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Who Am I - Blog Posts
When something bad happens to you, you may feel you have to change as a person, you act out and make up a new personality that isn't you to cope, and sometimes you take it so far you don't even remember who you are anymore, I've been dealing with this for the longest time, but I think I've found a good way to explain the way I'm trying to connect to old me and hopefully find out who I am.
Imagine your image of yourself, the way you are is a mirror, and when the bad shit happens, the mirror slightly cracks after something like that happens. You may be like me and purposely chance your personality to deal with that and try not to be like the old you to stop the feelings. Now imagine that is just you breaking the mirror even more. After a few years of this behavior, you can't even recognize your reflection anymore because the mirror has gotten so small it's just shards. So you try to find one shard you can still see yourself in (one part of your past self you still connect to) and try to feel like that version of you again. Eventually, you will connect the bits of the mirror together again. And sure, it may not be perfect, but it's you, and you can stick the bits of mirror together anyway you want. use glue? sure, stickers? why not, tape? fuck yes, that represents the you you are now still being a part of the new you maybe some shards won't fit you anymore maybe the mirror will have a different shape but it's still you in the reflection looking back at yourself.
Once you fix the mirror and find out how to be the you you were before you pretended to be someone else again, you can try and live on and change naturally because of experiences Instead of obsessively making up personalities you're trying so hard to be hoping one day one will feel right, you can slowly, over time, change, mature, and become a different person, and that person would (hopefully) be you.
Sorry if this sounds dumb it's just an idea I use to try and find myself again, I'm still working through it, so I don't know if it works yet.
I feel as if I don't know myself.
I feel as if I don't know myself.
Not really, like I look in the mirror and see myself. Blond hair, mismatched coloured eyes, head to toe in yellow. But I also see a 15-year-old whose life is still being decided for them. Even with all the freedom, they could dream of. A world full of beautiful people and my soul decided this body, this life. I already came to terms with this though.
I’d like to believe I chose this as some sort of afterlife where I was good in my past life. Or maybe I was bad. I feel like I would be a worm or something if I were bad but, being a worm would be significantly better than going to school every day. Only 8 months left though. Doesn't seem that long before college, which I know will be heaven. Less annoying people. I can focus more, have a usable library, have less social pressure, wearing my own clothes! The whole gist of it is so much better. Being a worm would be so simple, dig, eat? Get eaten by the early bird? Drink water?
Okay, being a worm might not be that easy. I'm overthinking it a bit. A cat maybe? I like cats they are soft… well most of them. But they get fleas and into cat fights and the thought of licking myself so much, as well as annoying kids that would still bother me. I could be one of those indoor cats that are pampered their whole life, but the inbreeding and annoying fur and smothering old people. If I was a cat I would probably be a cat of a young college girl.
College will be heaven. Well, at least my description of it. Worrying about the future but having most of it sorted, deciding in high school is the hard bit. And I bet the work would be fun. High school work sucks, it's all in books and all my notes are messy and confusing and I don't ever use them. ever. There is no point in writing them in the first place. I can have food at more practical times, better food in college for sure as well as free days when no work is required. The homework just seems nicer.
Back to the main point, I don't know myself. Maybe I will in college. I already go on Fridays and am known for my overall confident fashion choices. Constantly showered in compliments. I think there would be more people like me. (Whoever ‘me’ is.) Someone with no set fashion sense, pescatarian, lesbian. Yea probably more lesbians.
In the UK college isn't this big thing, I'm not moving away from my family or anything or getting a whole new friendship group, everyone is the same. I just like it more. More diverse people in my opinion, somehow, considering they are basically the same people. I guess in vogueing in them finding themselves like how I’m finding myself. Guessing people can change over an extended summer or just the annoying ones not doing my course. Yea I feel like it would be better if they just stayed away from me.
Currently, all I know about myself while writing this is 1. I don't want to be a worm.
2. I want to be a college cat in my next life
3. COLLGE WILL BE BETTER THSN HIGHSCHOOL.
4. I don't like annoying school kids.
5. I’m someone with no set fashion sense, pescatarian, lesbian.
Yet, not closer to finding out who I am. I guess it takes more figuring out than a short essay on random topics to figure that out. Shame. Guess ill have to wait for college.
Am I Kiki or Bouba?
MAY or may NOT be disguising myself as the host to a few people so MUCH that i'm forgetting what my inner voice sounds like... OOPS!!!
and i'm waiting for the host's boyfriend's pure vanilla alter — who i MAY or MAY NOT have a crush on — to edit aer model to show me how he actually looks...
ALSO, have an ugly photo of one of our cats as compensation!!!
Something's not right with Mortimer...
I thought I was 69? Who the hell am I?
God, shit, sorry I forgot who you were for a minute, everyone's wearing glasses, are you glasses boy 53 or 47?
