Actually Audhd - Blog Posts

hey so 21-92% of autistic people who menstruate also have pmdd, and I think more people need to know of that (coming from an autistic transguy who also has pmdd, and had no idea of this until their then undiagnosed pmdd drove them to a breaking point)

doing all my homework in a few hour period that I was supposed to be working on over the past 3 weeks then letting myself engage in my hyperfixation as a little treat

Wow uh

Finally posting something to this godforsaken app.

Um.

Hi chat.

I’m honestly trying to create a friendly little corner of this hellsite so uh, yeah! If you’re queer, neurodiverse, disabled or odd in some way shape or form hit me up.

I don’t judge.

A bit about me, I’m almost 16 (in July, woohoo!), I’m intersex and queer, VERY neurodiverse, disabled, and a little weirdo. My special interest is Scooby Doo, I love horror media as a whole, and I love film/cinema.

Nice to officially meet you all.

My doctor and therapist: now with this autism + ADHD diagnosis you need to learn to unmask because masking all the time will make you burn out again and feel like shit

Other people: well it's just interesting how after getting the diagnosis you suddenly start behaving like that I mean I'm not saying you're faking it's just funny how you suddenly cannot be normal like you were before

my biological mother is a pathological liar - i became a pathological liar as a defense mechanism growing up in my house with my narcissistic adopted stepmother; now i just make up creative stories when someone i dont know makes me uncomfortable. i went to therapy, and learned some coping mechanisms so that its not something i do automatically anymore - but when i choose to lie no one can ever really tell the difference.

i will never lie to my partner or my true friends, i will absolutely lie to my family and the government, and honestly??

lying is also fucking funny dude like yes i said this no i didnt mean it wtf does it matter?? i just came up with that shit on the spot and u BELIEVED me?? sometimes its a little too easy.

can we talk about autistics who are compulsive/pathological liars

ME

WAIT, THIS IS ME. THIS IS MY LIFE.

For any fellow peoples of the autisim who find they have no one to info dump with, I'm here. I'll listen and respond and try to learn about what you, now we, find interesting. Dw if you think it'll be annoying or burdening, if I thought that then I wouldn't have asked; just let yourself talk and lemme hear all about that shit please

I think one blasting big sign that I was autistic was that I would spend hours watching those criminal psychology videos, memorising the right "innocent" facial expressions and body language. I was terrified of somehow being seen as guilty if I were to ever get questioned surrounding a crime.

Meanwhile I was 14, only had two friends and barely left the house except for school lol

Don't usually do this but does anyone has any useful advices how to deal with ADHD burnout while it's already happening? And not just how to prevent it.

Google shitty advices they're comically bad.

I guess useful information for nd people online will never be a thing unless you ask other neurodivergent ppl.

My phone isn't even aware that neurodivergent is a real word.

the real ones get it

Omg so relatable.

What I mean when I do not control the hyperfixation.

Man I love being both autistic and adhd at the same time. Can’t focus on just one thing I gotta collect all the hyperfixations like trading cards that I’m never gonna do anything with. It’s great lol

underrated stim: mouthing along to the words of a song as if you are having an argument with someone. works very well with i will survive, for example

you gotta get into character with the facial expressions and hand gestures. my bedroom wall is sick of me. anyway.

Omg omg omg. It all makes so much more sense when you realise it's not social anxiety but a fear of bring perceived.

Why do you feel more comfortable with a long coat and a mask as opposed to summer clothes?

Why do you DESPISE taking pictures? Especially if it's someone else and not you taking them.

Why do you feel like you have to stop doing whatever it was you were doing when someone passes by?

Why don't you want to tell anyone how leisurely you go about your day, taking a nap, going for a snack, sitting on your phone playing games etc. because you know they will comment on it and even though it's not negative or mockery it's still feels like you've been perceived?

Why can't you make eye contact? Why can you do it only if the other person is looking away but the second when they look at you you stop listening and when you're the one speaking you can't bear to look at them because you know their eyes are on you and they are perceiving you?

Why don't you want to dress excessively or wear nicer clothes? Because you will stand out

People mistake you for shy because you don't speak often, but it's really the fear of drawing attention to yourself more than it is the things you actually say, isn't it?

Why do you hate overpopulated areas even when no one is speaking? BUT you still feel more comfortable when more than one person is in the room (but not too many!) so that the burden of being perceived is directed on someone else and you can safely lay back just observing the scene.

It's all a defence mechanism

THISSS like hello not all autistic people are the same, not all autistic people despise being touched 🤷‍♀️ i fear thats common sense. my love language is physical touch btw 🤭

Shout-out to the autistics who crave hugs. Shout-out to the autistics whose love language is touch.

