While Driving, I Thought About Commuting On A Big Ol' Beetle

I am at 69 posts and I am overjoyed at the humorous sexual implication. And, as with any joy, I wish to share it with the world; to scream it from the rooftops for all to hear. Thrilled, I rush to my keyboard to quickly type out a short joke. However, I am met with a dilemma: if I make a post about it, the source of my joy will be no more, as it will be my 70th post. But, if I don't make a post, no one will ever know that it even existed in the first place.

So I must choose: should I commemorate this beautiful moment and, by doing so, end it? Or should I preserve this moment forever, but never celebrate it? Which kind of death is more real? To die in public or live in secret?

I save the post as a draft and promise myself that I'll come back and choose. I come back but I don't choose. The post just grows longer and longer as I promise myself, again and again, that I'll make a choice next time. If I can just perfect it, if I can just string together a flawless sequence of words for my thoughts, then the correct choice will be obvious - then I won't need to live in this moment forever.

My therapist tells me this is a recurring thing for me: to be caught between wanting to live in yesterday and wanting to control tomorrow. I think I'm scared of change. I think I feel small. I think I'm scared of being alone. I think I feel small. I think I try to control the things I'm scared of. I think I feel small. I think I try to bottle and taxidermize joy instead of feeling it. I think I feel small. I think showing people my joy is a proxy for feeling it. I think I feel small. I think death scares me but I don’t know which kind scares me more.

On one hand, I wish I could live in the moment and celebrate today instead of trying to preserve it. I wish that I spent more time making decisions and less time deciding. Despite being obsessed with time, I rarely cherish or enjoy it. On the other hand, I wish I didn’t need to publicly celebrate my time. I wish I could just enjoy something without advertising my joy. I don’t feel comfortable feeling anything unless you see it.

Caught between two bad coping mechanisms for deeper fears ways to cheat death, I think the only good choice is to delete this post, to accept that a beautiful thing happened (past tense) and to love it for an unimportant moment by my unimportant self. I think the only good choice is to love and live myself, even if I can’t do either forever. But, if you are seeing this post, you already know what choice I made. And, if you aren’t seeing this post, then you never knew that I made a choice to begin with. To you, dear reader, this post exists in quantum superposition - live and dead, made and unmade - until you read it. Like Schrodinger's cat, I exist in the blur between yesterday and tomorrow; I only live or die when you look.

this morning im meditating on just how truly funny it is that alex went with making bill the obsessed one.

like ford was dedicated, he worshipped bill, but ford's devotion made sense. there was a logic and rationality to it and it had boundaries that were consistent and he followed. he worshipped bill for his knowledge and power, loved him for what they had in common and how they got along, left him when he learned of bill's true nature and intentions, and took it upon himself to make up for his mistake by turning that dedication from serving bill to killing bill. this is relatable and understandable.

but making your series main villain, someone immortal and with godlike powers and abilities and influence doggedly obsessed with just some nerd is like. really funny. girl go fuck a black hole, take a neutron star out for dinner, text back one of the eldritch gods on the edge of time. ford collects moths.

SLUFLER?

slufler 😭

you knock on my door and hear loud barking and scrambling noises and me yelling "no!! down boy!! down!!!" and then when i open the door there is a single crab on the floor

Bunch of my warhammer doodles, with Soul Grinder and Great Unclean One additions! I have a Kairos in the works and a Be'lakor XD Stickies on my Redbubble

nuh uh

magic is real btw

Typical evil wizard

aliens are real btw but i don’t really know what their deal is

delicious

SweetHoneyRose... Soo Honey and Rose...

What 2 bad I think...