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biography of crystalbrain
summary:
crystalbrain is a foolish idiot brain. they are composed only of the finest sugar, salt, and perhaps more illegal things, perhaps not…crystalbrain tries to maek a thought, but a thought owns them they think. they think to theirself "why do i exist" but then smells their armpits. crystalbrain sometimes says he, sometimes they, but 100% of the time is an idiot god brain. crystalbrain refuses to belieeve that the romans didnt pay their soldier dudes in salt, becuz crystalbrain doesn't want to admit they're wrong. crystalbrain rules over the entire universe and this is why the universe is so fucked. crystalbrain never got very far in parasite eve but thinks he's a "respect mah authority" on this game. crystalbrain has more video games than books in their brain. crystalbrain won't shut the fuck up and thinks stupidity is still stupid because he's stupid or maybe smart in that respect.
crystalbrain heard that if u took a piece of shit and threw them into space they would eventually turn into a crystal due to entropy, or maybe this is wrong. crystalbrain spent their youth doing speed enemas in their brainus. crystalbrain has never had a husband, a wife, or any kids that grew up to be little crystalbrains. crystalbrain has no electricity in their neurons but just really cool lightning shit that is the domain of enlightenened stupidity.
in the beginning…
…there was a tv. this tv got fucked in the ass and decided to give birth to a brain. this brain was in the fetal state inside the tv tube. after growing on disney, the maligignant semen created by priests who jack off in confessionals created quanantum shifts in reality that caused tv to explode, and one of these broken tv shards was crystalbrain. he was lodged in teh brain of an infant but no one ever knew, and having caused brain damage to this infant created a negative feedback loop of complete stupididity. the child didn't know it, but his subconscious did, that he would have to rise up and get revenenge on the priest who jacked off in the confessional and created the abominatation that is himself. this was a life-long task and there were all kinds of hurdles to complete, includuding not getting molested by anyone, learning how to avoid doing basic arithmetic, making sure that he grew up with proper non-heterosexual orientation, programming dick pics in QBASIC, and smoking copious quanitities of marijuana, crack cocaine, and meth.
part 2:
crystalbrain read the book naked lunch by william s. burroughs but he was 2 stoopid 2 understand it, even though it was written on drugs. he had hallucinations from the movie blade runner and modern society seemed to open up to him and make him a king in his own mind. the only problem was that he was aktually in rehab for going psychotic from doing lots of drugs. this was an unfortunate side effekt of being the kind of guy who smokes crack all the time, and he found taht the best course of action would be 2 make noise music. so he did this and set up a set of speakers 2 blast merzbow in front of the archdiocecese of some city or another. this caused priests 2 roll on the floor in agony clutching a knife and cutting off their pedophile genitals, but only a few boys were saved from being completely groomed and molested by catholic priest guys.
the nuns did not approve, but fortunately crystalbrain had artificial intelligence training on how to deal with nuns with machine guns. was it he that had the machine guns, or the nuns who had the machine guns in taht last sententence? it may have been both because the nuns advanced on him with machine guns and virginity on their minds but he totally wiped out like a squadron of nuns and they were black and white and red all over. this was a monumenental acheivment and he went on 2 become the king of the church for 2 minutes until the national guard arrived, but using telepathetic mind control powers he was able 2 maek the national guard become on his side, so they went rampaging through the cities leik a bunch of methed up guys with machine guns, which they aktually were since he gave them all glass pipes and huge chunks of crystal meth to smoke. anyways they were going 2 taek over whatever city but they ended up having homosexual intercourse instaed. this was expected because dudes with guns aktually want 2 fuck guys in the ass but they're too dumb 2 realize this so they shoot ppl i guess.
crystalbrain wandered the streets liek a manic preacher, telling people the gospel of drugs, but he really had kind of ruined his life because now everyone wanted him dead. so he sort of shifted down into an alternate dimension on the darkweb where there was a metaverse where dudes were selling acid and he met a dude with a bunch of cryptocurrency and they had lots of drugs. so now crystalbrain went into the school playground near the place he grew up and started telling ppl that taking LSD is fun becuz he felt bad about the idea of selling meth to kids so he just sold them acid so they would hallucinate lots of gaping maws of infininity swallowing their minds and sanity in a psychedelic void.
