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My new nike Son-Of-Force shoes. Obsessed 😩 BTW – I bought them only *for 41 dollars* on sale at an outlet store. Just saying 💁🏽 Money can’t buy sense of style
And into the forest I go to lose my mind & find my soul.
See you soon 🤗
Varanasi, the spiritual capital of India & the land of salvation. It is believed to be the oldest living city in the world.
See you soon 🤗
I woke up today
I woke up today hoping it’d be much better, but the war in my head brought me back down. The rain poured down and my heart started to ache. I picked up a pen and wrote until I cried myself to sleep.
My eyes grow weary of the salt that burn them every night, of the thoughts that are branded into the depths of my brain, of how unworthy I am of just being.
I dreamt of drifting away until I could no longer feel my feet, until my thoughts were filled with raindrops that cleaned away the ash.
I had hoped again, today would be different. and maybe tomorrow my hopes will come true.
I let it slide
I let it slide because I know you’re going through a lot. I let it slide because I assume you’re having a bad day. I let you say sorry without hesitation because I miss you on days when I get lonely. I let it slide because I’ve known you. You, who drops everything just to be by their side. I let it slide because it really wasn’t that serious. I let it slide and let myself cry in the shower sitting in the bathtub wishing I didn’t let it get to me. I let it slide and cried myself to sleep hoping tomorrow I’d get over it. And again and again I’ll let it slide, because I’m just the girl who’s expected to take it all in. time and time again.
I wish I was loved
I wish I was loved, unconditionally. through days when my energy sucks up a room with my blank eyes. through moments when I’m too scared to speak up for myself. through times when I want to speak my mind and instead keep quiet because I’m scared of being alone. through thoughts of wanting to run falling off a cliff when I can’t take it anymore. through my soft voice screaming to be heard when the winds push me off my feet.
I want to— love myself unconditionally. through days where i want to give up and yell at myself to do better, be better. I wish, I loved, unconditionally.
I miss you like
I miss you like the moon misses the waves of the shore, lingering to bring it closer to its halo.
But you miss me like a shooting star in the sky on the brightest night in the city.
I’ve missed you like a dwarf planet yearning to be pulled back in its sun’s orbit.
But you miss me like a summer breeze on the hottest day in July.
It’s not the same, and it may never be. It’s never enough, and I blame myself for it. I hate myself most for longing to be missed by you like winter’s first snowfall.
Everyday
Today my mom asked me why I haven’t eaten all day. This cycle goes on everyday.
Today my dad asked me why I didn’t want to eat all day. This question gets asked everyday.
Today my sister knocked on my door, dragged me out of bed, and asked me why I haven’t moved all day. This happens everyday.
Maybe I’m broken. No, I know the choices I made have been decided.
Maybe I’m frozen. No, I know the world is still moving on without me.
I don’t eat because I want to be pretty. The answer is simple really— I sit in my room staring at my wall because I simply don’t want to exist anymore. And some part of me hopes that one less meal means one less day of my life. I linger for just one day where I don't feel terrible anymore.
I don’t move because I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t say anything because I’m afraid of being a bother. I see the way people ignore my eyes, see my smile and think, "oh they’re fine." I hear the way people are afraid to ask how I’m doing. I hear the way they fumble their words of reassurance. I can see their schedules filled with plans that don’t include me. Or maybe— it's all in my head again & people don't hate me, I do.
So here I sit, staring at the wall, hoping that maybe tomorrow isn’t like everyday.
A thank you letter to my sisters
Today you knocked on my door, and dragged me out of bed. You placed my cat in my arms, hoping I’d feel comfort instead of dread. It helped, for awhile, until you made me breakfast and coffee past noon. I yawned and cried, and you held my hand as I sobbed.
I gave you knives, scissors, & tweezers to place away for awhile. Telling you I can’t see them or I’ll harm myself & be hostile.
We’ve have our moments, and for them I am sorry. But I know if I fall I’ll always have my sister to catch me & carry.
Sisterhood is sacred, honest, & true. And forever may I be grateful of being blessed by you.
When I fainted, you placed me in bath water, & picked up my frail body off the floor. Heartbroken that the path towards healing was one that would feel evermore.
I remember when we were little and you would cover my ears with headphones, the vinyls playing loudly to fade out the screaming outside our doors. Playing games with me in the middle of the night while our parents roamed the streets looking for our missing brother. When I would get nightmares and you would share your half of the bed. When we had a fridge more than half empty and you would half a raw ramen and we would bite into them as they tasted like lead. When we would hide in the closet as they screamed at us to behave or they’d knock us out dead. When you reminded me to hold my pride as men would prey on me, praying we’d seek our revenge. When you handed me my favorite trinket as the ambulance took me away, holding my hand, & telling me I’ll be okay.
Many times have I failed finding sisterhood in others— and never does it touch the same. The lack of compassion is jarring, nothing can compare, or even aim.
There are too many who do not understand, the beauty of sisterhood & the chaos in its wonderland.
For my sisters I am grateful. Forever & ever.
May I try to live another day, just for my sisters.
