Bsd Nikolai Gogol - Blog Posts

finally drew the main doa together :>

Muscle to muscle and toe to toe

The fear has gripped me but here I go

My heart sinks as I jump up

Your hand grips hand as my eyes shut

[Read from left to right]

With this, the entirety of The Path To Freedom AU series is concluded. There are no more spoilers left now! Feel free to share your thoughts and interpretations, I'm really interested to hear your experience reading this fanwork and what you guys think. Headcanons about this AU are welcome as well!

I got this idea in January and published the first part in February. I can't believe this went on for 9 months, time flies😭 And I'm kinda sad it's over now, this AU has grown on me... I still want to publish some of my thought processes behind different aspects of the story later and make some art for it separately from the plot but that might take a while, because not only am I a master in procrastination but I also have some other projects I need to work on at the moment, so bear with me.

Thank you for all the love and support, I appreciate it more than I could ever put into words🫶

And special thanks to Arabella W. for helping me out with the script and supporting me throughout the creative process, this project wouldn’t be the same without you <3

𝙙𝙖𝙩𝙚 : 𝙪𝙣𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬𝙣, 𝙡𝙤𝙘𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 : 𝙖 𝙜𝙝𝙤𝙨𝙩𝙡𝙮 𝙘𝙞𝙧𝙘𝙪𝙨, 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙧𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙤𝙛 𝙣𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙢𝙖𝙯𝙚, 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙨𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩

He brings himself in, and you embrace him tightly — both will never let go, at least that's what you think. He has seen what's yours, he has explored the very place you thought as a safe place.

“Oh, my love. You're just adorable. How I wish this is my sight every day. You look so mine, right now.”

“My, my! Just look at that cute pretty face! Yes, yes, you have found something? Mind to tell me what is it?”

“What's with the face, dear? What is it? What did you find?”

“What did you see in my place, dear? Tell me. Hey, tell me. Please, tell me, I'm itching to know—everything everything everything—that is on your mind right now, love.”

do read the first part (i'ma tear out your heart, it'll always be mine) and second part (gonna break his fxcking spine, wanna dance until we die) with the spotify playlist

Hey, I was in the amazing street art show and I I came up with this headcanon in my head...

Nikolai Gogol as street performer who love attention from public. He love audience ovations — so very satisfying even more than money, which he earn from performance. He do this for his own freedom. For freedom from his oppressive and closed to new things family, whose doesn't support his passion. He does it to spite them — just as he takes you from the audience in spite of them and choose you to help in his „new trick”, assuring you that you will be safe in „his strong arms”. Lifting you a few meters wasn't too difficult with his ability like wasn't too difficult impressing the audience, whose rubbed their eyes in amazement.

When hen you were already on the ground, you weren't able to identify why your heart was beating faster — because of stress or because of the handsome artist's gaze...

Sorry not sorry. But some people need to read this.

Tw: when I am employing the word « delusional » I am not referring to the medical definition of it.

What I am going to be saying is going to be disliked by some. But I don’t care.

I am going to be talking right now about a phenomenon that I’ve been seeing ever since I started reading mangas and watching animes and it has always bothered me.

And guess what ? I am not the only one being bothered by that, which reassures me.

The problem is the following:

Each time there’s a genuine friendship between two male characters or even two females in a manga/anime, people dirty it by gluing on it, their own fantasies and making it somewhat romantic/sexual, by inventing a « sexual tension » between these protagonists.

Always happens in the anime/manga universe.

…and I am going to tell you why it’s a problem/bothersome situation for many :

The problem is that it renders the story less deep and genuine and more people are influenced in thinking that, a male character, by being nice to another male (same for females), is romantic or whatever.

Like some of y’all are sexualising everything. Get it together.

This is, most of the time (actually 99% of the time but okay), LITTERALY delusion because the authors have never, ever meant for their characters to be viewed as anything but genuine friends/acquaintances..

It distorts the story for nothing and, in my opinion, it is disrespectful to the creators of the manga, to just take their characters and create a quiproquo on it. Sorry not sorry to say it.

As an example, let me take the « Dazai x Chuuya » fans.