to be continued…
part 3:
doing hard drugs took its toll on crystalbrain but he had magical powers 2 heal his body and mind he got from a ghost in a graveyard. he had stayed up for 4 days and realized that reality was bullshit and that he had the power 2 heal his wounds liek a greek god or something. then he went 2 try 2 stop a train with his bare hands but no matter how much crack he smoked the train always knocked him out of the way. he decided 2 taek a bunch of thermite and melt the railroad tracks on a train in russia and this indeed caused a crash but it wasn't as satisisfying as making it crash by standing in front of it and punching it. he had a vision, a goal in his mind taht he would one day punch a train and it would fly into the sun and burn up. this was a dream he held on to for dear life.
one day he discovered pcp and this was indeed the cure for his ailment of not being abel to punch a train into the sun. he smoked some marijuana that was laced with pcp and suddenly he was the most powerful being in all of eternity and it felt really great. he found a train and punched it so hard that when it hit the sun it caused a solar flair that heated the earth by 10 degrees fairenheight for a couple minutes. if u ever felt hot maybe u were in his reality where this happened (in some other realities he did not succeed in stopping the train and got hit by it and died i guess but this is the good reality we're talking about where crystalbrain punched a train into the sun and maeks NFTs still).
crystalbrain-crack cocaine for the soul 1/1 NFT ethereum
ok, so crystalbrain got introduced 2 crack cocaine by this dude in the motherfuckin' CIA in a VR simululation to train nicaraguan rebels. he had a glass pipe which he put a flame 2 and he took a hit and all of a sudden it was liek a hailstorm of nun-killings just jumped into his brain liek a complete disasterpiece of youphoric wonderfulness. this was after having a gay orgy with manuel noriega and some colombian dudes and it was a perfect moment of spectackular crack rock hitting wonder. this was not the first time crystalbrain had done drugs, no, he had smoked marijuana, tripped on psilocybin mushrooms, dosed on LSD, gotten fucking jacked on speed, taken benzos, rolled on ecstacy, inhaled huge balloons full of nitrous oxide, gone to other dimensions on salvia divinorum, snorted heroin, chugged cough syrup, gotten blown out of his mind on DMT, and this among probably hundrededs of other reasons is why crystalbrain did not live up to his full potential as a contributing member of the matrix.
but being with CIA agents smoking huge rocks of crack cocaine as a test 2 see if crack was a good idea 2 fill the ghettos of america with in order to be a proper instrurument of the government to keep poor people jonesin 4 a hit, he decidided that what his soul really, really deep down craved was an extatic union with the god…of crack. yes, crystalbrain had met his new god, and being 10 years old and fondled by ronald reagan he decided he would go on a mission 2 get every threat 2 the status kwo hooked on this incredibly racist form of cocaine. he snuck around on an alternate form of existence putting telepathic thoughts to buy roses in glass toobs in the inner cities of amerikkka and it was his complete desire that not only should everyone who was poor smoke crack, that eventually aliens would put the entire planet earth into one big crack pipe and take a gigantic hit off of the pipe and get high for liek…15 minutes. and thus crystalbrain went back 2 school and started selling crack cocaine 2 his classmates in the school bathroom.
it was not known at the tiem but crack cocaine made its way through multiple layers of existence, and so there were demons smoking crack, angels smoking crack, and there was god himself sittin' on his throne smoking a big fat dime rock of crack with his donations from churches. satan got in on the game and started smoking crack, but this was just in the judeo-christian realm of existence. there were buddhas smoking crack, lao tzu's force ghost was smoking crack, in the star wars universe obi wan kenobi was smoking crack with anakin, and everyone in the entire multiverse was having a great time getting high on crack. but then they all got addicted and started selling their assholes to buy crack, and then the DEA became an interdimensional entity and forced its way through the multiverse, and everyone got busted because they were selling and smoking so much crack.