I walk underneath your shadow
no matter where I walk it's under your shadow. right beneath yours, intertwined. I don't know whether to be grateful or not. whether or not it's something I need. but on days where I need your shadow to keep me away from the sun, you walk a little farther, never there when I need it most. these days it seems that through distance, as you walk each step a little faster and farther, I can no longer feel your warmth. and your shadow has been making me feel colder. so maybe it's time to just stop moving and let your shadow walk alone. because I think I'm ready for this shadow to finally be my own.
I wish I lit up the rooms I walked into,
I wish I lit up the rooms I walked into, but instead it feels as if I walk with a great cloud daunting over me. And every room instead fills with water, people feeling the weight of the cold on their ankles, feeling the crisp rain pouring on their skin, hair wet, & palms sweat with nerves. So they leave, because why stay near someone who makes a room so somber?
I have a soft voice, softer than petals falling in the wind. A voice that gets even dimmer when I feel like my last spark has been washed out by the rain, and silence reins in. I have a laugh that often gets called undesirable and unattractive. So I laugh quietly under my breath. I have big black eyes that stay puffy from the salty tears that hung them open the night prior. I have soft freckles under eye bags that are often forgotten, brown eyes and brown hair that are easily mistaken for any other softly green under-toned tanned girl. I have hair long enough to cover elbows that often get called terrifying by outsiders. I have bones that show through the seams of my dresses. I have wrists that often get measured by the fingertips of strangers.
I wish my voice was like thunder, striking a room like lightning. Unforgettable, strong, and beautiful. I wish my laugh was sweet like the summer, honest, acidic, tasteful, addicting and loud. I wish I had the courage to repeat myself when I haven’t been heard instead of shutting down. I wish I wouldn’t get mistaken for any other girl. I wish my eyes weren’t burnt from all the salt that they’ve cried. I wish my arms weren’t so tiny. I wish I stopped comparing myself to everyone.
But overall. I wish I was kinder to myself, and then maybe— just maybe, I’d be able to light up the room in which I’m the only one in it.
I write letters that never get written back.
I write letters that never get written back. I send love that is never received. I say thank you to those that don't appreciate it. I say things that don’t mean as much to the person they’re said to. I run when things get hard. I’m quiet when I feel out of place. I roll my eyes when I’m too scared to speak my truth. Maybe it’s time to burn those letters. Leave those rooms. Speak with my chest. Run into the fire and face everything head on. But here I stand. Quiet. Alone. In my own head as it’s always been.
I have an issue with facing things head on
I have an issue with facing things head on, with sitting down and telling myself… okay this is what you do. I used to be good at it. I used to be the one people would go to when they needed a whole spreadsheet on what to do, on what classes to take, on what goals to set up for themselves. But something about UCLA drained me, even if it was just two years. It sucked what soul I had left. It stole my youthful energy, my aspirations of who I wanted to be, of my hope, my dreams, and most definitely my spirit. I thrived there, yes I did, but at the cost of my sanity. Everyday I walked those halls I could feel the pressure crippling me down to my core. My feet crumbling beneath me and my sense of self slowly being overshadowed by the ideals of an institution overthrown with wh!te supremacy. Unfortunately, it led me to the darkest pits I could feel in my bones. I wanted to fade away and never exist. Maybe it was my fault, a young girl moving to the big city in hopes of finally being free. Maybe it was all my fault that I never paced myself. Maybe it truly was all my fault, after the world shut down for a couple years I finally saw hope to escape, hope that masqueraded underneath a veil of thief. I won’t be ungrateful for being able to experience what I have, meet some amazing brilliant minds, but also I won’t be ever truly so blind to say this place didn’t leave me with the most of scars. Or maybe, this place exposed the scars that I thought I had already healed from. “I wish I did this differently, I wish I did that differently.” No. I did my best everyday, actually. I did what I never thought possible, actually. I’ve been working so hard to be where I am right now since I was a young teenage girl, so why… So why do I still feel— like a failure? Will this feeling ever go away? I’m so close to the finish line, yet my energy to keep running is gone, and I hate myself for it.
Depression makes me feel like a dull knife, you know you can still use it but it’s still dull even after it’s sharpened. Try as much as you can, use as much force as you need but the knife will always be, dull. Maybe you’re too lazy to sharpen it thoroughly, maybe you’re too attached to let it go. So it sits there. In your drawer beside the newly sharpened knives, unused, useless, and there in memoriam.
“You should write a novel about your life”
“You should write a novel about your life”, something she’d often hear. Yeah sure, her life was— peculiar to say the least and I guess it’s a life worth the write but it definitely wasn’t something anyone actually wanted to hear. Especially on the precipice of their roaring twenties. Who has a life that bad before their twenties that it’s worth writing about? She didn’t wanna hear that, feel it, especially when she wanted to make something out of herself first. Or maybe too often it was the idea of having to make something out of herself that had burdened her. The struggle, it had to have been worth it of course if she.. made something out of herself. Right?