And shout-out to the autistics who were denied a timely diagnosis because a misinformed professional thought you were "too affectionate" to be autistic.

You aren't any less autistic because of how you show affection. And you aren't nearly as rare as pop culture and outdated research would imply.

it's called adhd paralysis hope this helps

not being productive or relaxing but a secret third thing

screenshot posts. idk the file name or size

when the autism is being an actual mental health problem instead of making me obsess over fictional characters again:

Does anyone else ever feel like their body parts are on wrong? I get this weird sensation sometimes that mine are, even though I can look at it and see it’s fine.

Right now, it’s my hips and pelvis. It just feels wrong.

Is this an autistic sensory thing?

I had apple slices and brie last night for dinner

Hyperfixation Food #48

Apple slices and smoked gouda cheese

Study mode activated. I have a 3-5 page paper to write for my forensic science class. I feel less stressed about this one than I did about last week’s. I’m also really proud of the gun I drew, especially since I’m nowhere near being an artist. Yay forensic science class!

My study buddy is here keeping me company. I’m on my second page and have taken my second Ritalin of the day to focus. I may drink more coffee later on to help focus my brain when the Ritalin wears off. ADHD is so much fun…

Sings I’m struggling:

My body feels heavy & tired

I find it hard to respond to messages

I feel like nothing I do is good enough

I can't motivate myself

I can't stop myself scrolling through social media

I have panic attacks

I spend more time by myself

Little things get to me

I find it hard to get up & ready in the mornings

My usual coping mechanisms don't help very much

I can't focus or still my thoughts

Things become disorganised & untidy

I doubt myself

Source

Mental Health

An ADHD Morning

I set seven alarms so I don't oversleep. I couldn't sleep last night because I was researching ancient Rome on Wikipedia until 2am so I am bleary tired. My coffee maker is moldy from last week's brew and I don't even consider cleaning it, I just know that I won't be having coffee this morning.

I forgot to shower the night before, but now I don't have enough time to do it this morning, I got up too late. I use dry shampoo and hope my hair doesn't look greasy (it does). I scrape it into a messy pony tail that will give me a migraine but it's the only way it looks acceptable. I hear my mother's voice in my head "that's how you're wearing your hair today?" My finger nails are stumps of dried blood because I picked at them all night. The inside of my lip is swollen and bleeding because I couldn't stop chewing on it, thinking about how I could ruin today. My eyebrows need to be plucked. My face is covered in acne because I never remember to take my makeup off before I fall asleep.

My bedroom is a sea of clothes, piled high to obscure the wooden floors. One hamper has some clean clothes in it, I know, but I have forgotten which one. My ironing board is under the piles somewhere, but it's broken, so I'll have to try to use the anti-wrinkle spray on the sweater I fish off the floor and hope it looks okay. It's already been forty minutes, how has the time passed this way? I will be late now, no hope of arriving on time. My sweater is covered in cat hair. Where is the lint roller? I look through the piles and can't find it. I spend ten minutes looking for tape to make a make-shift lint roller and it doesn't really work.

My dresser is filled with empty makeup tubes, used makeup wipes, glasses wipes, and used lint roller sheets. I pick out the products I use and quickly do my makeup on my unclean skin.

Purse. I need my purse. Which purse did I use last? Which has my wallet in it? I walk past the piles on the floor of my apartment, past the dirty dishes, past the mound of art supplies on my desk. I find my purse on the floor under my desk. Okay.

Socks? I need socks. My socks might show when I sit down in these too-tight too-short pants. I have to find matching ones. Clean ones? No, that's too much of a reach. I must just find matching ones. I search, digging through the floor piles. I find two that do not match, but are the same color. Good enough.

Fifteen minutes late. My cat chirps as he brushes against my leg. Oh! My little friend! He's so cute and sweet. My sister loves to get pictures of him, so I'll take one for her. Look up here, Blue! So cute. I should really update the instagram I made for him, I've met so many people who have the same type of cat. I should edit some photos of him today to post. He makes me so happy. I feel so lucky I get to have a cat and such a sweet, loving one like Blue. How many people get to have such a great pet? I'm so thankful for him, and I tell him so while I scratch his face the way that makes him purr.

I text my sister the picture. She tells me to have a good day. I try to find a cute GIF to send her to tell her to have a good day too. Here's one with Snoopy. She'll like that.

I also need to feed Blue. There are a dozen empty, smelly cans on the counter of cat food, but I pick a new one out of the box they were shipped in and put it in his dish with a random measuring spoon because all my other silverware is dirty.

Bag. I need to pack a bag. Laptop, keys, tissues, pens, notebook, headphones, charging cable for my phone. Is that everything? And my wallet, of course! Aha. That would be bad if I forgot that.