"crystalbrain-i am a fucking moron" NFT 1/1 ethereum
this is "i am a fucking moron". send ur 0.034 ETHs here:
ok, dude. sometimes u think 2 urself "hey my stupidity has gone a little far, we can't be dumber than this" but then u just start creating something & the lack of electricicity in ur brain just sorta stops and ur there making stuff and its just liek this zen state of stupidity that makes it liek there's actually NEGATIVE electricicity in ur brain sorta kicks in and ur just having a great time creating stuff i guess. bcuz what is more fun than being a moron? being an even bigger moron! i know, i know…i'm already the biggest moron on the planet but i still am not satisisfied. we are talking black hole levels of stupididity here. heavy metal animal sacrificing levels of stupididity. thinking that pulling out will prevent a herpes infection level of stupididity. mormon sex cults claiming native americans are jews levels of stupididity.
bcuz if u look closely, u will see that this entire digital image is made up of the phrase "i am a fucking moron" in various permututations. and yes, we could comment stupid things about what a five pointed star means i guess or what the red shit in the picture means, but i don't even think we need 2 do that. the picture speaks for its fucking self: "i am a fucking moron". and yes, i rememember being in school and trying to taek a hit of crack cocaine while i was sharpening my pencil & my teacher actually said "u r a fucking moron" and took me out of class, and the class was not surprised he said this because who smokes crack in class? only a fucking moron would do that. but five pointed stars that maek u think about people with dyed-black hair aside, this is some stupid shit right here that will totally satisisfy ur craving for dead brain cells better than huffing ether while smoking a cigarette (don't do this! it's dumb!)
crystalbrain-hexadecimal NFT 1/1 ethereum
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ok, so there's these things called computers right?? and i guess there's these motherfuckers called bytes if u follow my drift, and because i'm so full of psychiatric drugs sodomizing my brain cells it's a weeeee bit hard to explain, but u can have a byte shown into your eyeballs with two numbers, but the numbers have to be liek:
0123456789ABCDEF
instead of:
0123456789
so instead of just numbers, u have alphabets in there 2. right?? but anyways cryptocurrency addresses use this numerical fuckery for their addresses. why? because u can show a byte as two numbers or letters and its always 2 characacters i guess.
omg i just explainained somethin 2 u. maybe all of drugs arent as bad as i thought and i can form a cohererent thought ok?
BUT ANYWAYS, u will probabably not realize that the numbah 16 has something to do with the patterns in the image. there's a 10 which is actually 16, and the 16 is actually 10. does this maek fucking sense??? NO. not if ur dumb.
but anyways….this is called hexadecimal numbers and i learned about them before i became stupider from killing massive amounts of brain cells, which may be an ongoing process if the 12 pillz i take in the morning are any indidication.
why would i maek an NFT about this? bcuz i liek hexadecimal, maybe because the last number is "F" which is the letter for "fuck" or "fondue" even tho i don't eat fondue because i'm vegan. if u want a homage 2 hexadecimal, u got it right here & u can take out ur ETHs and buy this leik usual.
crystalbrain-tiles of fate NFT 1/1
ok, why is this called tiles of fate?? i was projecting my brain into a video store with liek flesh-body attached and i saw there was a nintendo game called tiles of fate. what the fuck, it was unlicencensed, so it didnt look liek other nintendo cartrididges. so i bring it home and what the fuck, the game sucks. so that was not cool at all i guess, unless the tiles were made of drugs in which case u could freebase them i guess but they were in a video game so that's not possible right? right. anyways, i feel that these tiles are fated to make me famous, where ppl put lots of dollars in my bank account and put me on a pedestal and say "ur not a drug smoking loser, ur a winner!" and i have a VH1 special from the early 2000s about how i did a bunch of bad stuff then stopped.
but as u can see, this image is quite possibibly, definately, most surely tiled in a weird way, which gives it the charm that it has, which most definitely makes it a better fit for whatever mind trip ur on. maybe ur fated to be stuck inside a computer? i say nah, u just puff away liek cigarette smoke in the wind and ur dissississipated. is that so bad? did u want to be ur avatar in heaven? in hell? i don't want that shit, fuck that, someone give me liek a computer where i can control ur asses with my crystalbrain, that's my fate.
crystalbrain-space NFT 1/1
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ok, so i don't understand this. there is space, and it's melting, but it ain't liek heat that's doing it; no it's more running liek paint that got wet, just drippin around liek a woman in a bikini from the water i guess, do u know what i mean? why is p in brackets? if u take the p out, it says sace, which might be a word but if it is i'm too dumb 2 know it. i got an idea: i trained my brain how to read from the names of produkts i saw on the shelves in the grocecery store, so don't put brackets in stuff because it confuses me. i know, i know here's something to chew on: why r u lookin at me liek that? do u think i talk liek this and actually went to school instead of smoking crack with the janitor while he tried to teach me greek philosophy?