Happy lesbian visibility week!
I like women, but
I'm a trans dude, but I'm not a dude, but I'm not *not* a dude, but I am FIN, but agender and nonbinary do kinda fit too, but nonhuman xenogenders r cool, but-
02.03.2025
First Day Back + Study Plans
Woke up at 4 AM for suhoor, and after Fajr, I tried going back to sleep since I had to be up by 6:30 AM (my bus comes at 7). Ideally, I want to use the two hours before school to study, but today, I was running on just 3 hrs of sleep. I knew I’d be exhausted on my first day back, but I just couldn’t fall asleep no matter how hard I tried. I hate my life So, I ended up just lying in bed and then ironing my uniform lol.
At school, there weren’t any actual classes, so nothing much happened. Came home and took a 3 hr nap—not because I was super sleepy, but because I knew I’d regret not getting some rest. Now, thinking back, I kinda regret that regret sleeping that long 🤦🏻♀️ should’ve just taken a 1-2 hour nap instead.
Afterwards, I cleaned the rest of my room and planned out my study schedule for the week. Apart from daily live classes at my coaching (except Sundays, which are free for now), I want to revise some 11th-grade topics, starting with organic nomenclature. Here's my plan:
✦ Monday: Live class + Lecture 1 & 2
✦ Tuesday: Live class + Lecture 3 & 4
✦ Wednesday: Live class + Lecture 5 & 6
✦ Thursday: Live class + Lecture 7 & 8
✦ Friday: Live class + Buffer day
✦ Saturday: Live class + Test
✦ Sunday: Lecture 1, 2, 3
Keeping it flexible because, well, life happens, but let’s see how it goes! Hoping I can actually stick to this ;)
Ciao ppl <33
the aliens are coming
-kalika
personality
who would i be
if you took me apart
stripped me down to my bones
and then polished them until they gleamed
what would be running through my veins?
a hint of humor, a glimpse of girlhood
who would i be if you took out my brain
who am i if i'm not smart
an overachiever
always looking for some way to get ahead
if you dissected my heart, what would exist there?
am i anything at all?
i used to have a personality
i think
but now i am just a hollow shell of a person
it's what tiredness does to a person
stripped out my essence like the machine in fahrenheit 451 replaced mildred's bloods
see
see how i can't even write without hints of my schooling sneaking in
what have i ever been if not smart
and who will i be
when even that
is taken away
I am here to be silly. I am here to. I don't know. I can't tell who I am which is stupid and stupid. I keep thinking it's an unidentified kinshift, and if it is, it's lute from hazbin hotel and I don't really have a connection to her really???? The other option is that I'm korvis.
they will never understand
Hello World
I have been on the website long enough as a spectator and now is my time to shineee Quick question how much of myself is an okay amount to share?
I am 26, an only child, science enthusiast, currently pursuing a business degree and overall an overthinking bag of contradictions
"I remember hatin' all my clothes And seeing pretty(/handsome) girls (/boys) with pretty(/handsome) clothes And I was envious How can I be one(both) of those?"
-IDK if im a boy by Blue Foster
Day 3/365 I WON'T GIVE UP!
Thank you jesus for new day in mylife 🏷😇
I'm thankful for all your good dids to me.
Thank you heavenly father !!
Get to Know Me
Are you a morning or night person?
Morning person
Are you afraid of the dark?
Only outside
Are you an extrovert or introvert?
Introvert
Are you double jointed?
Nope
Are you left or right handed?
Right
Are you more of a tidy person or a messy one?
Messy
Are you usually on time or late?
On time
Are you ticklish?
Yes
Can you roll your tongue?
Yep
Can you ice skate?
I dunno. They closed the ice skating rink years ago and I haven’t skated since I was a kid.
Can you wiggle your ears?
Nope
Coffee or tea?
Neither
Cookies, cake, or doughnuts?
Cookies. Chocolate chip specifically.
Have you ever participated in a talent show?
Yes
Have you ever gone to prom?
Yup
Did you/do you like school?
Hell no
Do you believe in ghosts?
I don’t know
Do you bite your nails?
Yes
Do you consider yourself a good cook?
I mean, I don’t cook much but I’m definitely not a bad cook.
Do you enjoy dancing?
Yes
Do you enjoy DIY or crafts?
Yep
Do you forgive easily?
Yes. Probably too easily.
Do you have a nickname?
Nope
Do you have any allergies?
Nope
Do you have any phobias?
I’m extremely afraid of the supernatural which is odd because I think it’s cool
Do you have any piercings or tattoos?
Just my ears so far
Do you want children?
Yep
Do you have pets?
Yep. A cat named Gallifrey.
Do you have any siblings?
Yes. Two younger brothers.