The readers go as far as totally disregarding the fact that, Dazai, since literally the first episode, has implied that he was not attracted to guys. On top of that, he’s kinda depicted as the guy who likes women (/is low-key a womaniser). Never, ever was there anything that would make him attracted to Chuuya as a male.

(It also happens for JJK and others… )

Therefore, you’re disregarding the genuine and complex aspects of a potential friendship and understanding between the characters, to glue on it what you would have wished it to be : a romantic or sexual attraction. It’s a projection of what YOU would have WANTED it to be.

Simple example for BSD: Asagiri himself has said that there is nothing between Chuuya and Dazai, that they really don’t appreciate each other.

Now for all those who think that they like each other: it’s fine but that means that there’s something you´ve misunderstood in the story. Go back to it and try to analyse better the interactions and contexts. It’s fine really cuz, it could happen to anyone to misunderstand something, I am not criticising. Just signaling a risk.

It is actually immoral to distort a character’s sexuality like what ?! It becomes a habit and people do it also for celebrities. It’s kinda going too far.

It’s not for you to decide.

When it’s « not a big deal » for some, it could actually represent a big deal for many. And make many people uncomfortable.

Respectfully :

You wanna do your fanfics ? NO PROBLEM really ! be our guests ! but do it in the context of a fanfic, after putting on a disclaimer, as a respectful gesture for the creators of mangas !

(On the other hand, when people write « character x reader », it doesn’t distorts the original story cuz Y/N just doesn’t exist).

BUT rubbing it down our throats without any context as if it was a general truth provided by the creators, that « these characters are in love/sexually attracted to one another » NO. Keep it for yourself or your group of friends if y’all agree on it.

Again, many many people feel as uncomfortable as I, regarding this. It’s kinda also getting out of hand.

It’s getting out of hand especially when I see fandoms like the Black butler fandom where they imagine a « sexual tension » between Sebastian that is an adult and Ciel that is 13 !

Like it or not. I am not sorry for being respectful and realistic.

And I am encouraging everyone to talk and expose that, because this is not fine.

Some decency is needed :

Not everything is okay with what people are doing on the internet. You can have your « dirty thoughts » but don’t expose them, not everyone wishes to hear about it. Some things have to stay between you and yourself.

Kids/ teens :

And kids/teens (all those below 18) y’all need to get off your phones a little and go play outside or meet your friends (for teens ig) if you don’t wanna end up in depression at an early age or with extremely poor social skills.

At least take a real book like ones at the school library and learn things. Instead of learning how to .. by reading explicit content cuz you never listen when we tell you that a certain one shot is +18.

Again, I am not sorry. I am pissed.

Hurt/ angst/ comfort

Nikolai Gogol x fem!reader

Night changes

MINORS DNI

This story is +18. If you are minor, quit or at least don’t interact.

Trigger warning: mentions of blood, wounds, violence/domestic violence, sadistic behaviour, cold weapon, affective dependency. Nikolai is his own TW atp.

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_____________________________________________

It was too much. You’ve reached your limit.

Looking forward, you could only see chaos and ruination of your persona. Nothing more.

And certainly, nothing less.

Certainly, at these times you ask yourself « what happened », foolishly, gazing at the poor state you were left in « why even ? ». For nothing.

Oh. Yes. I’ve loved. The wrong person.

Sacrificial, you choose yourself to be, indeed.

It wasn’t rare for you to be quietly sitting on the couch with your so called lover (the one who could be so lovely and affectionate) until he suddenly would turn into a monster. Giggling and laughing at your pain

— Ah.. search for freedom it is. —

Like now…

« HahAhaHa if you just looked at your face when I stabbed you. Like a shocked puppy !! »

This relationship was still so important to you.

Always you heard that love was staying through the hard times. It was supposedly normal to « Go through hell for the one you love » — isn’t it ?

That’s why you’ve always been so loving and genuine about your feelings and continued being so, even through the hardest times.

Certainly, you yearned for someone to love, who would love you back and cherish you…

Only.. you haven’t got this chance.

You indeed found someone to love but the feeling wasn’t reciprocated ?.. Or was the feeling present but not reciprocated correctly, loosing itself between a negation operated by none other than your lover due to his obsession with freedom and his selfishness?

An absurd choice made by a man to tangle himself in a relationship when bearing such an unrealistic ambition. Freedom from emotions.

