【Ｎｏ　ｍａｔｔｅｒ　ｗｈｅｒｅ　ｙｏｕ　ｇｏ，　 ｅｖｅｒｙｏｎｅ＇ｓ　ｃｏｎｎｅｃｔｅｄ】

scrupulosity and an OCD obsession with morality is so much more than just wanting to be a good person.

yes, I want to be a good person. but for me, that comes along with:

an unreachably high moral standard

an unshakeable guilt complex

a chronic feeling of “what have I done wrong?”

constant flashbacks to “shame memories”

tying myself up in knots over making the right decision (even over the little things)

and sometimes… this obsession with being a good person actually prevents me from being as good a person as I would be otherwise (e.g it can make me come across as selfish and not compassionate)

Serial Experiments Lain (1998) Episode 2

"I Don't Have a Routine"

For those who are seeking diagnosis, think they might be autistic or are already diagnosed/self-diagnosed but just confused

Routines/rituals aren't just getting up at the same time every day.

What can routines look like for an autistic (just general examples, not an exhaustive list):

Getting dressed in the same order. A change of this feels very upsetting.

Eating your food in a particular way. This may be eating each food individually, combining food in certain ways, not letting foods touch etc .

Getting ready for the day in a very particular way, specifically the order and time given to each activity. Being forced to rush or skip an activity is very upsetting.

Only going to certain shops, even if they are out of your way, because you've been there before. The same shop in a different suburb is too distressing.

Driving the same route to places. Suggested short cuts, or lane changing without mental preparation etc is very distressing. You would rather stay in the slow lane you 100% know takes you home than go down a new street.

Showering/bathing in the same order.

Stacking dishes or cleaning in a very specific order such as sink first, then counters, then stove etc. This order feels important but you cannot state why.

Work plans or school plans are day specific. You struggle to do banking on a Thursday, because that's a Friday activity, even though Thursday is just fine. But it's a Friday activity...so can't do it today.

To outsiders these routines/rituals seem to have no purpose but they are sacrosanct to the autistic individual. Changes must be given time, with lots of notifications and check-ups to ensure we're accepting the changes.

I never know when to look away

giving into your compulsions does not make you a bad person or irredeemable. it does not mean that it was right about you. this is an illness. you can start again

Serial Experiments Lain (1998) Episode 8