Kinda Depressing - Blog Posts

One of my friends asked me why I don't just try to heal myself

And I never came up with an answer

But I already had an answer, I just didn't want to sound stupid

I don't do it because I know I'm not done hurting

So I'm not going to fix myself if I'm not done breaking

The only way I can be fixed is if I'm finished breaking until I get broken down again

The only thing is, I don't think I'm going to stop breaking

And if I do it won't be soon

The other thing, if I'm going to break again then why should I rebuild myself?

Why should I take anywhere from days to years to rebuild myself when it only takes a few seconds to be broken again

And the worst part is when one part of you breaks it's almost guaranteed the rest will too

Rebuilding a person can take 10 years, breaking a person can take 10 seconds

Thats the exact reason why people would rather destroy me then help me

Which is why I thank all of my friends for being good people to me even though I'm always the depressed person in our group.

I'm trying to feel all the emotion

That I once used to have

But now, I barely feel any of it

Now I barely even laugh

It wasn't really my fault

It was all the masks doing

I wore it blankly every day

Until I decided I was fine

When I wanted to take it off

I was already way too late

It never moved at all after that

It was then that i realized I was too quick to take the unintentional bait

It's not really my fault

I just wanted to hide away

But now that they've replaced me

I'm ok with never having another happy day

After this, my mask sometimes falters

And I show some emotion now

But all the rest of the expressions that never come out

Comes out in tears, and all in a commotion

Pain isn't there for you to ignore it

It's there for a reason

There's nothing wrong with letting it win

If it was there for you to overcome it ALL THE TIME it probably wouldn't be there

Pain is just a limit, and you have to accept it

I've accepted it too much, and now I look like this

Don't let it completely overtake you, but let it do its job

Having to live a future you didn’t think you’d be alive for is so fucking hard

If I ever kill myself just know I tried my fucking best and please forgive me

When I was a child I’d only known depression through medicine commercials, where the depressed person was a porcelain wind up doll that had to be wound over and over again to walk. I didn’t really understand it then, tucked away neatly in my television set. Why wouldn’t they want to keep going, always? Why would they need to be wound? And now as I look down at my porcelain foot, I wonder why it isn’t shuffling in front of the other.

“Cigarettes are food for broken souls.”

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