i have an idea: this image is the result of image manipulation, liek i'm taeking another image i made & i said "i don't liek this shit" & decided to make something better ok? and when the colors were all runny and drippy i was finally satisfied and said "ah hah! this is good!" and why is it good? becuz it took me 6 days to make this & i rested on the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th day, which gives u a week where you work for six days and rest for four, ok? that's really what i got 2 say about that and if u don't liek it u can kiss my my brainus.
crystalbrain-laser eye NFT 1/1
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ok, i got sumthin to tell u. its a secret. the laser, its liek HAL in 2069 a space fuckassy, which is my imaginary porno based on 2001 a space odddessy by stanlee koobrick. but this time there is a laser in the middle between two sets of brests, because this is the ideal place for a red light coming from a robot. but this is no regular porno, no this is a porno for robots, who are built for the sole porpoise of selling pornos to them. by making masturbation robots, u can then create a market to sell pornos 2 them. its brilliant for money making, and that's what syfy porno is about right?? right???
i know these don't look liek breasts, but they are syfy breasts since nerds cant get real brests this is the best i could do with. maybe they're robot brests???? i got a good idea, liek if u were on a space ship with a bunch of doods going 2 jupiter or wherever the fuck and the machine tried to fuck u instead of kill u, wouldn't u be happier? this is why 2069 a space fuckassy is a superior flick to 2001, even if 2001 has fantasy shit by director stanlee koobrick. r u with me people? robot sex = better than robot killing. i know arthur see clark wrote a novel aboot 2001, but that shit didn't happen, we didn't go to jupiter or wherever the fuck in a psychedelic tunnel of wtf in 2001, so we'll all have sex on a spaceship in 2069 instead.
do u people capeesh or do i have 2 go on????
crystalbrain-zeitgeistxii
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ok. alrite…we have a sundial here i guess, but its a really fuckin abstract sundial, with a bunch of roman letters liek a clock i guess typed above it. it even says fucking "sundial" on it. hey u know what my favorite time is? when i get to eat food, or maybe when i punch myself in the face with a roll of quarters. u know why i do that? because a fist + money = -money - fist so its like not punching yourself at all and losing money. but this is bullshit because u still punched yourself and u have ur roll of quarters still.
time is a delicate subject 4 me, yes. i have always treaded on the topic of time with due caution, as it is definitely not something to mess with. time deserves respect! time is our friend! but did u know that time is just being split into three categories, the past, present, and future i guess. do i care or even understand such things? i do not, because i smoked so many drugs that i decided it wasn't worth thinking about anymore. did u know that time is a really complex thing, liek something that there's many views upon and scientific understandings of, and that its really hard to explain here because i'm limited by my crystalbrain 2 only 4 dimensions, but time is one of them, and time is on my side, yes.
people don't really get time, its a beautiful, beautiful thing that can be divided up however u want probably, but i wouldn't mess with it because its probably power itself or soemthing.
crystalbrain-tenfold gate NFT 1/1
this is "tenfold gate". send ur 0.034 ETHs here:
ok, so what i'm about to tell u is…imagine a monster with ten assholes. now, u can imagine that this picture is liek a representation of a ten assholed monster. but the thing is, the monster is actually fact-as-a-fucking-day also a representation of something else which is not a ten assholed monster. do u see where i'm coming from? leik imagine if for every finger u had, there was one asshole, and u were grabbing this monster with both hands to try to fight with it. wouldn't that be sumthin? i think so, that's why i made this picture. fun fact: a ten assholed monster can be gangbanged by ten people, did u know that or did i have to just spell it out for u?
now this doesn't look liek a ten assholed monster, but lots of things don't look liek what they are. liek did u know that a shot-glass full of gasoleen is not whiskey? i knew that, which is why when my crack dealer i didn't pay tried to give me one, i totally turned him down. i just sort of knew "hey this smells liek gasoleen, i better not drink this". this has absolutely nothing to do with anything, or did u not realize that? i guess u could put ten gas pumps up ten assholes and totally fill em up but then u might get a big fountain of gas all over ur new armani suit u bought with ethereum from some colombian guy.