Harm, pain, sadness and humiliation was all you knew.

You knew you betrayed yourself for nothing. And you were continuing to do so.

Indeed Nikolai could seem very friendly, even adorable at first glance but.. He could actually be the very monster before you, enjoying your pain. Uselessly.

..like now.

Facing you with what he likes to call his « amusement tools » which consisted of knives of all shapes and sizes.

Very sharp knives.

«  Come on doll ! I haven’t finished yet ! » he said stomping his foot on the floor.

The floor, littered with broken glass, from the very same vase you’ve put the very flowers he offered you.

Both standing in the kitchen. A wold and a lamb.

You, against the wall, behind a table that was sparing you from the monster before you, ready to harm you at any moment.

You were all bleeding and sobbing from the harm you’ve been enduring.

You were like an object. Hugging you when he felt like it and hurting you when he felt like it.

Blood from your arms was pouring and staining your beautiful dress. Such a mess.

How did it come to this ? Was a recurrent question which didn’t seem to leave your mind.

« Nikolai please .. » your voice pleading and quivering.

« Come on darling » urging you  « hold out you hand.. » he pouted maliciously.

Trying to struggle was always vain. He was always stronger than you.

One hit.

Blood platter on the floor.

One time too much.

Time stopped..

Through your tears, you looked at your stained, torn clothes, at your bleeding arms and palm… Slowly your gaze trailed till it reached his face. The man you loved and cherished so much was the source your pain and sadness..

Standing with a Cheshire grin.

He was the one harming you and putting you through chaos, through pain. You looked at him in the eyes.. eyes full of grief and regret. He paused.

Love should never be like that.

The shift in the atmosphere happened when he suddenly noticed something changed in you. Your eyes.. they lost their light, they became cold and distant.

He felt a clench in his heart and.. guilt ? He then knew, by the way you looked at him...

He was loosing you.

The smile in his face.. long gone. Realisation hiting was a reminder of his failure.

Slowly, you turned around the table avoiding him, wearing your long coat, you lifelessly exited the house with your heart torn apart.

——————————————

It was a rainy day. How funny.. like an attempt of the weather to match the storm present in your heart.

At least, the teardrops flowing down your cheeks would be mistaken for rain. This way, people won’t stare.

It was cold outside, you were crossing your arms trying to shield yourself from the cold. Slowly walking between all the passengers, you started thinking about how your life would have been if you haven’t encountered Nikolai.

Certainly better.

With your hands cold and your heart clenching you made it to a bench at a parc and as it was afternoon, you could see the deep orange sun setting. Its warmth deeply contrasted with the coldness of the rain.

It was truly beautiful.

The more time passed, the colder it got. To survive that, the only thing you could do is hug your legs against your chest and rocking back and forth in an effort to create some warmth.

It was night now, the sun has completely set. The only light you had was coming from the street lamps.

By that time, there was no one left in the parc, only the sound of crickets and the leaves blowed by the wind.

You found yourself lulled by the sounds.. if only you weren’t in such a messy state, you could have been able to really enjoy sitting here..

Instead, your face felt heavy from crying and your mind raced.

You wondered what you were going to do now that you managed to exit the house. You have nowhere to go. If Nikolai finds you at your family’s place he could harm them and that was a risk you didn’t want to take. Staying with someone as violent was your fault and you weren’t going to put your loved one’s security at stake.

The only place you could go to would be a hotel and even there, Nikolai could still find you, but at least, the only person who would be harmed would be you.

You have no exit.

You knew that your so-called boyfriend would find you wherever you go and that trying so hard to escape was useless.

The calmness of the scenery got to you and you were starting to feel sleepy when you heard the sounds of footsteps on the grass.

So tired from all the crying you’ve done, you had a hard time focusing on the person that was walking towards you.

Suddenly, the realisation hit you and you stiffened, eyes wide. The silhouette was one you would recognise between hundreds of others.

Slowly approaching.. like a predator towards his prey.

This is it.. he’s going to kill me.

Today is my last.

These moments are my last.

Trembling.. you were trembling from fear, the man before you was a monster.

Slowly coming under the light, you could finally see his face.

Surprisingly enough, he wasn’t wearing that sadistic smile of his… the smile of a predator.