My shoes are dirty and scuffed but I don't have time to fix them. What kind of coat? I don't check the weather. I pick out a thin yellow one that I like. I've always liked bright colors. This will cheer me up to wear it. Bag, coat, keys, phone...where is my phone?

I have headphones on, listening to a YouTube video on two times speed, but I don't know where my phone is. I don't have time for this! But I can't leave without my phone.

It's deep in the covers of my bed. I don't remember putting it there between sending the GIF to my sister and now, but no matter. I found it.

It's twenty degrees and raining. I have no umbrella and my spring coat is incredibly inappropriate for the weather.

I've left my car on the street for a few days in an area that is only for 3-hour parking. The parking tickets are stacked on the windshield. I owe the city about $400 in parking tickets and I keep getting letters from the police that they'll boot my car if I don't pay. I messed up the days on my budget spreadsheet, so I won't be able to pay them for another month.

I have no gas. I check the miles my car estimates I can go with the amount left and compare it to what my GPS says. Just enough. Maybe. It'll be okay. I can't get gas now.

I forgot to brush my teeth. I forgot my laptop charging cable. I forgot to take my medication, and I forgot to bring my medication with me to take my second dose. When I finally arrive at my destination, I don't remember that my debit card fell between the seat in my car yesterday while getting coffee at the drive-thru. So I leave without it. I also forgot to put deodorant on.

I wonder what my coworkers would think of me if they knew about my messy apartment, my poor hygiene, my lack of planning skills. Will they notice my teeth aren't brushed? Do I have any gum, mints, anything?

My coworker sees me come in late with in an oddly-fitting outfit and messy hair, but I greet them happily when I come in. They say that everyone forgets things sometimes and lends me their laptop charger. I'll forget to return it, but they don't know that yet. They don't know about my kitchen or my bedroom or my clothes or my unwashed face or my parking tickets. They don't know that without my medication I will be useless for the entire day and get nothing done, making more work for them.

I'm an excellent actress. I pretend to be like everyone else, and somehow I pass the test every time. I'm a shy, kind, young woman - they would never suspect there is a moldy box of forgotten take out food in my backseat that I'll discover in a few days. People socialized as female are expected to be neat, organized, in control. They don't even consider that I might not be those things.

"What did you bring for the potluck today?" my coworker asks.

The ingredients I bought for the dish I signed up to make are rotting in my fridge, forgotten as soon as I put them there after shopping two weeks ago. I didn't think to buy them closer to today. I also didn't think to put the pot luck on my calendar.

I make up an elaborate story about how my boyfriend needed to be picked up from a far-away job site last night. She believes me and I feel I don't deserve it.

I wish I wasn't a good actress.

The writing process seems counterintuitive to me. It makes more sense to start writing, then edit to make things fit. College teaches you that you should plan and do the opposite, organize first then write.

Is there a writing process that better fits neurodivergent brains? College makes me feel broken sometimes.

Yesterday I was supposed to meet with my case manager, since we’ve never met. I had the address and even confirmed in the morning it wasn’t a Telehealth visit, like the additiona automated call I received the day before said it was. I arrived early and waited in the office. And waited. And waited.

Then I received a message from my wife saying that the case manager was at our house. She never said it was in home. I couldn’t handle anything else after that call.

I cried so much. I never ended up meeting her because I was 25 minutes away from home.

We will eventually reschedule.

Why is life so challenging?

Hello everyone,

I thought I would share this cute comic about neurodivergence I found on Facebook. As always, the link will be below.

Link to Post

Neurodivergence

As a ND person, I hate having to take communications courses in college. It reaffirms that NT people are confusing AF.

Link to Tweet

I can’t tell you how accurate this is…

Autism

ADHD

I’m having a very emotional day. My business communications class is triggering a lot of old memories from when I was working at two different companies. I know I did what I could with the knowledge and tools I had at that point in my life, but the memories still hurt.

Not knowing I was autistic and how that impacted everything in my life was a huge factor. Not being properly medicated for ADHD and feeling like I was the only person who didn’t have my shit together practically killed me. I still have PTSD from comments I saw and heard others say about me. About being gaslit by my manager. About being so overwhelmed that I am still dealing with burnout.

It doesn’t help that I’m not in therapy right now. My case worker is pushing to try to find me a therapist but the system is so overloaded and there just aren’t enough people to go along without burning out the therapists.

On top of all that, my assignment this week in my business communications class is to talk about my chosen field and how communication has changed. Except I don’t have a chosen field. I’m struggling to figure out what it is and if I can actually work. I’m in crisis every day about it. Being disabled but “not disabled enough” is taking its toll right now. I’m not okay. I’m hopeful things will get better but that’s where I am.