crystalbrain-kaleidospiral sun tunnel NFT 1/1
ok, sometimes if u see a light at the end of a spiral, u don't know if the spiral is a womb or an asshole. maybe its both??? but at least u see the light, like you're wonderfully in the light totally freaking out liek "holy shit, there's some light wtf am i gonna do" and i don't really have an answer for that. u could just have a sandwich instead i guess. there's no need to go toward the light, didn't u learn anything from really shitty medical shows? or maybe u want to go to the light, maybe its nice and warm but personally i'm afraid of light because…..fire man, fire.
but birth! yes, ur born and the light is kind of liek, ok. gimmie my womb back, so ur tryin' to get back to the darkness but the light is tryin' to take u too, and this whole life its liek "AAHHHHH LIGHT GET ME BACK 2 THE WOMB MAN!" but is this smart? i don't know how to tell because i smoke my thoughts liek crack rocks in my neurons. its a losing game to think about the light; why not look at the cool patterns and shit? they're spiral, and squarish, and kind of magenta-pinkish; it's more of a winning proposition i guess, liek when u try to get a hooker and they say yes and u give her liek some money for sex or something.
gettin back to that light though; oh man, i dunno what i'd do about that, i'd prolly try to fly around liek some disembodied dude and possess some guy liek an evil spirit. maybe i'd find my body in an alternate reality and be liek "hey i'm taking this" and commandandeer it leik a fucking helicopter. yes. that is what i would do if i were forced to choose in this situation. then i'd just be chilling with my alternate reality body liek "look at me, i'm alive still, hahaha death fuck you"
crystalbrain-wings of seven NFT 1/1
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what can i say about seven??? it's such a cool number! if u were a man with wings leik an angel or some shit liek that, u would have seven limbs right?? i'm going to say that this picture gives u wings because the salesman who sells crack in my brain said to promise this to my buyers. beware i can't verifify if this is actually true, so DISCLAIMER: i am full of shit possibly but maybe not. but what else can i say about this??? it's green, liek dollar bills i guess, which is kind of a neat thing if ur looking to buy a house or eat or have some fuel for ur rich guy fireplace. so as for the number seven, i can't possibley say enuff good shtuff. yeah the bible has some dumb shit going on in sevens but u can forget about this, because this is a non-christian seven, leik if u were a buddhist and u wanted this seven, u could have it without any of that bowls of gods wrath stuff.
what else can i possilby say about this? it looks liek it grew from an ancient civilization that exists on a leaf or sumthin, i can say that. wouldn't it be cool if ancient civilizations possibly with aliens grew on leaves? i would totally freak out and spooge if that were the case and i'd use my two wings to fly to the moon or something to tell the people on the moon about it. i mean no one on earth would believe me except for those dudes that take too much LSD or mushrooms, but on the moon, I dunno, maybe? or maybe on neptune because its the 7th planet from the sun, that would work cool i guess.
so if u want complicicated patterns in sevens u can totally take out ur ETHs and buy this NFT which i offer to ur brain.
crystalbrain-flower of aerisithe NFT 1/1
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check it out! there was this girl i fell in love with but it was dumb because i knew she was going to die because some motherfucker on a website called square.net from liek 1997 ruined the scene just liek i'm telling u what happens in the game, but it was a game that is forever known as FINAL FANTASY VII, and it looks bettah in caps because fuck yeah, capital letters.
but anyways this brain had its nervousity system hooked up to a tv and it was SHIT because he was playing this game and REALLY lieked this character a LOT, but he totally knew she would be KILLED. and her name was……..don't look if u haven't played the game…AERIS.
yeah i guess its a plot point that totally remaps ur psyche into thinking the girl with ancient healing powers and shit needs to totally die by some named after a bunch of spheres that grow on a tree in a mysticital tradition, but these guys made SO MUCH MONEY fucking with my little brain. i totally couldn't believe that they had this guy with a sword just come down from the sky all cool liek but then he just KILLS AERIS. what the FUCK. if i were human i'd be in 7th grade and be liek, ok, i'm traumatized.