You turn 18 and you can vote, so you celebrate turning 18. You turn 19, okay no one actually celebrates that, you’re just 19. You turn 20 and damn you’re 20, you’re just a twenty-teen! You turn 21 and you celebrate being able to finally buy alcohol on your own and walk into bars like you’re the shit. You turn 22 and you celebrate .. what do you celebrate? Oh yeah, your Bachelor’s Degree. What about so on and so on? Is it twenty-teen until she’s thirty-teen? She’ll keep celebrating until it constantly feels like she's on the precipice of something great? And nothing actually ever fucking happens?
But she thought too, what happened to normalcy? The struggle to just be.. perfectly normal. Be alright. What about that? The movies had warped her idea that with struggle came greatness, but what if greatness was just— no longer being in that dark place and living a completely normal life? And with a sigh, she dropped her pen and began to wonder when she’d ever actually start writing.
Hello fellow bloggers of Tumblr! Today, I've (obviously) made myself this Tumblr page, and revived my once dead Blogspot (or Blogger) page. I will only be posting artwork of mine on these blogs, and I'm also on Instagram, posting pics of my art and my life. If you wish to follow me on these 3 platfroms, I am Crystal_the_CC. See ya on the flip side! 😁
October is Here! Spooky season it's Halloween! Contest!, hope u like!! Work hard in it. ♡ ♡ ♡
Hello cuties♡ be kind to leave a like and fallow! It will help me alot!✨️I'm just here blogging my experience and I recently started school a couple months ago and I'm showing u one of my works. Still have alot to learn! but this is the beginning of my journey!! come along! Be part of it :D ♡ ♡ ♡ #nails #nailtech #nailartist #nailartists #nailstudent #nailstudents #nailsnailsnails #nailsofinstagram #nailsart #naildesign #nailaddict #nailjunkie #naillove #nails2inspire #nails4today #nailinspiration #nailswag #nailinstagram #nailitdaily #naillife #nailartwow #nailtechnician #nailstagram #nailarts #nailtechlife #nailsoftheday #naildesigner #nails💅 #nailartlove #nailselfie #nailgel #mylife #studentlife #studentnailtech #student #students #studentblogger #blog #blogger #vblog
Marching parade in Renaissance❤ lol, that chicken tho, Did u spotted that furry too? lol
plus if u wanna see full video check on my YouTube or Twitter or tiktok angelicIris.carrd.co
Went to the Renaissance, been long while haven't c: it was nice to get out of the house 🏠 breath the air. #renaissance #renaissancefestival #weekend #funreels #life #blogger #outside #cosplay #girlwithbiglasses #girl #pretty #niceoutside https://www.instagram.com/p/Cl2KdEdO8Jz/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
🇮🇹 Buongiorno!☀️ Ecco a voi una deliziosa idea per il pranzo di oggi: burger di salmone con insalata dal sapore orientale 😍😋 Troverete la ricetta anche in italiano 😉
🇬🇧Hi everyone! ☀️ Do you like salmon? If so, click on the link to read my recipe of this delicious salmon burger and oriental flavor salad 😋☺️
🇮🇹 Amici, ecco qui i miei tortellini! ☺️ Per conoscere la ricetta cliccate sul link 😉😋😍 🇬🇧 Hello friends! Here you are my tortellini! 😉 If you want to read my recipe, please click on the link ☺️🎉😋
MY DEAREST L…
Hello, it's been a while and a few things have changed since we last spoke. I've decided to quit smoking for one. I'm not to sure how long it will last this time but I'm going to try my best to stop.
i know that your coming over this week. just hope that you can handle me being cranky hahah. but anyways i've just been chilling out. oh! yeah i've noticed that i can breath better actually now that i stopped smoking. i was short of breath all the time before but now i seem to be getting better.
a craving is hitting right now. i'm trying to just ignore it and wright throw the craving. anyways talk to you tomorrow.
My Dearest L...
I woke up today thinking that it was going to be a good day, time passes so slowly when you are in your room blocked away from the outside world for so long. I haven't gone to work in about a month and a half not that I don't want want to go back, I just don't think I can without her help. cleaning room's alone just won't be the same without her help, she's been in the hospital just as long as I've been out of work. she seems to be getting better but I think she's just hiding the truth from me bec she doesn't think I can handle it and the truth is I probably can't handle it. I miss her so much... I just want her to come home and be with me and my sister again like things used to be but nothing will be the same now. the scary part is that I might only have about 5 years left with her till her sickness takes her from us all... I try to think about it, it's not worth the stress to live in it. I try to just live as much as I can with her while we still have her. time is not something she has much of but the time we spend together. why does he have to take her so soon from us??!!??
Broken Girl... Coming soon!
Man, do I have a story to tell you guys! I'll prob be posting it in parts bec it's still ongoing but I'm writing out the beginning. I keep telling myself I should have blogged about it when it first started happening but my I have to work with my sister to get it all from the beginning bec I have a really bad memory that's why most of my blog post is really how I'm feeling in that moment and they're very raw. anyways I'll be blogging about this girl very soon, should be some time starting around next week. Maybe Monday? I'm not sure, yet...