He seemed actually.. sad ?

Without a word, with a shocking call, he sat beside you. Leaving you apprehensive of his intentions.

His demeanour was strange, wasn’t as malicious as usual, he wasn’t moving with his habitual eccentricity. A certain distance between the too of you was kept as if he was waiting for an answer, or a reaction.

You blinked, the wind blowing on your week frame.

The situation being too stressful resulted on you suddenly bursting into tears.

- « What did I ever do to you to treat me like this ?! Do I really deserve that ?! » your voice breaking from the precedent amount of cries, of sobs.

Sitting beside you, you see Nikolai flinch and for a minute you saw what looked like.. guilt ? Sadness ? Regret ?

But could you trust it ? Could you trust your red puffy eyes, tired from weeping all day ?

As the silence grew, you continued « I’ve always gave you all my love.. I just wanted to love and be loved that’s all.. that’s all I wanted ».

You looked at him desperate, trying to get an answer instead of that mysterious emotion on his face.

« All you did was hurting me. Pain, that’s all you gave me back.. You must really hate me a lot for doing all this to me»

Besides you, Nikolai was trying his best to look stoic but, the pang on his heart was too painful to be able to do much.

« I am…sorry.. sweetheart.. let’s just go home »

« I wish I’ve never met you, Nikolai » you added, hot tears pooling down your cheeks. Indeed you fell terribly for him very shortly after your first meeting. Even at that time, something in your heart told you it would never be the same.

A hug. Strangely warm, compared to his meek precedent attempts. Without a word you stayed like this, only hearing each others breaths and sharing a non habitual warmth.

It’s too hard. That’s what you’ve always wanted. And he’s only giving it to you now. When it felt like it was over.

Was he trying to soothe you before he leaves you dead ?

After a long unmeasured moment of silence, you were the one to break it with a tired voice « You’ve hurt me. Again and again. How many time you said sorry before? Did it change anything ? » your eyes heavy, betraying you while you needed to be the most alert.

Tears were still running down your reddened cheeks.

Time passed by still in silence in the same position. Hugged by your executioner.

Instead of a proper response, Nikolai scoops you up in his arms, and without a word took the path back home. Startled, looking at his face, he seems solemn, uncharacteristically serious.

What could you do ? From the first time you saw him, you knew you were too far gone. Your fault for being thirsty for love.

« Nikolai, this is my last try with you.. » a white lie you couldn’t even believe yourself.

And as silence persisted, the only thing you could hear was his steps on the grass.

You felt warm at the idea that he actually might change. That maybe, he was sincere.

You wouldn’t bet your life on it though.

But a sparkle of hope remained.

.

Studio Bones refused to animate Nikolai’s expression but I believe in justice for Fyolai so I did it myself (Season 5 Episode 1 Spoilers)

a/n- something random to hold y’all over til baby girl chuuya

marina and the decay of angels (and dazai)

dazai-

“wish i’d been a prom queen fighting for the title instead of being sixteen and burning up a bible, feeling super super super suicidal.”

dazai osamu was stuck being thrown into bad situations left and right through his childhood and adolescence

he had to learn to survive, as did everyone

he was in the mafia, running around and murdering, torturing, among other crimes

perhaps he just wanted normal teen tears that those things didn’t happen. just highschool, friends, relationships.

nikolai-

“instead of love, and trust, and laughter, all you get is happy never after.”

nikolai wanted to be with fyodor, which has always been clear.

he wanted to feel things, but felt it only made him weak. so he tried to give them all up and work with fyodor.

in attempting that, fyodor lost his life and left nikolai with sadness.

fyodor-

“need to purge the poison from our system until human beings listen. tell me, who do you think you are?”

fyodor’s goal from the beginning is to rid the world of sin. killing in the name of his god.

and which, he would let no one get in the way of his goals.

thus, he must punish those for their crimes. for their sin. for their poison.

sigma -

“i know exactly what i want and who i want to be. i know exactly why i walk and talk like a machine”

sigma isn’t human. that he knows.

normal human things don’t come naturally to him. he has to fake it.

and with faking it, one seems less human than ever. machine like, even. sigma became exactly like that.

a machine who, with just a push of a button, could be so easily altered and manipulated.