but what else was going on besides FINAL FANTASY VII? there was a lot of popularity with STAR WARS, which is a franchise owned by disney now and they've leik totally fucked it in the ass i heard but i didn't bother to watch, but they got these dudes called SITHS. leik, darth vader is a sith. and darth vader is totally the kind of guy who would KILL AERIS i guess, but maybe not? i don't know, but what if AERIS were a sith, leik she had healing powers but she could totally CHOKE YOUR ASS WITH HER FIST IN THE AIR.
then there is absinthe which is a kind of poisonous drink that fucks your brain cells in the ass and erases ur memory, so i put an E after sith to maek it liek AERISITHE
so put it all together, u got AERISITHE. a woman who's good hearted with ancient healing powers who fucking chokes her enemies tho and erases the memory of her demise and UNFUCKS the universe. and this is my tribute to this unfucking mind bender. THERE.
crystalbrain-penguin of four wheels NFT 1/1
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ok, so i'm going to tell u somethin secret about these circucular things: there's four of em. why four? i heard people in some countries that don't speak english don't liek the number 4, but they have NOTHING to worry about here. as can be seen, these four circucular things are very clear-as-a-fuckin-day, absolutely, totally frozen. which might mean their action is impeded? it is a mystery too great for stupid minds like mine to verifify this perhaps fact, so i will be content to say:
in ur brain there's like an upper part i heard that has liek, words, and shit in it. and then there's a littler animal part down below that wordy shit part of your brain, and its liek: ok, maybe the wordy shit part of the brain has a half, and the animal part of the brain has a half on each side, so there's like four circles. NOW WHAT IF U FROZE THOSE CIRCLES? ok, that is the possibly kind of not really smart thing about this, liek those parts o' the brain could fight and be mean to each other liek kids on a school bus with a cracksmoking bus driver, but if u took those kids out and froze them in 0 degree fahrenheit weather, they wouldn't do shit. they'd just be frozen, liek these circles which are getting along just fine because they ain't doing shit.
so just remember my wisdoms: if u want shit to get along, freeze it…liek i guess if someone attacks u, u can lock him in your freezer and he'd not be able to attack u. which is supposedly fine if its self-defense. but when u got circles, freeze 'em, they'll get along i think.
now, as for the penguin, what's the penguin's job? it's bein' right in the center, and freezing the assholes off of these circles, that's what.
crystalbrain-l'anus de cristal
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ok, sometimes i don't know whether somethin is a mouth or an anus, but this really looks like a big anus in the sky i guess. liek maybe its made of crystal, liek etherealeum? i don't know money, i'm not too rich so i try to use cryptographickalcurrency to buy myself a demonburger at burger king. i hear a lot about a merge which is somethin crystalbrain just tries to be cool and work with, because he's a smooth criminal liek that but not liek michael jackson having kids over for sleepovers because eww forget that. i suppose if u wanted to hear something intelligent to say u could say that money is shit. actually that might not be intelligent, but money turns everythin to shit i guess, including the internet, but i need it to buy a demonburger at burger king or maybe a venus fly trap burger at some other burger joint.
this is definitely some cool shit because it is made from crystalbrain's biography being turned into a kaleidoscope which ended up looking like a crystal anus. there was a lot of tweaking (not that kind of tweaking) and then it looked more anus-like, and then a gradient was put on the background. are u with me? be birthed like a turd into whatever lies beyond, maybe a golden toilet or somethin, i dunno.
crystalbrain-to be NFT 1/1
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ok, so this is some green stuff with some red stuff that's mostly the same but it cums from a tweet i made and its got, liek, the words "to be" and a heart like the heart from twitter on it. so i guess its like a geometrymetic pattern created with software from an image and made into this 12 pointed star thing. there's actually RED and GREEN in the star, so there's like a six pointed hexagram and another six pointed hexagram and they're together and some people who are mostly dumb people liek me will prolly think this means something, even tho i dunno…maybe it does, maybe it doesn't liek you just. can't. know. i guess.
there's a background with like two columnums of light in some noise i guess, it makes the image a little more obscoor than it would be, yes. so you can totally sodomize your third eye or whatever imaginary thing u think with this image giving u light in teh darkness with noise i guess, its up to u, ur the hero, u be the guy that saves the day i guess.
this is genius shit for someone as stupid as me, buy it!