Do you prefer dogs or cats?
Cats
Do you prefer Mac or PC?
Mac
Do you prefer the beach or the mountains?
The beach
Do you prefer baths or showers?
That’s difficult. Probably baths but only for relaxation purposes.
Do you sing in the shower?
Surprisingly not really
Do you smoke?
Nope
Do you speak more than one language?
Nope. I wish.
Do you still have your wisdom teeth?
I’m a lucky duck who was born without them because I’m a genetic beast.
Do you still watch cartoons?
Yup
Do you/have you played any sports?
Used to play soccer and I did gymnastics for a while but I have since lost all athletic ability.
Does your name have a special meaning?
Sort of. I was named after my mom’s best friend.
Have you ever been hospitalized?
Yes. On numerous occasions. More times than I can count.
Have you ever been on a diet?
Yep
Have you ever been to a concert?
Yep. Three. Unless you count the thing my parents took me to as a kid that had a live Christian band performance. Then it would be four.
Have you ever gone camping?
Yup
Have you ever met any celebrities?
Yep. Amanda Palmer.
Have you ever skipped class?
Nope.
Have you ever won a prize?
Yep.
Have you ever had braces?
No. I need them but there’s no way I’m getting them at this age.
Have you ever broken a bone?
Nope. I did bruise my tailbone walking down steps in stilettos though.
How tall are you?
5’9” Yeah I know. Pretty tall for a girl.
If money were no object what would you buy?
A recording studio and all necessary equipment
If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Probably Sweden man. Sweden is a pretty cool place.
Were you ever a Girl or Boy Scout?
Nope.
What country do you live in?
The good ol’ U.S of A
Did you move a lot as a kid?
Nope. Just twice.
What did you want to be when you were younger?
Man I wanted to be a lot of things. For a while I wanted to be the tooth fairy. I also apparently didn’t eat chicken nuggets for three months because I thought being a vegetarian was a career. True story.
What do you do on a typical Friday night?
Lounge around at home
What is one food that you refuse to eat?
I hate any sort of sea food
What is one thing on your bucket list?
Finally go to a Disney theme park
What is one item you can’t live without?
A guitar
What is your shoe size?
Size 8
What’s one movie you’ve watched repeatedly?
Captain Marvel
Do you have an iPhone or Android?
iPhone
Are you a procrastinator?
Yep
What’s one of your pet peeves?
People not closing doors when they leave
What’s one of your favorite songs?
Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
What’s the most expensive thing you own?
My electric guitar. It’s a Danelectro Danoblaster Innuendo. They don’t make them anymore and it’s between 300 and 400 buckaroos. Plus it belonged to John Scalzi. He’s a sci-fi writer who’s currently working on a movie with Tom Hanks. So I imagine it will go up in value.
What’s one thing you can’t leave the house without?
My phone duh
What’s your best physical feature?
I really like my hair
What’s your Chinese zodiac?
Goat
Who’s one of your celebrity crushes?
Tom Holland
What’s your dream car?
I dunno. I’m not really a car person. I’d kinda like an old Volvo Station wagon but with new parts and stuff so it drives well.
What’s your favorite animal?
Dolphins
What’s one of your favorite books?
Gone by Michael Grant
What’s your favorite color?
Red
What’s your favorite dessert?
My mom’s homemade brownies
What’s your favorite drink?
I’m a huge fan of virgin margaritas.
What’s your favorite foreign food?
Churros
What’s your favorite modern technology?
My phone. Specifically the ability to listen to any music, anywhere, anytime.
What’s your favorite hobby?
Making music
What’s one of your favorite movies?
Titanic
What’s your favorite chain restaurant?
Papa Johns
What’s your favorite sandwich?
Just your basic PB&J
What’s your favorite season?
Fall. Spring is pretty but I don’t do heat well.
What’s your favorite book series?
Harry Potter
What’s your favorite TV series?
Doctor Who
What’s your favorite snack?
Popcorn
What’s your favorite sport to watch?
Does Olympic figure skating count?
What’s your favorite breakfast food?
French toast
What’s one of your favorite bands?
Joy Division. I like so many bands though. It’s quite hard to pick one.
What’s your longest relationship so far?
Ten months. But part of that was kinda on again off again.
What’s your lucky number?
Don’t have one
What’s your star sign?
Aries
What’s your sexual orientation?
Pansexual
What color are your eyes?
Brown
What’s your favorite music genre?
Rock. Specifically experimental rock.
What’s your favorite holiday?
Christmas
Have you ever dyed your hair?
Yep. I’ve had it blue, mint green, and blonde. I’ve also had it with purple tips and pink tips.
Who’s your favorite fictional character?
That’s really rough. Probably Hermione Granger.
B E W I L D E R E D I N T H E V A P O R