hair he had was unreal for a male. It was quite fluffy.

“John, you have such nice hair…”, I brushed it and found a set of bangs quite musty from all of the gel he used.

“You have bangs? I thought you didn’t…”, that was weird. He always told everyone he had a middle part. Not bangs.

“Well. Do you now understand?”

“She is jealous of your hair and she beats you up?”

“NO!”, he turned around, “She is…”, he twitched.

I fixed his bangs and I didn’t want to admit it.

“I guess the pants are next.”, I took them off and… No.

“John. No. I am too drunk. This is not happening.”

“Cyn. I’m sorry.”

“Jules?”

HE, no SHE weakly chuckled.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you the moment I noticed!”

“God, why must you make me suffer!”

“And this was the worst way to inform someone. Never doing that again.”

“Julia! I don’t know if I should be angry, or sad or happy! You are doing what you like the most! But you are not doing it as you!” 

“Cyn… I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know what to think.”

“Yeah, so I didn’t want to hurt you.”, Jules explained, “The point is John and I are the same person. You should find someone else to like.”

“Alright!”

“And keep this a secret, okay!”

“Okay!”, we agreed.

My biggest crush was my best friend all along! Just great! And she put me through this! But, I still couldn’t help myself from fawning over John. John as an idea was everything to me, and I expected to find him in every man I tried to like. It failed. Julia meanwhile shared with me some problems John had. She didn’t seem to hate him as much as she once told me. Maybe it was to keep up the lie.

John’s friends, as time passed on, all got themselves a bird. And that leads us to this year. I could hear them hush about them and try to pry John off by admitting he had one or trying to get John with someone. John would either make an absolute scene when he was set up or would politely reject the girl. It was truly based on how well Julia knew the girl. And every rejection was well deserved. I got jealous…

“What about Ms. Prim, John? You seemed to like her?”

John or, um, Jules blushed.

“No… She was just a friend.”

“Looks like we found her.”, Pete chuckled.

“Best. Shut up.”

He got quiet.

“Ms. Prim is prissy.”

“More like you are too prissy to make up your mind!”, Paul chuckled.

“Says the biggest princess.”, and that’s when I noticed John blush faintly and remembered.

Julia liked Paul. That means. John liked Paul. Does Paul know? Is that why he got jealous or…

I snuck away, and John noticed.

“Oh, running after the princess I see?”, Stu said.

“Prick.”

“Leave some room for us, Lennon.”

“You are a baby, Harrison, no birdies for you.”

Jules ran after me catching up.

“Are you fine?”, she asked.

“You still like Paul? Does he know?”

She got fired up.

“He and the lads ESPECIALLY can’t know! It’s hard enough that they are begging me to get a girl! How do I even explain to them that I don't like birds? I don’t.”

“Why don’t you tell them you like me? I’ll be your alibi.”

“You are a genius, Cyn!”, she grabbed me by my shoulders, “It will work! I respect you and that’s why it will be believable.”

I couldn’t help but blush.

“Jules… I wonder, what would it be like kissing a girl? And have you ever kissed one as John?”

She flushed a bright pink.

“No- How could you even- Of course you’d go there! Cynthiaaaa!”

I chuckled at her whining, that was Julia in there. She smiled like she thought of the most clever move.

“And for the first question, I don’t know? How about we change that?”

Fuck, I should do something, but I’m really curious. We are close friends. Nothing to worry about.

She pressed her lips on mine. Oh, hell yeah. And just pecked them.

“Answered your question?”

I was dumbfounded.

“Oh, fuck, oh, shit I went too far- But got ya back!”

Heh.

“Don’t get too cocky, Lennon.”

“Well, am I not John Lennon? I am the cockiest.”

“You are not.”, I tapped her on the shoulder, “But you are bold, Jules.”

“You like bold men. Always did.”

Yeah. That’s right.

“Right, we’ll act like this never happened.”

“Okay, alright by me, Ms. Prim.”

I think I can’t get over it.

“Did you kiss any men before me?”, Jules asked me dumbfounded.

“Yeah.”

But they never felt… true.

“I never kissed anyone before on the lips.”, I knew that Jules.

I knew that look.

“So you want me to rate it?”, I sighed.

“YEAH! That sounds fun!”, Jules got overly excited.

“God, Julia stop.”, I thought, “It would be aaaa solid 3 out of 5.”

“Not bad for a first!”

“Would’ve been perfect if it weren’t a peck though!”

“Oh, you really love to fuck with me, Cyn!”

Jules really doesn’t think some stuff through. She looked me straight in the eyes.

“Is it okay with you to, um, pretend with me?”, she got serious all of a sudden.

God, how could I say no to that face.

“Yeah, it’s like a fun adventure. And if it’ll help you for a few months I’ll do it.”

Her eyes lit up.

“Um… Alright, I’ll try and figure out a way to let them know!”, Jules smiled, “I just need to make sure they’re supportive of me.”

Julia…

“In the meantime, bienvenue mon cherie.”, Jules or John joked and left.

I heard his bandmates whisper about us. John fanned the rumors up by consistently writing me poems. Julia liked being extra and in John I noticed it more and more. The Beatles got closer to me and became a bit irritating to handle.

And that makes me think what did I just get myself into? Still, it’s harmless fun! And I get to be with John, didn’t I want to be with him? His songs… His voice… Her mind reflects in his actions… What could possibly go wrong?

Rest of Sacrifame

𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀

𝙈𝘼𝙄𝙉 𝙋𝙊𝙎𝙏

“To breach the road I sacrifice a form which holds no device. One day you’ll understand…” - John’s personal diary

Summary

An idea that spiraled out of control and became an act that went on for too long. From a mistake came about a twin tale. A story thought up by a girl who dreamed about making it in the rock world and who would do anything to keep her dream alive in a world that was unaccepting of her vision. Even if it meant pretending for years and years to be someone who she wasn’t. Create a “him” who could do anything and take anything for her. Though, was she ever really pretending or merely entertaining the fact she could be someone else and fully exploiting that position?

The story isn’t chronological and can be read in any order. It happens between 1956. and 1980.

The fanfic is already quite long, clocking in at 83 pages, and will only be longer. I will be uploading it in parts (three at a time) here on Tumblr on a weekly schedule (I will inform you in advance if I will be late next time).

Parts in order of release:

1958. Ain't She Sweet?

1973. How To Tame A Stray

1969. Skipping Practice

I updated with four because "The Scene Is Set!" and "Yearning For Their... Chemistry?" are shorter fics.

1968. Not A Little Kid Anymore

1964. The Scene Is Set!

1963. Yearning For Their... Chemistry?

1975. Go With The Flow

Lack of inspiration leads to late updates, sorry everyone.

1976. Washing The Pain Away

1959. The Fruitless Endeavour

1970. Sincere Condolences To Lennono